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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend foul language to dc

297 replies

Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 12:08

hi
Will keep brief. I am so mad and upset, feel like ending contact but would like your thoughts.

Boyfriend of 18months, recently introduced to do 7 and 5. Home after day out, kids had been little difficult in previous few days. Something happened that frightened dc as he wasn't expecting it, the act itself was not bad, just happened to frighten dc. Dc started to cry and came to me upset. Could see Boyfriend mouth Something in anger, but I didn't hear. My other dc then immediately said, Boyfriend called dc a whingey . I was absolutely floored, dc that it was about didn't hear what was said but looked at me with a Terrible upset face and asked what did Boyfriend call me? I was so angry and upset but didn't want to cause upset in front of dc.

Werr staying at Boyfriend house that evening, there was obvious tension but he didn't say anything or apologise. When kids in bed i brought it up and expressed my feelings, he said he was so sorry and it just came out, he is finding it challenging at times.

I cannot shake what feels like an attack on my dc and my instinct is to protect them. I feel like ending relationship.

What would be your thoughts? This is a one off but I have sensed difficulty/ strain for a while

OP posts:
Ckzoaa · 03/08/2021 12:37

@Whatname2021

please don't attack me. My children are my world, I would lay down my life for them. In that moment, I was trying to diffuse a situation, no access to transport in a rural area
Are you gone now and what has happened since? Have you told him to do one?
Taliskerskye · 03/08/2021 12:37

He sounds like he’s straight out of the young offenders without the funny bits if I’m honest.

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 12:37

kanaloa, I am not putting my needs first. I'm here to talk to others as I have nobody in real life. I left as soon as I could, have not been back or spoken to him since

OP posts:
Ckzoaa · 03/08/2021 12:37

*Home not gone

Original poster
Whatname2021 · 03/08/2021 12:41

I am home since yesterday morning, no contact since

OP posts:
floatingon · 03/08/2021 12:41

I understand it must be difficult for you given your past history with relationships. But please leave him, he is behaving appallingly

Kanaloa · 03/08/2021 12:42

I see, I was under the impression you were considering whether or not to continue with this man - apologies. Hopefully in the future you can find someone new, if I was you I’d consider the freedom programme first so you can learn to spot red flags and feel confident in what behaviour to accept.

pinkcircustop · 03/08/2021 12:42

YANBU. You should have ended things there and then and left.

Nobody should speak about your kids like that.

Unanananana · 03/08/2021 12:42

@Whatname2021

I am home since yesterday morning, no contact since
Thats the first/only sensible thing you did. Keep it that way for the sake of your children.
DeathStare · 03/08/2021 12:42

@Whatname2021

dc was in car, got out to be with me, dc standing at front of car and he beeped on purpose, I do not know why

He probably was angry that dc got out

So your boyfriend - in anger that a small child had got out of the car to be with their mum - before the horn to frighten the small child and you describe that as the act itself was not bad

Step up. Start protecting your kids and not your boyfriend. You say they're your world. If you stat with him that's simply not true and you are loudly telling them through your actions that he means more to you than they do.

SausagePourHomme · 03/08/2021 12:43

His mask slipped. He showed you who he is.

DeathStare · 03/08/2021 12:43

*beeped. Not "before"

EdgeOfACoin · 03/08/2021 12:43

My other dc then immediately said, Boyfriend called dc a whingey . I was absolutely floored, dc that it was about didn't hear what was said but looked at me with a Terrible upset face and asked what did Boyfriend call me?*

How can you stay with this man? What message are you sending to your children?

Zhampagne · 03/08/2021 12:44

@Whatname2021

I am home since yesterday morning, no contact since
Well there you go. You’ve done the hard bit. One final message telling him not to contact you again and then block.
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 03/08/2021 12:44

I recognise the cycle of bad relationships, as I’ve been through it, and sadly dragged my older children through it. I eventually got support from women’s aid, and then extensive counselling. I’m now happily single, and would never again do that to my dc. Even if you decide not to leave him (and I definitely think you should) then go back to only seeing him without the dc there. And look into some counselling to break the cycle. Flowers

mbosnz · 03/08/2021 12:44

It may have been a one-off, but you simply cannot take that risk.

Dizzy1234 · 03/08/2021 12:45

He's not sorry he said it, he's sorry he got caught.
Dump him, your child heard what he said, you're sending them the wrong message by staying with some that calls them names

Monestera · 03/08/2021 12:46

I think we could trust OP's instincts that she got herself and her kids out of there in the safest way possible. Surviving does not always mean fighting.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 03/08/2021 12:47

Good god OP I can't even believe you need to ask this question! Yes, if a dickhead of a boyfriend is abusive to your small children, you get far away from that dickhead, get your children away, and never contact him again! I can't believe he said that. Protect your children OP, you're their mum!

MorrisZapp · 03/08/2021 12:48

The beeping a five year old would be a dumping offence on its own. Then instead of being frantic that he'd frightened them, he was arsey. The exact words he used are irrelevant. He's proved he doesn't like your kids and can't be bothered putting their needs even slightly ahead of his own.

GladAllOver · 03/08/2021 12:48

I think some posters have been a bit hard on the OP. It's not always possible to make the right decision instantly when in a state of shock.

She's done the right thing now. Well done!

takealettermsjones · 03/08/2021 12:49

OP, I realise it feels like being attacked, but people are being brutally honest to try to smack sense into you because they don't want you to make similar mistakes that they did. I hope you can see that.

@Viviennemary RTFT.

Freddiefox · 03/08/2021 12:50

@Whatname2021

dc was in car, got out to be with me, dc standing at front of car and he beeped on purpose, I do not know why

He probably was angry that dc got out

This is awful op, no one likes being beeped whether they are 7 or 70.

I understand the need to try to keep things light and breezy last night. It’s great that you’re home. No resolve yourself to not have any further contact with him.

NowEvenBetter · 03/08/2021 12:52

Best to keep your kids entirely separate from any future boyfriends, they’ve been through enough by the sound of it.

billy1966 · 03/08/2021 12:52

OP,

I can understand in the moment you didn't want to try and get the children home if you were in a rural setting.

Now you are home and have time to reflect I think you know it is not in your chilbest interests to be around this man.

You had an abusive childhood and marriage and you clearly do NOT want that for your children.

Do not see him again.

Be honest with your children.

He did not speak kindly to son and I don't want to see him again.

It really is that simple.

Flowers