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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Half sibling

325 replies

Linnieloulou · 04/08/2021 11:05

I recently told my son he was only a half brother to his dad’s new child after he came home from a visit telling me about his new brother. I explained to him that as his step mother is not his mum, it makes him a half brother. My ex is now upset that I didn’t involve him in this decision as he feels I should of discussed it with him first and agreed together how he refers to his sibling. He’s 9 years old so I feel he will work out for himself he is only half brother eventually so why not make it clear now. Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 04/08/2021 11:37

You were laying your shit on him I’m afraid.

It was unnecessary.

MichelleScarn · 04/08/2021 11:38

Agree pretty shitty thing to do. Also assuming should you have any more children you will reinforce the 'half' status of that relationship?

jobbeedancer · 04/08/2021 11:39

I have two children.
One from a previous relationship.
We live in a home. Me partner and my two DC.
They are sisters.
By your logic I should call them half sisters.

Doesn't seem right does it ?

Never would I or them ever think of being half sisters.

You sound like you might be jealous of your ex moving on but don't spoil a sibling relationship for your son.

GullyGull · 04/08/2021 11:39

Be honest you were pissing on his chips at a time when he was happy. Then followed up with a wide-eyed response. You didn't need to correct him at that moment, you just felt the need to reassert yourself as his mother. So at that point your feelings were more important than his.

If the truth is more important to you than that bonding experience then that's fine, you just need to own it.

Beamur · 04/08/2021 11:40

The 'only' was a bit mean spirited. But they are half siblings so it is a fact
My DD has half siblings, as do I. It hasn't made us care less about them, but it means we don't have 100% shared upbringings.

Fernando072020 · 04/08/2021 11:40

I have three 'half" siblings. They were never to by anyone in the family as "half", even by my mum (my dad's other children). This made me feel involved and considered growing up. I remember the teacher saying to me well they're your half siblings and it really upset me, I was 10.

So yeah, yabu. Dad's right. They are brothers, the half shouldn't be relevant. Maybe you need to ask yourself why it was so important to you to have this emphasised to your son.

Fernando072020 · 04/08/2021 11:41

Never referred to*

PickleAF · 04/08/2021 11:46

I don't think you've done anything unreasonable OP! I had a "half" sister, we knew we had one different parent (dads) and we always just refer to ourselves as sisters now. It was just easier to know she was my half sister - so when people asked why we looked different it was easy to answer, and I didn't confuse my teachers when they asked my dad at school pick up how his new baby daughter was! It doesn't change our relationship at all, it's just a fact he's your DSs half brother Smile

ancientgran · 04/08/2021 11:46

@Patapouf

It's not a 'decision' it's relaying facts, did your ex plan on acting like they had the same parents?

It's obviously a sensitive issue but I think using the term 'half sibling' can be a bit confusing for a child, the new sibling isn't less of a sibling are they? I think I would have used brother/sister and then still reiterated the different mums part.

Do you think a 9 year old would need anyone to point out that they have different mothers?
ReginaaPhalange · 04/08/2021 11:47

While it is biological, it may have caused upset to your son at his young age.

My DSD knows the baby I'm carrying is her half sibling as she's nearing 13, but has told me she will refer to them as their full sister/brother as they are still her family. People may agree with this or they may not but this was the choice dsd made.

I do think you should have spoken to your ex though, but that's just me.

Talia99 · 04/08/2021 11:47

So you decided to squash his excitement by making it clear the new baby wasn’t his real brother, just a half and now you ‘just can’t understand’ why your ex might be unhappy at you deliberately trying to sabotage the family relationship between the two children.

Sure.

RedHelenB · 04/08/2021 11:48

I think you were being a bit unreasonable. He is his blood brother and no doubt he was excited to see him.

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/08/2021 11:50

I don't think this was the time to explain it.

None of my older children refer to my youngest as their half-brother, he's just their brother. Infact it makes them a little uncomfortable, like some is trying to weaken their bond.

topwings · 04/08/2021 11:51

Yes you were unreasonable and a bit petty.

ConstanceGracy · 04/08/2021 11:54

That was not nice and verging on cruel.
My ds and dd are half siblings, dd knows her dad is not her brothers dad but that doesn’t make them any less brother and sister.
Dd is 9 and ds is 17 and he never thinks of her than anything less than his sister.

titchy · 04/08/2021 11:54

You pissed on your kid's chips. Yeah, slow handclap.

Livinthedream84 · 04/08/2021 11:57

It may be factual but why the hell would you just bring it up like that?? The kid is still his brother, doesn’t matter if he has a different mum, he’s his brother. He was excited and you tried to turn that negative. No wonder your ex was angry. Sounds like you are bitter or jealous and you wanted to make it crystal clear he was ONLY his half brother. If he asked then yer be truthful. But he didn’t. Sorry but I think you were wrong.

JurassicShay · 04/08/2021 12:01

I don't think there was any need to tell him, his brother is his brother half or not.

What was your motive? He would have figured it out on his own without you turning his brother into a negative.

LadyDanburysHat · 04/08/2021 12:03

It does seem a bit like you were pissing on his and your exes chips tbh. I don't see why you felt it necessary to point out the half bit, Especially as you said yourself that he will figure it out.

Cadent · 04/08/2021 12:03

He's 9, the ex should have had the conversation with DS before baby was born if he was that bothered.

TheFlis12345 · 04/08/2021 12:04

What were you trying to achieve by doing that? DH has 2 half siblings but neither they nor anyone else in the family would ever refer to or even consider them as such, unless someone specifically enquired about some obvious differences between them.

Cadent · 04/08/2021 12:05

It's weird because on other threads the OP has been told off for not telling their kid they are half sibling.

Cadent · 04/08/2021 12:06

@TheFlis12345

What were you trying to achieve by doing that? DH has 2 half siblings but neither they nor anyone else in the family would ever refer to or even consider them as such, unless someone specifically enquired about some obvious differences between them.
I din't think OP intends to keep referring to them as half-siblings? She doesn't say that at all.
Peppapigforlife · 04/08/2021 12:08

Would you have interrupted his excitement to make sure he knew that any new child of yours was 'only' his half brother?

Choice4567 · 04/08/2021 12:09

@Cadent I hadn’t realised there were other threads. Why was she told off for not saying half sibling?