About MILs holiday home

[strengthinnumber]

MIL has a holiday home in a nice part of the UK. We usually stay there with her for one week a year and DHs siblings and their families do likewise. She rents it the rest of the time.

This year due to Corona we didn't want to do our usual foreign holiday so MIL offered (we didn't ask!) an extra week this summer for us to go. Now I had reservations. She's a well meaning woman but we're very different. We also live 10 mins from her so see her at least once a week for dinner or Sunday lunch. She also pops round a lot which is wearing when I work from home. Weirdly she "doesn't want to disturb DH" but is fine sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me to make her a cuppa. (Yes I have spoken to DH about this. Yes he's in agreement it's not on. Yes he did speak to her. She's paid no attention. That is a thread for a different time.)

Basically I see a lot of her.

So I asked DH to tactfully find out if she expected to come as well and if she did then to make an excuse because I can't face a whole week with her in summer on top of the week we will be having with her next half term. He chatted with her, mentioned that we really needed some family time to do water sports (which she hates) and surprisingly she told us to go ahead without her.

Dd is 16 and DS 14. They each asked if they could bring a friend and the place has room so I checked with MIL "We might ask a couple of the children's friends to come. Would that be ok?" She said fine.

So. We got here Saturday. It's very nice. I'm thinking happy thoughts about how generous this is of her. We came back from the beach 3 hours ago and SHE'S HERE. Apparently she had a boring, lonely weekend, felt sad so decided to surprise us. Thing is there's no room. It's a 3 bed place. Dd and friend, Ds and friend and DH and I. She really put out by this despite us asking about the friends and despite her not telling us she was coming.

DH found her getting DS and his friend to move their things into the living room to sleep on the sofas and he got really cross with her. They sat in her car on the drive while he told her she should have checked and she then stormed in grabbed her stuff and announced she was leaving as she hadn't realised she'd be so unwanted.

We let her go.

She came back 20 mins later saying she was too upset to do the drive and is now sitting sniffling in the lounge.

So onto the AIBU. It's her house. Its generous of her to lend it us for free. She's always come with us before so probably didn't think to check. The thing is I'm just so unreasonably mad with her. I've seen her at least 3 times a week for the past 18 months and I'm done. I'm about to tell DH that she leave or I do which will put him in an awful position. Do I have the right to be this cross? I'm currently in the car in a pub car park with the kids eating chicken and chips (no seating because we hadn't prebooked) but I will have to go home soon.

Not a bundle of laughs for the other kids involved and I don't think it sounds delightful at all, tinkly laugh stuff etc. MiL and siblings seem manipulative but I think the main thing is you all seem to have enjoyed it.

Maybe book more holidays there in future not less?!

@DishingOutDone

Not a bundle of laughs for the other kids involved and I don't think it sounds delightful at all, tinkly laugh stuff etc. MiL and siblings seem manipulative but I think the main thing is you all seem to have enjoyed it.

Maybe book more holidays there in future not less?!

I’d bet the visiting kids enjoyed it immensely. They’ll go home and say “Guess what happened on our holiday?” To which their mum will reply “I know. I read all about it on MN” 😂

I'm glad it all worked out with minimum drama.

YANBU - she sounds like a manipulative nightmare - all that crying and carrying on. She either lets you use it how you want to or you don't go and I am sure you wouldn't have if you knew this would happen. To do it when the friends are there is ridiculous and embarrassing for your poor dc.

Tell her she can babysit tonight whilst you and Dh go out for dinner.

Leave her all the breakfast pots to clear up in the morning, ask her to be a sweetie and run the vacuum around as she makes the beds as you go out to do water sports for the day.

Ask her if she’d mind cooking when you get home, you’re simply exhausted.
Go out for dinner the next night but without inviting her.

Send her to the shops for more milk and bread.
In short make her week as miserable as she’s making yours!

@SamVimes6

Tell her she can babysit tonight whilst you and Dh go out for dinner.

Leave her all the breakfast pots to clear up in the morning, ask her to be a sweetie and run the vacuum around as she makes the beds as you go out to do water sports for the day.

