Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pay for everything and he’s asking for 4K

235 replies

Fridacat · 02/08/2021 12:01

Posting here for traffic

Partner helped me with a deposit for a house over a year ago it was 4K I have given some money back 1K but tbh he never really said at the time he wanted it back

Backstory we have one 6 year old child together who has autism been together 18 years but decided to live apart as we both like space he owns his own home and me and my son would live together

I pay for everything food rent bills my sons clothes literally everything. He pays for the odd McDonald’s happy meal and brings our son out which I am very grateful for as sometimes I need that break as I cannot cope at times. He’s is also filthy and I’m one of those who likes my house to be spotless

He has yet again told me today he wants the money back at a rate of 100.00 a month and is refusing to leave the home he’s been here since the start of lockdown which as I said above is great at times because I get a break when he takes our son out

I’m on universal credit and my son gets DLA I’ve never told his father I receive DLA or carers for our son as he would literally take the money from me he has always been very mean.

What am I asking is what would you do aibu to not give him 4K back over a period of time or should I just pay him I don’t know where the arsehole thinks I’m going to get the money from he obviously thinks I shit money.

He’s basically been living here rent free he owns his own house outright so he doesn’t have to pay a mortgage and he works he doesn’t buy our son clothes or anything

He has money he doesn’t have to work but got a job in the area I live in behind my back and told me 24/48 hours before he started. He’s due to be paid this week 2k yet he’s still abusing me about this money I ‘owe’ him

After typing this he really is a cunt in total it was 5K I’ve given him back 1K which he said I didn’t give back even when I proved I did with my bank statements

I literally cannot afford to pay back this money and tbh why should I he literally has been living rent free eating here for free gets his washing done etc

I don’t need any flaming please I’ve been crying in bed and recently come off my antidepressants and I’ll probably have to go back on them now due to the shit he is giving me about this money

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 02/08/2021 12:20

@OrangeElk

Charge him backdated rent from the beginning of lockdown, does he have his own room?

Min £300 per month over 17ish months, he owes you £5100 - tell him you'll kindly take your 'debt' out of it, so he only owes you £1100, which he can pay at £100 a month - on top of continuing to pay £300 per month rent if still staying with you.

This! It’s ridiculous that you have a child together yet he still treats you like this. You deserve more (and should be claiming CMS as many others have said).
Pinkdelight3 · 02/08/2021 12:23

He's not your partner. If he was he'd be contributing equally to raising your child together and you'd be living together as a family. The reality is he's treating you like dirt and you live separate lives as much as is convenient for him (and you in some ways as he sounds vile). You need to draw a line, change from partners to co-parents, and go through CMS. As far as the 4k goes, I'd call it family money for putting roof over his son's head and it's a drop in the ocean compared to what you've spent. But the fact that you've paid some of it back might go against you if he wanted to make things difficult and I don't know if your situation is tricky in any way regarding benefits and being officially a couple or not so take all of that into account in deciding if he's worth the 3k of aggro. Regardless of that cash, look at the bigger picture and get out of this murky grey area so it's clearer what his role and contributions must be.

Original poster
Fridacat · 02/08/2021 12:23

Thankyou for the replies I agree he’s a fucking ponce puts down everything I want to buy

No it wasn’t it writing tbh I didn’t imagine a father would want the money back when he was helping me put a roof over our child’s head. He occasionally buys himself shopping and pays for it separately in the supermarket absolute tosser. He sometimes buys a loaf of bread and butter and milk for our son and expects it to still be there a week later.

Sorry my name is on the tenancy because as I said I had no idea the twat was going to be living here

OP posts:
GetTaeFuck · 02/08/2021 12:25

I would work out how much he owes you in child support and knock the 4K off that…

I guarantee he will owe you more than you owe him.

Original poster
Fridacat · 02/08/2021 12:25

Even if I did pay the twat the money back I don’t think he would leave as my mum says he has it too cushty here.

When I buy things he says why are you wasting money on that you should be paying me back

OP posts:
GetTaeFuck · 02/08/2021 12:26

You can make him leave OP, tenancy is your name only and call the police.

JustLyra · 02/08/2021 12:27

Forget the money. You need to get him out of your house

QueeniesCroft · 02/08/2021 12:27

I agree with everyone else. Get him out, claim CMS and consider the relationship over.

Nightlystroll · 02/08/2021 12:27

In regards to the house and money lent, you have acknowledged you owe him the money because you've already partially paid him back.

In regards to your son, why haven't you sorted out his child support? It's his responsibility and you're letting down your child by not getting that sorted.

In regards to your relationship, why are you wasting your time? Set up a schedule for him to have your child and get some time for yourself and a social life. He treats you how you allow him to treat you. If you don't want him there, why are you doing his washing? If there's coercion or abuse, get the police round. You're an adult who, after 12 years together, chose to have a child with this man who you don't like living with. It's time to stop crying in bed, get your finances sorted, define how you want to live your life and get on with it.

frazzledasarock · 02/08/2021 12:28

you can put a CMS claim in regardless of whether you're living in the same house

CitrusIceCream · 02/08/2021 12:29

If you need to, OP, use UC as an excuse to get him out.

