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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Half sibling

325 replies

Linnieloulou · 04/08/2021 11:05

I recently told my son he was only a half brother to his dad’s new child after he came home from a visit telling me about his new brother. I explained to him that as his step mother is not his mum, it makes him a half brother. My ex is now upset that I didn’t involve him in this decision as he feels I should of discussed it with him first and agreed together how he refers to his sibling. He’s 9 years old so I feel he will work out for himself he is only half brother eventually so why not make it clear now. Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 04/08/2021 12:09

I think you were being unreasonable, what was the point in saying that to him? I have 2 children which are technically half siblings, they consider themselves very much as brother and sister. It kind of comes across like you saying "well he's not your REAL brother" why even mention that unless he specifically asked anyway?

81Byerley · 04/08/2021 12:09

It wasn't unreasonable to tell him about the relationship, but not if it was a "He's not really your brother, he's only a half brother" way. If it was a "Oh how lovely , that's so exciting to have a new brother, the baby is lucky to have a big brother like you" followed by an explanation of the relationship, that would be ok.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/08/2021 12:13

I don’t really like the term “half brother”. He’s still his brother and hopefully he will love him just as much. It’s just adding a layer of unnecessary complication.

I always refer to my ex’s baby with his new partner as my children’s brother. It definitely helps the children to see how accepting I am of their new sibling (I mean, he’s a baby, he’s cute) and the situation. I’ve no need to start saying “oh your half brother you mean” as I’m sure they’d find this hurtful.

SamVimes6 · 04/08/2021 12:13

as he feels I should of discussed it with him first

Nope, you should have discussed it first, but so could daddy. Your son now has a sibling, don’t get weighed down with semantics. Unless it’s English grammar and spelling.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/08/2021 12:13

My ex is a dickhead though, just saying

MadeOfStarStuff · 04/08/2021 12:15

It’s reasonable to explain about different types of siblings factually but YABU for correcting him when he was just excited about his new baby brother. Lots of people just refer to their half siblings as their brother/sister so it’s not unreasonable for him to do this. Human relationships are far more than technicality and genetics.

BatmanBaby · 04/08/2021 12:17

It's pathetic. They are brothers. It's the same sort of manipulating, controlling shit my ex husband tries with our two daughters. They have a half brother, and when he was born my ex would tell them that he's 'only their half brother' that we won't have time for them anymore, but he will as they will always be his little girls, but that I have a new baby now. He still tries to undermine the relationship they have with their brother. He also pulls this crap with their relationship with the step dad. The youngest daughter referes to her step dad as dad (her choice) and he tells her that she's not allowed to, people can only have one dad, that he's only her step dad or even that he's only 'your mum's husband'...

We never bad mouth our daughters biological dad, but I seriously hope that they grow up and see what a vile persion he is...

What on earth where you hoping to achieve with that comment? Apart from trying to ruin the relationship your son has with his brother and step mum.

mewkins · 04/08/2021 12:20

You basically pissed on his chips.

Lulola · 04/08/2021 12:20

You sound spiteful and jealous! If you had another child would you have made it explicitly clear they are only half siblings?

I was told the same thing when I was a child and it really upset me and made me feel like I couldn’t talk about my sibling freely because I sensed there was an issue.

BoredatHome321 · 04/08/2021 12:20

"Only" a half brother, sounds like you're pissing on his happiness about it to be honest. Yes, it's facts but it doesn't change the fact that he is his sibling. I'm pretty sure that's not the first thing you would say to your son if it was you with the new child.

AlternativePerspective · 04/08/2021 12:21

It's weird because on other threads the OP has been told off for not telling their kid they are half sibling. What are you on about? There aren’t any other threads.

As for the people saying the OP is only telling the truth, do people really think that a 9 year old needs to have it explained to them that their sibling is only their half sibling? Why? So what if they’ll figure it out. They don’t need to be told until they figure it out. Realising that it’s their half sibling isn’t going to be confusing, they’re not going to feel betrayed or any such crap which people may want to put about.

Where does this end? “Uncle Jim isn’t really your uncle, he’s your uncle by marriage, you need to know this before you figure it out.”

“I know you’re going to figure out one day that me and daddy have sex, so I think you need to be told before you figure it out.”

