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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend foul language to dc

297 replies

Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 12:08

hi
Will keep brief. I am so mad and upset, feel like ending contact but would like your thoughts.

Boyfriend of 18months, recently introduced to do 7 and 5. Home after day out, kids had been little difficult in previous few days. Something happened that frightened dc as he wasn't expecting it, the act itself was not bad, just happened to frighten dc. Dc started to cry and came to me upset. Could see Boyfriend mouth Something in anger, but I didn't hear. My other dc then immediately said, Boyfriend called dc a whingey . I was absolutely floored, dc that it was about didn't hear what was said but looked at me with a Terrible upset face and asked what did Boyfriend call me? I was so angry and upset but didn't want to cause upset in front of dc.

Werr staying at Boyfriend house that evening, there was obvious tension but he didn't say anything or apologise. When kids in bed i brought it up and expressed my feelings, he said he was so sorry and it just came out, he is finding it challenging at times.

I cannot shake what feels like an attack on my dc and my instinct is to protect them. I feel like ending relationship.

What would be your thoughts? This is a one off but I have sensed difficulty/ strain for a while

OP posts:
withsexypantsandasausagedog · 04/08/2021 12:17

So he only apologised when you said you didn't like it. He doesn't care about your kids, and him saying he loves them sounds like a lie as you said he only recently met them.

QueenBee52 · 04/08/2021 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Feedingthebirds1 · 04/08/2021 13:27

@QueenBee52

He said he got it totally wrong, apologisedz said he loves them and me

No he doesn't..

You need counselling because you lack the ability to see what is wrong here.. these children are depending in you to protect them and you are failing .. you are defending a man you have known for only 18 months..

This needs to end and the fact you cannot see this.. shows you are the problem.

The OP has already said that she had an abusive childhood and was married to an abuser. Those relationships skew someone's ability to see what is considered normal and what isn't. She didn't introduce him on the second date, she waited until it seemed like the relationship was going to last. On the first meeting he showed that he wasn't suitable to be around her DCs. She dealt with the situation calmly, avoided drama and left early the next morning. She is having no further contact with him. Your quote that he apologised and said he loves them is what he said - it has not changed the OP's opinion, she hasn't immediately done a U turn and said well that's alright then.

I think your post, and similar from a few others, are unnecessarily harsh and unfair towards the OP. She has seen what is wrong and ended it at the first incident. She doesn't need to be attacked.

LynetteScavo · 04/08/2021 13:38

I think this man will probably be relieved the relationship is over. He really doesn't sound cut out for dating someone who has children and hopefully he's learned that.

Maggiesfarm · 04/08/2021 13:59

If you don't end the relationship now, I suggest you don't involve him in the lives of your children. See him on your own for a while and then re-assess.

QueenBee52 · 04/08/2021 14:55

@Feedingthebirds1

She needs therapy.. yes because of her history and she needs help to recognise abuse, instead of accepting it.

It may well sound harsh to you.. but the fact is she is not prioritising the needs of her children. 🌸

Feedingthebirds1 · 04/08/2021 15:49

She needs therapy.. yes because of her history and she needs help to recognise abuse, instead of accepting it.

Therapy can be be very helpful in dealing with a difficult past, I'm not disputing that. I don't know whether the OP has addressed those issues or not. What I'm saying is that in this particular instance she has dealt with it very well without therapy. She hasn't started going out with a different man every week and immediately introduced him to the DCs. She thought this was a stable relationship with a future. At the very first sign that he was unsuitable she's removed herself and the DCs from him. She didn't 'accept' it. She prioritised her children straight away. And if you're thinking she should have left the instant she knew what had been said, I disagree. She protected her children from any drama or any sense that something was wrong, which I think was the right thing to do.

(And apologies OP for talking about you as if you're not there.)

QueenBee52 · 04/08/2021 15:53

@Feedingthebirds1

She needs therapy.. yes because of her history and she needs help to recognise abuse, instead of accepting it.

Therapy can be be very helpful in dealing with a difficult past, I'm not disputing that. I don't know whether the OP has addressed those issues or not. What I'm saying is that in this particular instance she has dealt with it very well without therapy. She hasn't started going out with a different man every week and immediately introduced him to the DCs. She thought this was a stable relationship with a future. At the very first sign that he was unsuitable she's removed herself and the DCs from him. She didn't 'accept' it. She prioritised her children straight away. And if you're thinking she should have left the instant she knew what had been said, I disagree. She protected her children from any drama or any sense that something was wrong, which I think was the right thing to do.

(And apologies OP for talking about you as if you're not there.)

I disagree

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 04/08/2021 16:08

Feedingthebirds1 thank you.

I think queenbee is living up to her username with what she is throwing at me.

