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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend foul language to dc

297 replies

Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 12:08

hi
Will keep brief. I am so mad and upset, feel like ending contact but would like your thoughts.

Boyfriend of 18months, recently introduced to do 7 and 5. Home after day out, kids had been little difficult in previous few days. Something happened that frightened dc as he wasn't expecting it, the act itself was not bad, just happened to frighten dc. Dc started to cry and came to me upset. Could see Boyfriend mouth Something in anger, but I didn't hear. My other dc then immediately said, Boyfriend called dc a whingey . I was absolutely floored, dc that it was about didn't hear what was said but looked at me with a Terrible upset face and asked what did Boyfriend call me? I was so angry and upset but didn't want to cause upset in front of dc.

Werr staying at Boyfriend house that evening, there was obvious tension but he didn't say anything or apologise. When kids in bed i brought it up and expressed my feelings, he said he was so sorry and it just came out, he is finding it challenging at times.

I cannot shake what feels like an attack on my dc and my instinct is to protect them. I feel like ending relationship.

What would be your thoughts? This is a one off but I have sensed difficulty/ strain for a while

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 13:44

sorry guys if I wasn't clear, he actually said the words, I couldn't hear them as he was in car, but I saw him sat something. My other dc was in the car and heard what he said and then told me

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 03/08/2021 13:45

End it OP. Your children have to come first. You can't inflict this man on them when he is clearly not capable of behaving like an adult. They shouldn't have to deal with his abuse. Just block him. Let your kids know that you won't be seeing him again and they are safe now.

annacondom · 03/08/2021 13:46

Well done, OP.

MulberrySquash · 03/08/2021 13:49

Dealbreaker for me

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 03/08/2021 13:52

You’re getting a really hard time here OP. It’s not great - he’s made a huge error in judgement here. But you know him - we don’t. Is it a one off? Is he generally angry and impatient? Or was he pushed to his limit? Was it said out loud? Or meant as an aside and the kids heard it because he’s not good at whispering? My DH has muttered under his breath loads of times that my DSD is being a little shit, for example. Because sometimes she is! But only you know the context and how this incident truly was. Do you feel safe with your bf? Do you feel your kids are safe with him? Can he learn from this? Would he read a book like How to talk so kids will listen? Is he open to improving his conduct around them? Try to think about it with a clear head.

Tiana4 · 03/08/2021 13:58

Let’s get this straight, in my part of Ireland, if you called someone a Hoor, you’re very unlikely to be comparing them to a Prostitute! ... It’s ordinary banter/fairly common parlance. ... A hoor is a term for someone annoying or dodgy, both male and female.... I don’t use the word myself but my best pal uses it an awful lot when complaining about other people.

This^

OP. Even if it's a phrase that doesn't quite mean what MNer's are reacting to- it's not great really is it? Impatiently beeping a horn at DC and then swearing about child & in earshot.

But You don't have to do anything now. You left when it was safe and light - you've kept your DCs wellbeing at forefront and have returned home.

You have time to think this over. You don't need to see him for a while or ever again if you choose not to.

Don't let anyone rush you into a decision . Take as long as you need. Rather than ask on MN in AIBU which isn't well balanced and PPs are making assumptions rather than understanding language variations between different countries & regions, you may be better off asking opinions more locally of good local friends

LaBellina · 03/08/2021 13:58

A man who calls a little girl a whore isn’t a man you should want around your children.

I’m not an agressive person but I’m afraid if I had heard someone refer to my little girl like that, I would have completely lost it. You did well by not escalating the situation any further in front of your DC but please, dump this man. I don’t want to be nasty towards you but I honestly can’t understand how women can still have feelings for a man who throws this kind of a misogynistic terms at a CHILD. My feelings for him would have vanished instantly.

Louise5754 · 03/08/2021 13:58

I don't think beeping at a child is that bad, I've done it before to make my kids jump. They laugh.

If a kid cried at that I would think they were mardy tbh. Wouldn't call them a name but to be honest I don't think anyone was supposed to have heard it.

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 14:02

Thank you tiana4, your post made me teary

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 03/08/2021 14:03

I fell for you OP.

This is how dating works. You are getting to know this man. You are now over the first flush of fancying each other and finding out if you enjoy spending time together. you are now at the stage of introducing him to your DC and finding out if they get along and if he could step up to be a step father to them. He has shown you that he is not capable of this. So now you know. The relationship is over. As said upthread, he has only just met them and has already lost his rag with them.

It's sad when someone isn't who you hoped they were but this chap is not very nice so you've not lost out. You've found out who he really is.

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 14:03

I mean in a good way

I don't have anyone to talk to really and I am horrified with myself i put my children in this situation, ashamed also

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 03/08/2021 14:04

Feel!! I feel for you OP

Zilla1 · 03/08/2021 14:04

HNRTT but presumably all those PPs who are saying 'end it' for him muttering something under his breath rather than out loud at the DC have never muttered anything about their children themselves and have the patience of saints with (someone else's) children. I've never met any one like that in the real world though I have met an enormous number of self-deluded, judgmental hypocrites?

