To ask how to tell my friend her house smells?

[Dogproblems14]

NC as outing.

I have a friend who I’ve been friends with for over 3 years. We are in our 30’s. She is a lovely person and I love spending time with her and her company. My friend recently moved out of her parents home and into her own one bed flat. This issue is, she has two big dogs living in the flat with her. I don’t necessarily agree with dogs in flats but, it’s her life and each to their own- but the smell is atrocious.

I’ve been to her flat twice, and it smells very heavy of dog with hair everywhere- it's a very strong smell. One of the dogs has also been on heat and last time she hadn’t washed her bedding despite it having blood on and the dog being on heat weeks before! Another issue is that when I’m there she lets the dogs lick the leftovers directly off the plate, and sometimes tea out of her mug! she doesn’t have a dishwasher and I just think it’s so gross to watch her dogs eat off a plate that then I have too.

She’s invited me round for dinner and a sort of wine night, and to stay over on Friday and I’m dreading it. The dogs are her babies, and I do think if I mention anything she will be highly offended- she’s quite a sensitive person. She has no mental health issues, and is actually a very clean and immaculate person in herself which makes this situation stranger. I’ve suggested her coming to mine instead, but as she lives in a city centre and there’s more to do it makes more sense to eat/drink there. It would be a very expensive taxi home to mine which also wouldn't make sense to her.

How can I go there, and not be grossed out by the thought of eating/sleeping there? ☹ I feel like a horrible awful friend.

Also sorry to any dog lovers I may have offended!

My parents house is exactly the same - they have two wonderful but enormous, very smelly and very giddy dogs who jump up/lick faces etc when we go round, and the smell of the house makes my eyes water as soon as their door opens!

Much like my parents, I don't think there is any point in saying anything in an attempt to change how your friend lives, as it probably wouldn't make a bit of difference and would only hurt their feelings.

My advice - Wear old clothes you don't mind getting a bit manky and for the love of god don't wear tights or bare legs. Drink wine with your friend until you don't care about the dogginess anymore, and have a good scrub in the shower as soon as you get home!

@Martyitsyourkids

Eat out for your evening meal, bring nibbles that you don't necessarily need plates for, crisps etc. Bring your own towel for shower in the morning. Suggest going out for brekky. Bring refillable water bottle, say you're trying to drink more water. As a 'thanks for having me' Bring some lovely smellies for the home. Other than that, it's an awkward and direct conversation 😖 maybe say you've noticed a doggy pong off your pooch and has she? Good luck!x

Would she take her own blankets 😂

OP do you have a small child? Can always rely on them to say it how it is .. hopefully take a kid round and they will say urghhh it stinks here let’s go, she might get the hint and clean

@Thatsjustwhatithink it was on the bedding/sheets according to the OP?

@Hopeisallineed

I interpreted the "her bedding" being the females dogs bedding but can see how it could be read either way. But still if she's inviting someone round to stay the night it not likely the OP will be staying in the friends bed or the dogs bed. So unless the dog blood was on the guest room bed and the friend wouldn't change the sheets? 🤷

It just felt like (to me) the OP was exaggerating a bit as it doesn't really make sense. A bit like the plates. She would hardly feed her dog left overs, not wash the plate, then serve up dinner on the same plate. Clearly they'd get washed but the OP doesn't seem to think plates can get washed without a dishwasher. Which would have been news to my mum and gran who didn't have dishwashers but were still completely able to wash up.

Either way it’s super skanky.

Could you start by telling your friend that you've noticed that her dogs seem to make her place smell pretty badly compared to when she lived with her parents? Maybe ask her if she baths them as often now that she has sole responsibility, or perhaps suggest she use a 'new' dog shampoo that you've found that smells really nice, and helps to stop the house smelling of dog. Or once you've put the idea in her head that it's only since she moved into the small flat, you could say something like, perhaps in a much smaller place it's more important to regularly wash all their bedding, and hers because you know they sleep on it, as in such a confined space the smell is much more noticeable. As far as the dishes, maybe 'I read something the other day that it's been discovered that letting pets eat from your plates is really bad, as unless you have a dishwasher you can't get the water hot enough to kill their germs'. Just my thoughts OP!

