Pregnancy *can* really destroy your body

[ImFallingApartAt27]

AIBU to say that it does?!

I'm 27 weeks pregnant at the moment but even before this baby I was pretty much falling apart after my last.

I have a prolapse, diastasis recti, an umbilical hernia, SPD and It's evil cousin sacroiliac joint dysfunction. I'm virtually house bound %80 of the time as I'm in so much pain when I walk and can't do bugger all.

I also have treatment resistant chronic TMD that only came about immediately after the traumatic birth of my last.

I need multiple operations to get back to remote normality in some areas and none of those will happen anytime soon.

I'm already having physio. Not helping.

Before having children I had none of these problems and now I feel completely disabled. I'm only 27.

Can anybody else relate?

Please tell me I'm not alone. I feel bloody depressed.

My first wrecked my body and I felt like the second wouldn’t make it worst.

That's what I told myself too when i discovered I was pregnant this time, I thought "well it can't possibly get any worse now can it?" and it bloody has

I have told DH that we simply must throw whatever spare money we can at me getting better once the baby is born. I can't live like this.

Luckily the SPD got %90 better after I gave birth last time but I've read that the sacroliliac (?) joint dysfunction probably won't go away post birth by itself. Every step feels like somebody is hitting me in the backside with an axe.

I agree.

I've noticed there's a real trend towards pretending that the female body isn't affected at all by birth and pregnancy. If anyone mentions the idea that the vagina might be different after a vaginal birth (i.e. less 'tight') there are loads of angry responses saying that it's elastic and birth doesn't change how much muscle strength you have in that area and that saying it does is shaming women.

When you try and have a discussion about vaginal versus c-section you're told about the risks of the latter but none of the risks of the former. Vaginal birth is painted as this natural, normal process that you'll bounce back from far more quickly compared to 'major abdominal surgery with a horrendous recovery period'. Nobody talks about how you can have a horrendous recovery from a vaginal birth, not 'bounce back' for many months, be left with permanent injuries. Nobody is claiming a c-section is a walk in the park, but there is no risk-free way to birth and women should be given information about the pros and cons of both.

Pregnancy left me pretty much unscathed, but birth itself is a whole other story. I've spoken before on here about how having a vaginal birth is one of the only major regrets I have in my life, and I really, really wish I'd followed my instincts and decided to have a c-section instead. I've been left with permanent injury that means I can't use the bathroom the same ever again, physio helped a little but there's nothing more that can be done. In order to have a bowel movement I have to digitally support the wall between my vagina/rectum or the stool will just push the wall through and out of the entrance of my vagina instead. The damage is from having DS's beautiful head stuck in my vaginal canal for so long which completely stretched everything out irreparably. It's a real confidence boost to have to consider before intimacy whether or not DH is going to be able to feel faeces in my rectum if he does anything internal to me.

I have no beef with the NHS over this btw, birth is a risky, dangerous and brutal process, and I made my choice to try for a vaginal birth and it ended up like this, a certain percentage of all women will end up with injuries from pregnancy or birth despite all of the medical care in the world. I don't think it does anyone any favours to pretend 'it's a natural process, your body is built for this, trust in yourself' when in reality women can and sadly do die from childbirth.

I had sepsis in labour

I'm so sorry. I did too. This was another reason I was adamant I didn't want another, I was traumatised from that experience and struggled to live with the fact I could have died for a long time after.

@PigeonPink

I’ve also been permanently damaged by pregnancy. It makes me so angry because people keep saying I’ve sacrificed my body for my baby, so apparently that makes it ok. Well other people get to have a lovely baby and still have a normal body! I don’t think that’s an unrealistic expectation. It makes me angry to see other mums going about their lives with their normal bodies when mine has been destroyed. It’s not fair, why has this happened to me and not them? To make it worse the NHS won’t fix my issues so I’ll have to save up for private surgery. Honestly at one point I intended to commit suicide because I was so angry, I refused to live in this ruined body and I saw death as my only escape. Anyway I’ve managed to learn to cope even though I’m still desperately unhappy. But I totally know how you feel.

