Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pay for everything and he’s asking for 4K

235 replies

Fridacat · 02/08/2021 12:01

Posting here for traffic

Partner helped me with a deposit for a house over a year ago it was 4K I have given some money back 1K but tbh he never really said at the time he wanted it back

Backstory we have one 6 year old child together who has autism been together 18 years but decided to live apart as we both like space he owns his own home and me and my son would live together

I pay for everything food rent bills my sons clothes literally everything. He pays for the odd McDonald’s happy meal and brings our son out which I am very grateful for as sometimes I need that break as I cannot cope at times. He’s is also filthy and I’m one of those who likes my house to be spotless

He has yet again told me today he wants the money back at a rate of 100.00 a month and is refusing to leave the home he’s been here since the start of lockdown which as I said above is great at times because I get a break when he takes our son out

I’m on universal credit and my son gets DLA I’ve never told his father I receive DLA or carers for our son as he would literally take the money from me he has always been very mean.

What am I asking is what would you do aibu to not give him 4K back over a period of time or should I just pay him I don’t know where the arsehole thinks I’m going to get the money from he obviously thinks I shit money.

He’s basically been living here rent free he owns his own house outright so he doesn’t have to pay a mortgage and he works he doesn’t buy our son clothes or anything

He has money he doesn’t have to work but got a job in the area I live in behind my back and told me 24/48 hours before he started. He’s due to be paid this week 2k yet he’s still abusing me about this money I ‘owe’ him

After typing this he really is a cunt in total it was 5K I’ve given him back 1K which he said I didn’t give back even when I proved I did with my bank statements

I literally cannot afford to pay back this money and tbh why should I he literally has been living rent free eating here for free gets his washing done etc

I don’t need any flaming please I’ve been crying in bed and recently come off my antidepressants and I’ll probably have to go back on them now due to the shit he is giving me about this money

OP posts:
Applesonthelawn · 02/08/2021 13:08

These problems happen when it is unclear who pays for what. Always make it clear. He should be paying for his child to be housed and fed, but you need to put numbers to paper and get his agreement (or at least acknowledgement) up front, through the CSA if necessary if you can't agree it between yourselves. It's the only way to minimise the stress with a person who otherwise will just take advantage of you.

mam0918 · 02/08/2021 13:10

frazzledasarock - morally you're right but legally it doesnt work like that

Verybookish · 02/08/2021 13:10

I apologise as this is probably not something you want to hear. But how did you agree on this financial arrangement in the first place? I think no matter what you decide to do about 4K a proper conversation needs to be had. He needs to contribute.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/08/2021 13:12

If he’s working you’ll need to update your UC claim.

If you knew the money wasn’t a gift and have repaid some it can’t have come as a shock he would want the rest back.

You should have asked him to contribute to food and the extra council tax/utilities it has cost although if he wasn’t working at that point it would have been a joint benefit claim anyway.

ancientgran · 02/08/2021 13:14

I'd tell him universal credit are investigating and if you lose that money he will have to give you the money, if they claim back for while he has been living there he will have to pay that.

I reckon he'll have his bags packed and be out of the door in no time.

Maggiesfarm · 02/08/2021 13:17

@Hoppinggreen

Ignore the fucker and then make a claim for child maintenance support. If it’s solely your house change the locks
That.

He is taking the mick.

Naunet · 02/08/2021 13:18

Wow, what an absolute shit excuse for a father and partner.

Step one, get him out of your house. Tell him to leave, and if he refuses, call the police.

Step two, tell him he owes you 4K in unpaid rent, utilities and food, so you won’t be paying him any money.

Step three, claim child maintenance.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 02/08/2021 13:19

The best investment you can make today is £3 for a roll of black bags to dump his stuff into to leave on the doorstep. Cfery at its finest! I'd present him with a bill for his lodgings over the last 18 months and tell him you'll knock what you own him off of that, and the balance is payable to you, immediately.
Independently weathly and sponging off the mother of his child?!?! He is literally taking food from your childs mouth! What a vile human being!
Also, get your claim in to the CMS immediately

toocold54 · 02/08/2021 13:19

100% go for cms!
You need to TELL him to leave!
Once he has left then he needs to start having his son more often. He might refuse but the main thing is the cms! Even if you have to pay his money back at least it won’t be coming out of your pocket.

I’m not sure why you’re so passive with him. He’s a deadbeat yet you are putting him up and paying for everything and he’s still asking for his money back!

SMabbutt · 02/08/2021 13:20

The tenancy is on your name so he has no legal right to be in your house. When he next goes to work pack his things. Text him when he is an hour off finishing work to tell him to come and collect his belongings and give you back any keys he has as he is no longer welcome to stay or visit as you are on UC as a single person and never agreed to him moving in. Also you can't afford to pay to support him as well as your son. Tell him he owes you money to repay you for all your food that he ate and other things and also for child maintenance.