Honestly just say it I asked my partners friend the other day if my flat smell of dog as I have two now. I am constantly burning sticks, candles and spraying all sorts of oils.
Eating off the plate is gross my partner does this I go made at him but I clean my plates with white vinegar first then liquid.

Mad at him… had to many coronas

I would push for your friend to stay at yours instead.
I know there is more to do where she lives but maybe suggest a quiet night in (and then it won't matter which house you are at).

I wouldn't want to eat/drink at her house but like you say, she's sensitive and might be really offended if you say anything.

Just suck it up. It’s only one night

I think there is a point of unpleasant smell/lack of good hygiene where just sucking it up won't do. I feel that the OP has reached this point.

Given the description the OP has stated, there is no way that I would stay there.

Why do cat owners leave the litter tray indoors usually the kitchen were food is prepared.
I'd leave it out the back under a parasol.
The trays stink.

Because my cats don't live outside. Do you really need to ask that question?
I don't need permission to ask any question @LST the pet thread inspector.
I've never had a cat so didn't realise it was only indoor cats that used litter trays, is that okay?

Say you're reacting to the pet hair? That's what I'd go with

Be honest! Diplomatic of course but you must be honest.

Sorry, work long hours so haven’t been back but just wanted to clear a few things up

Yes, the blood was on friends bed. The dogs are given free reign in terms of the flat, and have lots of accidents as well as they aren’t ground floor. I don’t think that helps the smell and it’s difficult.

Friend is very overprotective over the dogs and you cannot say anything negative about them at all. That’s what I meant by sensitive. Once I told the dog to get down, as he jumped up on the sofa while we were eating, had his mouth in my face and she went funny and said “but that’s his favourite spot, leave him be” etc.

I really like her as person and she’s kind and nice, she’s well kept in herself nice nails, perfume etc so cannot see how she can be so nose blind.

I do think if I say anything it’ll be the end of the friendship but I cannot bear to be there for more than 20 minutes max. I’ve suggested meeting at the pub instead so hopefully it’ll be the option!

Just tell her the truth for goodness sake don't even say sorry...... hey sarah do you wanna come to me after the smell of dog in your house is just really overwhelming ill pay the taxi fare ....

Job done.

How she's chosen to feed her dogs is her business so you don't need to go into that just don't eat or drink from her, decline or take your own.

I dont get why people get so easily offended these days. Me and my mates are honest with eachother even if we don't wanna hear it. Their my mates their not being malicious

@SinisterSparkle

Just tell her the truth for goodness sake don't even say sorry...... hey sarah do you wanna come to me after the smell of dog in your house is just really overwhelming ill pay the taxi fare ....

Job done.

How she's chosen to feed her dogs is her business so you don't need to go into that just don't eat or drink from her, decline or take your own.

I dont get why people get so easily offended these days. Me and my mates are honest with eachother even if we don't wanna hear it. Their my mates their not being malicious

THIS! ^

I faced this with a friend once and was just upfront. Said I loved them but wasn’t eating or drinking anything in their house till we’d cleaned. They laughed at me but we did clean that place, and they kept it a lot better afterwards.

Does your friend have any other friends who are happy to stay at her flat?

Yikes, that’s a tough one…..I have a lot of dogs but I’m utterly fastidious in keeping the house clean. I Hoover & mop twice a day, wash all their beds every other day and put clean throws on every day on the one sofa they are allowed on. They also are not allowed free reign of my house! But I would be mortally offended if someone said my house reeked of dog….
Having said that EX MIL house was VILE! No dogs but she was just utterly slovenly and the entire place was filthy and stank…the bathrooms would make me gag! In the end I refused to stay there. If you want to remain friends with this woman I think you need to make a different excuse as to why you aren’t staying…..got to get back to look after your own dog perhaps? Or maybe suggest a night away together in a different town?