The OP told her DS out of pure spite and bitterness. Let’s not pretend that there is any other reason she needed to tell him.

QueenBee52 · 04/08/2021 12:22

You did nothing wrong.. 🌸

Shakirasma · 04/08/2021 12:23

You were being petty and negative. My eldest DC has a different father to their younger siblings but they have never been differentiated by their genetic make up. They are brothers and sisters to each other, calling them half would be confusing and unnecessary.

DH also has an older child from a previous relationship, whilst my eldest rightly calls them their step sibling, the younger 2 recognise her as their sister. No "half" needed.

owlbethere · 04/08/2021 12:24

Technically my siblings except one are half siblings and in some cases step siblings, but we all just brothers and sisters. Making it ‘only’ a half brother is horrible.

Bagforlifeandthelifeafter · 04/08/2021 12:24

This boils my piss. They are siblings. Only time a label such as “half” is needed is in an official or medical sense. Plenty of brothers and sisters even that live together with their mum are half! It’s not a part of the description that’s needed. What a miserable cow you must be to destroy your dc excitement because your nose is out of joint that your ex has moved on. If you had another baby now with a new partner would you insist on the “half” label? No, I bet you wouldn’t!

Pinkyxx · 04/08/2021 12:25

Assuming your son has a basic idea of biology and the birds and the bees... he likely already worked out his brother wasn't the same as him yet had made the conscious choice to refer to him as 'brother'. This was your cue to take his lead.

It's just as disingenuous to push the sibling label as it is the half sibling. Sibling or half sibling just supports what the respective parents wants the child to perceive.. it allows no room for the child to make up their own mind based on how they feel. These situations are complex for children and are experienced differently depending on a child's circumstances / situation. They should be allowed to feel as they do and develop a relationship organically without preconceived notions or labels which pressure a child to feel a particular way. Imposing the parents wish (whatever it is) makes it very hard for a child who doesn't feel that way..

Your statement was factual however lacked sensitivity and seems unwarranted. It's really important he is allowed to feel however he feels towards his sibling without any 'emotional baggage'.

Cadent · 04/08/2021 12:25

@AlternativePerspective

It's weird because on other threads the OP has been told off for not telling their kid they are half sibling. What are you on about? There aren’t any other threads.

Why so rude? I didn't say THIS OP, I meant the OP of the thread being posted.

PumpkinKlNG · 04/08/2021 12:25

What’s the other thread? It is typical Mumsnet though so not surprised

Ideasplease322 · 04/08/2021 12:26

The key word here is only.

You took the relationship and tried to make it less.

He knows the baby has a different mum. I can see why your ex thinks you were trying to diminish the relationship.

It’s his bother - let him be excited.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 04/08/2021 12:27

I'm sorry Op but the timing seems very mean spirited.

You completely threw cold water over his excitement-he is 9-I'm sure he is aware that you are his mother etc but how unkind to spoil his happy moment.

And I agree with his DF-it should have been a joint decision and yes-that baby is his little brother.

I am assuming you an your EXDH are not on good terms?

MouseholeCat · 04/08/2021 12:27

I think it's really petty that you told your son this, OP. What's the point? People generally don't care if they only share one parent with a sibling and your son is clearly aware that you and your ex aren't together anymore.

JustLyra · 04/08/2021 12:27

he is only half brother

The fact that you used the word "only" is very telling.

There is a time and a place to explain the technical terms for relations, especially in this kind of set up, but when your child is excitedly telling you about their new sibling isn't it.

Tiredmum100 · 04/08/2021 12:29

I think you were a bit mean tbh. As you've said he's 'only a 'half brother', both of which appear quite negative terminology. You've upset an excited child over his new brother.

ledesertsacre · 04/08/2021 12:30

I don't understand why you did this. Your child presumably knows who you are? And who the baby's mum is? Why did you feel the need to spell it out for him? What were you afraid of?

@PumpkinKlNG : I don't think the other thread is by this poster, I think @Cadent means other threads on mumsnet in general.

AndTime · 04/08/2021 12:30

I think you were being horrible for your own personal issues about your ex moving on.

My own 9 year old son ahs gone to meet his new sibling this week and I have done everything I can to encourage his excitement and put a positive spin on his dad having a new baby. It is his brother after all.