Then lock your doors and leave the key half turned on the lock so he can't get back in. Also let the police know that you are doing this because the financially and emotionally abusive father of your child has refused to leave your home. Stress that you are a single parent and are worried he might kick off so can they have it noted in case you have any problems with him. If your mum or any other friend or relative is available to be with you that would be useful as well.

When he arrives get your key back. Do not open the door and only pass his things out through a window when he has returned the keys. The slightest difficulty call the police for help.
Put in a claim for child maintenance right now.

Get rid of the abusive waste of space for good because you and your dc deserve much better than this.

PearlFriday · 02/08/2021 13:22

SO he's living with you rent free but he wants you to pay him back 100 pm!

He is hilarious. You describe him as your partner. Please update us when he is your x partner.

IN the meantime tell him you've offset the 4000k against the rent he owes you and he owes you ten grand. Then when he storms off, change the locks.

Seesawmummadaw · 02/08/2021 13:24

Are you claiming benefits as a single parent? (Not having a go but if he’s moved himself in you could use that as a reason that he needs to go ASAP

frazzledasarock · 02/08/2021 13:25

@mam0918

frazzledasarock - morally you're right but legally it doesnt work like that
Legally? There’s no legally drawn up loan agreement.

Legally there’s nothing to take to court. Is there?

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2021 13:26

@frazzledasarock

You generally need to pay a deposit when renting. It’s not unusual.
That's true, so it could be a tenancy. Where I live we usually refer to money paid before moving in as 'first and last' rather than 'a deposit' so it sort of confused me.

But either way, if his name isn't on the tenancy the rest applies. He has no legal right to be in the house.

Obvs, I'm not in the UK. But (musing to the thread at large) if OP is getting UC isn't she possibly endangering that by having him live there?

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2021 13:27

I realize I phrased that wrong. She isn't 'having him' live there. He's 'squatting'.

Inertia · 02/08/2021 13:28

He needs to leave immediately so it doesn’t mess up your benefits claim.

Put in your CMS claim immediate give it time to process.

Then add up the rent, utilities, food bills you’ve paid over the time he’s been living with you. He owes you half of that.

Once that’s sorted, you can look again at the money he lent you, and see whether anything is still owed.

Antwerpen · 02/08/2021 13:31

@TheFlis12345

Why are you still in a relationship with this cocklodger arsehole? Dump him, kick him out, and claim child maintenance from him.
This with bells on
Notaroadrunner · 02/08/2021 13:32

Kick him out. Tell him you have no idea what 4K he's talking about and claim cms asap. Fuck him!

Orf1abc · 02/08/2021 13:32

Legally? There’s no legally drawn up loan agreement.

There doesn't need to be for money loaned on a non commercial basis. The OP has made repayments, that would evidence her agreement that the money was a loan.

The bigger issue is that the OP is claiming UC as a single parent. Should the DWP discover that she's failed to declare her partner is living there, it will be her they pursue, not him.

robotcollision · 02/08/2021 13:32

Tell him you owe him £100pcm as agreed and that he in turn owes you £200 for weekly food, % costs of child's outgoings etc, so to make it even he just owes you £100 a month.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 02/08/2021 13:33

You don’t have to be in this relationship, ask him to leave then break up with him.

Then formal application of maintenance and agree access, can your DC stay with him?

Cadent · 02/08/2021 13:34

Call the police today and get him out.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 02/08/2021 13:34

You've had lots of advice re the "loan" but what strikes me is how desperately unhappy you sound.

This man seems to being you nothing but grief. Please think about separating from him.

And don't feel you should be grateful that he sometimes cares for his own child, Jesus!!

Whatever his income, his behaviour etc, that's his to own. What you can do is kick him out, apply for child support, and free up your time a bit to allow nicer people into your life.

Life as a lone parent is tough, especially so when the child is high needs. Look after yourself and don't waste your energy on people who drag you down.

Nightlystroll · 02/08/2021 13:36

@frazzledasarock

Legally? There’s no legally drawn up loan agreement.

You don't have to have a loan agreement to owe someone money. If you were out with a friend and they saw a dress but had discovered they'd forgotten their debit card and asked you to lend them the money and you did, wouldn't you expect to be paid back? Don't they owe you the money? Of course they do. A verbal agreement can be just as binding, although obviously a written one is easier for the court do deal with.

Moreover here the op has already repaid 1,000 so is acknowledging the loan.

Original poster
Fridacat · 02/08/2021 13:36

If I could have afforded to pay the full deposit here I would have done but I was living in a London flat with a rent of 1300 I didn’t have any spare cash and he said he would pay the deposit.

He was sponging off me in London also but obviously it’s worse now because he’s permanently here

He’s a nit picker picks about crap doesn’t want to help me with diy etc so I said I’ll get a handyman in then he starts you can pay for a handyman but you can’t pay me.

Constantly puts me down for everything I buy yet doesn’t want to pay for anything.

He told my mum to stop buying my son clothes and when she sends money for his birthday Christmas etc pocket money in a card he says can your mum give me some

OP posts: