'Life empty without children'

[ncncncncncncncnc12]

I am married and really want a family. Two of my close are single - I think one would like children if she met the right person and one is very vocal about not wanting them and they ruin lives / relationships etc.

We are TTC and have had some set backs this year, which they know about.

Over the weekend we were talking and they said that even if it doesn't happen for us, I will still have a great life with my husband, having nice holidays and more money etc and it's nothing to be sad about. But actually, I would be very sad if it doesn't work out, I yearn to have a family. I said that of course I love my husband but we both really want to be parents and to me (not everyone) my life would feel a bit pointless without children.

It's caused huge offence and taken that I think their life is pointless. I dont think that, but yes for me, holidays and cars are not going to fill the strong urge I have to be a mother.

Who is BU?

OP, sending you love. Miscarriage is a horrendous, painful and often incredibly lonely experience to go through.

I'm so sorry you've had to face horrible comments from those who haven't taken the time to read that part of your story.

People can be so quick to tear others down 😞. Xxx

@Marmitemarinaded I think the way you've worded your op didn't quite get across what happened.

So you told your friends you were pregnant, sadly lost the baby and in the context of frat discussion one said "will without a baby you'll still have a lovely life"?

Op I think you are not being unreasonable at all particularly given the circumstances.

I am so sorry for your loss, I think your friend was very insensitive.

Sending

Sorry I mean @ncncncncncncncnc12 !! Got a bit muddled there!

[quote LittleFroggie]@korawick12345 also I find it sad that certain people would accept my degree for example as an achievement, which required an average amount of studying for a few years, whereas you dismiss me counting raising my children as such. The amount of time dedicated to caring for them, through the colic, their many hospital visits, teaching them how to walk, how to talk, how to be good citizens of the world… raising a good and decent human being is of course an achievement. It’s also my greatest joy. There’s no need to diminish mother’s roles in order to support women who choose not to be mothers.[/quote]
Sorry that you care so much what I think! If you want to consider having a children a great achievement then crack on, doesn’t mean I have to agree with you.

@korawick12345 you’ve misunderstood me - I find it sad that certain people are so small minded. I obviously couldn’t give a fuck about a randomer on MN

I'm so sorry ncncnc. Miscarriage is horrible.

@ncncncncncncncnc12
Maybe don’t drip feed. Saying you’re ttc is very different from saying you lost a child.

Also you’re second explanation of 12 weeks, well it doesn’t make sense to read,

Anyway, everyone told you you’re a dick from your op. Then you suddenly drip feed a reason 10 pages in.
Ok love

@Taliskerskye I said we were TTC and had some set backs.

Would you like to know the full story? I was pregnant, got to 12 weeks told everyone including my work and then almost immediately my pregnancy ended.

Don't 'ok love' me. I said we'd had set backs, I just didn't go into the personal detail. Please don't insinuate I would make something like that up to 'drip feed' internet strangers

I'm sorry OP - I also lost my first baby at 12 weeks

Unfortunately these kind of threads always end up in a not very nice slanging match

@ncncncncncncncnc12
Why on Earth on a mother forum did you not say you had miscarriaged

It’s odd. Anyway. I wish you the best. I hope you can manage not to be so rude to people in the future, especially people who were trying to be friends and help you in positivity

Your friends are there for life. If they’re offended there are two reasons, they’re fucking drama queens or you were incredibly rude. Only you know which one is the truth.

[quote LittleFroggie]@korawick12345 you’ve misunderstood me - I find it sad that certain people are so small minded. I obviously couldn’t give a fuck about a randomer on MN [/quote]
You ‘couldn’t give a fuck’ about @korawick12345 yet you keep responding directly to her? The ‘couldn’t give a fuck’ isn’t exactly convincing, but I suppose you don’t give a fuck about my opinion either!

There are a couple posters on this thread that really don't want childless women to give their opinions, even though OP asked for them. I wonder why that is?
I'm sorry that you had a miscarriage OP. Hopefully you can fix things with your friends.

Losing a much wanted pregnancy is awful, OP, I totally sympathise with you. I’ve been there myself a couple of times. I hope you’re being kind to yourself.

