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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend foul language to dc

297 replies

Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 12:08

hi
Will keep brief. I am so mad and upset, feel like ending contact but would like your thoughts.

Boyfriend of 18months, recently introduced to do 7 and 5. Home after day out, kids had been little difficult in previous few days. Something happened that frightened dc as he wasn't expecting it, the act itself was not bad, just happened to frighten dc. Dc started to cry and came to me upset. Could see Boyfriend mouth Something in anger, but I didn't hear. My other dc then immediately said, Boyfriend called dc a whingey . I was absolutely floored, dc that it was about didn't hear what was said but looked at me with a Terrible upset face and asked what did Boyfriend call me? I was so angry and upset but didn't want to cause upset in front of dc.

Werr staying at Boyfriend house that evening, there was obvious tension but he didn't say anything or apologise. When kids in bed i brought it up and expressed my feelings, he said he was so sorry and it just came out, he is finding it challenging at times.

I cannot shake what feels like an attack on my dc and my instinct is to protect them. I feel like ending relationship.

What would be your thoughts? This is a one off but I have sensed difficulty/ strain for a while

OP posts:
SeaShoreGalore · 03/08/2021 13:20

*he beeped on purpose, I do not know why

He probably was angry that dc got out*

Right, so he did it deliberately to scare your child. It’s horrible being beeped at, so I’m not surprised your child was scared. So glad you’ve ended it with this guy, he was bad news.

jimmyjammy001 · 03/08/2021 13:20

He's obviously not cut out to be a step dad and doesn't know what it entails, there will just be future problems with your children in the relationship and his loosing his rag because of the problems that will come, I'd get tout now and find someone who is more understanding towards a family life

SeaShoreGalore · 03/08/2021 13:20

It’s interesting that at first you said ‘the act itself wasn’t bad’, when he beeped his horn deliberately to scare your child.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/08/2021 13:21

Wow, I thought it was going to be whingey little shit or something, bit where? Seriously? Who thinks to call a child a whole?!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/08/2021 13:21

Even my phone can't bring itself to type that word about a child!

Crinkle77 · 03/08/2021 13:23

Reminds me of when me and my sisters were younger and my mother would call us sluts. Her defence was that she was using it in the old fashioned sense of the word for someone who is untidy or messy. She knew exactly what the modern day definition was but still chose to call her children a vile name and would twist it to make us look like we were unreasonable when we challenged it. Still makes me cross now.

TheTallOakTrees · 03/08/2021 13:25

@Whatname2021

I'd call time on this relationship before he gets the chance to do further damage. You and your children are worth so much more.

Good luck.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/08/2021 13:25

So it sounds as if 'whore/hoor' can have 2 meanings where you live. But either way it's not an appropriate thing to call a child. Add to that the fact that he (from what I can tell) did not apologize directly to the child and explain that no one should call anyone 'names'. The lack of an apology alone would be enough to make me dump him.

It also bothers me that he apparently thought appropriate to beep the horn with the intention of startling the child, either to be 'funny' or to 'prove a point' about the child getting out of the car (unless the child was in imminent danger). I hate that kind of shit. 'Jokes' like that aren't funny and neither is startling someone as 'punishment'. Reason number two to dump him.

It's also an indicator of a lack of patience, something one has to have in spades in dealing with children! And I don't buy inexperience with children as an excuse. I'd say that 99% of people have been around children enough or even seen enough TV shows/movies to know one doesn't call a child a name or try to scare them as a joke.

dottiedodah · 03/08/2021 13:25

Is he very young OP, or just silly and immature? Either way I would be cutting some distance between you both .This is a horrible incident and will only get worse in time Im afraid.Do you honestly want to back on here in a few months /couple of years upset because he hit your DC? Pleas take cover now and leave!

newnortherner111 · 03/08/2021 13:25

Whatever his other qualities, if he cannot manage to be with your DC then however painful it is, time to end the relationship.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 03/08/2021 13:26

It’s frightening that you need to ask for a second opinion on this. Sorry but you clearly don’t have the judgement needed to be able to date as a parent. Get this monster out of your children’s lives before he does any more damage and please, please for their sakes get some intensive therapy before you even think of bringing anyone else into their little lives. It’s heartbreaking to read this.

