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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About MILs holiday home

442 replies

strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 20:35

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

OP posts:
MushMonster · 02/08/2021 21:07

It is her house OP. You cannot tell her to leave, under no circumstances.
I think this will be the last time you use it.
I would stay, she can stay ( in a blow up mattress/ sofa?). Just so the kids and their friends enjoy their time there. It would be a shame to bring them all back just after so short a break.
Next time, choose for other holidays.

Though, your MIL sounds like she is just lonely.

TheLoveOfMoney · 02/08/2021 21:07

She is totally out of order, completely and utterly. If you loan someone something it doesn't give you the right to be there when you use it. Say I lent you a bbq, when you use it can I rock up and eat the food?? No. I hope she leaves

burritofan · 02/08/2021 21:07

Honestly I think she knows exactly what she’s up to.

She didn’t text you to confirm if the kids’ friends were definitely coming because she knew you’d say yes. She didn’t call to ask if she could come because she knew you’d say no. She didn’t check with you if she could boot DS and son out of his room because she knew you’d say no. She threw a wobbler then came straight back hoping you’d all go “Oh, MIL! So sorry, of course you can crash our holiday.”

I think you can’t go to this holiday house ever again. And if she’s got a key to your house, it gets given back/you bolt the door while WFH. Ignore her miaowing through the letterbox. She’s got a teapot of her own and you’re working.

No idea how to solve the current situation though. Pop-up tent for her in the garden? She can sleep in the car?

Saidtoomuch · 02/08/2021 21:08

This is why I hate people surprising me.
Let us know what happens when you get back to the house.
She's doesn't sound like the sort of person who listens or will take no for an answer. Your DH needs to sleep on the sofa and let her bunk in with you for the night. I know its cringy sharing with MIL, but he can't let an older lady sleep on the sofa. He needs to spend a bit of one on one time with her tomorrow, brunch or something, then let her go back home. He can't let her leave upset.
When you all get home you need a talk together about boundaries, not popping in whilst you are working, agreeing better communication (from her) and no more little surprises.

canigooutyet · 02/08/2021 21:09

Or bung. her some money so you are renting it from her. Surely she doesn't rock up when paying guests are there because she's lonely?

What is she doing to overcome this other than dropping in on you whenever she feels like it?

My mum used to complain she was lonely (probably still does) which was all her own doing by not giving a shit about anyone else and just dumping herself on people and making everything about her.

Original poster
strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 21:09

@essentialhealing

I'm curious as to where the MIL would have slept even if the kids didn't each have a friend there

DD16, DS 14, and you and DP. That's three rooms taken and it's a three bed. Can't imagine your kids share so where would the MIL have slept even if friends hadn't came. She said she wasn't sure they were coming so regardless of that where was she expecting to sleep, with DD?

One room has bunk beds and the other has two singles that can be clipped together to make a king size if necessary. Ds and DD used to share the bunk bed room and she'd have the other one but last year she shared with DD with two singles and DS had bunk bed room to himself (DD ok about this. He snores and is a bit smelly whilst DD and her grandma are very neat and tidy!)
OP posts:
Wineandroses3 · 02/08/2021 21:10

I would be really cross too. But.. I wouldn’t confront her about it now, it’s not the right time, it will upset your kids and make their friends feel uncomfortable. I certainly wouldn’t give your husband an ultimatum, this isn’t his fault, you need to present a United front. I would want her to drive home
In the morning- but I don’t think tonight is the time to address it cos you will be too angry and it could get nasty and you will regret it later m. Go back, stay calm, say nothing for now, have a cup of tea, sleep on it and then deal with it with a cool head in the morning x

yellowsofa · 02/08/2021 21:11

@Feelingoktoday

She sounds lonely. You can’t make your husband choose between his mum and you that is a terrible thing to do. It sounds like she likes you and wants to chat when she pops round for a cup of tea.

I get on with my partners mum and quite happy to have a week with her. Same as I would if my mum was alive.

What's this got to do with OP's present situation. Good for you though...good for youHmm
TillyTopper · 02/08/2021 21:11

I think YABU - you have borrowed the holiday home, you are fully aware she has no boundaries and yet you went ahead apparently hoping it would be ok. And surprise, it's not.

I think you need to pay for your own holidays in future and stop going away with her, you seem way too over-involved.

tara66 · 02/08/2021 21:11

You should have given her ''notes'' well in advance on the whole schedule of the stay in her house with dates and names of people who will be there and read it through with her and even mentioned '..'so you won't be able to be with us for this holiday as the house will be full'' or something similar. I think you suspected this might happen but didn't really make it clear enough she could not come or if she accepted that.

