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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About MILs holiday home

442 replies

strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 20:35

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

OP posts:
Muchasgracias · 02/08/2021 21:33

Didn’t your DH tell her that you really needed family time and that you’d all be out doing water sports? In which case, if she’s lonely, why does she think turning up will help if you’re all out doing family activities together?! She has made a very bad judgement call here.

I’d personally crack on with all the family stuff SHE KNEW you were planning and let her sit on her own in the house and think about what a silly decision she made.

EmJay19 · 02/08/2021 21:34

Ooh I feel your pain

TalkingOutYerArse · 02/08/2021 21:34

YANBU!

HelloDulling · 02/08/2021 21:35

If she’s still there, she’s not going anywhere this evening. She has your bed, you and DH on the sofa. You can go hone tomorrow if you like.

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2021 21:37

If she’s still there then go home tomorrow and don’t stay there again. Don’t know why you take her hospitality anyway when you know what she’s like

cadburyegg · 02/08/2021 21:37

She is daft and manipulative and clearly didn’t think it through because there is nowhere for her to sleep.

I would tell her she has to sleep in the lounge as the rooms are all taken. Then carry on with your holiday, do watersports with the kids. I’ll agree she will feel like a spare part and realise she’s been silly.

Then when you are home, set some boundaries.

I’m a single mum and I hope I don’t do this to my children and their families in the future! She needs her own life!

TheNewBlack · 02/08/2021 21:38

My in laws did exactly this. Offered us the opportunity to stay in their holiday apartment for a week when we couldn’t afford to go away ourselves and had gone through a particularly tough time. I had a feeling about it though…just knew they would turn up at some point and want to stay with us. My DP thought I was being cynical and persuaded me to go. 24 hours later there they were.

If an offer seems too good to be true, it probably is!

I would definitely rethink the plans for half term. You can’t set boundaries when it’s her property unfortunately…

30degreesandmeltinghere · 02/08/2021 21:38

On the plus side mil has scope to financially support herself via her rentals. Back way op. She will drain the life out of you and your marriage...

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 02/08/2021 21:41

OP how about you and DH go home, and leave MIL to look after the kids for the week? Hopefully she'll then realise that she doesn't want to get lumbered with 4 teenagers, and will reconsider and go home, and if not, then at least you and DH can have some 'couple time' at home or maybe find somewhere else to stay for a few days without kids to worry about.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 21:41

Poor lady, to feel unwanted by her own son. Yes her dropping in all the time is an issue, yes she should not have just joined you, but do you really want to hurt her like this?

For fuck's sake. My eyes rolled so hard I think they're stuck. 🙄

Panickingpavlova · 02/08/2021 21:41

Marlene, on this occasion Mil was asked if it was OK that the dc friends go as well and she said yes.

She's now turned that on them for not confirming it with her.
They didn't need too.
So on this occasion Mil wasn't part of the deal at all

Lochroy · 02/08/2021 21:41

Ah, we had this one year. MIL's holiday home overseas. All agreed so we booked our flights to have a slight overlap but also some time alone. Didn't know she hadn't yet booked her flights and then booked to arrive before us and leave after us.

Doesn't matter how much you get on with someone or how grateful you are, you need your own time and people shouldn't make kind offers conditional.

In your shoes, I'd be going home too for the peace and quiet.

Separately,it sounds like you need to work on her attitude to why DH can't be disturbed but you can.

Caterinasballerinas · 02/08/2021 21:42

I’m waiting on the updates on this one to see how it pans out. If your relationship is otherwise ok and so you aren’t spoiling for an out and out falling out over this you’ve got a tricky balance to strike in reclaiming your holiday and not causing a family rift. I’d go along the lines of, you were angry at DS and friend being shooed out of their room as it was embarrassing that you had invited friend on a holiday. You had also explicitly said you would be doing water sports and by her arriving as a surprise you’d be made to look rude if you carried on with these plans as you know she doesn’t want to join in and just generally, as you are sure she can empathise with, it just threw you all. You don’t want to throw her out, nor want her to leave in a huff but for the week it’s just not viable to have her there. You really want time as a family to have stories to go back and tell her. Then hopefully she will leave tomorrow and you’ll part on good terms.

