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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About MILs holiday home

442 replies

strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 20:35

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

OP posts:

30degreesandmeltinghere · 02/08/2021 21:18

It's a holiday home

She said you could holiday there...
No payment and the fact she owns it are irrelevant imo.

I would reconsider the amount she gatecrashes your daily lives...

Keeva2017 · 02/08/2021 21:19

Ignore me and do what @burritofan suggests. Honestly that’s finished me off

NeverMetANiceOne · 02/08/2021 21:20

Will you leave?

Greenlittle · 02/08/2021 21:20

Op, please ignore the ones telling you to drive her to a premier inn or sleep in the car or living room. It is just not done. A she owns the house and you are not paying rent. B. She is DJ’s mother, an older woman and needs to be treated with respect.

Tread with caution. Children will get over it and if she had a smaller house, the boys would probably be in the living room anyway. It will hardly ruin their vacation.

Perturbdisturb · 02/08/2021 21:22

The only way to be free to style it out for this week, then never borrow it again.
She is using her extra financial clout to get what she wants at your expense, you have no power because you are in her financial control.
Just live more separately when you get back, and don't put yourself in this position again.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 02/08/2021 21:22

Driving her to a premier Inn for the night is a good idea. Storming off and coming back 20 mins later is classic manipulation. Too upset to drive, indeed! Honestly, this is the sort of stunt my ILs would have pulled.
What happened when you got back?

WildingFae · 02/08/2021 21:22

@Greenlittle

Tread with caution. Children will get over it and if she had a smaller house, the boys would probably be in the living room anyway. It will hardly ruin their vacation.

Clymene · 02/08/2021 21:23

@Greenlittle

Tread with caution. Children will get over it and if she had a smaller house, the boys would probably be in the living room anyway. It will hardly ruin their vacation.

She's given them use of it for a week. She's abusing that now. And respect is a two way thing.

Blossomtoes · 02/08/2021 21:25

No payment and the fact she owns it are irrelevant imo

Of course it’s not irrelevant. If you accept free stuff it puts you at a disadvantage. You can’t chuck someone out of their own house - or not unless you want to get the CF of the year award.

Gazelda · 02/08/2021 21:25

@Wineandroses3

I would be really cross too. But.. I wouldn’t confront her about it now, it’s not the right time, it will upset your kids and make their friends feel uncomfortable. I certainly wouldn’t give your husband an ultimatum, this isn’t his fault, you need to present a United front. I would want her to drive home In the morning- but I don’t think tonight is the time to address it cos you will be too angry and it could get nasty and you will regret it later m. Go back, stay calm, say nothing for now, have a cup of tea, sleep on it and then deal with it with a cool head in the morning x

Wise words.

1FootInTheRave · 02/08/2021 21:26

She is a manipulative cow.

PanamaPattie · 02/08/2021 21:26

What a manipulative person she is. She can sleep on the sofa and drive home tomorrow. When you get home, cut back the time you spend with her. No more chats at the kitchen table. No more Sunday lunches. Severe boundaries are needed here. She is taking over your lives by stealth.

FrownedUpon · 02/08/2021 21:27

You need to holiday elsewhere. You can’t expect to use the home for free without her wanting to be there. It’s her home!

Greenlittle · 02/08/2021 21:27

Honestly, I wonder how many of you are just spoiling for a fight! Do you really behave in such a crude way with your Mils or are you just armchair warriors
It is hardly that big a deal, it is not like she has lived in to live with you. It is a holiday and it is only a week. Make the best of it and draw boundaries for the future. Which sadly means not using her holiday home or accepting that she will probably join.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 02/08/2021 21:28

Mil won't be homeless if op stays and she doesn't though!!

