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AIBU?

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Original poster

I pay for everything and he’s asking for 4K

235 replies

Fridacat · 02/08/2021 12:01

Posting here for traffic

Partner helped me with a deposit for a house over a year ago it was 4K I have given some money back 1K but tbh he never really said at the time he wanted it back

Backstory we have one 6 year old child together who has autism been together 18 years but decided to live apart as we both like space he owns his own home and me and my son would live together

I pay for everything food rent bills my sons clothes literally everything. He pays for the odd McDonald’s happy meal and brings our son out which I am very grateful for as sometimes I need that break as I cannot cope at times. He’s is also filthy and I’m one of those who likes my house to be spotless

He has yet again told me today he wants the money back at a rate of 100.00 a month and is refusing to leave the home he’s been here since the start of lockdown which as I said above is great at times because I get a break when he takes our son out

I’m on universal credit and my son gets DLA I’ve never told his father I receive DLA or carers for our son as he would literally take the money from me he has always been very mean.

What am I asking is what would you do aibu to not give him 4K back over a period of time or should I just pay him I don’t know where the arsehole thinks I’m going to get the money from he obviously thinks I shit money.

He’s basically been living here rent free he owns his own house outright so he doesn’t have to pay a mortgage and he works he doesn’t buy our son clothes or anything

He has money he doesn’t have to work but got a job in the area I live in behind my back and told me 24/48 hours before he started. He’s due to be paid this week 2k yet he’s still abusing me about this money I ‘owe’ him

After typing this he really is a cunt in total it was 5K I’ve given him back 1K which he said I didn’t give back even when I proved I did with my bank statements

I literally cannot afford to pay back this money and tbh why should I he literally has been living rent free eating here for free gets his washing done etc

I don’t need any flaming please I’ve been crying in bed and recently come off my antidepressants and I’ll probably have to go back on them now due to the shit he is giving me about this money

OP posts:
toocold54 · 02/08/2021 14:41

Benefit fraud

I wonder if you lose your benefits or get kicked out your home he’d put you and your son up rent free? I very much doubt it!

The first thing you need to do is get him out of your house!
After that you can sort out cms and him giving you a proper break from your son.
Him being in the same house is not a proper break.
Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this I don’t understand. You need to start standing up for yourself and not let him treat you like such a mug.

AmberIsACertainty · 02/08/2021 14:44

He will not help you if your benefits are stopped, then you’d really be in the shit.

She'd be in worse shit than that. Benefits won't just be stopped. All the benefits she's been paid since he's lived there, that she shouldn't have been entitled to because he was living there, she'll have to pay those benefits back plus a hefty fine on top. And they'll prosecute, so she'll have a criminal record and some sort of sentence too. She's literally ruining her life having him live there.

PearlFriday · 02/08/2021 14:48

I know somebody in Ireland who went to the DEASP and told them herself that her ''partner'' was blackmailing her and she couldn't get him out of the house. She told them that yes there was a man living in the house but not a man who ever contributed so much as half of a red cent and she was trying to get him to leave but he not only refused point blank but was blackmailing her, threatening to tell the DEASP on her. So she marched in and told them herself. Luckily they linked her up with services to get him out of the house. He'd planned to stay for ever by blackmailing her.

Taliskerskye · 02/08/2021 14:49

I mean he can’t come after the money unless he takes you to court and he can’t
And you can change the locks
And you can apply for CM
so that’s where you need to start

Bookworm20 · 02/08/2021 14:50

@Couchbettato

If he gave you the money and didn't stipulate it was a loan, then it will be dealt with as a gift.

He can't ask for gifted money back. And if he took it to court theyd say as much.

This. He gifted it to help you put a roof over his childs head. Not at all unreasonable. If there nothing stating its a loan, if you didn't sign anything and he simply transferred you money, then its a gift. And to be honest if he took it to court, they'd look at it like this also, as no proof it was a loan and also he is the father of the child living there and he has money to burn, unlike you.

Not sure how you are going to get him out, but surely you want him out of your house and out of your life (except for visitation with your son)?

If he isn't contributing anything to your son, then you need to start claiming child maintenance from him.

I'd personally do this before he takes any sort of legal action to recoup his 4K. Because you can simply state that he is only doing so because you are asking for maintenance for the care of his child. He will come across as selfish and vindictive.

so my advice.

  1. ask him to leave, tell him you need him gone by the end of this week
  2. Tell him he needs to start paying for his son, or you will go down the CMS route.

If he refuses to leave, as you are the only one on the tenancy agreement, you can call the police to have him removed.
Failing that, next time he goes out, lock him out anyway you can and arrange to have the locks changed. He if gets angry/violent, call the police. Its not his house.

Good luck OP, I would hate to be in your position, but I think you know you can't just carry on with it. You clearly don't like him and your life will be much easier without him.

ShowMeTheSugar · 02/08/2021 14:54

Going forward you can tell him:

  1. Its over
  2. He's no longer welcome in your home
  3. He must a fixed amount towards his son or you can go through CMS

...I'd then either agree a monthly amount you can afford, or put in writing that you're quite shocked to have been asked to return the 4k gift which you understood to be a lump sum in lieu of years worth of child payments, but that once CMS confirm the minimal expected fee and what a backpaid sum would be you'll be happy to either pay or receive the difference.

DeadButDelicious · 02/08/2021 14:56

You need to get him out of the house. If the tenancy is in your name alone then it's as simple as changing the locks and not letting him back in. You can bag up his belongings and leave them outside. He has no right to be there. He's there because you let him be there. He has a home. He can feel free to use it.

