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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About MILs holiday home

442 replies

strengthinnumber · 02/08/2021 20:35

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/08/2021 20:27

She is out of order arriving when there isn't really any room. But in general you do sound a bit ungrateful and barely tolerate her in your house. So stop accepting favours. That would be the fairest thing under the circumstances.

Lapun · 03/08/2021 20:28

The nickname means old in another language. I understand your MiL. She is obviously alone and loves her family. She is lonely and wants to be loved. It seems to me that many of you have no idea how lonely you can feel in old age. The person whose eyes rolled when someone sympathised with the MiL deserves to be left alone when old. I am 87 am a widow who had an amazing marriage and I am a woman who has lived in many parts of the world and currently I live in the Caribbean. My three children are constantly concerned for me so I don’t have the problems the MiL in this thread has.
Some of you may learn that old age can be very trying. Your mother brought you into the world and hopefully raised you to be decent human beings. Some of you do not come across like that. Many of you sound like spoilt brats. If I was the MiL I would know where I was not wanted and give my time snd my money to people who were interested in me and my life.

I am probably the oldest member here so this is just my viewpoint.

Viviennemary · 03/08/2021 20:32

My sentiments exactly Lapun. Couldn't agree more.

sympatico1 · 03/08/2021 20:46

My sentiments too Lapun many of the outraged posters on this thread will be MILs themselves one day - all I can say is 'do as you would be done by'.

JBSA · 03/08/2021 20:53

I think the very best option would be for you to leave MiL in your room for the night and allow her to look after four teenagers and you and your husband go off to a romantic hotel for the night. By the morning, she may actually prefer to go home.

I too am old, probably not so old as Lapun but I reckon MiL is younger than I. If she's still driving around the country she is young enough to start making new friends and doing some stuff either on her own or with friends her own age. I don't feel sorry for her - we all feel lonely at times, even if we are in a relationship. I should never dream of turning up like she has. She sounds selfish and manipulative to me rather than a poor lonely old woman. In fact, if she is lonely it might be to do with her having no friends - I wonder why? I say this because you said she was moving the kids out of their bedroom... not on! She doesn't seem to be making any apology. How embarrassing for your teenagers in front of their friends.

Don't be fooled, us old folk don't necessarily get better with age...

lcl · 03/08/2021 21:05

Sorry but she sounds lonely and you sound unreasonable and pretty selfish. It’s her home after all. I make a big effort with my in laws for my husbands sake and my children. They can be very difficult but no one is here forever. Family is very important and that can require humility.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 03/08/2021 21:09

Just wanted to say, OP, that you sound amazing.

Mumsnet (like a lot of online life) is often so binary, but this has been a great thread reflecting the complexities and light and shade of real life. There was no villain and you’re a great DIL, but with boundaries and limitations (like all well balanced people). Your DH’s family sound awesome in many ways. And lots of us would love a family who have our backs.

Thank you for sharing real life. It’s a great antidote to so much on here.

Porcupineintherough · 03/08/2021 21:38

Anti-climatic is good OP. Mumsnet loves a good ltb/go NC but -in real life - people and relationships are generally more complicated.

KaptainKaveman · 03/08/2021 21:44

I'm sorry but the OP sounds unbelievably entitled snd grabby.

AnnieSnap · 03/08/2021 21:51

@PiffleWiffleWoozle

I understand where you are coming from but I don’t agree she’s horribly selfish, she sounds generous and lonely and a bit over keen to join in.
This ☝️ She sounds well meaning and lonely. Maybe she will go home tomorrow. If she doesn’t, I’d say try to make the best of it. Be kind on holiday, but firmer about the visits at home, so they are less frequent and shorter. When she comes around and plants herself at the table, state in a friendly, but firm tone that you are working and can’t chat. That you’re sorry, but you need to be alone to get on with it. If you have just gone along with it and made her those cups of tea, she will have got the message that it’s fine. Good luck!
Doodlebug71 · 03/08/2021 21:55

@KaptainKaveman If your dh really was so traumatised by the place he wouldn't be going there would he? You're an expert in trauma, are you? (Clearly not, but...)

SayWhatNow002 · 03/08/2021 22:14

I'm really glad it all worked out.
Deffo worth having a think about making a TikTok reenactment of this whole scenario..! 😂

Doodlebug71 · 03/08/2021 22:20

@Lapun. Some of you may learn that old age can be very trying. Your mother brought you into the world and hopefully raised you to be decent human beings. That old chestnut? The MIL should also be a decent human being, and respect her son and DIL's boundaries and work committments.

Some couples both work from home. Both are responsible for making ends meet, and for keeping that ship floating. If that ship flounders, they have to deal with the consequences, not MIL or anyone else.

This old lady already insists that her son is a working man and cannot be disturbed, but the DIL working from home can indeed be disturbed. That's not right. MIL in this situation needs to respect the boundaries. It reads as if she pushes those boundaries/refuses to respect them. Constantly.

Turning up at a holiday cottage and making the kids move out of their rooms? MIL in his scenario sounds like a narc, or at the very least, a totally self- centred person.

