Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 13 14 15 16 17 18

Original poster

About MILs holiday home

442 replies

strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 20:35

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

OP posts:

choli · 04/08/2021 21:29

bollocks. she absolutely does, as OP has says she wouldn't dream of interrupting her son's work and has said as much. But it's ok to decamp to the house when OP is working and to expect tea and conversation during hours. She does understand; she just doesn't respect OP.
I think she's one of those people who think that a woman's job is not a real job.

ellyeth · 04/08/2021 23:27

I'm glad it's all worked out.

The OP was obviously torn between appreciating that her mother in law is basically a decent and kindly person but one who unfortunately seems to have no proper understanding of boundaries.

I think these sorts of issues arise in many families and often turn into full blown family wars so thank goodness things have settled down, largely thanks to the OP reining back her understandable frustration with the whole situation.

(Sorry OP, I don't mean to belittle your difficult predicament but I did think this would make a wonderful TV comedy drama, especially with the intervention of various other parties).

Emmylouisa · 05/08/2021 01:36

Oh God, I would be so stressed if I were you. I wouldn't know what to do. Sorry I can't offer any advice.. What a dreadful situation. She is one thing, a complete drama queen and I think you've been too accommodating in the past.. Time to change!

MrsRockAndRoll · 05/08/2021 01:38

Great update

SingingInTheShithouse · 05/08/2021 03:03

She was too upset to drive home, so she drove back to tell you about it... hmmm

She is a manipulative cow who thinks others boundaries are hers to trample all over

bemusedmoose · 05/08/2021 09:20

Ah yes the overly dramatic victim playing mother in law - think many of us have those!!

She is being unreasonable, which of course you all know, not that she will ever see it that way!

I would leave her to it, get the kids well settled in the rooms and she can have the sofa or drive home when she has stopped laying on the tears.

Dont get me wrong - I'm usually a very sympathetic and caring person but these emotional blackmail shows really get me hot under the collar and I have zero tolerance for it. Currently going through it with my own mother and if I dare breathe a word she storms out regaling all the sacrifices she's made in 40 years... I use to fall for it but now even my kids are thinking of telling her to fluff off!

Dont bend to her needs - you told her friends were there, she said go ahead without her, she turned up unannounced... She wouldn't to that to a holiday let family and cant do it to you. I would clearly state that a speak no more about it. Also make sure you are doing lots of water sports and super busy - have a bloody good time. People like that can't sulk forever because they have to have the attention so a new drama will turn up. Til then - enjoy the water xxx

MakeMathsFun · 05/08/2021 10:02

@bemusedmoose

Ah yes the overly dramatic victim playing mother in law - think many of us have those!!

She is being unreasonable, which of course you all know, not that she will ever see it that way!

I would leave her to it, get the kids well settled in the rooms and she can have the sofa or drive home when she has stopped laying on the tears.

Ditto!

You've worded this so accurately... I also like the "fluff off" as its a kinder representation of the harsher intention.

MumofSpud · 05/08/2021 10:08

I like the idea someone had of you and DH giving up your room for your MiL - finding a b&b (or even go home and enjoy the peace & quiet!) and leaving her with the teens!!

DreamTheMoors · 07/08/2021 20:01

@strengthinnumber

But it's her house. And she lost rental money lending it to us when uk holidays are at a premium. And she is lovely but just not someone I want to be with lots and lots. Poor DH is beside himself. He doesn't really like the holiday home because of bad childhood memories and this isn't helping him feel more positive about it. He never gets cross with his mum so she's reacted really badly now he has. Wtf will the children's' friends think.

You explain to ALL the children the truth: that granny wasn’t expected, that granny should’ve told you she was coming, that granny NEVER should’ve put the boys out of their room - AND that’s why, either #1, granny had a meltdown & left, or granny had a meltdown so the rest of you left, and that you’ll figure out some fun way to spend the rest of your week, pending the permission of your kids’ guests’ parents. Don’t EVER take responsibility for someone else’s actions. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

DreamTheMoors · 07/08/2021 20:03

Oh dear - I apologize. I see I’m very late to this conversation.

Baxterbear · 07/08/2021 20:37

@PiffleWiffleWoozle

I understand where you are coming from but I don’t agree she’s horribly selfish, she sounds generous and lonely and a bit over keen to join in.

Totally agree with you Piffle, loneliness is terribly isolating and can affect your mental health. It sounds like mil is really struggling tbh and the pandemic really hasn't helped as some people were suddenly hit with the realisation of how alone they truly are. My advice is to either suck it up and continue with your family holiday or return home. It would be unfair to give your other half the ultimatum of "me or your mum" especially when she's not been unkind to you. In my humble opinion, it seems you are happy to benefit from your relationship as long as you don't have to give anything back. It's such a shame that family means so little to people these days.

Ownedbyafrenchie · 07/08/2021 20:56

Baxterbear i totally agree with you, family means little to people these days and the OP forgets that there may come a time when she is the lonely mil desperate for a relationship with her kids' partners. I have heard tales where the mil is a nightmare but this isn't one of them. What goes around comes around.

saraclara · 07/08/2021 21:27

it seems you are happy to benefit from your relationship as long as you don't have to give anything back. It's such a shame that family means so little to people these days.

You clearly haven't read that the OP has or visits MIL for lunch once a week, and MIL visits for a cuppa several times a week. She can't be accused of not giving anything back or family meaning nothing to her.

It's not just those of us living alone throughout the pandemic who are struggling with mental health. Parents who have been trying to WFH, manage children's home tutoring and juglling everything are also really stressed and desperately need a holiday to re-boot.

I love having holidays with my adult children, but I absolutely would not want to intrude on the ones they're having this summer. They need couple/family time, and to be able to relax. The only thing I've worried about is the prospect of them getting pinged and having to cancel. They are all so tired, and desperately need to have a break.

Panickingpavlova · 07/08/2021 21:27

Dream the Moors, old hat now but still a good post

saraclara · 07/08/2021 21:33

Also @Baxterbear and @Ownedbyafrenchie, to add to my post above, you really haven't taken in what OP has said about their relationship with MIL. These snide comments about 'family meaning nothing' are not deserved.

Also, not all of us widowed oldies are pathetically desperate to intrude on our families' lives. I'm really fortunate to meet up with my DDs at least once a week, but I'm very careful not make them feel that they have to, or appear needy. I want them to WANT to see me, not to be guilted into it. And so far they do.

Marriedatfirstyear · 07/08/2021 22:20

@saraclara

it seems you are happy to benefit from your relationship as long as you don't have to give anything back. It's such a shame that family means so little to people these days.

Well said. Respecting boundaries goes both ways and unfortunately with some, they love to take take take. Everyone is entitled to holiday time. I mentioned earlier that I wouldn't arrive unexpectedly at my own home as a friend is house-sitting. It's about boundaries and respect.

The snide comments are quite telling.

DreamTheMoors · 07/08/2021 23:27

@Panickingpavlova

Dream the Moors, old hat now but still a good post

@Panickingpavlova

Thank you. 🌷

Flip

1 2 ··· 13 14 15 16 17 18