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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to tell my friend her house smells?

311 replies

Dogproblems14 · 03/08/2021 16:13

NC as outing.

I have a friend who I’ve been friends with for over 3 years. We are in our 30’s. She is a lovely person and I love spending time with her and her company. My friend recently moved out of her parents home and into her own one bed flat. This issue is, she has two big dogs living in the flat with her. I don’t necessarily agree with dogs in flats but, it’s her life and each to their own- but the smell is atrocious.

I’ve been to her flat twice, and it smells very heavy of dog with hair everywhere- it's a very strong smell. One of the dogs has also been on heat and last time she hadn’t washed her bedding despite it having blood on and the dog being on heat weeks before! Another issue is that when I’m there she lets the dogs lick the leftovers directly off the plate, and sometimes tea out of her mug! she doesn’t have a dishwasher and I just think it’s so gross to watch her dogs eat off a plate that then I have too.

She’s invited me round for dinner and a sort of wine night, and to stay over on Friday and I’m dreading it. The dogs are her babies, and I do think if I mention anything she will be highly offended- she’s quite a sensitive person. She has no mental health issues, and is actually a very clean and immaculate person in herself which makes this situation stranger. I’ve suggested her coming to mine instead, but as she lives in a city centre and there’s more to do it makes more sense to eat/drink there. It would be a very expensive taxi home to mine which also wouldn't make sense to her.

How can I go there, and not be grossed out by the thought of eating/sleeping there? ☹ I feel like a horrible awful friend.

Also sorry to any dog lovers I may have offended!

OP posts:
LibbyL92 · 03/08/2021 17:26

I’d be sick!

Very awkward situation. But you’ve just got to be honest, I don’t think there’s another way around it

Carrotinthesky · 03/08/2021 17:27

I have this problem with my brother and sis in-law. They have one of those huge long curly haired dogs. No idea what breed, but it really, really smells to the point where it makes me gag. I've tried and tried to tolerate it but it makes it difficult to talk and eat when I'm feeling so nauseated. DH agrees it smells but he has a stronger stomach for it than I do and can do about an hour or so. Having said that, I've had to stop going there at all. It's a shame because I really enjoy their company. I wouldn't dream of telling them though. It wouldn't go down well I imagine.

user1498572889 · 03/08/2021 17:28

I had a friend who lived in a flat with 2 dogs. I remember going round their once and kicking dog shxt down the hall because I couldn’t see it. The place stunk and was filthy but she was the nicest person I ever knew so I just let her get on with it and ate before I went round there or took takeaway or we ate at mine. I would never have offended her by saying anything. Things didn’t change much when the dogs died so I presume some people just don’t see they are living in a shxt hole.

Whybirdwhy · 03/08/2021 17:30

Omg just tell her.

JackJack84 · 03/08/2021 17:32

I think honesty is the best policy otherwise you'll have to think of a new excuse every time she invites you round.

When I was a teenager my friend lived like this with 3 boxers. One of them had a nasty habit of eating her own sh*t & one day afterwards she came & drank my chocolate milkshake out the glass. The family thought it was hilarious, I nearly vomited right there & then.

HollowTalk · 03/08/2021 17:32

No one will get ill from a “poorly washed plate”that a dog licked FFS. However, I agree with you on everything else.

Oh for god's sake, who would want to eat off a plate like that?

SummaLuvin · 03/08/2021 17:38

Sounds like there is no good solution.

If you tell her she (almost certainly) will be upset and offended. And I would hazard a guess that it won't actually change anything other that the state of your friendship.

If you don't tell then your options are
a) put up with it
b) insist on meeting out or at yours
c)make an excuse not to get together on this occasion
None of these are actually suitable, since she is your friend and has been for years, I imagine you like spending time together and want to meet fairly regularly. You can't keep up with excuses, it's not like she's a friend you meet once or twice a year where would be simple to go out on that one occasion.

Sorry I don't have anything more helpful.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 03/08/2021 17:38

1 small dog can be emough to stink out a small flat let alone 2 largevones. Just say it outright, "Your muts hum and I'm not staying over".

FunMcCool · 03/08/2021 17:40

I think I’d be ill this weekend

OhRene · 03/08/2021 17:40

@imamearcat

Off topic but I think she sounds a nicer dog owner that you with your dog 'in its own designated space'.
You don't have to live like a smelly, dirty dog in a pack to be a good dog owner do you?
whatwasIgoingtosay · 03/08/2021 17:44

I have a friend like this. When we lived near each other we usually went out and did activities together so I wasn't really aware of how bad her house was from the occasional brief visit. Then I moved away and she invited me to visit and stay with her. I was utterly miserable in the house with the 2 dogs that were allowed to shit on the kitchen floor and horrible hygiene standards generally, and I barely slept. Next time I visited I stayed in a lovely clean hotel with the excuse that I would be visiting several other friends on the same trip. We went out for meals together to 'save' her cooking for me (I paid). If there hadn't been the option of a hotel and meals out, I'd have let the friendship go rather than stay there again, much as it would have pained me.

