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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Life empty without children'

410 replies

ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 14:32

I am married and really want a family. Two of my close are single - I think one would like children if she met the right person and one is very vocal about not wanting them and they ruin lives / relationships etc.

We are TTC and have had some set backs this year, which they know about.

Over the weekend we were talking and they said that even if it doesn't happen for us, I will still have a great life with my husband, having nice holidays and more money etc and it's nothing to be sad about. But actually, I would be very sad if it doesn't work out, I yearn to have a family. I said that of course I love my husband but we both really want to be parents and to me (not everyone) my life would feel a bit pointless without children.

It's caused huge offence and taken that I think their life is pointless. I dont think that, but yes for me, holidays and cars are not going to fill the strong urge I have to be a mother.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
moonbedazzled · 03/08/2021 16:44

@Goatinthegarden

"I would never dare be so rude as to tell my friends and acquaintances that have children that I think they have monotonous, boring lives. I would therefore expect that they would not be so rude as to suggest my life is pointless or unfulfilled."

This is very good. Perfectly worded. 👏

Louise5754 · 03/08/2021 16:45

People that don't want kids. Why bother commenting the whole point is the op does so you can never understand where she is coming from!!

CounsellorTroi · 03/08/2021 16:46

[quote supermoonrising]@toconclude
Not really. People express themselves freely with strangers online, why not with close friends? And as for not being able to conceive naturally - there’ are other options such as IVF/adoption/fostering etc[/quote]
They - at least IVF are not really options though - they are both long drawn out, stressful invasive processes without guarantee of success at the end. "Not being able to conceive naturally" is often the least of it.

Hilly17 · 03/08/2021 16:46

Good and bad to having/not having children. Even if you desperately want children, actually having them can sometimes be tough.

Sometimes I could eat my little boy with a spoon I love him so much, then other times he is a bit of an arse and I feel exhausted by it all.
I think my life could have been pretty good without having my little boy, but my view on that might change when I get to old age.

Then again he might move to the other side of the world when he grows up and I hardly get to see him.

Original poster
ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 16:46

@TableFlowerss riiiiight but it's not offensive at all for my friends to say oh yes sorry about your dead baby but at least you'll have more money for holidays

OP posts:
FadoFado · 03/08/2021 16:46

@Louise5754

People that don't want kids. Why bother commenting the whole point is the op does so you can never understand where she is coming from!!
Because she's asking about a particular situation with a friend who doesn't want children.

Keep up!

ThisIsMyThread · 03/08/2021 16:47

@ncncncncncncncnc12

I don't understand why people who don't have children get so offended that I feel this way! You don't want kids. I do and as of yet haven't been successful in trying.

If I was a mother and said to someone who did want them, life is pointless without them then it's very different.

Some people might think their life would be pointless without a high flying job, I wouldn't take that as a slight towards me!

I understand your feelings on this entirely. I felt just the same before we had our lovely baby recently. But the difference is it’s best to keep it to yourself and try and change the subject rather than upset other people. It’s a very sensitive subject all around.
catsjammies · 03/08/2021 16:47

I think your friend IBU tbh. If you worded it as 'I would feel my life would be empty without children. I understand other people have very fulfilling lives without them but for us, personally, it would be upsetting' then not sure what she has to take offence about.

If you said 'I think my life would feel empty without kids' then, yeah, I kind of get her point.

We saw friends the other week and they're the same age as me (my husband is several years older) and we both left saying how their lives just seem a bit empty. But, they obviously love their lives and have been clear they don't want kids.

Tbh sometimes I wish I hadn't wanted kids. The mental load and lack of time to myself and financial constraints feel overwhelming sometimes, but I still keenly remember the emptiness I felt without them so on balance I'm glad they're around!

Louise5754 · 03/08/2021 16:47

@Goatinthegarden

I’m childfree...and a teacher on summer holidays.

*I absolutely love kids, but I also love that I am thoroughly enjoying my SEVEN WEEKS OFF exactly as I please. I have even taken some children belonging to other people out for the odd day and really enjoyed myself.

But my word, the thought of dedicating every day, week, month and year for the next 18 years to checking my delightful little treasure has brushed their teeth, eaten vegetables, gotten exercise, been appropriately nurtured, wasn’t staring at a screen all day, was learning to be a decent human, etc, etc. doesn’t actually sound that great to me.*

Good for you but the op does want children. What a strange comment to make on a parenting site.

FadoFado · 03/08/2021 16:47

[quote ncncncncncncncnc12]@TableFlowerss riiiiight but it's not offensive at all for my friends to say oh yes sorry about your dead baby but at least you'll have more money for holidays [/quote]
Did they say this though?

supermoonrising · 03/08/2021 16:47

@Goatinthegarden

I would therefore expect that they would not be so rude as to suggest my life is pointless or unfulfilled.