I think this is a really awful post @PigeonPink. I'm sorry you have problems but its not about other women that you think are not affected. It's like you want them to also have lots of issues too You're basing your thoughts on external looks because you'd never know looking at me that I have piles and leak urine. You're anger is misplaced. You need to go back to your GP and push for help via the NHS. You need to tell them how you feel and how your issues are affecting you. I hope you get your issues sorted out.

To me it seems like there is still such a difficult culture/ideas around childbirth.....

I had such an horrible experience with doctors because of being overdue. I have written before here how I had to sign a form that I was leaving against medical advice eveb though we were super healthy and well. I have even been basically sexually assaulted by one of the doctors!

I have had to have surgery to fix episiotomy issues after my previous child and doing it again this Saturday (wish me luck!). You know what my mum's comment was?! That sex was sometimes painful and that it was ok WTF???!!!! I feel like my scar is starting to rip

There needs to be more compassion and understanding with pregnancy from everyone including doctors! STAT!

I don't have any birth injuries but my health has been poor since DC was born and I've had a succession of things - kidney stones, gallstones, back pain - that I never had pre-pregnancy. I actually terminated an unplanned second pregnancy recently because I don't feel my health is up to it and I was worried about the impact on DD. Already in the first few weeks I had spent several days in bed due to being unwell as it exacerbated several of the issues. It just wasn't worth the risk for me, so I fully sympathise with you, OP, and how hard you must be finding it. It's a bloody brave thing to go ahead with after your first experience.

Huge sympathies. To all the people telling you to whip out that magical time machine, do one.

I also wish to god I had insisted on a CS for DS1. I had back problems anyway, and have a twisted pelvis. But they said 'let's start you off as a vaginal birth and see how far you get'. well how far I got was that he got stuck and a cS was too late. he had to be rescuscitated and has corresponding cognitive outcomes. I ended up with a cracked pelvis as well as a load of toehr things. (I recall my midwife half way though my very long labour commenting to a colleague i was 'making heavy weather' of it. )

I think the obsession with 'natural deliveries' does some women and some babies a massive disservice.

@grey12

I'm so sorry you were assaulted, and I hope you reported it to the police.

This, however, I don't see an issue with:

"I had such an horrible experience with doctors because of being overdue. I have written before here how I had to sign a form that I was leaving against medical advice eveb though we were super healthy and well."

They have to make sure it's documented that you're leaving against medical advice, in case something happens to you or your baby. The longer you go overdue the higher the risks are and being super healthy and well in the moment where they assessed you doesn't eliminate those risks, a lot can change very quickly. There are many cases where women have declined induction when they're a couple of weeks overdue and their babies have died. It's difficult as I've noticed there's a lot of pressure online in parenting groups to refuse induction and 'baby will come when they're ready, they can't force you against your will, stand strong and trust your body'. You may choose to do that for your own reasons but doctors have to document that you're declining medical advice because there are so many people who would turn around in their grief, claim they weren't told they shouldn't discharge themselves, and sue.

www.nice.org.uk/news/article/nice-recommends-inducing-women-in-labour-earlier-in-new-draft-guidance

No advice OP just sympathy. I remember reading similar threads when I was TTC DD and wondering why they don't discuss this in high schools so that young women have realistic understanding of pregnancy and childbirth /post partum changes.

I was lucky with DD but have two close friends who weren't and it's awful to see their lifelong damage with no prospect of help from NHS and no ability to afford private - not enough awareness and not enough weight given to post partum care.

I think this is a really awful post @PigeonPink. I'm sorry you have problems but its not about other women that you think are not affected. It's like you want them to also have lots of issues too
No it’s not that I want others to have issues. I’m just angry because I’ve got the shitty end of the stick yet again. I’m the one who has injuries while others are fine. It’s not fair.