Panickingpavlova · 02/08/2021 21:44

Yes just smile, say your all sorry for the shock but you all were on different pages...

Does she want to go home or would she like you all to go home.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2021 21:45

You and DH book a nearby B&B for yourselves and let Grandma skivvy for the kids. You get to lie in in the mornings, show up for the day's activities, then skedaddle off for a good night's sleep at bedtime.

(I'm only half kidding)

Panickingpavlova · 02/08/2021 21:45
  • or would she like to spend some time with you in a tent whilst dh and the dc enjoy the holiday home 🤣
Keeva2017 · 02/08/2021 21:45

@Aquamarine1029 mine too. The refusal to let people manipulate me, even if overall they aren’t bad people, doesn’t make me a bad person.

There are shades of grey here when you can still care about family but not doormat your needs for theirs.

Twillow · 02/08/2021 21:45

I wouldn't be annoyed with her -well, I would understandably as she sounds like a nightmare!), but try and front it out it like a genuine misunderstanding "oh my gosh, how lovely of you to surprise us, I'm so sorry we hadn't made it clear the house would be full! Let's sort you out in X room tonight and you can set off tomorrow after a rest".

toocold54 · 02/08/2021 21:47

YANBU to send MIL home though.

It’s MILs home though! She could easily tell them all to leave!

How much are you paying for it?

This is so difficult as she has probably planned this but it is her house so you can’t kick her out.

I would offer to find and pay for a cheap B&B for her as a compromise and say you don’t want the boys in the living room and you don’t want to be confined to your bedroom.
If it was me then this would be the last time I visit there.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 02/08/2021 21:48

Seems like mil thinks she has 3 homes tbh.

ChargingBuck · 02/08/2021 21:50

@Feelingoktoday

She sounds lonely. You can’t make your husband choose between his mum and you that is a terrible thing to do. It sounds like she likes you and wants to chat when she pops round for a cup of tea.

I get on with my partners mum and quite happy to have a week with her. Same as I would if my mum was alive.

Gordon Bennett. OP hasn't asked her DH to choose, & the fact that you enjoy your MiL's company is totally beside the point.

This MiL "pops round for a cup of tea" when the OP is working, & blithely announces that she wouldn't want to disturb her son, but is perfectly happy to disturb OP.

frumpety · 02/08/2021 21:51

What a nightmare !

Spotsandstars · 02/08/2021 21:51

I also would never be taking her up on this kind offer again! No way would I go at half term, it's time to build memories elsewhere without the strings.

canigooutyet · 02/08/2021 21:53

When the MIL isn't staying in the second home and other people are, tough shit if she wants to stay there.

If the old dear didn't want to crash on the sofa/floor/car she should have stayed at home. Anyone who comes here and expects to be given a bed when they haven't been invited, good luck to them but no one is giving up their beds.

Once the tears started, there was nothing to stop her pulling over and calming herself down so she could carry on. There was nothing to stop her if she got in such a state to phone one of her other children or a friend to come and pick her up. There was nothing to stop her from finding alternative accomodation for the night.

Actions have consequences and in this case it's fuck off home you weren't invited. She was more than aware that there was no room. And just because your DD is happy to share a room with her, doesn't mean this will always be the case. Then what will she do?

And the op and her sleep in the same bed lol. But I'm a fighter in my sleep when pissed off or have disturbing dreams. Ex used to spend time on the sofa or cleaning up the blood and rubbing his bruises if he was daft enough to sleep in the same bed.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 02/08/2021 21:54

And if she’s got a key to your house, it gets given back/you bolt the door while WFH. Ignore her miaowing through the letterbox. She’s got a teapot of her own and you’re working.

This made me snort Grin