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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About MILs holiday home

442 replies

strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 20:35

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

OP posts:
MakeMathsFun · 04/08/2021 01:19

In the UK I knew someone years ago whose MIL bought the house next door. As the MIL couldn't take their hints to visit less often, they moved house as her excessive presence was unreasonable. Suddenly the MIL moved house again too, to the same street. After this happened 3 times, they just moved to Canada! 100% TRUE.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2021 01:32

Call me Mystic Meg but here goes:

Dh's father was at least a bit of a shit, if not abusive. His way was the only way for a few years. MIL learned not to ask for what she wants and to subsume her needs and wants. This became such a habit that the only way to get her needs met was to be passive aggressive, she couldn't be aggressive or even assertive because it would have resulted in abuse or nastiness.

Their father being nasty and their mother being passive aggressive meant the children bonded AND live with fear, obligation and guilt. They can't challenge it because Mum is the sainted holy mother who was good all through the bad times. She still can't just out and ask for things and lives through her children but hasn't allowed them good boundaries so she can have an overly close relationship into their adulthood.

Am I close? It's a very very well documented psychology.

You can limp through this but YOU need boundaries if DH doesn't have any. And avoid opportunities for her to foist herself because you actually love her so if you can keep boundaries you will have nicer times when you see her.

Buffs · 04/08/2021 03:07

Leave your children and their friends in the bedrooms and you and your husband go to a nearby hotel. Then you’ll all get a break.

Whitedeer · 04/08/2021 05:06

Buffs.
That is pure gold! The perfect solution for the problem.

Maggiejardine · 04/08/2021 07:17

It’s a bit like doing business with friends, the boundaries can be messy because of the relationship. She does have the balance of power because it’s her house and she is using that power, maybe because she’s lonely or doesn’t get that you would like a hol without her. If she doesn’t leave of her own accord or let DH take her home I would remind her that the room arrangements can’t be changed, she must sleep on the sofa, put up with her on that basis but resolve to never holiday there again, make independent plans. That may cost more but what price some MIL free time?

Odisia · 04/08/2021 07:29

MeanMrMustardSeed I agree. A balanced, real life response by the OP, her DH and family.

If people can't be bothered to read the whole thread before responding why not at least read the OP's posts?

Mima1 · 04/08/2021 07:41

:Buffs

Leave your children and their friends in the bedrooms and you and your husband go to a nearby hotel. Then you’ll all get a break.

Please do this....politely, helpfully...under the guise of resolving the problem. Also not too disrupting for DC and friends, who will probably barely notice the change of responsibIe adult.
I think you'll find you get a one night mini-break before she heads home and you can return. Likely she'll never do this again.

rookiemere · 04/08/2021 07:44

The OP has ALREADY resolved the problem over 24 hours ago.
People may be too busy and important to read all the posts, but do at least read the OP updates using the funnel button before ploughing into a long running thread.

Yorkshiretolondon · 04/08/2021 08:35

You can’t send her home as annoying as it is as your DH will never be able to forgive himself. It’s less then a week now. Decamp the kids into one room …. Make a big fuss of making this happen… give mil the other room and then go about your water sports as you were before ….. spend ALL day out doing the sports! Retire to bed early so you can be up early doing water sports…. Be lovely be polite be caring
It will be worth it in the long run for you DH and the kids …. They’re watching all this play out and will see mil not perfect but you managing very well x

Blossomtoes · 04/08/2021 08:37

@Yorkshiretolondon

You can’t send her home as annoying as it is as your DH will never be able to forgive himself. It’s less then a week now. Decamp the kids into one room …. Make a big fuss of making this happen… give mil the other room and then go about your water sports as you were before ….. spend ALL day out doing the sports! Retire to bed early so you can be up early doing water sports…. Be lovely be polite be caring It will be worth it in the long run for you DH and the kids …. They’re watching all this play out and will see mil not perfect but you managing very well x
RTFT
Crystalgirl90 · 04/08/2021 08:51

@burritofan

Borrow a tent and have a couple of nights away cheaply with DH later in the year let her bunk in with you for the night. Please combine these two frankly insane pieces of advice and have a night in a tent with just you and MIL.
Crying with laughter at this 🤣
SpindleWhorl · 04/08/2021 09:10

Decamp the kids into one room …. Make a big fuss of making this happen…

Two 16 year old girls. Two 14 year old boys. Sharing what, a set of bunk beds?

I think we have a new contender for 'insane pieces of advice'.

S0upertrooper · 04/08/2021 09:35

My late MIL had a holiday house and occasionally (out of season) would let us use it. It was many years ago when we were young and skint. They'd turn up at the door, just to make a cup of tea or use the toilet so we couldn't relax and enjoy the place. If we went with her she'd invite other people because she couldn't say no and wanted lots of people around her. On one occasion there was someone sleeping on a blow up bed on the floor. I hated it so we stopped going with her and stopped using the holiday house 'alone'. Then I was accused of being anti social an unwelcoming.

