To ask how to tell my friend her house smells?

[Dogproblems14]

NC as outing.

I have a friend who I’ve been friends with for over 3 years. We are in our 30’s. She is a lovely person and I love spending time with her and her company. My friend recently moved out of her parents home and into her own one bed flat. This issue is, she has two big dogs living in the flat with her. I don’t necessarily agree with dogs in flats but, it’s her life and each to their own- but the smell is atrocious.

I’ve been to her flat twice, and it smells very heavy of dog with hair everywhere- it's a very strong smell. One of the dogs has also been on heat and last time she hadn’t washed her bedding despite it having blood on and the dog being on heat weeks before! Another issue is that when I’m there she lets the dogs lick the leftovers directly off the plate, and sometimes tea out of her mug! she doesn’t have a dishwasher and I just think it’s so gross to watch her dogs eat off a plate that then I have too.

She’s invited me round for dinner and a sort of wine night, and to stay over on Friday and I’m dreading it. The dogs are her babies, and I do think if I mention anything she will be highly offended- she’s quite a sensitive person. She has no mental health issues, and is actually a very clean and immaculate person in herself which makes this situation stranger. I’ve suggested her coming to mine instead, but as she lives in a city centre and there’s more to do it makes more sense to eat/drink there. It would be a very expensive taxi home to mine which also wouldn't make sense to her.

How can I go there, and not be grossed out by the thought of eating/sleeping there? ☹ I feel like a horrible awful friend.

Also sorry to any dog lovers I may have offended!

@Psychonabike

The British have a really peculiar thing about dogs (and pets in general perhaps, but mostly dogs). I include myself in that btw...

There is nothing wrong with kindly but assertively saying to someone, friend or family, "I don't like dogs, could we meet elsewhere?" or "I really struggle with the smell and hair that comes with dogs, I'd prefer to meet somewhere else".

I mean, we all know that we can't all be dog people. We all know dogs come with certain smells. And there's no crime in that, or not liking pets at all. But we get all polite about it and behave as though it would be so incredibly offensive to mention these things, like criticising someone's kids or something.

Having dogs is a lifestyle choice but it comes with pros and cons -friends who don't like dogs may not visit. Particularly in a small space. Everyone just needs to be grown up and express their feelings politely.

The op’s already said she owns the exact same breed as her friend

I have two dogs who are my babies and I still think that is disgusting. The dogs have their own bowls, my plates are mine. Its like cats on kitchen surfaces, just unhygienic. However clean they are, dogs lick fox shit. No way are they sharing my plates and cups.

I wouldn't sleep in my own menstrual blood, never mind my dogs. Sorry, OP, no suggestions that haven't already been said. Takeaway eaten from boxes etc but I wouldn't sleep there either.

That’s absolutely disgusting

Tell her the truth. Her house stinks and your not eating from her after seeing her dogs lick the cups and plates

I don’t believe people let dogs lick from the plate !?! Human plate!?! Oh my god 😱

No dishwasher and letting the dogs lick plates. Ewww. Dogs lick all sorts of things. Eating off that plate is the same as licking the things they do. And if that plate gets washed in warm water in a bowl with other crocks with only a bit of washing up liquid, same for them too.
A school I worked at had to have a dishwasher fitted in the staff kitchen for an Important Visitor's visit. Afterwards, absenteeism in the staff went down considerably- because they were no longer drinking from cups left to stew together in a washing-up bowl of cooling water and catching bugs from each other.
Animals' bowls should be kept separate and washed separately unless you have a dishwasher. And animals should not be eating from crockery that humans eat from.

Dog period blood on her bedsheets and she hasn’t even washed the stinking duvet 😱

Don’t visit her house EVER again

Everyone who has dogs, house smells of dog.

I agree with this. But some are far worse than others.

If you have a dog and you don't think your house smells at all of dog then you're just used to it.

And I include myself in that.

@HollowTalk

No one will get ill from a “poorly washed plate”that a dog licked FFS. However, I agree with you on everything else.

Oh for god's sake, who would want to eat off a plate like that?

Quite. A human could easily get ill from that. It's no different to eating anything a dog licks or eats. And not to put too fine a point on it or offend anyone's sensibilities more than necessary, they eat their own shit, lick their own bums, lick other dog's bums, and will lick =/eat the shit of other animals too, including wild and therefore unwormed ones. If you're not willing to eat all those things, then animals' crocks need to be washed separately or in a dishwasher.

I find the smell of dog dreadful.

