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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About MILs holiday home

442 replies

strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 20:35

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

OP posts:
Theluggagerules · 03/08/2021 11:16

Has she gone home yet?

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 03/08/2021 11:21

Must be a shock when you think that you are well liked & your presence turns out to be so unwanted!

Come on now. Context is everything. I am well liked by my good friends but I wouldn't crash their family holidays! I am also very fond of my MIL but that doesn't give her a free pass to join me whenever I go anywhere, or to come and take up time when I'm on a work deadline.

And to the pp who said OP had been horrible: bullshit.

I do think the other siblings need to step up, and a plan is needed for MIL becoming less independent, so all the work of that doesn't fall on OP.

Blackberrybunnet · 03/08/2021 11:24

It is her house. She is lonely. I get that it's a pain and you are pissed off, but you are going to have to get over it. You've already made her feel unwanted. Get a cheap tent from the nearest supermarket and let the kids stay in it in turns. Then learn from this. And apologise to her.

Rhannion · 03/08/2021 11:29

Hope you have told her to go home! She is the rude one and it must be embarrassing for the kids.

Rhannion · 03/08/2021 11:30

She needs to learn boundaries and this is a good chance to set them with her. Don’t be nice, be firm.

Original poster
strengthinnumber · 03/08/2021 11:34

So... boring final update.
We took MILout for a posh breakfast and had a lovely morning (though I'm a bit sleep deprived as DH took the 3 seater sofa and I had the 2 seater which isn't big enough. We ended up on cushions on the floor and I'm fat and 51 and that doesn't work!)
Anyway in the cold light of day I think she saw how awkward and uncomfortable it all was especially when she realised all the sailing we were doing and the sheer size of 14 and 16 year olds. It's no longer a case of small kids fitting on blow up beds anywhere. All the children are taller than me and her!

Anyway nice breakfast, lots of hugs and we suggested she organise a family bbq round at her place for DHs birthday mid Aug. That's given her something fun to think about and plan and she's an amazing hostess so everyone's a winner really.
Next day and sober I'm feeling a bit startled at how strong a "No" reaction I had when i saw her. Most unlike me. I think DH was a bit surprised as well. There's probably a conversation to be had about boundaries but our holiday is not that time.
Thanks everyone- and to those wondering about the teens they are fine! They weren't inconvenienced and are very longstanding friends, and they've already forgotten due to the latest drama in their teen sailing group.

Bit anti climatic really. Smile

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 03/08/2021 11:42

Thanks for coming back @strengthinnumber and giving us an update. I'm wondering if she felt that she might be missing out on something and wanted to be in the mix (does she often have FOMO?) but as you say in the cold light of day, realised that she really wasn't going to be missing out so agreed to leave?
Sometimes it really does need a 'strong No" as you put it in order to start establishing those boundaries.

Best of luck with the BBQ and with other 'visits' Grin Smile

Lobelia123 · 03/08/2021 11:43

Good outcome OP! So glad it all evened out....I do think it needed to happen, as boundaries are being over stepped (hence your strong reaction) - but glad your holiday wasnt spoilt over it! You sound great and I hope you get some rules established when you get back home so that you get to keep the best of all your relationships xxx

starrynight87 · 03/08/2021 11:55

Yay OP!

I understand your reaction, you were probably excited about having a break from her, and then she pops up

Cherrysoup · 03/08/2021 12:03

@strengthinnumber I'm not sure this is a conversation I'll ever have with DH

I guarantee if it were your mum and not his, there’d be a conversation! I honestly think we are programmed from age 0 to be socially nice, compliant, whatever. If you don’t take this opportunity to speak to your dh, it might be too late to raise it again. My mother is totally totally reliant on her sister’s family since my dad died and tbh, they’re getting well fed up. (I’m 5 hours away)

MangoBiscuit · 03/08/2021 12:06

Anti-climatic, maybe. But I love reading updates where it's all been sorted out, and everyone is reasonable, and leaves happy. Thank you for updating OP, and well done at keeping your cool.