Simcat · 03/08/2021 22:37

@strengthinnumber
Just a question and more curious … if this was your mum would you feel the same. I’m a mil and have 2 sons and have found that I love my daughter-in-laws but I’m finding that it’s 1 rule for one mum and another for your in law and I find this upsetting as I bend over backward to makesure I don’t give advice in case it upsets, equal presents for both sets and don’t drop by in case it causes issues. Yet my daughter in laws mums are allowed to the opposite and as much as my sons say it’s not fair they won’t rock the boat. Not having a go but just seeing if it would be different if this was your mum rather than mil. Xx

2Rebecca · 03/08/2021 22:39

I agree doodlebug71. My son is in his 20s and I wouldn't turn up without checking he was in and I don't expect his girlfriend to entertain me. That is very misogynistic. I'm near retirement age but don't feel that my children are there to entertain me and be my hobby whether it suits them or not. If I had a holiday home and lent it to family members I wouldn't expect them to have me tagging along on every holiday as payment for them using the house. I'd find that idea depressing

MidsummerMimi · 03/08/2021 22:55

We need: MILs The Musical
Smile

Clymene · 03/08/2021 23:18

I don't care how old she is. Boundaries should be respected. The MIL has zero respect for the OP's job or time and has chosen to insinuate herself on her son's family holiday.

I can promise you I won't behave so badly when I'm her age.

saraclara · 03/08/2021 23:25

@Lapun OP has already said that they see MIL at least once a week for a meal and that she comes round to their house for a cuppa very often (unfortunately when OP and her DH are working from home, but still up to now they've put up with it)

That is far more than many DMs and DMILs see their families, and no-one should not have to feel sorry for her (incidentally I am also a widowed DM and DMIL). I'm lucky that my DDs live near enough for us to meet up weekly for a coffee or a walk, but if I'm lonely at other times, then it's down to me, and not them, to occupy me.

We try to have a holiday or break together when we can, but no way would I invade a holiday that they and their partners have planned and not invited me on. And that would not change if I had a property that they were spending their own family time in.

saraclara · 03/08/2021 23:27

no-one should not have to feel sorry for her

Ugh. Sloppy editing
No-one should not have to feel sorry for her

billy1966 · 03/08/2021 23:36

@Clymene

I don't care how old she is. Boundaries should be respected. The MIL has zero respect for the OP's job or time and has chosen to insinuate herself on her son's family holiday.

I can promise you I won't behave so badly when I'm her age.

Absolutely this.

She knows well what she is doing but doesn't care.

She is utterly focused on HER needs.

If that means she disturbs the OP at work, 3 times a week, so be it.

She knows well not to disturb her son.

She sounds like a massive PITA and selfish to boot.

The OP is a saint to put up with her rudeness.

She will end up as her carer if she does not cop on and establish some basic boundaries.

Marriedatfirstyear · 04/08/2021 00:16

Taking the MIL aspect out of it, this wouldn't be ok even of it were a friend. I have a friend house-sitting at my place whilst I'm away. It's a holiday for her and her partner. I wouldn't show up unexpectedly on the premise of joining them. She should have asked if she can join you or given some notice. It's her place but she essentially lent it to you. It's an unfortunate situation but yanbu at all.

saraclara · 04/08/2021 00:26

I'm staying, free of charge, in a flat in a seaside town, owned by some friends who only use it in the winter as they have a caravan locally for the summer. I arranged to meet them for a walk today, and though we arranged to meet here, they very deliberately waited outside, even though I asked if they wanted to come in. Same when we said goodbye.

They wouldn't even enter their own property for a few seconds, because it's 'mine' for the week.

Localocal · 04/08/2021 00:30

That sounds very annoying, but don't pack in the holiday - it's not fair to the kids, who had nothing to do with this kerfuffle. I'm sure the boys would rather sleep on the sofa and have their holiday than go home. Maybe when she wakes up to a sitting room full of teenage boy she will realise seven's a crowd and go home.

I'm thinking go along with this week for the kids and then ask if you and DH can have the house for a weekend (or week) alone in the autumn and would she stay with the kids at yours. She owes you a week of country chilling, and if you and DH WFH you don't even need to take time off.

MakeMathsFun · 04/08/2021 01:15

@Blossomtoes

But it's her house. And she lost rental money lending it to us when uk holidays are at a premium

Exactly. You haven’t got a leg to stand on. Either you go home or suck it up. At least you know you’ll never be in this position again because this is your last holiday there, isn’t it?

True, however the MIL has to understand that everyone has the right to 'time out' with independent personal space - without feeling offended. Furthermore, PRIOR TO GOING, the DH had a chat with her: "He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her." So, she had agreed it, but then totally ignored him - and without any consideration for the fact that there may be no space for her. It seems to me that the MIL (despite being very generous) is very clingy, egocentric and lacks empathy. I think the DH has to have another chat with her, explaining that such repeated behaviour could result in reduced visitation rights.
SpindleWhorl · 04/08/2021 01:18

She’s a lonely older lady

lonely old lady

Oh give over, she's probably my age.