MerryMarigold · 03/08/2021 13:28

Well done, OP, especially since you come from an abusive background yourself. You are not going to let that happen to your kids! He sounds like he could have been quite damaging to your kids in the long run so it's great you haven't seen him and hopefully never will. As a PP mentioned, addressing it with the kids would be great, explaining why he is out of your life now and showing them this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and has consequences. It will help them to never allow it in their lives. You are a great Mum to have done this.

lubeybooby · 03/08/2021 13:29

if you need other people to tell you to prioritise your children then something is very wrong

they especially come well before a shit example of manhood like your bf

give yourself a good shake

starskey80 · 03/08/2021 13:34

What's disturbing me is that you totally minimised the angry beeping of the horn at a very young child, to scare her obviously.

This says a lot. You do not have the appropriate boundaries to protect your children. Stay away from men and focus on them. They have no choice who you bring into their world.

Dontknownow86 · 03/08/2021 13:34

I'm a step mum and I found it extremely challenging to start with but I did not and never would call my step daughters names. It is hard but if he is feeling frustrated he should be taking himself somewhere quiet to de-escalate and if he can't see that, especially when the relationship is new and vulnerable it is worrying.

Bex268 · 03/08/2021 13:36

I would have packed up my things and left immediately. I can’t believe a mum won’t even consider staying with condone who calls their child.

TooMuchPaper · 03/08/2021 13:37

I'd get tout now and find someone who is more understanding towards a family life

Do a lot of work on yourself before getting into another relationship. Don't try to find anyone else until you have established clear boundaries for yourself.
Your children can't become the collateral damage in a series of abusive relationships.

Killahangilion · 03/08/2021 13:37

Dial it down a notch with your outrage people.

Let’s get this straight, in my part of Ireland, if you called someone a Hoor, you’re very unlikely to be comparing them to a Prostitute!

It’s ordinary banter/fairly common parlance.

A hoor is a term for someone annoying or dodgy, both male and female.

I don’t use the word myself but my best pal uses it an awful lot when complaining about other people.

Everyone who annoys her is a ‘Feckin’ Hoor’ or ‘Divil hoor’ and she openly says this in front of her 4yr old. In all other aspects she’s a normal mum and farmer’s wife, so whilst you might roll your eyes sometimes when she gets going, it’s not a big deal.

Obviously only the OP knows her boyfriend and what he’s like in real life, but if he talks like my friend does, that doesn’t necessarily indicate he’s particularly aggressive.

Presumably you laugh at episodes of Father Ted with Mrs Doyle with her g’wan, g’wan and what about the arguing couple trying to kill each other? Where do you think the writer got his inspiration for them from?

LuxOlente · 03/08/2021 13:38

Do not bring "boyfriends" into your children's home. Just don't. Don't let them meet these men. They come into their homes, they dislike them, they abuse them.

Dating is for you. Do whatever. But protect them from it and don't bring strange, sweary, sexist, horn-beeping men into their life.

Needapoodle · 03/08/2021 13:38

What a nasty little dick of a man. Anyone who called my children that would never see them, or me again.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/08/2021 13:40

That needs to be the end OP. Absolutely not acceptable and really shocking.

Put your kids first, show THEM you're putting the first and that it's not acceptable behavior.

Text him that it's over and he is not to contact you again.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 03/08/2021 13:42

It’s good that you are no longer there. Also you recognised it’s a problem and posted here. I also recommend the ‘why does he do that’ book.

The fact he mouthed the words shows he knows it was wrong and he was doing it deliberately in a sly way. He is no doubt the type to subtlety nip or hurt a child by squashing their foot or hand slyly and sneakily so no-one can see and they can be told off when they shout out about it.

I would not contact him at all. If he contacts you I would send a text stating ‘do not contact or come near us ever again’ so the message is very clear. If he then contacts you again I would call the police. Personally I wouldn’t block him as I would want to know if he is trying to contact you so you can protect yourselves if he escalates.

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 13:42

Can I just get this clear, there is no men. I have dated one man since my marriage, this man who I have known for years and did not have him meet my children immediately. He has also never stayed in my home

OP posts:
LalalalalalaLand123 · 03/08/2021 13:42

I don't get what Mrs Doyle offering tea saying g'wan has to do with an angry horn-beeping man cursing AT (not just in front of) a small child?

SunshineCake · 03/08/2021 13:43

There's no way he loves them already. If this was me he'd be gone. No way would up I stay with someone who abused my kids like that.