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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About MILs holiday home

442 replies

strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 20:35

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

OP posts:
Hugoslavia · 02/08/2021 21:55

I don't know why I'm chuckling, it's probably with nervous horror! That is so dire! She gets three holidays a year with family and yet she can't stay at home on her own for a weekend? Unless she is recently bereaved or has been left by a partner, she really needs to put plans in place to ensure that she makes more friends and gets out more! I would be absolutely livid. To be honest, I would be tempted to forgo a week away with her next year as recompense.

chaosrabbitland · 02/08/2021 21:55

@toocold54

YANBU to send MIL home though.

It’s MILs home though! She could easily tell them all to leave!

How much are you paying for it?

This is so difficult as she has probably planned this but it is her house so you can’t kick her out.

I would offer to find and pay for a cheap B&B for her as a compromise and say you don’t want the boys in the living room and you don’t want to be confined to your bedroom.
If it was me then this would be the last time I visit there.

she could indeed tell them all to leave , but somehow i think she wont , that wasnt part of her plan , shes currently grizzling on the settee making out shes too upset to drive back to her actual home , after she left and no one tried to stop her going thereby realising that her grand surprise trick had backfired spectacularly on her
TheUndoingProject · 02/08/2021 21:57

Just turning up is ridiculous of her, but it seems a bit much to tell her you desperately need a family holiday and then let your kids invite their mates!

Mandalayblonde · 02/08/2021 21:59

@burritofan

Borrow a tent and have a couple of nights away cheaply with DH later in the year let her bunk in with you for the night. Please combine these two frankly insane pieces of advice and have a night in a tent with just you and MIL.

Post of the day / week / year @burritofan

OP, I assume she's still there tucked up in bed whilst you and DH are stuck trong to sleep on lumpy sofas and hissing at each other about whose job it is to tell her to go in the morning...

WildingFae · 02/08/2021 21:59

OP? Come on, we're dying over here!

DeRigueurMortis · 02/08/2021 22:00

@Aquamarine1029

Poor lady, to feel unwanted by her own son. Yes her dropping in all the time is an issue, yes she should not have just joined you, but do you really want to hurt her like this?

For fuck's sake. My eyes rolled so hard I think they're stuck. 🙄

Mine also....

She's not a "poor lady".

She's a person happy to crash a holiday in the knowledge they wanted time together, doing things she didn't like and kick her GS and his friends out of their room because she's bored.

Stuff everyone else as long as she's ok.

Frankly she should be embarrassed and definitely needs to be taught about boundaries.

Ozanj · 02/08/2021 22:00

@TheUndoingProject

Just turning up is ridiculous of her, but it seems a bit much to tell her you desperately need a family holiday and then let your kids invite their mates!
Yes this
ChargingBuck · 02/08/2021 22:00

@Saidtoomuch

This is why I hate people surprising me. Let us know what happens when you get back to the house. She's doesn't sound like the sort of person who listens or will take no for an answer. Your DH needs to sleep on the sofa and let her bunk in with you for the night. I know its cringy sharing with MIL, but he can't let an older lady sleep on the sofa. He needs to spend a bit of one on one time with her tomorrow, brunch or something, then let her go back home. He can't let her leave upset. When you all get home you need a talk together about boundaries, not popping in whilst you are working, agreeing better communication (from her) and no more little surprises.
Your DH needs to sleep on the sofa and let her bunk in with you for the night. I know its cringy sharing with MIL, but he can't let an older lady sleep on the sofa.

@Saidtoomuch, old ladies are perfectly capable of sleeping on sofas. I should know - I am old, & own 3 sofas.

Also - are you off your rocker? Why on EARTH are you advocating that OP should share a bed with a woman who annoys her 3 times a week, & has now utterly pissed both her & her husband off? It's ... quite a disturbing thought process to have come up with ...

30degreesandmeltinghere · 02/08/2021 22:00

Op may feel like part of a trio not a partnership with her own dh. Time with dh alone isn't much to hope for. Dc aside she is still on holiday with her dh..
Moving forward make it your norm.

