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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend foul language to dc

297 replies

Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 12:08

hi
Will keep brief. I am so mad and upset, feel like ending contact but would like your thoughts.

Boyfriend of 18months, recently introduced to do 7 and 5. Home after day out, kids had been little difficult in previous few days. Something happened that frightened dc as he wasn't expecting it, the act itself was not bad, just happened to frighten dc. Dc started to cry and came to me upset. Could see Boyfriend mouth Something in anger, but I didn't hear. My other dc then immediately said, Boyfriend called dc a whingey . I was absolutely floored, dc that it was about didn't hear what was said but looked at me with a Terrible upset face and asked what did Boyfriend call me? I was so angry and upset but didn't want to cause upset in front of dc.

Werr staying at Boyfriend house that evening, there was obvious tension but he didn't say anything or apologise. When kids in bed i brought it up and expressed my feelings, he said he was so sorry and it just came out, he is finding it challenging at times.

I cannot shake what feels like an attack on my dc and my instinct is to protect them. I feel like ending relationship.

What would be your thoughts? This is a one off but I have sensed difficulty/ strain for a while

OP posts:
HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 03/08/2021 12:29

So OP what did you do this morning... Have you left?

If you had an abusive childhood followed by an abusive marriage and divorce you are vulnerable to being taken advantage of by other abusive men. Have you done the freedom program? I would recommend you have some time being single, develop yourself and get strong barriers and boundaries.

Kanaloa · 03/08/2021 12:30

He can’t even be nice to them when he’s only known them an incredibly short time. Do you think he’ll get better and nicer when he’s settled and comfortable?

It’s worrying that you even stayed, I would have packed my kids up and left that instant, he’s showing he’s bad tempered and nasty, and there’s no use saying he ‘loves them’ if he can’t even cope with very young children being annoying. It’s just lip service. Get rid, pronto.

takealettermsjones · 03/08/2021 12:30

There is literally nobody I know who would respond to accidentally scaring a child with anything other than "oops I'm sorry, are you ok?"

This man is a weirdo.

I'm also Hmm at why you would minimise it at the time (because you didn't want to cause further upset) and then calmly bring up your 'feelings' about the situation later. Your child was already upset that they'd been called a bad name. I'd argue that you probably upset them further by not doing anything about it.

ArthurApples · 03/08/2021 12:30

Example sentence, calling your young child a whingeing whore. Protect your kids, don't let them see him again. By staying with him you're making what he's done ok, showing them its ok what he did, providing more opportunities for him to verbally abuse them. Parent them, finish with him.

Bananalanacake · 03/08/2021 12:31

Thanks God you don't live together.

Zhampagne · 03/08/2021 12:31

Dump him right now and get your children away from him.

FogHornInTheAttic · 03/08/2021 12:31

He called your child a whore? Get rid

DeathStare · 03/08/2021 12:31

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you who he is. Ignore the words of apology, they are meaningless. He is someone who would verbally abuse a small child. Your children are reliant on you to protect them from this.

Incidentally, what was the incident with the horn? I'll bet good money it involved anger/temper/rage by your boyfriend and that he wasnt beeping and waving as he drove past a friend.

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 12:31

mbosnz, yes he said he has never done this before, he doesn't have dc, that he had a moment where he blurted something out without any thought

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 03/08/2021 12:32

@Whatname2021

MorrisZapp yes I did have an abusive childhood. Also, when I ended my marriage he became v verbally abusive and in front of dc, so this has really cut.

They are challenging bundles of energy, the type that don't stop from 6.30/7am to 9pm, but I would never call them a name.

He said he got it totally wrong, apologisedz said he loves them and me

Erm ... he only apologised because you brought his behaviour up later that evening. He didn't do it off his own bat - which shows you that he doesn't genuinely feel he's done anything wrong.

Your kids have been through this already with your ex - so have you.
Ditch the moody fucker. It won't get any better, & his apology is worthless. He's shown all of you who he really is.