I now have my own (very small, inexpensive) holiday house which I occasionally allow selective friends and family to use. I'm also a (sort of) MIL to my DS's partner. I wouldn't dream of dropping in on them when they were there because I understand that holidays are a time for catching your breath and recharging and the last thing you need is an additional responsibility. So I think your MIL was very unreasonable and your response was understandable.

Great that you were able to resolve it amicably, enjoy the rest of your holiday!

I understand she's lonely, mine was too, but we can't be there for other people all the time

Alwayscalminacrisis · 04/08/2021 09:51

A couple of posters have noted that some people don’t get better with age - so true.
My first MiL was a strong character, had a great sense of humour, was interested in her GC and only overstepped once or twice. I genuinely liked her. She died several years ago, a long time after ExDH and I divorced, and I was very sad at her loss. My current MiL is selfish, manipulative, rude, demanding and ignorant and DH just about tolerates her. He is very good at managing her as he is aware of how difficult she is. It’s nothing to do with her age - she has always been difficult. I’m afraid I don’t make much of an effort and can’t see a time when I will. You reap what you sow in the way you treat others.

Cyberattack · 04/08/2021 14:57

@lcl

Sorry but she sounds lonely and you sound unreasonable and pretty selfish. It’s her home after all. I make a big effort with my in laws for my husbands sake and my children. They can be very difficult but no one is here forever. Family is very important and that can require humility.
Totally agree with you icl:
TriciaA1991 · 04/08/2021 16:42

Golly, some people are SO unsympathetic (that's to the responses, not to the OP)

Hope you are okay OP and that you get some sort of proper holiday.

lastcall · 04/08/2021 17:54

She’s of a generation who don’t understand the unwritten rules of working from home

bollocks. she absolutely does, as OP has says she wouldn't dream of interrupting her son's work and has said as much. But it's ok to decamp to the house when OP is working and to expect tea and conversation during hours. She does understand; she just doesn't respect OP.

Terhou · 04/08/2021 18:27

She’s of a generation who don’t understand the unwritten rules of working from home

This seems so incredibly ageist. We don't all lose the ability to understand basic common sense as soon as we hit 60, or even 70 or 80. If someone is working from home, the clue's in the word "working", i.e. being expected to carry on with their job in the normal way. If you wouldn't just drop in on them at the office and expect them to stop work and entertain you, you can't expect anything different when they're WFH.

MarianneUnfaithful · 04/08/2021 19:06

She’s of a generation who don’t understand the unwritten rules of working from home

Some of ‘her generation’ have been and are wfh.

Such generalised ageist crap.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2021 19:21

She’s of a generation who don’t understand the unwritten rules of working from home

What generation is this then? My Dh is 62. He’s been working from home for years.

headintheproverbial · 04/08/2021 19:37

She sounds like a master of manipulation to me!! She knew fine well she wasn't invited, she had every reason to expect extra guests staying with your kids and she obviously stayed away for the weekend because SHE KNEW SHE WASNT INVITED. Let this be the end of it.

Barmychick · 04/08/2021 19:40

@caterinasballerinas I'm with you wise words

Lapun · 04/08/2021 19:40

Some of you must have family who are it only elderly but decrepit to boot! Here I do all the tech stuff ..installing firesticks, sideloading stuff etc. I read two broadsheets every day, listen to fantastic podcasts and do most of the things I always enjoyed. My generation does understand working from home. My own daughter does it and indeed loves it so what’s to understand? Some of us were managers and highly educated. I attended LSE and have a Masters from there so just quit patronising my age group! You should know better!

madabouttheman · 04/08/2021 20:05

Communication is key. Just say to her that you brought along the kids friends so they would be entertained so you and your husband could have some quality time together. That if you had known she was coming then you wouldn't of invited them.

I would also knock this turning up whenever on the head. "Can you please call before coming to see if its convenient because I am WORKING from home"

MakeMathsFun · 04/08/2021 21:13

@MarianneUnfaithful

She’s of a generation who don’t understand the unwritten rules of working from home

Some of ‘her generation’ have been and are wfh.

Such generalised ageist crap.

Fair point, but I think the author was trying to say something slightly different. I read it to mean that as the MIL is likely to have retired before the Coronavirus lockdowns, she may not have experience working from home under these conditions. For many people who never worked from home before Covid, they were oblivious to just how much work it could entail. Working from home always sounded like a luxury before, but know we know different. The MIL could still be in that group, so the slack use of the word "generation" may not be agist at all.
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