Boyfriend foul language to dc

[Whatname2021]

hi
Will keep brief. I am so mad and upset, feel like ending contact but would like your thoughts.

Boyfriend of 18months, recently introduced to do 7 and 5. Home after day out, kids had been little difficult in previous few days. Something happened that frightened dc as he wasn't expecting it, the act itself was not bad, just happened to frighten dc. Dc started to cry and came to me upset. Could see Boyfriend mouth Something in anger, but I didn't hear. My other dc then immediately said, Boyfriend called dc a whingey . I was absolutely floored, dc that it was about didn't hear what was said but looked at me with a Terrible upset face and asked what did Boyfriend call me? I was so angry and upset but didn't want to cause upset in front of dc.

Werr staying at Boyfriend house that evening, there was obvious tension but he didn't say anything or apologise. When kids in bed i brought it up and expressed my feelings, he said he was so sorry and it just came out, he is finding it challenging at times.

I cannot shake what feels like an attack on my dc and my instinct is to protect them. I feel like ending relationship.

What would be your thoughts? This is a one off but I have sensed difficulty/ strain for a while

Hi OP, long thread so I haven't read it all. I advise ending this relationship, stressed or not, no responsible caring adult would say that to a child. And he has not long met them - you'd expect him to be on most agreeable behaviour, not abusive. Your children know he was abusive. Let them know they are your priority. You only need to feel guilty if you do not end this relationship. Don't listen to his excuses - nothing excuses this behaviour, you can't trust him. Thank goodness your child was old enough to report what was said! You've had a lot of stick on this thread - I don't think you deserve it - you are obviously here because you have recognised the abuse. Also, people do doubt themselves in these situations, if they don't have a support network around them. I wouldn't have the children any where around when you do end things, and I wouldn't allow j back into their home

Hi everyone, I am leaving the thread now as can't take anymore. Thank you for your help

The best of luck OP.

Best of luck from me too.
You will move on from this man and feel better in due course.

For those getting caught up in semantics:

This (admittedly horrible) man did not call a small child a whore, per se: I'm from the west of Scotland and 'hoor' (whore) is a kind of a catch-all derogatory term: for example, I wrap my ankle in the cord of the hoover, I call it a 'hoor of a thing' - I am not LITERALLY calling the hoover a prostitute, I'm just saying it's a bit of a dick and I am expressing my anger at it. Two different things.

Nonetheless, it IS a derogatory term and an adult should not be referring to a child that way.

OP, take a bit of a time to think about your life: you've gone from an abusive childhood to an abusive marriage to a relationship with a man who is decidedly less than complimentary about your children.

I think you should take a wee step back from relationships for a while and perhaps, if possible, look into a bit of counselling or therapy.

I did not say anything offensive.

You made several comments that concerned me - and others - in terms of expectations of behaviour from quite young children.

I hope I am wrong but I fear you will use that feeling of us having been "too harsh" as an excuse to stay with this man and continue to have unrealistic expectations of your children in terms of their behaviour.

Wrong and frustrating

As for

however when you parent alone 24/7 receive constant abuse from an ex who has very little involvement only to cause hassle, work full time, run a home, suffering illness from being run into the ground, I think I deserve to say at times it is all a bit challenging

I have been in exactly that situation and still would never have tolerated anyone treating my dc as this man has nor have expected my dds behaviour to have been outside the norm for her age and experience.

Yes life is challenging and difficult in those circumstances. Still no excuse to allow the dc to be treated badly

@DufferMum

Get out now, no nice man refers to any child in those terms

Please do this. For the sake of your children.

The man is evil.

@Graphista

You’re clearly clueless about subtle cultural differences in another country but somehow seem to believe you’re an expert and qualified to bash the OP.

You’re wrong.

In many areas of rural Ireland, you’ll be hard pressed to get a taxi outside of a main town. Many villages like the one near me have a church and a school, maybe a pub/shop and that’s it. My nearest taxi company is about 20 miles away. I’ve never used them.

Let’s get this straight. He did not call the child a whiny whore!

Hoor is not ‘whore’ and is used similarly to ‘feck’.
Calling a small kid a filthy Hoor or a Fecker is actually no big deal. It might be because they did something silly, dropped something or got covered in sand at the beach. The use of colourful language is pretty normal amongst many of my friends.

You cannot assume that the OP’s boyfriend was being dangerously aggressive just from beeping his horn and muttering the word Hoor under his breath.

Only the OP can know whether it’s part of a bigger issue.