I know this man 7 years, seeing him two years, only introduced dc in spring 21, so this incident did not happen on first meeting. I removed us when it felt safe to do so, I have not contacted him and he has not contacted me. Says alot

OP posts:
Pissinthepottyplease · 04/08/2021 16:09

@Whatname2021

MorrisZapp yes I did have an abusive childhood. Also, when I ended my marriage he became v verbally abusive and in front of dc, so this has really cut.

They are challenging bundles of energy, the type that don't stop from 6.30/7am to 9pm, but I would never call them a name.

He said he got it totally wrong, apologisedz said he loves them and me

He loves children he has just met?
Taliskerskye · 04/08/2021 16:11

I’m sorry OP. It’s probably incredibly hurtful he hasn’t reached out to you. But good in a way. It shows him for who he is.

He may well think he is punishing you with silent treatment and he is highly likely to come back and blame you in some way for no contact. Which will end up with you apologising. It’s a well known tactic

If you can stay strong and stay away then that will be better for you. As I said before, it’s not just the words, it’s the actions that led up to it, and clearly his behaviour after.

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 04/08/2021 17:02

Pissinthepottyplease met them in spring

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 04/08/2021 17:06

@Whatname2021

Feedingthebirds1 thank you.

I think queenbee is living up to her username with what she is throwing at me.

I know this man 7 years, seeing him two years, only introduced dc in spring 21, so this incident did not happen on first meeting. I removed us when it felt safe to do so, I have not contacted him and he has not contacted me. Says alot

He's doing you a favour, by not contacting you.
Fireflybaby · 10/08/2021 10:15

Look people stop jumping at this poor woman's throat and be so judgemental about how she handled the situation. You haven't walked in her shoes. Abusive childhood and abusive relationships makes you think it's your fault all the time an always find excuses for others around you.
Please do give her advice. Please do let her know this is not right. And I think she's got the idea about breaking up with this guy.
OP you are doing great! You did your best with the tools you had. Making a scene in front of the children wouldn't have accomplished anything.
Staying away from that man will protect you and your children. Please don't blame everything on you. Wishing you the best of luck xxx

Boredmotherofone · 10/08/2021 10:49

@MorrisZapp

The beeping a five year old would be a dumping offence on its own. Then instead of being frantic that he'd frightened them, he was arsey. The exact words he used are irrelevant. He's proved he doesn't like your kids and can't be bothered putting their needs even slightly ahead of his own.
You would dump someone for beeping their horn at a 5yr old?!? I do that all the time to my 6yr old and other things to make her jump, she loves it! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

What this man said is deplorable - no argument there. But dumping someone for jokingly making a 5yr old jump is absolutely ridiculous!! Are partners disposable to you or something?!

Boredmotherofone · 10/08/2021 10:49

@GladAllOver

I think some posters have been a bit hard on the OP. It's not always possible to make the right decision instantly when in a state of shock.

She's done the right thing now. Well done!

THIS!
Boredmotherofone · 10/08/2021 10:51

@Whatname2021 I'm so sorry OP. Nobody seems to be caring how you must be feeling right now. I'm really sorry he turned out to be someone different to who you thought he was. You must be heartbroken SadThanksGin

Boredmotherofone · 10/08/2021 10:53

@LuxOlente

Do not bring "boyfriends" into your children's home. Just don't. Don't let them meet these men. They come into their homes, they dislike them, they abuse them.

Dating is for you. Do whatever. But protect them from it and don't bring strange, sweary, sexist, horn-beeping men into their life.

"These men????" ONE MAN

Choose your words carefully in future and show some respect. Don't be so utterly judgmentalHmm

ShitPoetryClub · 10/08/2021 11:12

You sound like a good Mum to me. Your only mistake was to post here and get a battering for it. I hope you are ok.

Timmytoo · 10/08/2021 11:21

What stands out for me is that he said it with intention. If it had been a slip if the tongue, he would have immediately put his hand to his mouth and apologise profusely. For this reason, I would definitely break up with him. He will continue to talk to them like this and I would not be able to tolerate it, nor would I subject my child to being spoken to like this. Imagine how he might behave when he's alone with them.

Caffienated · 10/08/2021 12:18

I suspect OP has rightly abandoned this thread given the amount of judgemental, righteous and assumptive trash that's been chucked at her. But if you do glance back, OP, please know that you are absolutely not deserving of some of the posts and comments on here. It sounds like you already know that what he did was completely unacceptable, and his lack of communication since confirms that. It must be so exhausting at times parenting alone and I can imagine you must feel pretty awful right now that someone you'd begun to trust has betrayed that trust and hurt your children like this. You and most of all your children deserve much better. Good luck X

Miffy84 · 10/08/2021 12:23

I would of maybe left at an appropriate time, wouldn’t of made a song and dance but would I said nice knowing you bye 👋🏻 . I’m sorry but it sounds like he’s fairly new to you and your children. If he can’t handle it now then he needs to cease contact with you all. I would be looking for a a partner with more patience and understanding. This is alarms bell to me 😢

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