To ask how to tell my friend her house smells?

[Dogproblems14]

NC as outing.

I have a friend who I’ve been friends with for over 3 years. We are in our 30’s. She is a lovely person and I love spending time with her and her company. My friend recently moved out of her parents home and into her own one bed flat. This issue is, she has two big dogs living in the flat with her. I don’t necessarily agree with dogs in flats but, it’s her life and each to their own- but the smell is atrocious.

I’ve been to her flat twice, and it smells very heavy of dog with hair everywhere- it's a very strong smell. One of the dogs has also been on heat and last time she hadn’t washed her bedding despite it having blood on and the dog being on heat weeks before! Another issue is that when I’m there she lets the dogs lick the leftovers directly off the plate, and sometimes tea out of her mug! she doesn’t have a dishwasher and I just think it’s so gross to watch her dogs eat off a plate that then I have too.

She’s invited me round for dinner and a sort of wine night, and to stay over on Friday and I’m dreading it. The dogs are her babies, and I do think if I mention anything she will be highly offended- she’s quite a sensitive person. She has no mental health issues, and is actually a very clean and immaculate person in herself which makes this situation stranger. I’ve suggested her coming to mine instead, but as she lives in a city centre and there’s more to do it makes more sense to eat/drink there. It would be a very expensive taxi home to mine which also wouldn't make sense to her.

How can I go there, and not be grossed out by the thought of eating/sleeping there? ☹ I feel like a horrible awful friend.

Also sorry to any dog lovers I may have offended!

I think you should tell her. We all become nose blind to our own house after a while!

Ugh. This post brings back really stinky memories!

When I was a child, we had a puppy who slipped her lead next to a busy road and was hit by a car. Her pelvis was broken and she had damage to her bladder, which meant she leaked urine almost constantly from then on.

When my DBro left home, DDog went with him to a third floor flat. He took her for at least 4 walks each day, she was hugely loved and very well cared for, however, the incontinence persisted for the rest of her 13 years. DB's flat stank. The acrid stench of ammonia as you entered the front door was strong enough to make you gag. She was only allowed in the front room (not the kitchen or bedrooms), where she dribbled pee all over the carpet. DDog was given a full shampoo every other day, but the wee would dribble onto her tail when she was sitting or laying down and she would wag it, showering pee wherever she went. DB shampooed the carpets every other day too, but it was never enough to remove the smell properly. She wasn't allowed on the sofas, but they still absorbed the liquid from her tail, as did the (long) curtains. You can imagine how badly the place smelled. (Not Envy)

Our family loved that dog. But boy oh boy, the SMELL! The day after she died, I helped DB load all of his soft furnishings, curtains and carpets into a van to go to the tip. We opened all of the windows, as wide as they would go, and he left the place to air for a few days. Over the next couple of weeks, he got new carpets and furniture, but the odour of ammonia was still easily detected - it was as if the very walls had absorbed it! It was a good 6 months before the place returned to a "neutral" smell.

As you can tell, I clearly have no workable solution to your issue OP, but I know that having experienced what I did, in your situation (which I appreciate is different), I would do everything in my power to avoid visiting your friend’s home until at least 6 months after her DDogs have either moved out or moved... err.... "on"!

OP, YANBU. That's awful and I'm not sure where to start? The dirty bedding, the dog licking plates, the smell....nasty! I would have difficulty eating there, let alone staying there. I'm not sure how you tackle it but a good short term excuse would be that your dog is on meds which need to be dispensed before bed.

Well she sounds a better dog owner than you are, keeping your dog confined to a room?!

I wouldn't tell her, there is no polite way, sorry. I also wouldn't go to her house though. To me this wouldn't be any different to usual, I don't really like staying over at people's houses. Nothing to do with cleanliness, I just prefer to be in my own bed and get on with my own day the next morning. Also if I'm seeing a friend I'd prefer to go out - after covid it's especially nice to do that.

So maybe just go with that, say you feel like going out and eg checking out a new cafe, plus you won't stay over as you sleep better in your own bed and have a busy day the next day. Taxi fare - I'd just pay it.

Firstly you don't need a dishwasher to have clean plates, I'm sure she washes the plates properly and doest just put them in the cupboard after the dogs have licked them clean so I think you are being a little irrational there.

As for the dog smell, why not go armed with some gifts (look up simply clean products), they smell devine and you can explain the gifts as a 'i just bought myself these and think you'll love them' approach, or you could just be blunt and tell her there's a dog smell which isn't pleasant

@imamearcat

Off topic but I think she sounds a nicer dog owner that you with your dog 'in its own designated space'.

This👍 my dogs are part of the family and can use the same spaces are their human family members

You don’t want to leave your own dog overnight?

That’s so gross. My sisters house can be the same, it can absolutely stink of cat. I’ve never thought how I can say anything about it though, and fortunately since they had a kid the cat litter issue seems better taken care of.

Not sure what excuse I’d come up with re your friend but I wouldn’t be going to hers.

If a good friend, I’d say something. I’d also want someone to say something to me in that situation rather than avoiding my house/company. I’m not a dog owner but know plenty and very few of their houses smell (one does!). It’s not a given.

I've got a lovely (clean living) friend with dogs. I also have a medical condition that means infections and illness are to be avoided. When staying at hers she did the feeding titbits to the dog whilst cooking then carrying on chopping food. I had no alternative but to ask really politely for her to wash her hands, explaining that it would be dire for me if I got a tummy bug. She was ever so sweet and did, and has been really conscious of it ever since. I felt awful but the risk just wasn't worth it.

Sometimes people just don't notice or think and if you ask them nicely as a friend to accommodate what you need they should be ok.