To be absolutely honest if the UC people catch wind of him living there with you without them knowing you will be in for a world of pain. Not least from all the money you will have to pay back. A conviction for benefit fraud is not something you want.

For your own sake and that of your child, get rid.

JustLyra · 02/08/2021 14:59

Benefit fraud and accompanying blackmail is actually a surprisingly common abuse tactic.

Please speak to women’s aid @Fridacat

Manista · 02/08/2021 15:00

The thing is Op - I've read all your replies and there's no indication that you have any intention to do anything about this situation. You've been warned that you're in danger of you being convicted of a crime. You've been advised that as you are the tenant you could just change the locks and put him out. It's been suggested that you invoice him for his lodgings. What are you planning to do? If anything.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 02/08/2021 15:08

Ignore the fucker and then make a claim for child maintenance support. If it’s solely your house change the locks

This, 100%

Colouringaddict · 02/08/2021 15:08

I assume you are claiming UC as a single parent? If so he cannot live with you, perfect excuse to get rid, get the locks changed and start a child maintenance claim. You can also then define the visitation he has with your child so you still get some respite.

Good luck!

MrsMiddleMother · 02/08/2021 15:18

So what are you actually going to do about it? You've commented more info how he sponges off you, pays nothing for his child or the house. You've had good advice. What's your next step?

Original poster
Fridacat · 02/08/2021 15:30

@JustLyra

Benefit fraud and accompanying blackmail is actually a surprisingly common abuse tactic.

Please speak to women’s aid @Fridacat

Thankyou
OP posts:
user16395699 · 02/08/2021 15:38

So, are you not interested in ending the abuse then?

user16395699 · 02/08/2021 15:40

@Manista

The thing is Op - I've read all your replies and there's no indication that you have any intention to do anything about this situation. You've been warned that you're in danger of you being convicted of a crime. You've been advised that as you are the tenant you could just change the locks and put him out. It's been suggested that you invoice him for his lodgings. What are you planning to do? If anything.
Exactly. Not only no intention but not interest.

Which would be entirely the op's prerogative to waste her life being abused, but there is a child also suffering this environment. That is not ok.

It is a waste of time and energy to just go on and on and on about how awful he is, but do nothing to exit the situation, and to allow people to waste time and energy trying to help when you have no intention of doing anything to help yourself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2021 15:42

you have no intention of doing anything to help yourself.

Or your child.

FamBae · 02/08/2021 15:43

@Colouringaddict

I assume you are claiming UC as a single parent? If so he cannot live with you, perfect excuse to get rid, get the locks changed and start a child maintenance claim. You can also then define the visitation he has with your child so you still get some respite.

Good luck!

100% This
SnoozyBoozy · 02/08/2021 15:55

I find this kind of thread a little frustrating tbh - he is clearly using you, which you seem aware of, he sleeps on the sofa, so not sure in what way he could be considered a partner, and you don't even seem to like him.

So why are you still putting up with him? You haven't really answered any of the PPs saying to get rid, change the locks, "dump" him (although I struggle to see how you're a couple) and put in a maintenance claim.

If he asks you for the money back again, present him with a bill for backdated rent (or any other expenses you've incurred for him living free of charge in your house) and be prepared to speak to a solicitor. He can't physically make you pay the money and if he threatens to withhold maintenance, speak to your solicitor as I doubt he could do this.

You just need to do something to change your situation, if you really want to change your situation.

QueeniesCroft · 02/08/2021 15:56

It has only been a few hours, it can take a while for the reality of a situation to sink in. Plus, the OP has a child to care for, so dashing off to obey the orders of some stroppy strangers is maybe not at the top of her list of priorities. Nobody chooses to be abused, and having got into that situation, the manipulation which allowed it to begin is not always easy to break free of.

OP, if you are still reading this thread, the police can help you- both with the abuse (possibly coercive control, which is now a crime) and also to remove him from your home safely. The sooner this is done, the sooner the weight will lift from your shoulders. Is there anyone who can come and support you?

billy1966 · 02/08/2021 15:57

Call the police to have him removed from YOUR home.

Help yourself OP.
Flowers

BluebellsGreenbells · 02/08/2021 15:59

Ring the landlord to change the locks and kick his sorry arse out - then claim child maintenance.

You have the law on your side here - you don’t have to put up with it

SafferUpNorth · 02/08/2021 16:00

OP, this is clearly about waaaayyy more than him wanting 4k back. What you've told us paints a picture of the most horrendous financial and emotional abuse. You need all the help you can get to get rid of him. Please speak to Citizen's Advice and Women's Aid. Get legal help too. Good luck Flowers

dentydown · 02/08/2021 16:04

I think he needs to pay you child support.

Peppapigforlife · 02/08/2021 16:14

Why are you putting up with it? He literally has no power over you except the power you give him in your head.

FatJan · 02/08/2021 16:23

You're in really deep here, OP. You've normalised a set of very controlling, abusive behaviours. He is clearly very manipulative, and you are going to need help. Women's Aid is the place to get it. Honestly, if you try and reason with him, he'll run rings around you.

The fact he's said he won't move out as 25 miles is 'too far to travel to see his son every day' and he's 'not paying rent' because he sleeps on the couch and you are even accepting these as 'reasons' shows how far under you are. He moves out. There's no argument. He can list his reasons and threaten you all he wants, but he moves out.

You're being completely owned by this horrible man, and you need to put a stop to it. Get yourself some help, contact Women's Aid.