Ask her if she’d mind cooking when you get home, you’re simply exhausted.
Go out for dinner the next night but without inviting her.

Send her to the shops for more milk and bread.
In short make her week as miserable as she’s making yours!

She's gone!

I think the final response was perfect. In these situations, rigidly sticking to ‘rights’ doesn’t get you anywhere really, and you need to ensure positive relationships moving into the future. You’re right Op that there’s a time and place to address the issues that have arisen.

You can see from you strong reaction, which has subsequently shocked you, that you really do need space from MiL. That’s an issue at home and not just on holiday, so your and DH need to talk about how you can deal with the impromptu drop-ins. It is the regularity with which you see her and need for a break that made you feel as you did when you saw her.
And re her being manipulative and needy, well she will probably continue to be needy and if she’s been allowed for 50+ years to have her own way always, she isn’t suddenly going to stop being needy or to try to get her own way. You can be sympathetic to a lonely old lady, can’t you and you can cut her some slack and probably a bit more than necessary, but at the same time establish some basic boundaries. It’s so hard when it’s a MiL and not your own M. Much if this really will need to come from DH and often the difficulty is that the DH/son isn’t really prepared to have the difficult conversation with his mother, especially if she might cry.

It reminds me of my own DM and Grandmother who lived 5 min walk away. GM was widowed and lonely and pretty demanding and expected to see her DS every week. It was all very tricky and compounded by the onset of alchzeimers which resulted in GM sometimes coming round to our house more than 20 times in a day, as she simply couldn’t remember that she’d already been. My Mum was at home and would have to hide and not open the door after she’d spoken to her. Sometimes she would have her in for a cup of tea and other times just chat on the doorstep but would have to be very firm that GM couldn’t come in and she was busy. There were tears and even attempts by GM to push her way in …..but she was ill. It was awful because she was so confused and my DM bore most of it as father (the son) was at work most of the time. It out a serious strain in the relationship between my Karen’s as my father found it very difficult to address and GM would cry and be quite manipulative with him. All very difficult.

Anyway, although you think holiday might not be the time to talk about it, actually give it a few days to die down and then perhaps it is a good time….you have time and space to think and talk and make a bit of a plan with DH for the way forward….and finding that time and space isn’t always easy at home. You will have to eat a lush some boundaries for your own sanity….they can be generous and kind boundaries, but they need to be there and you will have to be firm in establishing and sticking to them. Your DH needs to undsratmd how important this is to you.

@DishingOutDone

Not a bundle of laughs for the other kids involved and I don't think it sounds delightful at all, tinkly laugh stuff etc. MiL and siblings seem manipulative but I think the main thing is you all seem to have enjoyed it.

Maybe book more holidays there in future not less?!

Are you kidding? Those kids will be made up; what a story to tell the guys . "You'll never guess what their mad family did... I thought any minute now Mr Strength was going to make me sleep with the Granny" It'll go down in history. Probably all over youtube already.

Strength, you are an amazing woman and your DH and his family are very lucky to have you.. I really admire how you turned round this awful situation with such good humour and everyone survived.

But I hafta tell you, when MIL privately apologised for intruding on your" marital make or break holiday" (with 4 teens) I just howled and howled with laughter.

BIL must be a truly gifted liar/actor

@Feelingoktoday

She sounds lonely. You can’t make your husband choose between his mum and you that is a terrible thing to do. It sounds like she likes you and wants to chat when she pops round for a cup of tea.

I get on with my partners mum and quite happy to have a week with her. Same as I would if my mum was alive.

Good for you but the OP has made it clear that although MIL is a lovely enough person, she is not someone OP wants to spent lots of time with...and she has spent A LOT of time with her recently. 3 x a week! It is great for you that you could spend endless amounts of time with your MIL but some people can't and in this instance, the OP can't without feeling stressed/put out/not feeling the holiday spirit.