Blanketpolicy · 03/08/2021 17:45

My dog is 13 years old, so very old- and has his own little room which has his bed, toys, food and mostly peace and quiet in his old age.

Hopefully it is just your phrasing, but that doesn't sound much better? It sounds like he is stuck in the one room all day, staring at the same 4 walls, to sleep/eat/live.

Your friends problem is not the dogs, it is her lax housekeeping. Nothing wrong with a dog licking a plate if it is thoroughly washed after, but if you already have doubts about her cleaning ability them it is a bit yuck.

mam0918 · 03/08/2021 17:46

My view is my pets live here and you dont so I dont really care if you like how we conduct our lives with them.

Frankly its just as gross to eat with a fork thats been in someone elses mouth as it is a plate a pet licked that has been washed (no idea why you think a dishwasher would make it magically ok) In fact I have known animal and humans where I would rather share a plate with the animal than the person when it comes to hygene lol.

Simply dont go over if you dont want to but dont sit and judge her and insult her lifestyle/pets.

StoneofDestiny · 03/08/2021 17:47

No way would I go there, eat there or sleep there. Sounds gross. I'd say you have a specific allergy to her dogs - "last time I was there I was ill etc etc"

WingingItSince1973 · 03/08/2021 17:48

Did she have the dogs when she lived with parents? How was she with the hygiene then?

Branleuse · 03/08/2021 17:48

You cant tell her that. Just tell her youd rather go out for food and drinks

OhRene · 03/08/2021 17:49

No one will get ill from a “poorly washed plate”that a dog licked FFS.

Dogs lick shit off their arseholes. Some eat shit too. If they lick a plate and it doesn't get washed properly, there is a likelihood of there being dog shit on it, no?

Unless ingesting dog shit can't actually make you ill?

My SIL is often laughing at me wincing or even retching when she lets her dog lick her tongue and inside her mouth (kisses Confused) or when she eats (and prepares) food with dog licked, unwashed hands. Apparently "dogs mouths are sterile".
Where the hell did that ridiculous misconception come from?

SIL's constant digestive issues, illness and diahorrea have no cause that she can think of.
I can though. And it's obvious. Yuck.

OP, I'd just make up any excuse to decline. Your friend will refuse to see what you do. Or smell it either.

HummingBeeBox · 03/08/2021 17:52

Can you say solely about the plate licking? Say you know it may not have occurred to her but it's something you can't get past. Tip toe into the issue. Maybe you can take your own plate...

MagicSummer · 03/08/2021 17:53

I have a large dog and really worry that my house smells of dog - despite thorough cleaning. I ask people who come to the house if it smells and they all say no (although they may just be saying that to keep the peace!). You could ask her if your house smells of dog and how worried you are about the possibility - hopefully she will then ask you if hers does! You could say it does a bit, but that's probably because they are indoors all the time.

Wearywithteens · 03/08/2021 17:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

LopsidedWombat · 03/08/2021 17:56

I think you can only really push for meeting up out of the house because you'd not only be saying her dog smells but that you think her hygiene is questionable. Not sure a friendship can really get past that! My neighbours very large smelly dog pushed into my flat once and was in here for all of a few minutes but the entire place had a bad dog smell for hours afterwards. If its anything like that I don't think I could spend a lot of time there either but would rather the ground swallow me than mention it.

Psychonabike · 03/08/2021 18:01

The British have a really peculiar thing about dogs (and pets in general perhaps, but mostly dogs). I include myself in that btw...

There is nothing wrong with kindly but assertively saying to someone, friend or family, "I don't like dogs, could we meet elsewhere?" or "I really struggle with the smell and hair that comes with dogs, I'd prefer to meet somewhere else".

I mean, we all know that we can't all be dog people. We all know dogs come with certain smells. And there's no crime in that, or not liking pets at all. But we get all polite about it and behave as though it would be so incredibly offensive to mention these things, like criticising someone's kids or something.

Having dogs is a lifestyle choice but it comes with pros and cons -friends who don't like dogs may not visit. Particularly in a small space. Everyone just needs to be grown up and express their feelings politely.

bellsbuss · 03/08/2021 18:03

I would have to be dying of thirst to even have a glass of water in that flat.

SoSo99 · 03/08/2021 18:03

This is a tough one. Years ago I rented a room in a house whose owner had a beloved cat. I too loved the cat, but found it utterly disgusting that the cat bowl was washed out with a cloth that wasn't then rinsed...and we used that cloth to clean our own dishes and the surfaces.

Fast forward 20 years, and I have two cats who are allowed to jump on all the surfaces...I imagine that lots of people would find that disgusting, but I just can't get worked up about it. (I still wouldn't use our discloth on their bowls though).

I know this is not a helpful post, but I guess what I'm trying to say that sometimes we each have our own levels of what we find disgusting.

Branleuse · 03/08/2021 18:06

Everyone who has dogs, house smells of dog.