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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About MILs holiday home

442 replies

strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 20:35

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

OP posts:
AnnaSW1 · 02/08/2021 20:54

She sounds like a nightmare. So immature. I can't bear that kind of behaviour

LocalHobo · 02/08/2021 20:54

Is there a nearby B&B that you can persuade her to use tonight? Meet her for a nice brunch in the morning and, make it clear tonight, that you expect her to be going home after brunch as she can see her staying is not an option.
This is why I always put arrangements in a text to my family. Ridiculous I know, but my sister confirms plans then totally revamps things- and I look the bad guy. Having plans in black and white has helped immensely.

Aprilx · 02/08/2021 20:54

She sounds lonely and I expect she honestly thought her family might be pleased to see her. I could understand you being slightly irritated at her arrival but no I don’t think being as angry as you are is justified and I don’t think many people would have made their elation feel quite as unwelcome as you have. Pay for your holidays in future.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/08/2021 20:54

I don’t really think you should have left you DH to it, from what you say. And I’m normally always in the “it’s dh’s fault” camp.

HighlandCowbag · 02/08/2021 20:55

What Id do is see how long she plans on staying, offer for you and dh to sleep om the sofa tonight and see what she says. Say it's not fair on the dcs to suffer and lose their rooms.

If she accepts but then says she will go home tomorrow then fair enough. She will either flounce or offer to go home graciously or accept. In the morning say the sofa is too uncomfortable to sleep on for a week so either you all go home or she sleeps on the sofa for the week.

Panickingpavlova · 02/08/2021 20:55

Yes I think there is a silver lining here op.
I feel for the your Mil she probably has absolutely no idea how much you want some space and don't enjoy being with her all the time

Sadly I bet she got so so excited at the prospect of having a weeks company she couldn't think of anything else and probably esp if she's on her own actually does only think if herself.

Maybe this is a good time to address her lonelyness and how to help her combat it?

Op as for your break Sad how miserable.

WildingFae · 02/08/2021 20:56

I would suggest that either she goes to a b&b, or you DS and his friend do.

MILs cock up shouldn't mean they have to sleep on sofas for a week.

His poor friend! How cringe for them.

I think MIL knew really that the friends were there, this is a power play.

citycitycity · 02/08/2021 20:56

@strengthinnumber

But it's her house. And she lost rental money lending it to us when uk holidays are at a premium. And she is lovely but just not someone I want to be with lots and lots. Poor DH is beside himself. He doesn't really like the holiday home because of bad childhood memories and this isn't helping him feel more positive about it. He never gets cross with his mum so she's reacted really badly now he has. Wtf will the children's' friends think.
Why do you go every year if DH doesn’t like it?
LtDansleg · 02/08/2021 20:56

@Feelingoktoday

She sounds lonely. You can’t make your husband choose between his mum and you that is a terrible thing to do. It sounds like she likes you and wants to chat when she pops round for a cup of tea.

I get on with my partners mum and quite happy to have a week with her. Same as I would if my mum was alive.

Wtf has that got to do with the op’s situation? She’s already got a weeks holiday booked with her and has cups of tea with her 3 days a week.
Hercisback · 02/08/2021 20:57

Oh this is such a hard one. She's clearly in the wrong but the family fall out could be huge.

No idea what I'd do in your situation.

Scottishskifun · 02/08/2021 20:57

It's late now have her stay overnight then go tomorrow. Yes it's her house but she stated she wasn't coming, it's your family holiday and she didn't even bother to call!

I think she knows how it would have been received hence she didn't call before setting off!

BackforGood · 02/08/2021 20:57

Your dh needs to remind her that she knew this was a holiday for you two, your two dc and their two friends.
That there is no room.
That she can sleep on the sofa tonight and go home in the morning.

She clearly expected you and your dh to cave in when she did her flounce.

canigooutyet · 02/08/2021 20:57

I would leave them all to it and go home to a quiet house and let them crack on with it.

She had no right to start asking people to move out to make a space for her. Having the boys in the living room would be a nightmare as surely you would both like to stay up a bit without the dc's hanging around watching TV.

Or she needs to be told to nicely fuck off home nicely and if the water works carry on she will get over it.

And whenever she just turns up at your house when dh isn't around to pander to her, don't let her in especially when you are working.