Timeforanewnamemethinks · 03/08/2021 12:17

I think lockdown has messed with everyones' heads to a certain extent, and she's mis-read the welcome you give her when she visits. How could she know she's inconveniencing you if you don't tell her clearly and calmly, "sorry I'd love to put the kettle on and have a chat, but I've got work to get through"?

I'm also guessing that she's been a single parent to her children either through divorce or widowhood and has not really had much of a life outside of her family. Are most of her friends in couples? That can be hard to cope with if they are also retirees and appear to do lots of stuff together and she doesn't/can't join in.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 03/08/2021 12:18

She probably bought that holiday home as a way to see her children and grandchildren. So you can't really expect to use it without her. What a kick in the teeth for her.

She's a lone pensioner. What do you expect her to do? She's your husband's mum and without her your children would not exist, let alone have a free holiday.

Next time you use her house, invite her. When she dies you will inherit a share of two homes from her. Show some respect and gratitude for the brick and mortar she has grafted for and will pass on.

The WFH interruptions are a different thing. You need to be firm about visiting times and tell her that you won't answer the door during working hours in future.

mam0918 · 03/08/2021 12:18

People saying she wont let you use the house in future... but she is using your house 3 times a week with all these visits.

If she bars you from her home then just bar her from yours - it works both ways (and actually sounds like it would benefit you more).

BananasAboutBananas · 03/08/2021 12:25

Great update. Well handled OP.

Namechangecharlie999 · 03/08/2021 12:26

I’ve not read the entire thread but my 2penny worth would be this is what happens when you are beholden to family/friends for favours. Next time go with her but if you want to go on your own, book somewhere. She’s being a dick and she knows you owe her for letting you holiday in HER holiday home.

rookiemere · 03/08/2021 12:28

It is possible that your DH was not as clear and explicit about the cottage sole use as he needed to be.

Your guttural reaction to finding her there was good and even better that your DH witnessed it.

There's a huge difference between being a kind and inclusive DIL and having zero boundaries in place and it looks like this visit will encourage you to have some respectful but necessary constraints on MIL going forward.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 03/08/2021 12:42

So she has actually left then?

lap90 · 03/08/2021 13:10

@mam0918

People saying she wont let you use the house in future... but she is using your house 3 times a week with all these visits.

If she bars you from her home then just bar her from yours - it works both ways (and actually sounds like it would benefit you more).

I'm assuming the OP won't be in a rush to use the holiday home in the future anyway after what's unfolded and will be declining MIL offers to avoid future drama.
Palavah · 03/08/2021 13:43

@tara66

You should have given her ''notes'' well in advance on the whole schedule of the stay in her house with dates and names of people who will be there and read it through with her and even mentioned '..'so you won't be able to be with us for this holiday as the house will be full'' or something similar. I think you suspected this might happen but didn't really make it clear enough she could not come or if she accepted that.
You are kidding, right?
Pantsomime · 03/08/2021 14:08

OP anti climax makes for great real family life ups and downs- well negotiated - you just need to decide about work when you get home and how to handle her not disturbing you

LongTimeMammaBear · 03/08/2021 14:28

Best outcome. No doubt you’ll have a good night sleep tonight.

BlueMongoose · 03/08/2021 14:39

There is never a 'good day' for sorting out problems with boundaries that have been accumulating for far too long. The longer you leave it the harder it gets. You have to bite the bullet and do it.

littlenickyy61 · 03/08/2021 15:02

Op Im glad everything worked out but I am worried for you that the papers will pick up this story and as its quite outing it may cause issues. The mail and sun have been pinching stories from here so much recently and this is right up their street. I would be asking for the thread to be pulled if I were you

saraclara · 03/08/2021 15:24

Lovely outcome, OP. Posh breakfast and lots of hugs, followed by a calm departure sounds like the perfect resolution. Well done to everyone, and I hope MIL isn't too embarrassed at her mis-step.