Unanananana · 03/08/2021 12:32

@Whatname2021

mbosnz, yes he said he has never done this before, he doesn't have dc, that he had a moment where he blurted something out without any thought
You are justifying him abusing your children. Once is too many times.
3WildOnes · 03/08/2021 12:33

I would not look back for a second. No way would I want someone like that near my dc. I also wouldn’t date again until I had had some extensive therapy. You shouldn’t have to ask, this is a massive red flag!

Whirlywooo · 03/08/2021 12:33

'Only recently introduced' to your DC, so he should be building bonds with them, letting them know he's nice, can be trusted etc and he calls one DC 'a whingy whore'?? Regardless of what it means, he verbally abused your DC - get rid. Just block him. I wouldn't even bother with an explanation. Protect your children.

Viviennemary · 03/08/2021 12:33

I think its a huge fuss about nothing. He didnt even say it outloud or meant your dc to hear. You haven't even said what he did say.

Taliskerskye · 03/08/2021 12:33

Why have you even come to ask opinions.
Everyone thinks it’s awful.

Kids can be annoying. He scared your child (accidentally…) then got angry with your child for their reaction. It doesn’t really matter what he said. This is his interaction with a child being shocked by an action of his…
What’s wrong with you! Why can’t you see that.

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 12:34

dc was in car, got out to be with me, dc standing at front of car and he beeped on purpose, I do not know why

He probably was angry that dc got out

OP posts:
Ckzoaa · 03/08/2021 12:34

@DeathStare

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you who he is. Ignore the words of apology, they are meaningless. He is someone who would verbally abuse a small child. Your children are reliant on you to protect them from this.

Incidentally, what was the incident with the horn? I'll bet good money it involved anger/temper/rage by your boyfriend and that he wasnt beeping and waving as he drove past a friend.

100% agree with all of this! I would never stay with a man after he'd called my child a whore I'm sorry but that's not acceptable and he's clearly not sorry so it will happen again!
GladAllOver · 03/08/2021 12:34

Abusive childhood
Abusive husband
Don't put up with abusive boyfriend.
Your children don't deserve it.
Leave now.

Moonface123 · 03/08/2021 12:35

A lot of men are not biologically wired to raise other people's kids.
This behaviour was sneaky and cowardly and abusive. l have intentionally stayed on my own whist raising my two sons because l haven't met a man yet who hasn't made some snidey remark ( whilst not even met them) or who wants to be in competition with them.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 03/08/2021 12:35

My Irish grandmother used to call me a trollop if my behaviour wasn't perfect... As a child I'd didn't mind but as an adult looking back I can't believe nobody told her not too.

Kanaloa · 03/08/2021 12:35

Well clearly your plan is to justify and minimise. Hopefully you can save all his excuses for your kids when they’re older and ask why their mother accepted this treatment for them. It’s very selfish to put your need to be with an aggressive man above their need for a calm and happy family home.

Taliskerskye · 03/08/2021 12:35

I mean it gets worse OP

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 12:36

please don't attack me. My children are my world, I would lay down my life for them. In that moment, I was trying to diffuse a situation, no access to transport in a rural area

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 03/08/2021 12:36

He says he’s sorry, but what has he done about it? Is he suggesting that he needs to learn about parenting skills and agree that any discipline will come from you and he’ll simply back you up and repeat your rules with the children? Has any similar incident happened before that you’ve minimised but now shows a repeat or even escalation of this behaviour?

I’m with other people, get away from him and focus on showing your children what healthy personal boundaries about how people treat them should look like.

DeathStare · 03/08/2021 12:36

@Whatname2021

mbosnz, yes he said he has never done this before, he doesn't have dc, that he had a moment where he blurted something out without any thought
Stop making excuses for him. I've been angry at my kids many many times and have never called them anything like that. I bet you haven't either. This is a man who is abusive. Abusive men ALWAYS say it's a momentary lapse in a difficult moment. That's irrelevant, it's still abusive.

Stop excusing him. He doesn't need your support, your kids do. Protect them.

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