About MILs holiday home

[strengthinnumber]

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

I don’t mean this is a dramatic way, but she has got you trapped.
The offer of the holiday home was bait and you went for it.
It has allowed MIL to gatecrash your private time, whilst you are in the weakened position of being on her property.
No criticism of you or your family, you sound kind, tolerant and understanding.
It is interesting that you say DH has bad memories of being in this property. My guess is that MIL knows this and it gives her an added psychological advantage over him.
Was he bullied?
If it were me, I would make a point of refusing all gifts, holidays, favours etc from MIL.
I would not want to be indebted to her in anyway.
I would be keen to demonstrate that I was not dependent on her.
I do feel sorry for her if she is lonely, but some people are lonely for a reason.Their behaviour, which can include not respecting boundaries may have driven people away.
I would quit the holiday house now.
It may be bloody awkward and inconvenient.
It would send a powerful message to her and you would reclaim some of your authority.

I think your man (and yes, it needs to be him) needs to set some really firm lines of whats acceptable. She needs to leave you to your family holiday and next time she turns up at yours, tell her at the door that you're busy working and you'll see her at the weekend (or whatever).
Offer her some money for the week you're staying at her house and ask her to treat you like any other renters. It's unacceptable that your child has been relegated to the living room to make space for her, when she knows she shouldn't be there (and I believe she fully knows that).
I do agree that she sounds very lonely, but that does not excuse her gatecrashing your family time!

YANBU.

Some people just have no sense of boundaries. If she lends you her house then she has to respect that you might like some time alone with your family. You married her son not her.

She’s of a generation who don’t understand the unwritten rules of working from home.
She’s a lonely older lady and you are part of her family. She welcomed you and doesn’t understand boundaries.

Just suck it up. Go on your planned water activities - let the children sleep on the sofa or ask her if she’d like to. It’s family stuff and the adult in you knows this. She’s not controlling she’s just lonely. Ask her to watch the children and have some time with your husband and don’t t make him choose between you and your Mother in law.
This is your problem not hers, she’s a senior member of the family and needs respect.

Glad the chips made you feel better. Now go and give her a hug.

YANBU. She is being very childish and knew exactly what she was doing. How embarrassing for your DC and their friends. She'll calm down and go. You can't leave yourself that would not be fair on your DC and the guests. When she's calmed down, explain she cannot stay as you have invited guests (which she consented to). In future, don't use the house.

People are unkind and I think too keen to assert ‘rights’. It is this kind of thing that damages relationships.

There is a more nuanced approach. It is possible to be kind and recognise this is a lonely old lady and give her time, whilst also setting some boundaries. It does not have to be all or nothing. Op needs to speak with her DH and to make sure he understands exactly how she feels and then they need a plan and to implement it. This CAN be done in a kind, but clear way. It might not be entirely smooth initially, but someone’s aging mother, even if she is manipulative deserves some slack and a chance to adjust to a new approach.

This is DHs mother and all the fury against her and extreme suggestions of how to respond are just very sad and maybe explain why there are so many relationship nightmares out there. Fortunately OP sounds much more balanced in her thinking and to have awareness of the situation and also self-awareness of her own triggers and feelings, so I think a way forward can be found which doesn’t have to mean cutting off the old lady or never going to the holiday house agaiin.

No doubt some of us on here aren’t going to be the easiest MILs when our turn comes and a bit of ‘bearing with’ along with establishing some boundaries when needed, can lead to better results all round.

Yanbu
I would just suck it and make do with the situation and try and enjoy your holiday. My MIL has never even made a phone call or sent a card to our children. My mother passed before the children arrived. I would love to have the opportunity to have grandparents and a free holiday. I do understand sometimes its just too much especially on holiday. I suggest next time book somewhere but still try and have some fun on holiday 😊

@strengthinnumber

Why do you go every year if DH doesn’t like it?

Good question.
Honestly it's in such an amazing location that the kids adore it. And a week with his mum makes her really happy. It's not major trauma for him staying here- just somewhere things were difficult for a while.

You and your dh want your cake and eat it, OP. As well you know. .

