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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'Life empty without children'

410 replies

ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 14:32

I am married and really want a family. Two of my close are single - I think one would like children if she met the right person and one is very vocal about not wanting them and they ruin lives / relationships etc.

We are TTC and have had some set backs this year, which they know about.

Over the weekend we were talking and they said that even if it doesn't happen for us, I will still have a great life with my husband, having nice holidays and more money etc and it's nothing to be sad about. But actually, I would be very sad if it doesn't work out, I yearn to have a family. I said that of course I love my husband but we both really want to be parents and to me (not everyone) my life would feel a bit pointless without children.

It's caused huge offence and taken that I think their life is pointless. I dont think that, but yes for me, holidays and cars are not going to fill the strong urge I have to be a mother.

Who is BU?

OP posts:

CharityDingle · 03/08/2021 16:52

Tbh, this thread, including the title, was designed to goad.

Marmitemarinaded · 03/08/2021 16:53

Yes
To me life would be pointless without my children.
End of

Marmitemarinaded · 03/08/2021 16:53

But bloody hell OP - you were thoughtless

GettingItOutThere · 03/08/2021 16:54

life is "easier", without children, but i agree it is not as fulfilling. My life would be empty without my children. I wanted them.

Pre-kids, its like that...24.7! I felt empty before i had children, now i feel completed. Not an easy life by any means but I am happy.

equally i have childless friends who are just as happy and thats brilliant

MintyGreenDream · 03/08/2021 16:55

I didnt mean that to be blunt I just mean if God forbid I doesn't happen then don't write off your life

Marmitemarinaded · 03/08/2021 16:56

@CharityDingle

Tbh, this thread, including the title, was designed to goad.

Agreed Why else would she have name changed

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/08/2021 16:57

The reality is that if children don’t come along, people do generally go on to make a life for themselves - yes there’s a period of mourning, and there may always feel like there’s a space where children might have been but part of coming to terms with the loss of the life you thought you’d have is thinking about what your life might now be. It’s an insensitive comment to say there will be more money for holidays, but so is suggesting life is pointless without children.

The whole issue of children, fertility and life choices tends to be emotive, I was the one in my circle who was vocally anti kids, to hide the fact I was struggling to conceive. We were married for 25 years before kids came along via adoption, for 22 of that folk would have said I didn’t want kids, was focussed on my career etc. You never fully know what’s going on behind closed doors whatever someone says publicly. I’d tread carefully on both sides of the discussion.

PurpleDaisies · 03/08/2021 16:57

life is "easier", without children

You can’t possibly say that is true for everyone.

Marmitemarinaded · 03/08/2021 17:00

@GettingItOutThere

life is "easier", without children, but i agree it is not as fulfilling. My life would be empty without my children. I wanted them.

Pre-kids, its like that...24.7! I felt empty before i had children, now i feel completed. Not an easy life by any means but I am happy.

equally i have childless friends who are just as happy and thats brilliant

No I don’t think my life would be easier without children.

2Hot2Handle · 03/08/2021 17:02

YANBU and I understand how you feel, because I feel the same way, that my life wouldn’t be complete without children. At the same time, I see that some of my friends are living very happy child-free lives and I think that’s wonderful too, which again you’ve said.
If you want to get back on track with your friend, I would apologise for making them think you don’t think their life has meaning without kids. Say you badly phrased what you were trying to say.
Reiterate that you just want kids so much that you’re feeling life is a bit empty for you right now and the last thing you’d want is to lose their friendship over this. Hopefully that will make a difference. Good lucky with your fertility journey. There are so many options and I hope you find something that works for you.

DiscoDown21 · 03/08/2021 17:02

@Louise5754

People that don't want kids. Why bother commenting the whole point is the op does so you can never understand where she is coming from!!

Pretty much the same as those that comment on threads when someone doesn’t want children with all the reasons why they should have children. It’s a free board. Anyone can join in a discussion. It would be pretty dull if everyone had the same opions and life experiences to share eh?

Trampolean · 03/08/2021 17:02

There's a difference between having a very strong urge to be a mother and thinking life is empty without them. I think the comment about cars and holidays is probably the trigger as it implies that people who do enjoy that with no desire for children are somehow not fulfilled.

maddy68 · 03/08/2021 17:03

Not sure what their decisions have to do with you and your opinions tbh. They're adults

PissedOffAgain · 03/08/2021 17:04

But the OP hasn't said that people can't be happy without children. She has just said that SHE wouldn't feel fulfilled without children.

Her friends had already dismissed her feelings about this by saying that she will have more money, nicer holidays etc if it doesn't happen (incidentally I do assume they were trying to put a positive spin on it albeit possibly not in the best way)

All the OP has said is that the things that they have suggested wouldn't fill the void that SHE has. Not that life without children is pointless for everyone

PrincessNutella · 03/08/2021 17:05

I don't know how to say this without sounding new agey, but this is your truth. I never wanted kids and then I did. And when I wanted them, I really wanted them. So there we were. And we had them, and they were difficult and wonderful and took the stuffing out of me and they were worth it. They were the making of me and they nearly killed me. And they grew up and they live their lives and drop in on mine and it's wonderful to see them, but that's not the point. I didn't raise them so they could be my mini-mes, I raised them because I wanted to. I am guessing you feel the same way. There's nothing wrong with that.

