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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Life empty without children'

410 replies

ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 14:32

I am married and really want a family. Two of my close are single - I think one would like children if she met the right person and one is very vocal about not wanting them and they ruin lives / relationships etc.

We are TTC and have had some set backs this year, which they know about.

Over the weekend we were talking and they said that even if it doesn't happen for us, I will still have a great life with my husband, having nice holidays and more money etc and it's nothing to be sad about. But actually, I would be very sad if it doesn't work out, I yearn to have a family. I said that of course I love my husband but we both really want to be parents and to me (not everyone) my life would feel a bit pointless without children.

It's caused huge offence and taken that I think their life is pointless. I dont think that, but yes for me, holidays and cars are not going to fill the strong urge I have to be a mother.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
GreyGoose1980 · 03/08/2021 17:58

Hi OP
I think the offence is probably around the fact you said your life would be ‘Pointless’ without kids to two people without children. It’s a strong term to use. If you’d said you wouldn’t personally feel as fulfilled then you may have got a different response.

Ginger1982 · 03/08/2021 18:01

Sounds like they were trying to say something nice and supportive and you've turned around and made it into something more than it needed to be.

Youseethethingis · 03/08/2021 18:02

I cant help but feel a bit deflated that a woman would list her greatest achievement as producing off spring
I think doing a good job of raising them is an achievement, rather than simply producing them. Why minimise the effort and strength it takes to be a good parent?

Marmitemarinaded · 03/08/2021 18:06

@Mreggsworth

You are not unreasonable to think that way, but I do think it is quite sad when people feel that way, I see comments (mainly on Facebook clickbait articles) from women saying things like "life was empty before children" "being a mum is the greatest thing I've ever done and will do". I cant help but feel a bit deflated that a woman would list her greatest achievement as producing off spring, and that some women have so little going for them if they are happy to be solely defined by being a mum...so was their child hood, studying years, friendships, career, love life and travel all just wasted years if they were 'empty and meaningless' before children?

I feel deeply fulfilled by those things I listed, I want children but hope my identity never becomes just 'mum' and I hope to remain fulfilled by all the other things in life.

And its rediculous to assume someone is just saying they dont want kids because they dont have the right partner, some people just dont see children in their lives and dont imagine getting joy from being a parent and thats a perfectly valid and justified way to feel. I know people who feel that way and they are very content with their life.

No one cons across well in this post
LittleFroggie · 03/08/2021 18:08

I cant help but feel a bit deflated that a woman would list her greatest achievement as producing off spring

Why reduce the greatest achievement of my life to “producing off spring”? I birthed, cradled and nurtured my babies. I’m raising them into adulthood with all of the many, many skills and attributes that requires to do well. Yes I’ve travelled, enjoy friendships, am educated and have a career. I love my husband very much too but frankly everything else that life has to offer pales in comparison to the joy my children bring me. It’s the greatest joy of my life - nothing wrong with that at all.

Fimat · 03/08/2021 18:15

I think people are being hard on you OP.
From as far back as I can remember I always presumed I’d be a mother. I chose a career that would be family friendly and had my kids names picked out for years.
Then infertility hit and I ended up needing 8 ivfs and a million different surgeries etc.
I was devastated going through this as it looked like one of the roles I always imagined I would have was not going to happen.
Being childless and child free are two very different things.
I remember saying to a friend who was childfree I wish I could flick a switch and be happy to be child free but I wasn’t there. Not getting the chance to be a mother felt bleak to me as it was something Id imagined for decades.
I started counselling with a view to help me to work towards becoming a childfree person rather then a childless one but I was finally successful after yet another round of ivf.
I really do feel that the childless/childfree language helps.
Talk to your friends.

korawick12345 · 03/08/2021 18:16

@LittleFroggie

I cant help but feel a bit deflated that a woman would list her greatest achievement as producing off spring

Why reduce the greatest achievement of my life to “producing off spring”? I birthed, cradled and nurtured my babies. I’m raising them into adulthood with all of the many, many skills and attributes that requires to do well. Yes I’ve travelled, enjoy friendships, am educated and have a career. I love my husband very much too but frankly everything else that life has to offer pales in comparison to the joy my children bring me. It’s the greatest joy of my life - nothing wrong with that at all.

It may be a great joy in your life but it really makes me wonder when people describe having and raising children as their greatest achievement. By all means if your child goes on to change the world, by curing cancer or being a world beating athlete etc etc but most people raise very average human beings which is fine but definitely not a great achievement!
LittleFroggie · 03/08/2021 18:22

@korawick12345 you don’t get to decide how other people define their life’s achievements. Try not to be so judgemental of people.