It's no good slagging off the MIL and outlining all the reasons why you want to avoid her, only to turn around and avail yourselves of free holidays all the time. Either you want to save money, in which case you put up with the situation, or you put your money where your mouth is and start taking your holidays elsewhere.

You're onto a good thing and you know it. Stop biting the hands that feed you. If your dh really was so traumatised by the place he wouldn't be going there would he?

Okay so I would be fuming raging fire and it’s no holiday when there’s resentment. On principle you are right and just from what u need you are right. This has got nothing NOTHING to do with it being her house. If she’s offered it to u it’s yours. Yours for that time. That’s the joy. That’s where relax comes in. It’s not like you’re going to draw I. The walls but you’re certainly not going to have to consider her or what u do in the house. Not having to consider anyone else is the getaway. I’d sit with her and make that clear. Tell her she’s fab but you need this rest from everyone, your marriage does. You get she’s lonely (and lonely is Awful isn’t it) so love her to stay for 2 nights thank u very much then we need own time. Less damage and seriously lean in and on ask her for a cup of tea. Very nicely but nevertheless let her feel useful. Life is short.

Give over @mumsterplus1

I am sorry you are in that situation, but you are projecting here.
The OP has been very clear that her situation is nothing like that.

@mumsterplus1

I would also change your mobile no. So she can’t phone you, I personally refuse to deal with mil, she is my partners relative not mine, I especially hate it when they arrange to visit and he doesn’t take time off work to deal with, I flatly refuse to engage and usually try to get away , as they drive me nuts, and always outstay their welcome, have absolutely nothing in common, as do t respect people just for how much money they earn, and dislike thick, racist snobs. Needless to say I always get a migraine every time they visit, as feel have to bite my tongue to preserve the peace x

Wow! You really don't like them, do you?

“HighlandCowbag

What Id do is see how long she plans on staying, offer for you and dh to sleep om the sofa tonight and see what she says. Say it's not fair on the dcs to suffer and lose their rooms.

If she accepts but then says she will go home tomorrow then fair enough. She will either flounce or offer to go home graciously or accept. In the morning say the sofa is too uncomfortable to sleep on for a week so either you all go home or she sleeps on the sofa for the week.”

Well done HighlandCowbag, that’s a ind and diplomatic solution.

@Dnaltocs l would make her understand working from home, if she hadn’t grasped it so far. I wouldn’t be answering my personal phone or the door during work hours. The realities of working from home is a chat and a cup of tea outside of lunch break, means working late to make up the time. It is the MIL’s problem, as she’s riding roughshod over other people and it’s not all about her

Sounds like something my Mum did when we rented her house which was near the coast and her friends. Used to tell us she was staying despite us paying mortgage. An ugly situation! Think if she is unable to accept you need family time you just need to stop using the holiday home. She’s clearly a control freak and selfish to boot!

How horrible. Poor you. I would rather not have a holiday than land in that situation. To me a holiday is about freedom. Not having to accommodate anyone else's demands or requirements outside the family for just that bit of time.

Where are DH siblings? Does she do this to them? Maybe DH needs to have a word with them as it all seems to fall on you

This is something my dm would do. Thankfully she doesn't have a holiday home.

Ultimatum time, either she goes or you all do.

Don't use the holiday home again & have firm boundaries for contact particularly when your working from home.
Don't answer the door or your phone, ignore, ignore, ignore

I think the MIL left this morning

If shes lonely tell her to get a dog. Its rude to turn up uninvited even if it is her house

@burritofan

Borrow a tent and have a couple of nights away cheaply with DH later in the year let her bunk in with you for the night. Please combine these two frankly insane pieces of advice and have a night in a tent with just you and MIL.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Mil is BU to 'surprise' you, but as she's upset I'd let her stay the night and go home tomorrow.

I can't get my head around the people who think it's a hardship for two teenagers to sleep in the living room for a night.

By using the too right hand side funnel button you can see all of the OPs posts. Might be helpful for those posting no longer relevant advice when OP fully updated on the situation this morning.

Can you o look at her stay one night abc tell she needs to go tomorrow morning.. early… really early…. Before you get up

Feel for you, YANBU for feeling so cross. She should check herself in a b&b for the night or take taxi home. What a manipulative MIL.

Seriously people READ THE THREAD - or at least the OP's posts!