MargosKaftan · 02/08/2021 22:02

Well the MIL could tell them to all go home, but then that would definitely be the end of any family trips together and rather seems like MIL doesn't want to go to the holiday home alone, she wants to go with her now adult dcs and their families.

Is DH driving her home then coming back again or is she sleeping on the sofa? Presume those are the options....

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 02/08/2021 22:04

Maybe the OP wants some time with her husband, so let the kids invite their friends. She doesn't want to spend a week with mil and that's fair enough!

Cuddlyrottweiler · 02/08/2021 22:06

YANBU at all! So what it's her house, she offered it to you alone. Then stomped on in.

You really need to put some boundaries in place as well with her turning up every other day. She goes home and leaves you to your holiday and visits every other week (or whatever) when DH is around.

canigooutyet · 02/08/2021 22:06

And if she is daft enough to stay for the duration, I would not be changing any plans made. I would not be calling any prebooked things to try and get her in. In fact I'd be spending as much time out and leaving her to sulk on the sofa. I would not be telling her my plans so she could rock up and potentially create a scene when there's no space/ticket for her.

I would carry on with everyone in the beds they were supposed to be in and forget that she's there. And my dc's told not to give up their bed to any gate crashers.

alfieum · 02/08/2021 22:08

My mil has a holiday home, we have never visited it. We have been assured that it would be our holiday but somehow I have always suspected this would be the outcome. Good luck OP you sound much calmer then me.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 02/08/2021 22:08

Book her into the nearest Premier Inn for tonight, on the grounds that it'll be more comfortable rather than anyone having to sleep on the sofa. You pay and that's the offset for having the free holiday. Then you can talk to her more calmly tomorrow.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 22:08

I would never go into that holiday house every again.

and I would stop pandering to her every whim, she's a manipulative CF.

What to do now? Tricky. What would be worst for everybody, children included? Drive home immediately and ruin al your holiday?
or make fun of the situation and make people sleep on the sofa.

But that would be the absolute end of it, she is taking the piss and went too far this time. The fake leaving and coming back "because too upset to drive" tells you all you need to know.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/08/2021 22:09

I am absolutely cringing at the sound of this. I think I would feel I had to give her your bed for the night, and then in the morning ask if she is staying, as you will have to take everyone home if she is as there is not enough space.

And I would never use the holiday home again!

SconeofDome · 02/08/2021 22:10

Where are all these cheap b&bs with rooms to spare in August that some of you are recommending?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 02/08/2021 22:10

My ils had 2 time share apartments abroad.. We were never offered and we never asked..
If they had, and we had gone and they turned up I would have swam home....
Grin

Wizzbangfizz · 02/08/2021 22:12

I'd be fuming too OP I hope she does the decent thing and goes home.

Hugoslavia · 02/08/2021 22:15

Right then. Kids on the sofa for tonight. Tomorrow morning you ask her whether she will be staying all week? If so, you will need to go out and buy two new air beds, pillows and bedding for the kids as they can't be expected to sleep on the sofa. If she still doesn't get the message, I would explain what your plans are for the week (you are all going surfing most days/have booked onto a surfing and abseiling course) and explain gently that you are worried that she will be bored left on her own each day whilst you are all out.

HollowTalk · 02/08/2021 22:16

You really need to tackle her turning up when you're working from home. That's even worse than her turning up at the holiday home.

lastcall · 02/08/2021 22:16

She knew exactly what she was doing; it's why she didn't call to ask if it was ok first.

Have your DH drive her home if she's pretending she's too upset to drive.

MorrisZapp · 02/08/2021 22:16

This happened last week too but it was a sister who wanted the teenagers to make space after saying they could have the bedrooms. Must be a common issue.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 22:16

@SconeofDome

Where are all these cheap b&bs with rooms to spare in August that some of you are recommending?
depends where you are. I just looked on airbnb for my own area, which is quite touristy and found a surprising number of availability for tonight (odd when you look at the time!) and for tomorrow night.