@EmeraldShamrock

*Why do cat owners leave the litter tray indoors usually the kitchen were food is prepared. I'd leave it out the back under a parasol. The trays stink.*

Because my cats don't live outside. Do you really need to ask that question?
I don't need permission to ask any question @LST the pet thread inspector.
I've never had a cat so didn't realise it was only indoor cats that used litter trays, is that okay?

Well you know indoor cats exist and you didn't say you were talking about indoor cats

@Dogproblems14

Sorry, work long hours so haven’t been back but just wanted to clear a few things up

Yes, the blood was on friends bed. The dogs are given free reign in terms of the flat, and have lots of accidents as well as they aren’t ground floor. I don’t think that helps the smell and it’s difficult.

Friend is very overprotective over the dogs and you cannot say anything negative about them at all. That’s what I meant by sensitive. Once I told the dog to get down, as he jumped up on the sofa while we were eating, had his mouth in my face and she went funny and said “but that’s his favourite spot, leave him be” etc.

I really like her as person and she’s kind and nice, she’s well kept in herself nice nails, perfume etc so cannot see how she can be so nose blind.

I do think if I say anything it’ll be the end of the friendship but I cannot bear to be there for more than 20 minutes max. I’ve suggested meeting at the pub instead so hopefully it’ll be the option!

So, you're not commenting negatively about the dogs, you are commenting about her hygiene and the hygiene of her flat. If it stinks with the dogs there, I'd imagine that it's still smelly when the dogs are out on a walk or if there was a requirement for it, to be put into kennels while the friend goes on holiday. As for the dog jumping up and being in your face, you can be the most ardent dog lover, but you do not have to put up with them being in your face, even if you are in "Sheldon's Spot" and you have to be firm with her and she has to realise that other people don't have to love her dogs the same way she does.

To be honest, I wouldn't mind giving up this relationship because someone has to say something to her so that she can make whatever arrangements are necessary to clean her flat out.

I feel for you OP but I think I would distance myself from this friend, if you can’t even tell the dogs to get out of your face and while eating, she doesn’t respect you at all.

Honestly she is just lazy, she can’t be arsed to clean even for her precious pooches ( this isn’t a good environment for them to live) even if it’s their own pee & poop they’re living in.
She can’t be bothered to train them, toilet train or generally giving them boundaries. These dog owners are very dangerous and if she thinks that they take priority over you a close friend, then outside they will too .. it’s an accident waiting to happen. Even if they’re friendly they get what they want all the time and will not understand why they can’t do things or get their own way.

She isn’t a responsible dog owner and might love them like her kids 😩 but she needs to grow up and train them for toilet training and behavioural training cos believe it or not, dogs like the guidance and need to know their place in the pack ... and it definitely is not top dog.

Does she have many friends?

A big vote in favour of meeting up at the pub instead of going anywhere near her smelly flat! Poor you, and poor dogs!

Could you witter on about how you/a friend has gotten a roomba and how fantastic they are/how brilliant it is at picking up dog hair, you didn’t notice how much hair Fido was shedding etc. (If they are, we have the Roomba but not a dog!) Or perhaps ask for her advice on what spray she uses to mitigate the dog smell, if she has any ideas what the best cleaning stuff for dealing with accidents is as poor Rex is getting on a bit now. Query how long she has the windows open each day as someone suggested the two hours you have the window open in the dog’s room isn’t enough…

Anything basically that might get her to consider reframing her thinking on cleanliness…?!

For people suggesting faking a dog allergy, please don't do this. People with real allergies have such a hard time as people roll their eyes and don't believe them - it's because of people who make up allergies!
You wouldn't pretend you needed a wheelchair, or fake a more visible disease, don't fake allergies.
Thanks.