What would they and you do, OP, if you did eventually, accidentally mutter something? Suddenly excuse it and change your high standards or give your DC up for adoption? I'm not saying don't have high standards and protect your DC and only you can judge this relationship.

There are many things I would not tolerate but I'm not sure someone muttering something to themselves at the end of a day when you say the DC have 'been difficult' would be one.

saraclara · 03/08/2021 14:06

@starskey80

What's disturbing me is that you totally minimised the angry beeping of the horn at a very young child, to scare her obviously.

This says a lot. You do not have the appropriate boundaries to protect your children. Stay away from men and focus on them. They have no choice who you bring into their world.

For goodness sake, stop attacking the OP. This is totally unfair.

She wouldn't be here if she thought this man's behaviour was okay. She's absolutely protecting her children.

LaBellina · 03/08/2021 14:06

It’s not about him muttering something, it’s about using misogynistic, sexist language aimed at a small girl.

If it had been something like oh be quiet or even muttered oh shut up it MIGHT have been something to forgive as a one off but what was said, simply isn’t. Creep.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/08/2021 14:07

He didn't mutter it under his breath, the other child heard it.

crabbingbucket · 03/08/2021 14:08

@Whatname2021

BiscuitDrama - hoor
Oh my god I thought you meant cunt. Which was awful enough. Somehow whore is so much worse!! Who calls a young girl a whore?

Nah, get out now

moofolk · 03/08/2021 14:09

People swear in the heat of the moment, I'm a similar way to how your DC was scared due to a surprise.

But a person who deserves to be around your kids does not need hours and it bringing up before they apologise.

pommepommefrites · 03/08/2021 14:10

I might have punched him to death and stolen his car. The beeping without the swearing would have been enough for me to attempt murder. And he didn't mutter, he said it plainly infront of op's other child. It's not about having patience, it's about not intimidating a women with two young children who are stuck with you and your vehicle as the only way out of a rural area. Cunt.

Zilla1 · 03/08/2021 14:13

HNRTT but if the OP or her BF is Irish then I expect some PPs have said the word hoor has an extremely specific meaning in Ireland that is entirely lost on other Anglophone countries.

And it is possible to mutter under the breath and for someone else to hear it. Most children have better hearing than adults. That does not stop it being a mutter or mouthing something, IMO.

Fizzbangwallop · 03/08/2021 14:15

@Whatname2021 make sure you read @ChargingBuck’s excellent post a few times. It will help you to know that your instincts are right and this man isn’t a good choice of partner.

You’ve been given a hard time but it sounds like you are ready to get rid of this scummy man. Don’t accept any excuses or minimising from him, tell him it’s over and you don’t want to see him again.

There’s a few posters here who seem quick to excuse calling a young child a whore as being ok or just an Irish cultural thing. It’s NEVER ok to bully, intimidate or belittle a small child with a deliberate intention to scare or upset them - it’s abusive behaviour.

pommepommefrites · 03/08/2021 14:16

But op is Irish and so are the kids and they found his actions and words upsetting, that's the point!

starskey80 · 03/08/2021 14:16

Saraclara she said in the opening post that he did something ' not that bad' that frightened the child.

Beeping at a child in anger, when child is that close to the car is fucking bad in my books !!!

starskey80 · 03/08/2021 14:17

And I'm Irish, I know the word well. Anyone who called my child a whingey hoor would be in the Shits !!

WombatChocolate · 03/08/2021 14:19

I think you said you’ve been with him a fair while before introducing him to your children. That is good and of course the children change the dynamic of the relationship.

One thing to be very aware of, is the fact that if you’ve had an abusive childhood and ex, then your own sense of what is normal or appropriate might be a bit skewed. Lots of women from this kind of background haven’t really known decent men and only those who behave badly. They think it’s normal and that it’s what they deserve and they prefer the idea of being with someone like this than alone. You need to recognise if these feelings are there for you.

So now you have kids and they have to come first. Crap men have no place in your lives and it is better to be single, however hard that is and might feel.

You know Op if he is a crap man. You know if he is a kind man and you know if this muttering under his breath is a one-off blip or part of who he is. I do agree that it’s possible for someone to say something bad as a one-off, but it’s not usually a one-off but part of winder pattern of behaviour.

So you need to think about the wider patterns and him a bit more. I guess it’s at the stage where he either needs to be part of all your lives (rather than just seeing you and. It with the children) or it has to end. Your kids are of course a key part of your life and if he wants to be with you, he has to accept trans want them too. That’s not necessarily easy and lots of men find that when it comes to this stage, the children just don’t appeal to them…..and then it’s the end.

Your children need to hear loud and clear that they come first…..not that you tolerate bad behaviour towards them because you prioritise your boyfriend.

The final answer can only come from you and you’ll need to think carefully about it, but if action is needed, please make sure you take it and don’t be one of those women who have a history of abuse and remain in the crap relationship to the detriment of yourself and of your kids too.