However, to be fair, your original post just said that you were TTC and had had some setbacks. I think most people would consider what you’ve been through to be a bit more than a setback and it really does change the scenario completely.

I think the conversation has gone badly on both sides - while your friends were trying to be helpful, they’ve said completely the wrong thing. The whole “you can still have a nice life/still try again/ at least you know you can get pregnant” comments are bloody awful to hear when you’re grieving. But I also think that what you said could be considered as very judgemental to two childless women, although I appreciate it has come from a place of deep pain on your part.

I wasn’t going to comment because, to be honest, you weren’t coming across well in your replies. Explaining your situation has totally turned this around though.

Ultimately, I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable for a woman in your position to say “I feel like my life would be pointless without children”. You’re grieving and I think your friends should’ve let your comment slide instead of taking it as a personal slight. I know I said some over dramatic things along similar lines while feeling sorry for myself (no judgement here, it’s all part of the grieving process) and my friends offered lots of hugs and cups of tea.

"especially people who were trying to be friends and help you in positivity"

You don't want positivity in response to such an event, you want empathy and support. Friends should be able to be honest about their feelings when venting. The OP should have been listened to and sympathised with.
Before I did my counseling qualification, I did the 'positive spin' thing, but it doesn't help the other person. It's the wrong thing to do.

OP, I get what you are saying. I had secondary infertility and started a degree to try to cover up how I was really feeling. I was making life plans without another child in it. But it didn't matter to me, because it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted more children.

I think that it is sensible for anyone struggling with fertility to think about how they will cope if they don't have children because it is a possibility.

Fulfilment in life will always mean different things to different people and for some, yes, that is their children. That's fine, but sometimes can be unhealthy because you are investing all your hopes and dreams into a unique and individual human being who might not think the same as you, have the same belief system and have their own hopes and dreams which may be alien to yours.

In my experience the most fulfilled people are those who have adapted to their situation and made it work for them.

The bottom line is, @ncncncncncncncnc12, you need to think about how you are going to live if the worst happens and you cannot have children. You need to find a way of being happy now, with what you have and what you can have in your future - if that future doesn't contain children.

I hope you get what you want. Really, I do. I also hope that you and your friends find your way through this and get to remain friends. However, there's a part of me that thinks that you do find their lives empty and dull and you judge them for it.

Your friend said your life will be just fine with holidays and more money. That's fuckin awful too.

Why are people are saying you were rude but she wasn't.

She is being ridiculous when she said something equally as offensive in the wrong ears.

OP The fact you had a miscarriage puts a completely different complexion on things. You mentioned you'd had some setbacks - but that could have meant you'd had some discouraging test results or something. In the context of of your having had a miscarriage your friend's remarks were very insensitive.

@CounsellorTroi

OP The fact you had a miscarriage puts a completely different complexion on things. You mentioned you'd had some setbacks - but that could have meant you'd had some discouraging test results or something. In the context of of your having had a miscarriage your friend's remarks were very insensitive.

This.

OP

OP The fact you had a miscarriage puts a completely different complexion on things. You mentioned you'd had some setbacks - but that could have meant you'd had some discouraging test results or something. In the context of of your having had a miscarriage your friend's remarks were very insensitive.

I do agree with this. I’m really sorry for your loss, OP

Quite aside from the op and her friends but do same sex couples get asked if they are going to have children all the time?
Do childless/free men get told that they must find fulfilment elsewhere by volunteering or some such shit?

Page 10 drip feed. After everyone says you’re unreasonable
Yeah ok love

Look, I think you just needed to preface it by saying 'that's an interesting position and I'm
Pleased you feel like that but ... and it's probably something to do with me .. but I'd feel
like my life was without purpose if I didn't. Totally respect what you're saying blah blah'

I get you OP. I felt the same.

Your recent posts read completely differently to your first post.

I think it’s hard to be a good parent who can truly help children grow into happy and fulfilled adults if you have such narrow views about what brings meaning to life.

If you’re life is without meaning now, that’s really sad.