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 02/08/2021 21:28

Havent RTFT but all this "Its her house" bollocks! So if you offer something to someone, no strings attached, you can just add in T's and C's after they agree and are using it? The MIL offered, she knew there wasnt room for her, even if the friends hadnt gone there are still two teenagers not if the same sex who need a room each.... You don't just give something as a gift and then treat it like it's yours. You wouldn't buy someone a gift and then turn up at their house to use it. You wouldn't buy someone tickets to something and then turn up on the day and ask for one of the tickets back so you could go too. The woman has driven all the way there unannounced and then stood like a stage director getting her grandson and his friend to move out of the bedroom for her to move into. His friend is a guest, who the OP asked MIL if they could invite, and the poor kid has had his friends gran shooing him to pack up his clothes and move into the lounge for the week.

chaosrabbitland · 02/08/2021 21:28

god what a nightmare , my blood pressures through the roof just reading this , i agree with almost everyone else , she knew what she was doing , shes got no boundries , she of the attitude , its my house , i let them have it for free , it doesnt matter if i said i wouldnt come i will just turn up the kids friends can just get put in the living room and we will all play happy families , cos they will make me welcome like always , except now her sons got the actual arse with her so shes thrown a wobbly except STILL doesnt have the conviction to follow it through and go home again , shes turned on the bloody waterworks and its the oh im too upset to drive home again now , still hoping that he and you will cave and let her stay
its absloutly awful manipulation and the trouble is if she does stay now , the resentment on your and hubs part is there now , i hate to be a harbinger of doom , but unless your really good actors or shes got the hide of a rhino , shes going to sense shes made a mistake ,is unwelcome .which is going to cast a cloud over your holiday anyway .

i think personally your hubby needs to tell her the kids need their own rooms and she will have to drive back in the morning or ,she can spend the week on the settee

Clymene · 02/08/2021 21:30

@Greenlittle

Honestly, I wonder how many of you are just spoiling for a fight! Do you really behave in such a crude way with your Mils or are you just armchair warriors

It is hardly that big a deal, it is not like she has lived in to live with you. It is a holiday and it is only a week. Make the best of it and draw boundaries for the future. Which sadly means not using her holiday home or accepting that she will probably join.

Of course it's a big deal! The OP specifically didn't want to go on holiday with her MIL. And was pretty clear that that wasn't what they wanted.

You really need better boundaries if you think this is okay.

Tryingtryingandtrying · 02/08/2021 21:31

Has she saved you £800 or £5000? Why not just have booked somewhere in the same area and paid for it? Is she a widow?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 02/08/2021 21:31

Mil hasn't covered herself in glory has she??
Cfuckery isn't just for the young!!

Clangerschick1 · 02/08/2021 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 02/08/2021 21:31

Ahhh tricky!

I’d say nothing in life is for free, and by accepting her generosity you also have to take her presence, it’s a package deal

If you really want a week without her, you should have booked and paid for your own holiday.

The teens can sleep on the couch, they won’t care

Don’t let her be sad. Grin and bear it and book (and pay) your own holiday next time

Poor lady, to feel unwanted by her own son. Yes her dropping in all the time is an issue, yes she should not have just joined you, but do you really want to hurt her like this?

DeRigueurMortis · 02/08/2021 21:32

@Blossomtoes

No payment and the fact she owns it are irrelevant imo

Of course it’s not irrelevant. If you accept free stuff it puts you at a disadvantage. You can’t chuck someone out of their own house - or not unless you want to get the CF of the year award.

Alternatively crashing someone's holiday and turfing people out of their bedroom is being a CF.

If you offer a gift, it's not appropriate to take it back partially or fully.

You're right that they are at a disadvantage though and she's absolutely played on that and is being utterly selfish and manipulative.

Greenlittle · 02/08/2021 21:32

Life is rarely what you want, best to deal with it calmly and with compassion. At least you didn’t pay thousands fora holiday and have mil turn up. That happens too!

Families are messy and you just have to have a measured approach

Spotsandstars · 02/08/2021 21:33

Definitely need to draw stronger boundaries when you get back despite whatever you do now. I don't mean nc just see less of her when it's more convenient for you.

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