I think it will be interesting to see how things pan out with your mil going forward once she has returned home and had time to think how that event turned out.
Tbh at the end of the day you are not responsible for her social life and perhaps you are all at fault for not making that clear years ago, gently of course. She should not expect to be included in everything.
As children grow up as you are experiencing relationships evolve and family life alters as in your own children probably do not want her around and included in everything.
Good luck with your boundaries and relationship going forward.

YANBU, but your DH needs to sort it, and to be fair it does sound as if he is fully on your side.

Unfortunately very often these generous gifts from parents and ILs come with a massive downside and are usually just a form of manipulation and control.

@BlueMongoose totally these. It’s never great having these conversations but they need to be done. To try to prevent future stress and upset. Plus having to sleep on sofas

It’s not putting him in awkward position. He is gate keeper and needs to say you are unreasonable or she is.
Your MIL has caused issue and maybe he suggests she stays on sofa but as it’s holiday for you that was agreed she really needs to give you space.

I don’t think YABU.

I think you need to set some healthier boundaries - no unexpected visits, no visiting during working hours etc.

Must be a shock when you think that you are well liked & your presence turns out to be so unwanted!

You can be well liked and still be aware enough to realise that no-one wants your company 24/7. Just look at the number of couples who found adjustment difficult during the pandemic when they had to start spending 24 hours a day in the same building as their dh / dw. I am fortunate enough to have some really lovely friends and really lovely extended family member who I love spending time with. It is really crucial that it is some of my life. I would soon go off them if any of them wanted all of my life.

User44 don't be daft. The OP has come across really well in her posts.

Really LtDansieg ? I'd have said "Ooh. Keep me posted". As, at 14 , I know all of my dc had a resilience and common sense. Well, I mean they wouldn't have phoned me to tell me that anyway. They have better manners than to go tittle tattling on someone else's upset and running to Mum.

Totally agree @Skiptheheartsandflowers Great post.
@Blossomtoes Brilliant

Thanks for updating strengthinnumber. Great to have a happy ending.

Great outcomes op and I don't blame you re Mil, even the most loved parent needs to realise people want their space.
Every Mil needs a good daughter to reason with them!!
Imagine how many Mil! Dil issues would be eradicated if the daughter could step in and talk some sense.

To me sounds like typical mil and son behaviour, personally I would explain to her exactly how embarrassing this situation is vis a vis kids friends, put the guilt trip on her, and yes if she insists on staying explain that you will have to sleep on sofa, rather than embarrass yourself re other people’s kids. Then, once you get home don’t have her round, make sure the door bell is ‘ faulty’ so you can’t hear it, and never ever holiday with her again xx

P. S. Sound like extremely manipulative behaviour, which personally I wouldn’t stand for x

Arf blossoms toes or..

The sun.

@SamVimes6

Tell her she can babysit tonight whilst you and Dh go out for dinner.

Leave her all the breakfast pots to clear up in the morning, ask her to be a sweetie and run the vacuum around as she makes the beds as you go out to do water sports for the day.

Ask her if she’d mind cooking when you get home, you’re simply exhausted.
Go out for dinner the next night but without inviting her.

Send her to the shops for more milk and bread.
In short make her week as miserable as she’s making yours!

That's one way to guarantee that you will never holiday in that house again. If that's what the OP wants, she should go for it

I would also change your mobile no. So she can’t phone you, I personally refuse to deal with mil, she is my partners relative not mine, I especially hate it when they arrange to visit and he doesn’t take time off work to deal with, I flatly refuse to engage and usually try to get away , as they drive me nuts, and always outstay their welcome, have absolutely nothing in common, as do t respect people just for how much money they earn, and dislike thick, racist snobs. Needless to say I always get a migraine every time they visit, as feel have to bite my tongue to preserve the peace x

SilverBirchWithout

A local b&b is a good idea.

To me sounds like typical mil and son behaviour,

Is it bollocks @mumsterplus1. Give over with your ridiculous generalisations.

Can never understand why when people know they’re not wanted, still deliberately impinge on others privacy/ together time…. The mind boggles… I mean, thick or what? or the hide of a rhino? Or just enjoy upsetting everyone?