Page 9 | Boyfriend foul language to dc

ClemDanFango · 03/08/2021 14:57

He’s not good enough for your children or for you. You’ve done the right thing leaving. Please take the next step and dump his arse.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 03/08/2021 14:59

You haven't done anything wrong. How you react and move forward will teach your children a good lesson.

Have a think about what you want your future to look like. When I ended my relationship with my ex when I was pregnant I made the decision to not date while Dd was young. Being a single parent is exhausting and dating is expensive in time, financially and emotionally. Instead I decided to spend my money and time on myself, learning to drive, doing an OU degree to improve my employment prospects and generally getting my life back on track. Not spending time and energy on a man has left more time for Dd and myself to go on holiday, theatre random days out. I'm happy without a man and perhaps you would he too whilst your children are young or perhaps you wouldn't be but maybe make a list of the future partner you want, the qualities you want to aim for and those that are red flags and that you won't tolerate.

Tuscancat · 03/08/2021 15:01

Don't feel bad, just end it and draw a line under it.

Falleybollolo · 03/08/2021 15:03

Op
Delete and block this awful man and have no further contact whatsoever. He
Take some time to work out your boundaries and stick to them like glue.
Don't expose your children to any further risk.

MzHz · 03/08/2021 15:03

This is the beginning of the rest of your life.

You can choose to be held back, by settling for this (and worse, because you know that’s how this story pans out) or you can choose to move forward and away from those who don’t treat you and your dc with kindness and love.

You’ve been on this rodeo before, abusers take time to show themselves- the stat most used is that on average it takes 2 years for an abusive person to show themselves.

This guy is showing you who he is.

You know you’re ok on your own, so get shot of him, tell yourself how strong you are, how you won’t tolerate anything like this again and you’re going to develop a shield of protection that will repel all those who come to destroy you by the thousand cuts thing.

Have you done the freedom programme? In person is the best, it’s not a magic bullet, but it’s a start.

And you have us. You always have us.

5475878237NC · 03/08/2021 15:06

Don't feel bad OP. Guilt won't help. You've recognised the signs enough to post here. The crucial thing now is to end this relationship.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/08/2021 15:14

Maya Angelou said "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better".

Don't beat yourself up. You made the decision to have the children around this man based on 'what you knew then'. Now you 'know better' and you'll hopefully keep your 'dating life' separate from your 'family life' at least while your children are so young.

My cousin did this. When her children were young she dated but decided that she wasn't going to have a 'living with/intertwined lives' relationship until her DC were older. Her 'dates' met her children at some point but they didn't spend what you'd think of as 'family time' with them. Just brief 'How are you, how's school?' convos when picking their mother up or dropping her home.

PropertyFlipper · 03/08/2021 15:18

All I will say is that it is worth bearing in mind how many times 'step fathers' are implicated in violent acts against DC. Walk away and don't look back.

Confusedandshaken · 03/08/2021 15:22

If he said hoor I'm assuming his Irish and in my experience (English born to one Irish parent with Irish grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, then later inlaws, DH etc) it's not on a par with calling someone a whore although the word has the same derivation. In certain circumstances it can even be a grudging compliment (although clearly not here). And swearing generally isn't as big a deal in Ireland as it is in the U.K. Here it's normally intended to be aggressive or abusive, in Ireland it seems more casual. So I might be inclined to overlook it from an Irishman as a one off, if he accepted it wasn't ok around the D.C. and if he apologised.

But you were there OP. You know how he looked like when he said it and what the mood was like. If it felt off to you then it probably was off. You need to follow your instincts here.

Greystray · 03/08/2021 15:24

He doesn't love your children, and he's obviously not ready to be part of a family. His resentment comes through in your post. I wouldn't trust him alone with your dc's. Best to call it a day.

georgarina · 03/08/2021 15:31

My heart breaks for your little dc asking what boyfriend called him.

Good luck op you know the right thing x

bakinbiscuits · 03/08/2021 15:34

You know this isn't a one off, if you have noticed difficulty or strain for a while then it's not a one off, it's just the start! If you accept this and play it down then it will happen again and again.

And by leaving there and then it wouldn't of been you causing the scene, it was him. Don't accept any blame in this situation, you did nothing wrong.

Now hopefully you'll show your children that it's not ok to accept that behaviour and that it's always ok to leave!

Original poster

Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 15:34

georgarina thats exactly what I felt and I could see it on dc face

I'm almost crying thinking of

OP posts:

Polkadots2021 · 03/08/2021 15:35

@Whatname2021

hi Will keep brief. I am so mad and upset, feel like ending contact but would like your thoughts.