WildingFae · 02/08/2021 20:58

Yes it's her house but she stated she wasn't coming, it's your family holiday and she didn't even bother to call !I think she knows how it would have been received hence she didn't call before setting off!

This.

MichelleScarn · 02/08/2021 20:59

@Feelingoktoday

She sounds lonely. You can’t make your husband choose between his mum and you that is a terrible thing to do. It sounds like she likes you and wants to chat when she pops round for a cup of tea.

I get on with my partners mum and quite happy to have a week with her. Same as I would if my mum was alive.

Why is there always a completely random post like this!!
Pantsomime · 02/08/2021 21:00

Oh dear disaster all round. You have to let her stay to avoid future repercussions but she sleeps in the lounge or you and DH do. Tell her it’s the DCs holiday and they were looking forward to being with their friends. This may make her realise it’s about them not her. You have to fall on your sword a bit- but never take the house again. Additionally when you go back to work tell her your job role has changed and you are back to back conference calls all day and she can’t come round in the week. You need that set in stone. She has been manipulative the offer has strings but by either her or you 2 sleeping in the lounge it should make her see she’s putting herself or you two out. Rejoice at being able to put your foot down and look forward to her not being allowed in during the week. You are understandably angry. Borrow a tent and have a couple of nights away cheaply with DH later in the year with her babysitting

Blossomtoes · 02/08/2021 21:03

Borrow a tent and have a couple of nights away cheaply with DH later in the year

Seriously? I’d rather not have a holiday again for the rest of my life than do this! We’d kill each other before we’d got the tent up.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 02/08/2021 21:03

I think she's being massively unreasonable too. She was told and has chosen to ignore it. All the sniffing on the sofa is manipulative. She needs to go home and you need to stop indulging her by entertaining her when you are WFH! She isn't an abandoned old lady - her family sees her a lot, but you are entitled to some family time by yourselves.
I had to ask my mil to phone before coming round, as my ILs used to just turn up and stay all day, regardless of whether that was convenient for me, so I know how hard this can be. But you have to deal with it head on or you'll have no privacy or space.

Original poster
strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 21:03

Why do you go every year if DH doesn’t like it?

Good question.
Honestly it's in such an amazing location that the kids adore it. And a week with his mum makes her really happy. It's not major trauma for him staying here- just somewhere things were difficult for a while.

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 02/08/2021 21:03

She didn’t call ahead because she was banking on your guilt and sympathy to kick in when she was in front of you, knowing full well you would have told her not to come if she called.

It may be her home but she has no right to control and manipulate you like that, she crossed a line and she needs to understand that she can’t behave this way.

Loneliness, if that is the issue, isn’t a free pass to trample over other people’s wishes and needs in order to obtain company.

Panickingpavlova · 02/08/2021 21:04

Borrow a tent Grin that's something for op to look forward too Biscuit

essentialhealing · 02/08/2021 21:04

I'm curious as to where the MIL would have slept even if the kids didn't each have a friend there

DD16, DS 14, and you and DP. That's three rooms taken and it's a three bed. Can't imagine your kids share so where would the MIL have slept even if friends hadn't came. She said she wasn't sure they were coming so regardless of that where was she expecting to sleep, with DD?

Hopeisallineed · 02/08/2021 21:05

Can you book somewhere else or is it far too late for that? I would be quite annoyed, especially as your husband explained you needed family time and all and the extra kids. Hope it gets sorted.

Singlebutmarried · 02/08/2021 21:06

How long is the drive back? Stick her in a taxi and then take her car back when you’ve finished the week (assuming both you and DH drive?).

That or she needs to be looking for accommodation.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2021 21:06

@Keeva2017

She didn’t call ahead because she was banking on your guilt and sympathy to kick in when she was in front of you, knowing full well you would have told her not to come if she called.

It may be her home but she has no right to control and manipulate you like that, she crossed a line and she needs to understand that she can’t behave this way.

Loneliness, if that is the issue, isn’t a free pass to trample over other people’s wishes and needs in order to obtain company.

Exactly. Everything she does is pure manipulation. If you don't make a stand now and put in place some serious boundaries, she is only going to get worse.

I'd be leaving, personally. She can stay at her holiday home all by herself.

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