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AIBU?

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Original poster

I pay for everything and he’s asking for 4K

235 replies

Fridacat · 02/08/2021 12:01

Posting here for traffic

Partner helped me with a deposit for a house over a year ago it was 4K I have given some money back 1K but tbh he never really said at the time he wanted it back

Backstory we have one 6 year old child together who has autism been together 18 years but decided to live apart as we both like space he owns his own home and me and my son would live together

I pay for everything food rent bills my sons clothes literally everything. He pays for the odd McDonald’s happy meal and brings our son out which I am very grateful for as sometimes I need that break as I cannot cope at times. He’s is also filthy and I’m one of those who likes my house to be spotless

He has yet again told me today he wants the money back at a rate of 100.00 a month and is refusing to leave the home he’s been here since the start of lockdown which as I said above is great at times because I get a break when he takes our son out

I’m on universal credit and my son gets DLA I’ve never told his father I receive DLA or carers for our son as he would literally take the money from me he has always been very mean.

What am I asking is what would you do aibu to not give him 4K back over a period of time or should I just pay him I don’t know where the arsehole thinks I’m going to get the money from he obviously thinks I shit money.

He’s basically been living here rent free he owns his own house outright so he doesn’t have to pay a mortgage and he works he doesn’t buy our son clothes or anything

He has money he doesn’t have to work but got a job in the area I live in behind my back and told me 24/48 hours before he started. He’s due to be paid this week 2k yet he’s still abusing me about this money I ‘owe’ him

After typing this he really is a cunt in total it was 5K I’ve given him back 1K which he said I didn’t give back even when I proved I did with my bank statements

I literally cannot afford to pay back this money and tbh why should I he literally has been living rent free eating here for free gets his washing done etc

I don’t need any flaming please I’ve been crying in bed and recently come off my antidepressants and I’ll probably have to go back on them now due to the shit he is giving me about this money

OP posts:
xsamix86 · 02/08/2021 12:49

I'd definitely be sending him on his way! The difficulty would be with CMS. You say he doesn't need to work, so nothing is really stopping him quitting his job to avoid paying. Not sure how whatever income he has that means he doesn't need to work would be weighted.

Honestly, he's a massive waste of space. He can go off to his 1st or 2nd home and arrange weekly time with his DC which would give you regular time out and a lot less stress without his extra costs in your home and his stinking attitude.

fruitbrewhaha · 02/08/2021 12:51

please kick him out and go to cms for proper maintenance form him.

I've never heard of anything so awful. He is completely sponging off you.

1WayOrAnother2 · 02/08/2021 12:52

-How much have you spent on his food/use of water/electricity/heating etc. while he has been VISITING you? If he considers himself to be living with you... add rent to that too. (Subtract that from the owed deposit.)

-How much have you spent on his child? (Subtract - at least half- that amount from the owed deposit.)

-How much should he have been paying for child maintenance each month? (Subtract that amount from anything left of that deposit, and then make sure that he is paying this fair monthly sum going forwards.)

PomPomSugar · 02/08/2021 12:54

You said the money was for a house deposit but you also refer to a Tenancy?

Ditch him and claim csa

MyriadeOfThings · 02/08/2021 12:54

Why are you still clinging onto that relationship ? What is he bringing to your life apart from a small break from time to time?

He has no issue sponging a mother on benefits looking after a disabled child, HIS disabled child. He isn’t giving ANYTHING for his upkeep. What sort of father is he?

It’s not just that you need to kick him to his house.
I’d also tell him that the £4K is a part of the unpaid maintenance he never gave you - aka money for HIS child so he is dressed, fed and as a room over his head.
I’d also get rid of him altogether tbh.

RB68 · 02/08/2021 12:55

Set it up to pay and let one go through then get him out into his house and change the locks. Sort out proper child maintenance through the system and clean break - he is a user

chesirecat99 · 02/08/2021 12:56

So he owns 2 homes outright and is independently wealthy so he doesn't need to work, even though he does @Fridacat?

I would take legal advice. There is a chance you might be entitled to make a claim on one of the homes to house your child until he leaves home or a lump sum for care of the child, even though you aren't married, not just child maintenance.

www.stowefamilylaw.co.uk/blog/2018/06/11/how-can-unmarried-parents-get-financial-provision-for-their-children/

QueeniesCroft · 02/08/2021 12:56

@PomPomSugar

You said the money was for a house deposit but you also refer to a Tenancy?

Ditch him and claim csa

Renters have to pay deposits too, usually.
RandomMess · 02/08/2021 12:56

If it's your house in your name call the police and get him removed he has no right to be there.

Why have you not claimed maintenance from him?