Boyfriend of 18months, recently introduced to do 7 and 5. Home after day out, kids had been little difficult in previous few days. Something happened that frightened dc as he wasn't expecting it, the act itself was not bad, just happened to frighten dc. Dc started to cry and came to me upset. Could see Boyfriend mouth Something in anger, but I didn't hear. My other dc then immediately said, Boyfriend called dc a whingey . I was absolutely floored, dc that it was about didn't hear what was said but looked at me with a Terrible upset face and asked what did Boyfriend call me? I was so angry and upset but didn't want to cause upset in front of dc.

Werr staying at Boyfriend house that evening, there was obvious tension but he didn't say anything or apologise. When kids in bed i brought it up and expressed my feelings, he said he was so sorry and it just came out, he is finding it challenging at times.

I cannot shake what feels like an attack on my dc and my instinct is to protect them. I feel like ending relationship.

What would be your thoughts? This is a one off but I have sensed difficulty/ strain for a while

Omg end it!! Your instinct to protect your kids is the right one. He sounds terrible. Don't expose them to him any longer.

vomcomvomcom · 03/08/2021 15:37

I really think you’re overreacting! Maybe your children are not pleasant to be around. It was a mistake, he’s apologised. You can’t pretend everyone will think your kids are as perfect as you do, that’s not real life! I would have been frustrated if a little kid was faffing about getting in or out of the car. Do you not instruct them what to do or how to stay safe?

starrynight87 · 03/08/2021 15:44

He called a young child that for crying!!

Woah. Horrendous.

Polkadots2021 · 03/08/2021 15:44

@Whatname2021

dc was in car, got out to be with me, dc standing at front of car and he beeped on purpose, I do not know why

He probably was angry that dc got out

Well that's transparent. If a small child is standing in front of a car, and there's a loud beep out of nowhere, course he'll cry. Your boyfriend knew that. He wanted to make him cry, because he was pissed off that your DS didn't sit in the car like he was told. He was lashing out.

Also I wonder why your DS didn't want to be alone in the car with your boyfriend. Maybe it was no reason, maybe there was an unpleasant reason.

Definitely don't expose your kids to this man.

Original poster

Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 15:50

Sorry I just remembered he beeped because dc left the car door open and he couldn't pull into driveway. Beeped to say close door

Of course I instruct them to stay safe, it was on a private driveway in a rural area

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 15:51

sorry about recollection, am sick at present

OP posts:

ladycarlotta · 03/08/2021 15:51

*He might not have meant the beeping nastily, but it upset a young child & rather than apologise & feel bad he got cross with the child & called them a name.

In effect as far as I can see, blamed a child for something that he had done.*

This, 100%. If he can't keep his cool and refrain from using abusive language on his very first time meeting your children, he's definitely not going to up his game as the relationship goes on.

OP, you've done nothing wrong. You are entitled to a loving relationship; you were considerate of your children in all this; you took your time getting to know someone before introducing them. It's not your fault he's a tit, and now you've spotted it you're responding appropriately. Please don't beat yourself up over this. Your love and respect for your children shines through your messages - just go with your gut.

miltonj · 03/08/2021 15:54

Urgh... yeah end it and soon. I wouldn't let anyone speak to my kid that way, let alone a boyfriend who could be a permanent fixture.

WombatChocolate · 03/08/2021 15:55

You are trying to rationalise all this in your own mind, to justify it. You need to recognise that’s what people in your situation do. First they are horrified about something that they’re right to be horrified about and then they start to reason it all away.

The question is, how many times are you prepared for your boyfriend to be unkind or to show he is irritated by your children before you act? Do you really think it’s going to turn into a happy family relationship that it needs to be for this to be ongoing? Only you know that but you have to be very honest with yourself about it.

Hankunamatata · 03/08/2021 15:56

So kids left door open, bf beeped horn for kids to close door. Kids started crying, bf got annoyed and called child whiny hoor (but your saying hoor isn't a bad word where you come from - what would be equivalent in English)

Greystray · 03/08/2021 15:57

Maybe your children are not pleasant to be around.

If he thinks that then he needs to leave. Not call the children names. At this point he should still be semi-formal with these kids, and if this is the behaviour he is presenting, it's not going to get any better.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/08/2021 16:00

@ladycarlotta

*He might not have meant the beeping nastily, but it upset a young child & rather than apologise & feel bad he got cross with the child & called them a name.

In effect as far as I can see, blamed a child for something that he had done.*

This, 100%. If he can't keep his cool and refrain from using abusive language on his very first time meeting your children, he's definitely not going to up his game as the relationship goes on.

OP, you've done nothing wrong. You are entitled to a loving relationship; you were considerate of your children in all this; you took your time getting to know someone before introducing them. It's not your fault he's a tit, and now you've spotted it you're responding appropriately. Please don't beat yourself up over this. Your love and respect for your children shines through your messages - just go with your gut.

this He blamed a child for being scared and crying for something he had done and instead of apologising insulted him. That's his knee jerk reaction to what started as a very very mild situation. Is that going to improve over time, particularly when something more challenging arises? Also. Your boy got out of the car to be with you. ie didn't want to stay in the car with him.