Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pay for everything and he’s asking for 4K

235 replies

Fridacat · 02/08/2021 12:01

Posting here for traffic

Partner helped me with a deposit for a house over a year ago it was 4K I have given some money back 1K but tbh he never really said at the time he wanted it back

Backstory we have one 6 year old child together who has autism been together 18 years but decided to live apart as we both like space he owns his own home and me and my son would live together

I pay for everything food rent bills my sons clothes literally everything. He pays for the odd McDonald’s happy meal and brings our son out which I am very grateful for as sometimes I need that break as I cannot cope at times. He’s is also filthy and I’m one of those who likes my house to be spotless

He has yet again told me today he wants the money back at a rate of 100.00 a month and is refusing to leave the home he’s been here since the start of lockdown which as I said above is great at times because I get a break when he takes our son out

I’m on universal credit and my son gets DLA I’ve never told his father I receive DLA or carers for our son as he would literally take the money from me he has always been very mean.

What am I asking is what would you do aibu to not give him 4K back over a period of time or should I just pay him I don’t know where the arsehole thinks I’m going to get the money from he obviously thinks I shit money.

He’s basically been living here rent free he owns his own house outright so he doesn’t have to pay a mortgage and he works he doesn’t buy our son clothes or anything

He has money he doesn’t have to work but got a job in the area I live in behind my back and told me 24/48 hours before he started. He’s due to be paid this week 2k yet he’s still abusing me about this money I ‘owe’ him

After typing this he really is a cunt in total it was 5K I’ve given him back 1K which he said I didn’t give back even when I proved I did with my bank statements

I literally cannot afford to pay back this money and tbh why should I he literally has been living rent free eating here for free gets his washing done etc

I don’t need any flaming please I’ve been crying in bed and recently come off my antidepressants and I’ll probably have to go back on them now due to the shit he is giving me about this money

OP posts:
Strikethrough · 02/08/2021 16:24

OP, ring Women's Aid. He is abusing you. This is not good for your son.

Let them help you make a plan to get him out of the house. Imagine how much better life will be without him in it!

Horehound · 02/08/2021 16:37

i've told him before I was going to put in a claim for child maintenance he either says go on then

So why don't you just do that?
He doesn't get a choice whether he is staying with you...fucking kick him out!

Kanaloa · 02/08/2021 16:39

Kick him out, get child maintenance sorted and agree to pay him back out of that at a very small rate, like £25 a month. But prioritise getting him out of the house first.

And learn a lesson from it, it’s never a good idea to borrow huge amounts of money with no communication on how it’s to be paid back or whether it’s a loan or a gift. Also you shouldn’t be oh so grateful to him for occasionally taking his son out of the house. He is his father and there needs to be more solid arrangements for sharing responsibility both financial and everyday for him.

toocold54 · 02/08/2021 16:46

It has only been a few hours, it can take a while for the reality of a situation to sink in.

You are right.
It can be very frustrating to hear stories like this and the OP not do anything about it but it’s not easy for someone to break away when they genuinely believe they have no control over the situation.

SixesAndEights · 02/08/2021 16:50

To be absolutely honest if the UC people catch wind of him living there with you without them knowing you will be in for a world of pain. Not least from all the money you will have to pay back. A conviction for benefit fraud is not something you want.

This. If you've been overpaid more than £5000 since he moved himself in, they will prosecute.

emmetgirl · 02/08/2021 16:53

He needs to fuck off. Kick him out, change the locks and put a child maintenance claim in. Can't believe the CFuckery

chaosrabbitland · 02/08/2021 17:05

focus first on getting him out of the house , if he starts getting all aggresive about it ,thats what the police are there for , hes going to have to commute to visit his child just like all the countless non resident mums and dads up and down the country , originally you were living seperatly anyway , he only moved in during lockdown , hes only coming out with the excuses not to go back to his house now because hes so nice and comfy at yours

the only difference would be in you booting him out is that you would be not a couple any more , i presume not anyway , hes sounds bloody awful , tight and controlling ,it does not sound like much of one at the moment , your not even sharing a bed roon id rather be on my own with my son
unless theres something in writing about the money ,he cant force you to pay it back at a rate you cant afford , id be offering him summit along the lines of a tenner a month , hes currently contributing nothing towards his childs upkeep . so its madness to let him bully you into skinting yourself to stop him going on.

Bollindger · 02/08/2021 17:25

Lock the door, and text him that he isn't welcome .
Honestly, if he arrives and frightens you call the police, do not let him in.
Cold turkey is all you can do.
Tell him you won't be paying him back, that he owes you more than that and please get child support. Free yourself.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/08/2021 17:40

He doesn't legally live there, so you can ask the police to remove him.

