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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend foul language to dc

297 replies

Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 12:08

hi
Will keep brief. I am so mad and upset, feel like ending contact but would like your thoughts.

Boyfriend of 18months, recently introduced to do 7 and 5. Home after day out, kids had been little difficult in previous few days. Something happened that frightened dc as he wasn't expecting it, the act itself was not bad, just happened to frighten dc. Dc started to cry and came to me upset. Could see Boyfriend mouth Something in anger, but I didn't hear. My other dc then immediately said, Boyfriend called dc a whingey . I was absolutely floored, dc that it was about didn't hear what was said but looked at me with a Terrible upset face and asked what did Boyfriend call me? I was so angry and upset but didn't want to cause upset in front of dc.

Werr staying at Boyfriend house that evening, there was obvious tension but he didn't say anything or apologise. When kids in bed i brought it up and expressed my feelings, he said he was so sorry and it just came out, he is finding it challenging at times.

I cannot shake what feels like an attack on my dc and my instinct is to protect them. I feel like ending relationship.

What would be your thoughts? This is a one off but I have sensed difficulty/ strain for a while

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 03/08/2021 12:52

@Whatname2021

dc was in car, got out to be with me, dc standing at front of car and he beeped on purpose, I do not know why

He probably was angry that dc got out

OP, please do yourself & your DC a giant favour, & read this book by Lundy Bancroft - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

You need to take a break from men, & focus on yourself for a while.
Until you understand more about how & why "Angry & Controlling Men" behave how they do, you are going to continue being vulnerable to them. They will sniff you out in a second, & you don't yet have enough of a Shark Cage to repel them.
www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

This is NOT your fault - in fact it's almost inevitable given your childhood, & your marriage. Take a year off from dating while you give yourself the tremendous gift of understanding what motivates abusers, & how you have been so conditioned throughout your life to accept abuse, that you don't even see the signs until it's too late.

I also recommend that you do The Freedom Programme, & access some one-on-one counselling to help you on your journey.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
You can do the course online, but will also find resources & advice there about how to access personal counselling for yourself.
You have a lot of trauma to work through - believe me, you DESERVE to be given the skills you need to navigate a healthy & happy life without abusers in it.

Your current man is a walking red flag. He beeped the horn - why? - because he's angry. Men like this never improve. He's meant to be on his best behaviour. He barely knows your kids, but thinks he can shut you up by telling you he loves them? FFS!
(NB - he will view your raising of concerns as "nagging" btw. Don't hang around to see how he responds to that when his feet are truly under your table.)
He doesn't love them. How can he? He's only just met them.
But this is probably how "love" feels to you, because of your background.

Stop dating. Get yourself trained up, wised up, & supported by the resources linked above. In a year or so, you will feel so much stronger, & you will attract fewer abusive people into your life ... & be able to spot & repel the few that try to break through your Shark Cage.

Well done for spotting this one early on.
Throw him back, he's not for you or your kids. You are too good for him.

VanGoghsDog · 03/08/2021 12:53

@Whatname2021

BiscuitDrama - hoor
Jesus, that's disgusting.

My dad used to call my sister a whore. It's abusive. No two ways about it.

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 12:54

Thank you to you all for support and advice

OP posts:
HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 03/08/2021 12:54

He did this the first time he met your kids? That is a massive red flag. Not that he should ever do this anyway, but the fact he couldn't contain this on their very first meeting when he should be making an effort and trying hard? Wow.

sailmeaway · 03/08/2021 12:55

hell, no. Calling a little girl a hoor?? Does he call women bitches too?
You're first priority is your kids, their physical, emotional and mental well- being. That's not swearing or belittiling your kids

warmandtoasty2day · 03/08/2021 12:56

you have done the right thing op. he was a total waste of space, loves your dc five minutes after meeting them, calls them names, yes that is lovely behaviour. you love your dc? stay away from the shit, block and ignore.

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 12:57

no met first time in spring

OP posts:
Weirdlynormal · 03/08/2021 12:57

He is not a nice man.

Ourlady · 03/08/2021 12:58

Well done OP.
You protected your children from seeing any arguments and kept it calm until you could go home
He is not a nice man and you now recognise what he done was nasty.
Now just block him.