Jelly0naplate · 02/08/2021 12:57

Change the locks when he goes out and claim maintenance and kick him to the curb.
Honestly if he's taking you for a ride and as for giving you an odd break and the odd McDonald's what a shit excuse a father. Put your foot down and sort it out

Nightlystroll · 02/08/2021 12:58

Whatever the rights and wrongs, the op says that her partner handed over 5,000 for a deposit. She has paid back 1,000 of that money. That is an acknowledgement that it was a loan. Should she then try to offset that against money she says he owes her? I would but its up to the op. But crying and swearing won't sort the matter out and she can't move on until she does.

illuyankas · 02/08/2021 12:59

Add up all the money he should have paid to you, like food/utility etc and money he should have paid to you for your child's need, deduct all from the money he says you owe him. Then I assume it will be more than what you owed him, so now you keep telling him he owes you x amount.

If you don't like him there, why don't you just kick him out?

2catsandhappy · 02/08/2021 13:00

How about going to Citizens Advice Bureau? Put your mind at rest.

Get him gone either way. What a parasite.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 02/08/2021 13:00

Tell him to leave and if he doesn't call the police and ask for help, tell them its coercive control and he has no right to be there but will not leave. Forget about the money, that is just being used as a stick to beat you with while he grabs it all back in other ways. You owe him nothing, and if he disputes that then he can try to pursue it (very difficult and expensive without a legal agreement). Get the creature out of your house.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Original poster
Fridacat · 02/08/2021 13:02

Sorry to add poster on second page yes it’s rented they wanted x months rent in advance the full amount of rent here is 725pcm

OP posts:
Bettyboopawoop · 02/08/2021 13:02

Op get rid trust me I say he won't change, change the look csa and the claim CSA you will be better off.

strawberrymilkshakeisdelicious · 02/08/2021 13:04

First, invoice him for what he's taken from you in terms of living costs, washing, food.

Then realise none of this is normal and get rid of the arsehole. At least that way he'd have to pay your son maintainence and you'd get a break every other weekend.

Viviennemary · 02/08/2021 13:04

If you borrow money you need to pay it back. If you couldn't affrd to pay it back you shouldn't have accepted it in the first place,

MrsMiddleMother · 02/08/2021 13:05

Well first of all I'd be making him leave, if he refuses then call the police. Then contact cms and make him pay child maintenance. He'll keep treating you like a doormat if you let him, time to stand up for yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2021 13:06

I'm a bit confused as the word 'tenancy' has been used with regards to the house, but the OP says he helped with the deposit, implying ownership. I'm going with 'ownership'.

Unless his name is on the deeds or mortgage he has no rights over the house. Even a loan agreement wouldn't give him the right to live there. My assumption therefore is that he can be made to leave. What I don't know is if it's as simple as a call to the police or if you have to formally evict him.

My understanding is that unless there is a loan agreement, repayment cannot be forced. He could take you to court for it despite that though. Do be aware however, if you have put in writing any references to 'here's a payment' or 'yes, I'll pay you' on the money that can be evidence of a verbal agreement.

The 'sticky part' for me in all this is that he's the child's father. Would he be the type to just walk away from his child if you force him to leave and tell him he can whistle for the money as you've repaid it many times over in kind with free lodging, food, repayments, etc? If so, do you care if he does?

frazzledasarock · 02/08/2021 13:06

@Viviennemary

If you borrow money you need to pay it back. If you couldn't affrd to pay it back you shouldn't have accepted it in the first place,
He’s had his £3k worth and then some he’s been living for free in the OP’s home and doing nothing and contributing nothing.

He needs to pay financial support for his son.

2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl · 02/08/2021 13:06

Putting the £4K aside (or even including it actually) you are being financially abused by this man. At the very least.

And please stop being grateful to this piece of trash for taking your child out. He’s their father, he’s meant to things like that as a bare minimum.

frazzledasarock · 02/08/2021 13:07

You generally need to pay a deposit when renting. It’s not unusual.

mam0918 · 02/08/2021 13:08

What where the terms linked with the money at the time?

He cant add a new trm that you have to pay interest if that wasnt the original agreement.

You cant decide not to pay if the original agreement was that it was a loan (you cant choose to offset it against what you decide you should be owed without a standing agreement that you are actually owed that).

You need to apply for child maintences and this need issue needs small claims court if you both keep moving the goalposts

Sunshinealligator · 02/08/2021 13:08

Yes you're right DP, I should pay you the £4k back that was for my home,

But understand, if you stay here, rent is £150 a week.
Also, I need £300 a month child support.

I'll obviously happily give you your £100 back per month.

And make plans to get the scheming sponger out of your life. Hes an absolute cockwomble