YeokensYegg · 02/08/2021 18:01

Let's try not to be so harsh.

It's clear OP has been beaten down over time by this arse.
Maybe he has threatened her? We don't know. There is some fear there about this.

LaraDecouvrie · 02/08/2021 18:04

Joining all the others here... kick the bastard out. And get claiming CMS. He is the ultimate cocklodger

LaraDecouvrie · 02/08/2021 18:18

And you don’t owe him any money!!!

ShimmyYay · 02/08/2021 18:44

I’m so shocked at what I just read! This is horrific , you poor thing! It’s time to find some strength and kick him out girl !

SD1978 · 02/08/2021 18:47

S much as he's an arse and taken advantage of you, you've allowed that. To now arbitrarily decide feck it you can't have the money you loaned me back doesn't sit well with me. You've chosen to allow him to stay there with no financial contribution- you paying for him was not a way to even out the debt. Claim CS, your name is on the tenancy so make him leave, and pay him back what you agreed to borrow, it was never a gift.

bluelemming · 02/08/2021 18:48

You clearly don't like him or have any respect for him (unsurprisingly, I wouldn't either) so why on earth are you in a relationship with him?

Naunet · 02/08/2021 18:56

@SD1978

S much as he's an arse and taken advantage of you, you've allowed that. To now arbitrarily decide feck it you can't have the money you loaned me back doesn't sit well with me. You've chosen to allow him to stay there with no financial contribution- you paying for him was not a way to even out the debt. Claim CS, your name is on the tenancy so make him leave, and pay him back what you agreed to borrow, it was never a gift.
OP has been very clear that it was never set out as a loan. She just thought giving him a grand back was a nice thing to do. Meanwhile this PoS isn’t even contributing towards the cost of his own son. She doesn’t owe him a penny.
Cherrysoup · 02/08/2021 19:20

Be strong, kick him out. If he won’t go, get the police who will take his keys off him. I’m not sure why you’re losing him to stay? Stop doing anything for h8m, tell him he buys anything he eats/uses from now on. He’s unbelievably cheeky asking you for money back. Tell him to fuck off, get him out, go through cms for proper maintenance and tell him he can go to court for access. I don’t know why you’re tolerating this. Please do the freedom course!

GettingItOutThere · 02/08/2021 20:05

kick him out.

you are on the tenancy, just kick him out. no agreement to pay him back this money. no paper trail?

Claim CMS and change the locks, end of story,

NowEvenBetter · 02/08/2021 22:27

What on earth are you doing with your life? Jfc.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/08/2021 22:32

If you get investigated by benefits you're fucked as you claim as a single parent while he's living with you. Wake up!!!

AmberIsACertainty · 03/08/2021 01:25

I wouldn't be surprised if he's rented out his house. If he has OP, you still don't have to have him live with you and you don't have to give him any notice to move out. He has no right to live in your home, not for any reason at all.

If you need to call police to get him out, make sure you tell them you never asked him to move in, never wanted him to move in. Because I'm guessing him moving in during lockdown wasn't your decision. I say that mainly because you don't seem capable of making any decisions at the moment and you're doing whatever he says or wants or agrees to. You don't want the police trying to persuade you to let him stay "just for tonight" or whatever. Not that you'd have to do what the police said, you wouldn't, but they might try asking if you'd let him stay a bit longer if he tells them you're being unreasonable and he's got else to go etc and you don't need that pressure on you. When he's gone make sure you tell the neighbors he doesn't live there any more, too. You don't want him getting one of them to help him break in by telling them he's forgotten his keys or something.

Borntobedifferent · 03/08/2021 01:56

Agreed re benefit fraud. The thing is , it will be you that is arrested, you that's in the local paper etc. Not him.

Vanilla1Cookies · 03/08/2021 02:52

Jesus Christ just call the police and kick him out.

Vanilla1Cookies · 03/08/2021 02:53

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

If you get investigated by benefits you're fucked as you claim as a single parent while he's living with you. Wake up!!!
And this. You are already committing benefit fraud.
RightYesButNo · 03/08/2021 03:17

200 people have told you to just kick him out, and it’s clear you can’t. Please call Women’s Aid as soon as possible, explain the situation, and that you need help getting him out. The 4K doesn’t matter in that part; he needs to go or you could lose almost everything. What others are saying about you being charged for benefits fraud even though he’s the one who has emotionally wrecked you and made you feel unable to kick him out of your own home, is true. If you’re “caught” due to someone in the close getting nosy or him making someone angry/jealous/etc before you get a chance to start the process with Womens Aid, it could be disastrous for you and your son. Do NOT worry about the 4K and the loan and his shite. DO focus on getting him out of your house and paying child maintenance with the support of Womens Aid. Good luck, OP.