Graphista I did not say my life was an excuse to allow my children to be treated in that way. I'm simply saying a challenging life means there are times I find it difficult and meeting the needs of two energetic young children is more difficult than being mum who has a partner and a supportive one.

You stated did I not understand children are energetic, I'm saying of course I do, but doing it alone is so very difficult at times, with someone working against you

Killahangilion thank you for the supportive message, you seem to understand

I feel i made the best decision with what was in front of me

@Killahangilion I'm perfectly capable of understanding subtle cultural differences. I'm a scot of irish descent and and have lived all over Uk as well as overseas

This man is not suitable to have around young children in a parental capacity and I am far from the only person on thread to think so

I am also not the only one concerned about ops own boundaries and expectations on her dcs behaviour at such a young age

I have said nothing particularly harsh or offensive

I have reasonably suggested - as have others - that the op and her dc may well benefit from her getting some therapy and support to address past issues and how they are affecting current expectations and boundaries

Absolutely nothing offensive about that

'of Irish descent'.

It's clear from your posts that you genuinely have no idea what you're talking about.

There's a massive difference culturally between what is considered normal in Dublin and the rest of Ireland.

Or as we say, you either come from Cork or Not Cork.

I would've walked out and ended contact with him.

No one would talk to my dc like that.

Leave now, history will repeat its self

I think the op has ended the relationship or is about to. Good for her!

Put your children first and get rid I cannot believe you are even deliberating over this

I’ve only read the first few pages….

I think it sounds like something and nothing!

People seem fixated on the word ‘whore’ but Im Irish and we use that very casually to describe people - ‘thon hure down the road’, or an example is Emma Kearney the MUa - of anyone follows her on Instagram or TikTok you’ll know she always says things like ‘girls look at my finished make up, arent I a sexy hure’

Honestly it’s not that big of a deal.

OP I’d keep an eye obviously incase there’s any other instances but it sounds like this has been blown out of proportion!

Why is this thread titled foul language to DC if the words used are considered not that bad in cultural context? My mind is blown.

I think it must have rang serious alarm bells for you OP. I think you should move onwards and upwards. It's not just what he said but the tone and circumstance. You will teach your DC a brilliant lesson about self-worth too.

OK so the word 'hoor' has a slightly different, less offensive meaning in Irish English than simply 'whore', although it has the same origin. Is that it? But it's still derogatory as another Irish pp said. So roughly equivalent to calling the child a 'little shit' or 'bastard'?

Still aggressive and totally inappropriate to a child. As was deliberately frightening the child. And early on in the relationship too, when if he had any intelligence at all he'd know to be on his best behaviour.

Sounds like an aggressive and immature man who shouldn't be around children. He won't bring anything good into their lives.

You need to end this relationship, things will not improve. I'm irish and I get hoor and whore mean something slightly different here but absolutely no way would I let someone call my child that, this is just the start. Please get out now and protect your precious dc, even if this was an isolated event (doubtful) it's not worth the risk. Please leave him.

End it. Your child shouldn't experience what you went through.

@pommepommefrites

Why is this thread titled foul language to DC if the words used are considered not that bad in cultural context? My mind is blown.

It's probably the way he said it and the fact that the op's daughter drew attention to it. Maybe the op is not of the culture where calling someone a 'hoor' is normal.

With our own kids we might occasionally say, "Oh do stop whingeing", or "That child has done nothing but complain today", but I get from what the op says that there is tension there, boyfriend is not comfortable being with her children.

I'm glad she is ending it.

Maggiesfarm you are right, I have definitely said that to this dc, sometimes everything in a day is an issue no matter what. But I would never curse at my children
Previous posters have said he may have been horn to get our attention to close door, but he was annoyed and lashed out and didn't immediately apologise after frightening dc

Wrangling over the word he used is missing the point. The point is that you sensibly waited to introduce him to your dc. And you have now found out that he does not have the patience and kindness to form a family with them.

He probably resents how much of your attention they require, but has been trying to hide that up to now because his priority is that he wants a relationship with you.

Your dc are not, and never will be, his priority. This won't be an isolated incident, because he will continue to find them a barrier and an inconvenience in his relationship with you. End the relationship now, while you are still in a position to say that you have prioritised your children.

He isn't the one for you op. Kids can be silly sometimes, annoying, rude even but name calling is unacceptable. If my dh said that to either of our children I would hit the roof. It is unacceptable use of language and rather a vile word to call a young child. Your kids are clingy, your a single parent and sound like the only real stability they have in life so that shouldn't be a surprise. You do have a lot on your plate and I totally get that it can be challenging or even overwhelming at times but a guy like this is going to add to your load not lessen it. I would ditch him.