DeRigueurMortis · 02/08/2021 21:11

YANBU

It's her holiday home, but it's your holiday.

Just as she had a choice to let you use it or not, you had a choice under which circumstances you would/would not have accepted her offer.

She's seriously lacking in boundaries.

Making the kids sleep on the sofa to accommodate her is not on - either for the kids or you (where are you expected to sit when the kids want to go to bed?).

In all honesty I'd make clear either she gets in the car and goes home or I would and she can stay there by herself.

I don't care if she's fecking lonely/bored. You don't crash someone's holiday and start turfing people out of their rooms.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 02/08/2021 21:12

Honestly I'd be raging. I understand its her holiday home but she offered it on the basis of it being just you without her going so she's out of order moving those goalposts.

If she's lonely she needs to remedy that. And the way to do so isn't to force yourself onto your close family.

I'd stop answering the door to her too. But it gets on my nerves when people assume that just because I'm home, I'm available, when the reality is that I'm bloody busy working!

GettingItOutThere · 02/08/2021 21:13

she knew what she was doing! shes being manipulative.

Frankly I would tell her, heres some money for a b and b or stay on the sofa, but go home tomorrow.

If you feel that bad, pay for the cottage for the week at mates rates
. But no. shes bang out of order!!

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 02/08/2021 21:14

Agree that you can't let it ruin the kids holiday. Especially as they've brought friends. This might work out for the best in the long term in that it's brought things to a head that really do need to be dealt with.

Greenlittle · 02/08/2021 21:14

I would let the boys sleep in the living room, it is no big deal in a holiday. Make the best of it and don’t rely on freebies in the future. Nothing is ever free!

Taliskerskye · 02/08/2021 21:14

Madness is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome

Why do you answer the door to her when you’re working

Returnoftheowl · 02/08/2021 21:14

I've got no ideas for how to solve this mess, however I wouldn't be holidaying there in the future. You using her holiday home is giving her power over you and your family.

burritofan · 02/08/2021 21:15

Borrow a tent and have a couple of nights away cheaply with DH later in the year
let her bunk in with you for the night.
Please combine these two frankly insane pieces of advice and have a night in a tent with just you and MIL.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 02/08/2021 21:16

Agree with @burritofan & @GettingItOutThere. I think she knows exactly what she's doing. I also wonder how much of DH's awful experiences there were down to his DM engaging in this sort of manipulative behaviour during his younger years. No idea how you resolve it, OP, I think she's pulled a fast one.

Keeva2017 · 02/08/2021 21:16

Honestly the people guilting you and bleating she’s lonely (don’t even start on the suggestion that YOU share a bed with her ffs), these are the future mils (or current) who’s son and daughter in laws will posting about one day. No concept of boundaries, encouraging you to bow down to manipulation, they are planning on crashing their kids holidays in years to come.

I am absolutely not in the hating mils camp and I’m pretty soft with boundaries. But your mil is one for the books and you better believe she knows exactly what she’s doing. The storming out and coming back with a tall glass of guilt? Don’t fall for it.

EKGEMS · 02/08/2021 21:16

Some people just have to twist that proverbial knife in the back of the OP or brag about their perfect MIL/DIL relationship!
I'm sorry that she crashed your vacation! I think you three are well overdue a sit down conversation with her on return home when emotions are not running high. Good luck on the remainder of your week

Greenlittle · 02/08/2021 21:17

In fact, why not let granny stay with the kids and you and dh book yourself into a nice b&b and have some romantic time together in the evenings.

I mean, it is hardly a close knit family holiday if the children are bringing friends. So keep it open and welcoming and benefit from alone time with DH

Clymene · 02/08/2021 21:17

She's being awful. She knew damn well there wasn't space. And chucking your son and his friend out of their room is outrageous behaviour.

How dare she embarrass her grandchildren like this? I'm glad your husband is furious with her.

I'd book her into a premier inn and drive her there if she's too distraught to drive home. He can drive her car and you can follow in yours.

Panickingpavlova · 02/08/2021 21:18

Grin burrito it's getting better and better and dh and the dc can safely holiday in the holiday home knowing Mil is occupied. 🤣

Patapouf · 02/08/2021 21:18

She's behaving like a toddler. It's not your job to amuse and entertain her she needs to let you have the holiday she gave you!

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