Mammyloveswine · 03/08/2021 18:26

I mean not gonna lie, two weeks in to the summer hols when my kids are driving me mad I can see the appeal...

Seriously though no one is wrong in the situation you describe and whilst some people adore a child free life others will feel the loss of not having children.

Some will change their minds and others who yearn for children may well struggle and actively miss their old lives!

Personally I wouldn't discuss ttc with anyone (I find it a bit weird when people announce they are trying) as when you get pregnant you'll have people congratulating you and being excited for you!

Good luck ttc op (there are great boards on here of people also ttc which will be great to chat with like minded individuals!),

Original poster
ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 18:29

@Mammyloveswine I didn't announce we were TTC, I was over 12 weeks so had told them.

OP posts:
LittleFroggie · 03/08/2021 18:31

@korawick12345 also I find it sad that certain people would accept my degree for example as an achievement, which required an average amount of studying for a few years, whereas you dismiss me counting raising my children as such. The amount of time dedicated to caring for them, through the colic, their many hospital visits, teaching them how to walk, how to talk, how to be good citizens of the world… raising a good and decent human being is of course an achievement. It’s also my greatest joy. There’s no need to diminish mother’s roles in order to support women who choose not to be mothers.

Mreggsworth · 03/08/2021 18:34

@LittleFroggie

There is nothing wrong with having pride in your children and how you raise them, but you also listed other prides you have in your life.

I said I feel sadness for those who feel children were the only thing that brings pride and meaning to their life.

Marmitemarinaded · 03/08/2021 18:35

[quote ncncncncncncncnc12]@Mammyloveswine I didn't announce we were TTC, I was over 12 weeks so had told them.[/quote]
So you’re pregnant? I missed that
Your op indicates you are ttc

Trampolean · 03/08/2021 18:44

I feel deeply fulfilled by those things I listed, I want children but hope my identity never becomes just 'mum' and I hope to remain fulfilled by all the other things in life.

It doesn't have to be. I love DS, but I also love other things in life and felt fulfilled and happy before having him and continue to now- he's just a wonderful addition to our lives rather than out whole lives. Some will disagree and thing that's awful, I think it's healthy personally, but each to their own.

Nearlythere21 · 03/08/2021 18:46

I understand it as OP miscarried. OP I think fertility difficulties and miscarriage are often misunderstood especially by those who do not share those experiences. Being encouraged to look on the bright side is generally not helpful.

Mreggsworth · 03/08/2021 18:47

@Trampolean

I agree that sounds healthy and thats how I hope I will feel when I have children, that they are a valued addition not filling an empty void.

GreyEyedWitch · 03/08/2021 18:48

@Marmitemarinaded Going by the thread, I believe that miscarried after announcing her pregnancy at 12 weeks.

OP, you did nothing wrong. You were simply expressing your truth and you obviously struck a nerve with your friend. Maybe they question their life choice or maybe they get a lot of flack from relatives. It's probably not your fault that they became defensive.

I know that if I didn't have children then I would have had a nice life. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't have felt unfulfilled in a big way by not having children.

Taliskerskye · 03/08/2021 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Squirrelblanket · 03/08/2021 18:51

Another classic.

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes.
OP: No I'm not because X, Y, Z

Yes you were being unreasonable. Especially with the 'cars and holidays' bollocks.

Chikapu · 03/08/2021 18:54

@Taliskerskye

So you’re pregnant and you told other childless people that life would be pointless without children God you’re even more awful than I thought
It sounds like the OP had a miscarriage, stop being a bitch just for the sake of it.
Original poster
ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 18:55

@Taliskerskye Can you not read???

I'm not pregnant anymore. I was over 12 weeks pregnant and now I'm not. You do the maths.

And my friends told me that even if it doesn't work out then at least I'll have more money for holidays.

Why are you angry and nasty?

OP posts:
GreyEyedWitch · 03/08/2021 18:55

@Taliskerskye

So you’re pregnant and you told other childless people that life would be pointless without children God you’re even more awful than I thought
She's not pregnant and she told a child-free (by choice) couple that HER life would be pointless without children.
Original poster
ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 18:56

@Squirrelblanket she mentioned holidays actually. I will have more money for holidays if I don't have a successful pregnancy 'at least'

OP posts:
Original poster
ncncncncncncncnc12 · 03/08/2021 18:57

@Marmitemarinaded I'm no longer pregnant, I was explaining how they knew were TTC. I was and now I'm not.

OP posts:
Nearlythere21 · 03/08/2021 18:59

I think people have really misunderstood the OP here. Right from the beginning it was clear she was struggling and anything she said about childlessness was about her sadness. The cars and holidays was clarified as being about what her friends said to her rather than her view of how those without children live their lives.