That said when I discussed the incident with another family member, they were horrified that I'd mentioned anything and said they'd have sucked it up and got on with it, but the. I guess that family member doesn't have the risk factor I have

@Pancakeorcrepe

Well she sounds a better dog owner than you are, keeping your dog confined to a room?!

The OPs friend has two big dogs and lives in a one bed flat. Hardly specious.

*Pancakeorcrepe
Well she sounds a better dog owner than you are, keeping your dog confined to a room?!*

Yeah two dogs in a flat is much better.

Housing stock in Europe is slightly different and people living in big cities like London would often have dogs in flats.
I don't see any issues with having a dog in a flat. Two nit sure, depending on how bug the flat is.
But I've never visited a smelly flat where dogs live.
Her standards are not good.
And you shouldn't lower yours.

Just tell her as she might not be aware and perhaps offer to help clean the flat and dogs together if she's a dear friend.
Otherwise stop going on the basis that it smells - no need to dress it up and invent a reason.

"Oh, wow. The doggy smell is getting a bit much." is what I'd say, next time I got there.

I’d just be honest.
‘I love you because you’re a great friend, but I just can’t cope with the smell of other peoples dogs, can we get a hotel room instead?’

Dog people must have no sense of smell. Or hygiene. Gross.
I never go to people's houses if they have dogs. The stench is unbearable. The sense of unsanitary conditions makes me cringe. I do no understand how people have been sucked in to such filthy habits. We don't let adults sit on our furniture with their anus exposed, yet think nothing of letting dogs. Gross.
Your house will smell too, OP.

@ablutiions

I've got a lovely (clean living) friend with dogs. I also have a medical condition that means infections and illness are to be avoided. When staying at hers she did the feeding titbits to the dog whilst cooking then carrying on chopping food. I had no alternative but to ask really politely for her to wash her hands, explaining that it would be dire for me if I got a tummy bug. She was ever so sweet and did, and has been really conscious of it ever since. I felt awful but the risk just wasn't worth it.

Sometimes people just don't notice or think and if you ask them nicely as a friend to accommodate what you need they should be ok.

That said when I discussed the incident with another family member, they were horrified that I'd mentioned anything and said they'd have sucked it up and got on with it, but the. I guess that family member doesn't have the risk factor I have

Nothing you describe there tallies with her being 'clean-living'.

@girl71

Could you say you are allergic to dogs and you had a reaction when you were last there ? I am allergic but can manage around dogs but, have used this as a reason before. Everyone i know with a dog has a smelly house but they cannot smell it. It's the hair everywhere too!! Even the tea smells of dog and has hairs in it. Minging!

It's grim I agree. However, so obviously a lie if Op suddenly becomes allergic to dogs, has never mentioned it before and has just discovered this when a visit to her friend is arranged...

I couldn’t bear this. I wouldn’t be able to spend time there. I don’t know what the answer is

Just tell her. I bet she's lost other friends over this. I certainly wouldn't be friends with her. I actually don't have friends with dogs. We are just too different re hygiene standards to be compatible.

Dogs STINK. Maybe some of us have better senses of smell than others, because to me, it's intolerable. Then there's the hygiene factor. Again, clearly dog people don't have a good sense of hygiene. If they did, they wouldn't keep dogs.

When I flat-shared, my flatmate had a vacuum cleaner that she brought from her previous home. Her dog had died six years prior. The vacuum cleaner STILL STANK of dog, and would make our flat smell after using it. Repulsive.

I've inadvertently been in a friend's car, I knew they didn't have a dog (wouldn't be friends with them if they did), and it stank of dog. I politely said, I'm finding it uncomfortable in here, let's use my car instead, because it weirdly smells of dog and it's making me queasy, even though I know you don't have one. She was amazed I could detect it, she said she'd given a lift to a friend with a dog two weeks prior. I could still smell it.

So, what I'm saying is, some of us maybe have better senses of smell, and dog owners obviously just don't. And they certainly have low standards of hygiene.
We wouldn't tolerate it if they stank, and slobbered everywhere, or sat with their ass out on their furniture, so why is society so adjusted to dogs doing this? It's like dog-owners have been brainwashed into thinking it's ok.

@NoThannks

Dogs STINK. Maybe some of us have better senses of smell than others, because to me, it's intolerable. Then there's the hygiene factor. Again, clearly dog people don't have a good sense of hygiene. If they did, they wouldn't keep dogs.

When I flat-shared, my flatmate had a vacuum cleaner that she brought from her previous home. Her dog had died six years prior. The vacuum cleaner STILL STANK of dog, and would make our flat smell after using it. Repulsive.

I've inadvertently been in a friend's car, I knew they didn't have a dog (wouldn't be friends with them if they did), and it stank of dog. I politely said, I'm finding it uncomfortable in here, let's use my car instead, because it weirdly smells of dog and it's making me queasy, even though I know you don't have one. She was amazed I could detect it, she said she'd given a lift to a friend with a dog two weeks prior. I could still smell it.

So, what I'm saying is, some of us maybe have better senses of smell, and dog owners obviously just don't. And they certainly have low standards of hygiene.
We wouldn't tolerate it if they stank, and slobbered everywhere, or sat with their ass out on their furniture, so why is society so adjusted to dogs doing this? It's like dog-owners have been brainwashed into thinking it's ok.

What a lovely person you seem. I bet people are throwing themselves at you to be friends.

I'd be their friend, over a dog-owners, easily.
Nothing in this comment sounds off to me.

Anyway. Came on to say, it's ok to have standards. It's ok to use our judgement and adjust our circle accordingly. I simply couldn't go to that house. I'd literally gag, if not fully throw up. Same as I don't go to smokers' houses.

Quote dropped out. My first comment was in response to LST above.