It isn't fair @PigeonPink and you have every right to feel angry. It's a normal emotion when you're going through so much suffering while there are others who are able to give birth and go through pregnancy and come out of it the other side unscathed. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If the anger is impacting on your life and happiness then you can seek help for that, but the emotion itself is not a surprising or unusual reaction.

Some of us maybe can’t understand why an Earth someone would do something so stupid as have a second child when the first child fucked up their body.

For much more pertinent reasons than those which drive you to be so ignorant and spiteful on such a sensitive post, I assure you.

I have loads of empathy for people who deserve it but it’s like someone going on a all night binge and complaining the next day they have been sick & blacked out. Well what did you expect. It’s self inflicted.

Don't be so fucking stupid.

I agree that the comments about why op is having another are not constructive.

I do think, as many others have said, that the risks need to be much more widely publicised and the "lesser" (and I use the word advisedly) side effects discussed much more openly as part of a wider move away from the assumptions about women and having kids.

There would absolutely be much better care if it were men experiencing these things but until we can achieve medical equality all women can do is be open and honest and not sugar coat things.

This thread is awful. Both the injuries women are expected to deal with and the attitude to OP for having a second baby. Awful.

I've been very lucky, no real after affects from my two DC aside from my abdomen being completely destroyed from an aesthetic point of view (diastasis recti, huge overhang, stretchmarks to the extent I didn't actually know could happen). I still get a bit bitter about how the last few years (DC are 3 and 1) have affected me physically compared to DH though.

I have a friend who's had a terrible time, largely due to SPD and prolapse. Before her first she was fit and healthy, post prolapse she drove to lunch because it was a ten minute walk away and she wouldn't have been able to walk there and back in the one day. She's had a lot of progress with a private women's physio, but it's awful the damage that has been done. TBH even though I was on here before TTC I didn't really know the full risks I was taking on when I got pregnant.

Agreed OP. I am sticking with one as I don't feel like my body can handle another pregnancy. I still have continence issues after an obstetric anal sphincter injury, no amount of kegels or physio can return your butthole to normal once it's been ripped open.

@PigeonPink

I think this is a really awful post @PigeonPink. I'm sorry you have problems but its not about other women that you think are not affected. It's like you want them to also have lots of issues too No it’s not that I want others to have issues. I’m just angry because I’ve got the shitty end of the stick yet again. I’m the one who has injuries while others are fine. It’s not fair.

I do know that you mean like that. I have a few things and think "why me?" I guess the best thing is to talk about it to trusted friends or anonymous forums like this so we can see what we are going through is normal and not the exception but more than likely, the rule.

Deffo go back to your gp, they really shouldn't be palming you off and if they do then ask for a new one! Don't take no for an answer. They wouldn't ignore a man!

@PigeonPink

I think this is a really awful post @PigeonPink. I'm sorry you have problems but its not about other women that you think are not affected. It's like you want them to also have lots of issues too No it’s not that I want others to have issues. I’m just angry because I’ve got the shitty end of the stick yet again. I’m the one who has injuries while others are fine. It’s not fair.

Life’s not fair though.

We all get dealt a shit stick at some point in our life.

Pregnancy and birth take a huge toll on a woman's body
Well then here’s a question. How come celebrities always bounce back with perfect bodies? No stretch marks, no disabilities that prevent them doing action movies, nothing. Are the rest of us just not getting the good quality medical care that would enable us to bounce back in the same way?

@PigeonPink

Pregnancy and birth take a huge toll on a woman's body Well then here’s a question. How come celebrities always bounce back with perfect bodies? No stretch marks, no disabilities that prevent them doing action movies, nothing. Are the rest of us just not getting the good quality medical care that would enable us to bounce back in the same way?

Money.

Hardly ignorant. I just don’t agree with feeling sorry for someone doing something that they knew had already wrecked their body once and then wanting everyone to say ‘oh no poor you

So are you saying when OP accidentally got pregnant for a second time she should have just gone through with a termination? I hope to god nothing along these lines ever happens to any close female relatives of yours. Bet you'd be fantastic support for them wouldn't you