Boyfriend foul language to dc

[Whatname2021]

hi
Will keep brief. I am so mad and upset, feel like ending contact but would like your thoughts.

Boyfriend of 18months, recently introduced to do 7 and 5. Home after day out, kids had been little difficult in previous few days. Something happened that frightened dc as he wasn't expecting it, the act itself was not bad, just happened to frighten dc. Dc started to cry and came to me upset. Could see Boyfriend mouth Something in anger, but I didn't hear. My other dc then immediately said, Boyfriend called dc a whingey . I was absolutely floored, dc that it was about didn't hear what was said but looked at me with a Terrible upset face and asked what did Boyfriend call me? I was so angry and upset but didn't want to cause upset in front of dc.

Werr staying at Boyfriend house that evening, there was obvious tension but he didn't say anything or apologise. When kids in bed i brought it up and expressed my feelings, he said he was so sorry and it just came out, he is finding it challenging at times.

I cannot shake what feels like an attack on my dc and my instinct is to protect them. I feel like ending relationship.

What would be your thoughts? This is a one off but I have sensed difficulty/ strain for a while

When I wrote my post I didn't think the beeping itself was an offence as he wouldn't have known this would upset dc, however I now agree with the consideration of why he even beeped in the first place, only to get a reaction

again can I make clear there has not been a string of Relationships or men. This is the only guy since my marriage and I have no problem being on my own and have no plans to date

I'd immediately end a relationship with anyone who said that to my DS. I would never say it myself, I would not tolerate it from anyone else under any circumstances.

Op I hope you are ok xxx
You can't do anything about the past, only move forward. I sometimes see parents shouting and swearing at their kids and I think what chance have they got in life.
You know this is wrong and you can make a difference. Your kids need to see you and hear you saying it's wrong. That we don't talk to people that way. It's your role as a mum to protect them and nurture them. Take care xxx

[quote Fizzbangwallop]**@Whatname2021* make sure you read @ChargingBuck*’s excellent post a few times. It will help you to know that your instincts are right and this man isn’t a good choice of partner.

You’ve been given a hard time but it sounds like you are ready to get rid of this scummy man. Don’t accept any excuses or minimising from him, tell him it’s over and you don’t want to see him again.

There’s a few posters here who seem quick to excuse calling a young child a whore as being ok or just an Irish cultural thing. It’s NEVER ok to bully, intimidate or belittle a small child with a deliberate intention to scare or upset them - it’s abusive behaviour.[/quote]
This. Calling a child a whore is never, ever acceptable.

He's crossed a line that can't ever be pulled back.

@Zilla1: why yes, we do mutter under our breath. Things like "gah!" or, "you are kidding me!?". Never, ever called a child a whore. Never called an adult a whore, either.

There are many things I would not tolerate but I'm not sure someone muttering something to themselves at the end of a day when you say the DC have 'been difficult' would be one. So you'd allow someone to call your child a whore? Raise your standards.

OP fair play for seeing that his behaviour is wrong. And it sounds like you did the right thing not introducing him to the kids for a while.

Unfortunately he does not have the patience for young kids.

Bit odd for him to say he loves them after only meeting them a couple of months ago.... although I'd say he only said that to try get back into your good books.

Best to throw this one back OP.... Plenty of time for dating, my kids are 9 and 13 and I'm not planning on dating for a good while yet.
Single 4 years and loving it.

@Whatname2021

When I wrote my post I didn't think the beeping itself was an offence as he wouldn't have known this would upset dc, however I now agree with the consideration of why he even beeped in the first place, only to get a reaction

He might not have meant the beeping nastily, but it upset a young child & rather than apologise & feel bad he got cross with the child & called them a name.

In effect as far as I can see, blamed a child for something that he had done.

Diddl, that is completely accurate now I have had time to reflect

Me & my OH have 3 children each 2 years apart & throughout all the newborn years/collic/toddlers/tantrums/meltdowns and now teenage years I've never once heard my husband use that kind of language towards one of our kids - massive ref flag I would say. I know kids are HARD work but there is a difference between whispering for f#$ks sake to yourself when your patience is wearing thin and openly calling a child a whingy whatever in front of the kids - massively inappropriate and horrible

@Doodlebug71 I have high standards (though I expect most people think the same). I also understand the difference between someone calling somebody something and somebody muttering something under their breath. I also understand the difference between whore and Hiberno-English hoor which is what the OP said. Apart from that, couldn't agree with you more.

No, I'd end it. Unpleasant man with a temper. This is who he really is. You and your children deserve better.

I'd leave, if he's like that now I think it'll only get worse. Your kids don't deserve that. Imagine how he'd respond if one of the children accidentally damaged something or broke something of his (even cup/plate) I'd think he'd probably not be able to contain himself

End it.

I don't have anyone to talk to really and I am horrified with myself i put my children in this situation, ashamed also

You don't need to feel ashamed though. You didn't make him say it. What have you got to be ashamed about? If you end it you'll have shown your children a great example of what to do if someone crosses your boundary.

It's not even what he said. It's the lack of respect for your child that's the worst thing.

Needapoodle I suppose I put them around this person who has now done this

I feel awful

I'd be worried at his reaction over something so minor when he's supposed to be on his best behaviour.
What would he do if one of them broke something, hit them?

Don't let anyone rush you into a decision . Take as long as you need. Rather than ask on MN in AIBU which isn't well balanced and PPs are making assumptions rather than understanding language variations between different countries & regions, you may be better off asking opinions more locally of good local friends

It's not about he semantics @Tiana4.

It's about a man who barely knows this little girl losing his temper & beeping his horn to scare her - then, instead of feeling appalled at himself & sorry, doubling down on his anger by calling her a whinger.

OP doesn't need to take any time to decide about this man - she & her children are already well rid of one abusive arsehole, & certainly don't need to invite another one into their lives.

FFS, what a scumbag! What kind of grown man calls a little girl a whingey whore?

@Taliskerskye

I would have walked out that afternoon.

This

May have been better to introduce you BF then let him and the children spend small amounts of time together rather than going out for a whole day and spending the night at his place, no wonder the children were a bit upset. Yes you need to get rid of the BF.

*Needapoodle I suppose I put them around this person who has now done this

I feel awful*

But you didn't know.

This is not an easy situation and probably will end due to Boyfriends lack of experience with children and the fact that they are not his.

How old is Boyfriend?

I think I would dump him now as I don’t think he has the patience or empathy to deal with other people’s children.

OP,

Learn from this.

Let a positive come from it.

When you reflect further.

See if you missed earlier warnings?

Things that would have been an indicator that he has a short fuse.

Presumably you laugh at episodes of Father Ted with Mrs Doyle with her g’wan, g’wan and what about the arguing couple trying to kill each other? Where do you think the writer got his inspiration for them from?

Well hopefully not from anyone being angry and aggressive towards five year olds. I laughed at an episode of Pulling when someone said he had taken a dump in a cornflakes box. It doesn't mean I'd find it either funny or acceptable IRL.