Dogs are great if you have a nice big warm kitchen and utility and yard where they can live - with a big garden and plenty of time to walk them.

Dogs should not be anywhere where there are soft furnishings 🤣 except maybe for an hour by the fire at night.

Any more than that and the house smells of dog!

Don't get me started on dogs on Beds and sofas...

You say she’s clean and immaculate herself. Really? With dog period stains on her bedding and licked crockery? I’d go nowhere near her home. Homes with dogs can smell, but this is another level. Most dog owners regularly sweep and mop floors to minimise the stagnant dirt/ smell.

I feel sick 🤢 reading that @Dogproblems14.
You'll have to say something, otherwise you'll get I'll going there.
Or you'll run out of excuse.

Eat out and don’t stay over!
Years ago my dd was friends w a girl whose mum was lovely but the house was grim - also dogs, but just a bit of a dirty vibe off the house & im no neat freak.
I once dropped her off with another mum and her dd. The grim house mum asked if we’d like a coffee, we both said ‘let’s get one out’ in unison!!
I’d never say anything, people are oblivious.

I have other friends with dogs and their houses do not smell!

It sounds awful and I'm sure that deep down she knows it's awful but doesn't feel capable of doing anything about it. Sadly if you say something it will probably upset her and could mean the end of the friendship.

All I can think of is that you say you'd rather meet up at your home for the time being. Say your dog is needy or something.

It can't end well telling her.

If you want to do the evening out, would you get a taxi back? Just say you'd rather get home so you can crack on the next day and that the expense isn't a problem for a rare treat.

she lives in a city centre and there’s more to do it makes more sense to eat/drink there.

Great, well that’s one issue solved - no need to eat or drink at hers, go out.

It would be a very expensive taxi home to mine which also wouldn't make sense to her.
Who’s looking after your dog? Surely you need to get home for them, eh? Regardless, if you don’t want to stay over you don’t want to stay over and you can make up all sorts of polite reasons not to. It’s not compulsory to stay overnight with friends. Pay for the taxi home. Better than stressing yourself.

If you feel you just stayed over, take your own bedding (‘to save you the hassle’) and a mug for a cuppa in the morning (‘my favourite mug, nothing tastes the same otherwise and my day’s off to a bad start’) and leave before breakfast.

The only solution,is to tell your friend the truth about how she keeps and treats her dogs, and that you don't like dogs smells all over the place, and that you don't want to see dogs licking plates and all that happens. And then don't go to visit again. She may have other visitor friends who don't mind these things, so she won't be bothered about your comments.

Suggest somewhere else again and if she pushes then tell her the truth

"I do think if I mention anything she will be highly offended- she’s quite a sensitive person."

Are you friends, or are you not? FFS just say something. Preferably ASAP. 'Look X, I really don't think I'd enjoy eating and staying at yours. You've become nose-blind to your dogs, but frankly I found the smell quite overwhelming last time I was at yours. I really rather go elsewhere.'

If she's 'sensitive' to that, then she's not much of a friend, is she? A 'sensitive' person would worry about their friend's comfort. If she doesn't, then I think you've mistaken 'easily offended' for 'sensitive'.

Op, I’m sorry to say this but your friend is a midden and I doubt she’d become less so even if you told her repeatedly.

I just wouldn’t go to the house at all.

This sounds like my in-laws house when they were alive. Plates were put down on the floor for the dogs to lick clean before being washed. Mother in law was as blind as a bat and and the plates were never properly clean. Very sadly it just meant that we went less and less, especially once the children arrived.

I really feel for you OP and don't know what to advise as I was never brave enough to deal with it I just tried to avoid the situation as much as possible.

You could offer to go early so you can help with the food prep. that way you can guarantee the plates are very clean before you have to eat from them.

I just wouldnt go.

poor boiling water over the plates as a means of heating them up... that was always a good excuse.

My SIL is often laughing at me wincing or even retching when she lets her dog lick her tongue and inside her mouth (kisses ) or when she eats (and prepares) food with dog licked, unwashed hands. Apparently "dogs mouths are sterile".
Where the hell did that ridiculous misconception come from?

I thought op’s situation was bad enough

It's not true that every dog owner has a smelly house. My mum's house fucking reeks but MIL's doesn't smell at all. Neither does my brother's. Or my godmother's. We don't own a dog so it's not that I'm used to the smell or anything like that. And I'm currently pregnant so I have a nose likes bloodhound and would definitely smell it. They genuinely don't smell. I guess it depends on the breed of the dog and the cleanliness standards of the owner(s).

*like a bloodhound