But the OP didn’t do that. All she did was the equivalent of someone who wishes to remain child free saying they couldn’t face the monotony and lack of freedom that having kids would require for 20 years. I don’t see what is wrong with stating plainly your thoughts to a close friend. If you can’t do that, you’re not that close.

Original poster
ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 16:47

@MrsTulipTattsyrup I do and im sorry. But my friends aren't in that position - one is vocally anti kids and the other would be open to it, if she met the right person.

OP posts:
Taliskerskye · 03/08/2021 16:48

@Louise5754
She said one friend would have kids if she met the right person. How rude is that to say to someone who wants kids but hasn’t just popped one out with the first person who comes along through desperation

Original poster
ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 16:48

@FadoFado if it doesn't work that then you'll still have a nice laugh and will at least have more money for nice holidays

OP posts:
Original poster
ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 16:49

@FadoFado life * not laugh

OP posts:
FadoFado · 03/08/2021 16:49

[quote ncncncncncncncnc12]@FadoFado if it doesn't work that then you'll still have a nice laugh and will at least have more money for nice holidays [/quote]
but that's a very different thing to 'oh yes sorry about your dead baby but at least you'll have more money for holidays'.

It seems to me like emotions are running high on both sides and maybe you're both misunderstanding the others intentions.

Moiraroseswigs · 03/08/2021 16:49

As for childless people being able to have more, cars, holidays etc, they really do need to do something fulfilling either in their career or on a voluntary basis. I have friends who couldn't have children and they have had a wonderful life, giving of themselves to others (unostentatiously), and been extremely happy.

Wow, I'm childless with fertility issues and have had a rough time recently. Things got on top of me yesterday and I cried about feeling like a pointless failure. My lovely DH said that me just being me means that I'm not pointless or a failure, no matter what happens fertility wise I'm enough as I am. I must tell him that he's wrong and that I "really do" need to start doing something more fulfilling to prove my worth just in case it doesn't work out.

OP, I think this may just be a case of clumsy wording. I absolutely understand how you're feeling but it's not something I would say to friends without children.

EastWestWhosBest · 03/08/2021 16:49

As for childless people being able to have more, cars, holidays etc, they really do need to do something fulfilling either in their career or on a voluntary basis.

Do they? Oh shit. I’d better sort that out then.

Goatinthegarden · 03/08/2021 16:50

If the child free person is happy with their choice not to procreate I'm not sure why anyone would be concerned about their wounded feelings on the matter. Surely if the are happy them another person's opinion on it would not matter?

I think it’s the constant commenting that we endure when we say we don’t want kids. From the very patronising, ‘you’ll change your mind when you’re older.’ (I’m a woman in my mid-thirties with a fully formed brain, not a five year old suggesting I’d like to be a butterfly when I grow up) to comments like, ‘but what about your poor mum, surely she wants grandchildren?’ (As it is, she has four from my siblings, but why should I have to procreate just to please someone else?).

Women who choose not to have children are constantly being scrutinised and judged for the choice as if there is something wrong with them. We are constantly being told that having a child is the most unselfish and rewarding thing anyone can do. Interestingly having children can make women much more vulnerable to poverty and abuse.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 03/08/2021 16:50

@Lottapianos and @userxx the patronising in that statement is off the scale!

Women / people without children ‘must’ volunteer or have fulfilling careers? Do one Grin

DiscoDown21 · 03/08/2021 16:50

Urgh I see people/pp still think us child free people have to replace the void without them with cars/holidays/ material possessions? Has anyone asked why child free people are on a parenting website yet? No bingo?Hmm

No we ’May have more free cash to be able to spend on them if we wish. I’m not materialistic at all my money goes on our home, going out and about, friends and family and holidays mostly. As well as saving up for retirement. Life for me is about experiencing what I can in the short time I’m here. I’ve no inclination for that to include children and that doesn’t mean I have an empty existence.

Op your friend has probably heard what you said a million times over, it’s not about them it’s about you sure but it still grates that some people just can’t see how some of us live a happy fulfilled life without children.

Louise5754 · 03/08/2021 16:51

My last comment should have been in bold apart from the last sentence.

supermoonrising · 03/08/2021 16:51

@Taliskerskye

Having kids is actually pretty pointless. Youre highly likely to bring up some rapist or abuser in the main if you look at statistics for me.

The only value in life presents in the value we ascribe to things we personally care about. That’s it. For millions of people, having kids is so far from pointless - it is rather quite literally the only thing in this universe which has a point. And they are correct in that. As is, the artist for whom the only thing that matters is his paintbrush. Or the runner who cares about nothing but beating their record. They are all correct.

MintyGreenDream · 03/08/2021 16:52

You have to be prepared to be childless to a certain degree just because obviously there is a chance you might not be able to have them.Im sure you'll be fine but be realistic.

Taliskerskye · 03/08/2021 16:52

@supermoonrising
Her friend didn’t say that though. Did she!! It’s like you’re making things up.
Her friend found a positive
And she just doubled down on the rudeness with the cars n holidays comment