Louise5754 · 03/08/2021 17:07

@DiscoDown21 yes it is the same

Goatinthegarden · 03/08/2021 17:10

[quote supermoonrising]@Goatinthegarden

I would therefore expect that they would not be so rude as to suggest my life is pointless or unfulfilled.

But the OP didn’t do that. All she did was the equivalent of someone who wishes to remain child free saying they couldn’t face the monotony and lack of freedom that having kids would require for 20 years. I don’t see what is wrong with stating plainly your thoughts to a close friend. If you can’t do that, you’re not that close.[/quote]
I disagree, I’m close to friends with children. I don’t say derogatory things about having children to my friends because they have chosen to live that lifestyle. If I went to visit a friend who was living in a bungalow, I wouldn’t sit there and say ‘I could never live in a bungalow, living on one level would make me feel so confined’ because it’s a rude comment about their choice/circumstances. I might say, ‘when I buy a house, I really want an upstairs bedroom with a view over the sea’. Just because you’re close, doesn’t mean you can say what you like without it being deemed rude or unthoughtful.

I do empathise with OP because it is hard when your hopes and dreams are not coming to fruition. I also think her friend has been careless with her words too. I empathise with my friends that are struggling to have children, rather than telling them their life will still be ok without the child they covet.

Marmitemarinaded · 03/08/2021 17:15

@PrincessNutella

I don’t really get your point

Nightlystroll · 03/08/2021 17:17

@Louise5754

People that don't want kids. Why bother commenting the whole point is the op does so you can never understand where she is coming from!!

But the op asked people to explain why her friends felt insulted. So it's obvious that it's going to be childless people that are going to be the most understanding of her friends situation.

What a strange comment to make on a parenting site.
Who made you the arbiter of what can and can't be said on this site. Did MN give you a badge or something?

MaxNormal · 03/08/2021 17:17

OP as someone who is childless by choice, what you said sounds fair enough. You feel that your life - yours, not anyone else's - will be empty if you don't have children. That's quite reasonable, it's not like you're saying it applies across the board, just to you.

Wishes2020 · 03/08/2021 17:20

Who is BU?

You are.

Aloethere · 03/08/2021 17:21

@Goatinthegarden

If the child free person is happy with their choice not to procreate I'm not sure why anyone would be concerned about their wounded feelings on the matter. Surely if the are happy them another person's opinion on it would not matter?

I think it’s the constant commenting that we endure when we say we don’t want kids. From the very patronising, ‘you’ll change your mind when you’re older.’ (I’m a woman in my mid-thirties with a fully formed brain, not a five year old suggesting I’d like to be a butterfly when I grow up) to comments like, ‘but what about your poor mum, surely she wants grandchildren?’ (As it is, she has four from my siblings, but why should I have to procreate just to please someone else?).

Women who choose not to have children are constantly being scrutinised and judged for the choice as if there is something wrong with them. We are constantly being told that having a child is the most unselfish and rewarding thing anyone can do. Interestingly having children can make women much more vulnerable to poverty and abuse.

That's crazy. How often is constantly? I'm mid 30s too with 2 kids and who are teenagers/almost teenager now so far from the all-consuming baby days and they never really come up in any conversations, I can't imagine having constant conversations about them so I find it wild that you have to have constant conversations about not having any. How do these constant conversations and judgements come about? I can't imagine saying on a weekly basis to a coworker for example 'changed your mind about having kids yet?'

Nightlystroll · 03/08/2021 17:23

[quote ncncncncncncncnc12]@TableFlowerss riiiiight but it's not offensive at all for my friends to say oh yes sorry about your dead baby but at least you'll have more money for holidays [/quote]
Now I don't know what to believe about anything you've written. I don't believe from your previous posts that either of your friends said this, so I can now imagine that you have not reported accurately what you said that offended them.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/08/2021 17:23

I can understand how you might personally feel this (though I don't share your perspective). I think you were being insensitive to articulate it in the way you have done.

I think people who don't have children (either by choice or otherwise) are bombarded with propaganda that tells them life is meaningless without children on a daily basis. Many women who genuinely have no desire for children are told they are harbouring a secret yearning for them (as with your friend who you seem to have assumed wants them although she's said otherwise).

It's very irritating to have people constantly hammer this home, explicitly or otherwise. If you are miserable about not being able to conceive it will make you feel shit. If you genuinely don't want them it will make you feel patronised and as if your life is less worthwhile.

So while I don't think you were deliberately trying to cause offence and she probably over-reacted I think you were missing a sensitivity chip.

thevassal · 03/08/2021 17:30

I can understand what you meant, but 'pointless' is a very evocative, strong word - if you'd said you'd feel sad if you couldn't have kids I doubt they would have taken it to heart so much. Be honest, if someone said "I would feel disgustingly huge as a size 12" (or whatever size you are), or "I would be embarrassed to only earn (whatever your salary is) after getting a degree," or "I would feel so cramped in a tiny (flat/2 bed)" or lots of other examples, no matter how much they insisted they only meant how they felt and it had no bearing on you even though you were in the same circumstances, you'd feel a bit judged?

Some topics are just very emotive and I would apologise to your friends and not mention again unless they asked/you become pregnant.

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