Tell him that they are under the impression that you are single & all payments would stop if they knew he was staying with you. Tell him he MUST return to his own home. Once he’s gone, change the locks.

Refuse point blank to repay one more penny of the money and yes, tell him that you think it perfectly disgusting that any decent father would want to be repaid for providing a roof over his own child’s head.

Then tell him your next call is to the CMA.

Please, please take some control here. You don’t need to be crying in bed over this pathetic tosspot. You really don’t.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/08/2021 12:30

Firstly you’re grateful to him for taking “his” own child off your hands every now and then. So he damn well should be doing. This is his father why are you praising him for doing what he’s meant to do

PP is correct if there was nothing written down and signed that it was a lone and not a gift legally he won’t have a chance.
Plus the deposit could be seen as him putting a roof over his sons head.

He’s been there since the beginning of lockdown so just a little over 16 months ago.
He’s not paid so much as a chocolate gold coin or a monopoly note for any living expenses.

Plus you’ve already paid him 1K back. I think he’s more that had his 4K back, hasn’t he.

Also “he won’t go” I’d be damn hoofing him out, I can tell you.

frazzledasarock · 02/08/2021 12:32

money OP has paid back could be for anything, if there is no written loan agreement the money could have been a gift, his contribution towards housing his child, a loan he is repaying to OP could be anything.

I wouldn't pay him back a penny tell him he owes owe you for sponging off you for all this time. How much would renting somewhere have cost him over the past year?

When he steps out the house, lock the door.

username18702 · 02/08/2021 12:40

@OrangeElk

Charge him backdated rent from the beginning of lockdown, does he have his own room?

Min £300 per month over 17ish months, he owes you £5100 - tell him you'll kindly take your 'debt' out of it, so he only owes you £1100, which he can pay at £100 a month - on top of continuing to pay £300 per month rent if still staying with you.

Do this.

OP you're with a man who would take your son's DLA from you. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

HTH1 · 02/08/2021 12:40

@OrangeElk

Charge him backdated rent from the beginning of lockdown, does he have his own room?

Min £300 per month over 17ish months, he owes you £5100 - tell him you'll kindly take your 'debt' out of it, so he only owes you £1100, which he can pay at £100 a month - on top of continuing to pay £300 per month rent if still staying with you.

Yep.
IcedSpice · 02/08/2021 12:42

charge him rent / lodgings etc

and kick the fucker out

IcedSpice · 02/08/2021 12:43

Min £300 per month over 17ish months, he owes you £5100 - tell him you'll kindly take your 'debt' out of it, so he only owes you £1100, which he can pay at £100 a month - on top of continuing to pay £300 per month rent if still staying with you.

including food? £300 no chance at least double that

Hekatestorch · 02/08/2021 12:44

Morally, no I don't think you should have to pay him back.

Not really sure that's the case legally (not sure legally is right word). It's your home tell him to leave.

If he insists on chasing the 4k or now 3k, pay him it back slowly. Get him out, split with him and claim through CMS.

Unless you have something that says you were going to keep him for x amount of time to pay back the money you borrowed, I don't see how you would win that one. Its 2 different things. I do think he should let the money go though.

Just get rid of him, out of the house.

user1471538283 · 02/08/2021 12:45

You need to tell him to leave. Calculate what it has cost you to keep him all this time and deduct it from what he says you owe him. If you've spent more keeping him then he owes you - not that you will get it. I would email it to him as well to keep everything in writing.

The thing is in his head this isn't clear cut. If you had kept a running count from the beginning it would be very clear to him.

8dpwoah · 02/08/2021 12:45

Just posting to cheer you OP, I don't know the best way to do things like other posters have knowledge but it's clear you need to find a way to get him out, keep him out, and claim maintenance from him. He'll wish he'd never even mentioned that 4k by the time he's paid a few months of what he should be.

Hekatestorch · 02/08/2021 12:45

Oh he has nothing in writing either?

Nah don't pay him a penny. Still get him out of the house.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 02/08/2021 12:47

See what your legal status is regarding the money - unlikely he can get it back if no contract was signed, then bin him and claim CMA. Sod him.

LuxOlente · 02/08/2021 12:49

Is this actually a relationship? I see he lent you money. You have a child together, but do not live together. He’s an ex?

He has never paid a penny apart from ‘the odd happy meal.’ This is not a partner, right there. This isn’t a father.

He ‘brings him out for which I am grateful’? He is ‘filthy’? He would ‘take money from you as he is very mean’?

This isn’t a relationship, this is a disturbing-sounding man in your life who demands money a lot and appears to be taking advantage of someone very vulnerable.

supadupapupascupa · 02/08/2021 12:49

If you are rentingvtell him he can have it back when his son leaves home snd you move out

LuxOlente · 02/08/2021 12:49

I'm thinking a chat with Women's Aid might help, they might steer you towards advice for people in your situation. Navigating this will be tough.

Swipe left for the next trending thread