Lightbul · 03/08/2021 12:58

Dump him ASAP! He sounds like he has abusive tendencies if his first instinct was to aggressively call a small child a whore.
Don’t let him talk you round. Just block him.

sailmeaway · 03/08/2021 12:58

I'm Irish, I know what hoor means and I can't ever imagine a grown man calling a child that.

Willowtree999 · 03/08/2021 12:59

End it now, he will always have an excuse and a speech to get you to forgive it and he will get worse. Don't waste any more time on him.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/08/2021 12:59

OP I understand you're feeling awful and I don't want to make you feel worse: your boundaries are clearly all over the place and you did what you thought was right in the moment. There's no point verbally beating you up for this.

But you need to know that this behaviour is shockingly unacceptable. He shouldn't be calling an adult woman a "hoor". The idea that he would throw that kind of language at a child, and moreover one who is in in a position of semi authority with, is beyond disgusting.

Don't be hard on yourself now, but get some counselling to try to understand why you think you and your children don't deserve better than this. And above all don't ever contact this man or allow him to come near any of you again.

Monestera · 03/08/2021 13:03

Well done OP. You protected your children from seeing any arguments and kept it calm until you could go home

This.

user16395699 · 03/08/2021 13:03

Have you now explicitly said to the DC that what he did was wrong, it is not acceptable to behave that way, it was not their fault, they did not deserve it and you are very sorry it happened but will make sure it doesn't happen again?

Especially considering you brushed it off at the time, and the abusive history, they need to hear this from you.

FunMcCool · 03/08/2021 13:05

Break up with him, support your children. Remember the upset face of your DC. He caused that. He did. I couldn’t forgive that.

Dragongirl10 · 03/08/2021 13:06

You have done the right thing op,,,,well done..;earn from this and set the bar much higher for any future relationships.
I second taking time out to learn what is healthy in a relationship and what is abusive...

KateTheEighth · 03/08/2021 13:09

Run a fucking mile

He hasn't known your kids long - this is him on best behaviour

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/08/2021 13:10

Sorry this happened but you've done the right thing by not contacting him.

You've broken the cycle.

Be proud of yourself. (You're also allowed to be sad about the relationship ending.)

We're here if you want to keep talking.

waheythisoneisfree · 03/08/2021 13:10

i swear in real life but there’s a difference between swearing in front of a child and directing foul language at a child. He should be trying to make an impression at this stage but fortunately for you he’s revealed his true self. YANBU to walk away now.

user16395699 · 03/08/2021 13:10

@Monestera

Well done OP. You protected your children from seeing any arguments and kept it calm until you could go home

This.

That protection is only complete if op now speaks to them to be clear it was wrong, they didn't deserve it and she's sorry it happened to them. And that they won't be seeing him again.

Continuing to minimise or brush it under the carpet once they are in a safe environment is damaging. The original incident was targeted at the DC, they weren't protected from that, and they need appropriate follow-up care, explanations and support.

BertramLacey · 03/08/2021 13:15

What would be your thoughts? This is a one off but I have sensed difficulty/ strain for a while

It isn't a one-off. Your children currently have good instincts and know this man is trouble. Do not dampen their instincts. End it with him. It will only get worse. He's an angry man who called a child a whore. I don't have children but I know never to call my partner's child a whore and in fact the thought of doing so is absolutely horrible.

moresugarpls · 03/08/2021 13:15

This is shocking. Op don’t see him again.

Jerima · 03/08/2021 13:17

This is a spoilt man child who is resentful towards your children. You say it was a once off but you were aware of tensions rising, therefore it wasn't said on impulse, and even if it was it makes no difference because that's bad too. My other issue with it is the fact that he used a sexual reference and not "brat" or "Shit" or something which would also be unacceptable.

What you have there is an immature idiot who you should leave before his childish jealous abusive behaviour chips away at you and you and you're children are tippy toeing about trying to please him.

Tell him it's over

Tal45 · 03/08/2021 13:19

He can't cope with your children behaving like children, how is this ever going to work?

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