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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right here?

512 replies

bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 10:42

I don't want to give away who I am in this situation so trying to be neutral.

Katie and John split up 2 years ago. 3 children who live primarily with Katie. John has regular contact, every other weekend and a Wednesday evening. Contact isn't set it stone so sometimes he has them more if work/plans allow. John has a girlfriend, Sarah, who he's been with for a year.

Katie's boiler has broken and John is a Plummer. Katie asked John if he would come fix the boiler as there is no hot water. John initially said yes but then changed his mind and he and sarah both think it's Katie's responsibility to fix the boiler herself as it is her house. John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

Should John help and fix the boiler or should Katie be getting another Plummer in to fix it.

OP posts:
Kalvinette · 02/08/2021 11:26

@Datingandnoideahowto
We've already established your ex is manipulative.

The OPs ex is (or was...) on good terms with her.

ArianaDumbledore · 02/08/2021 11:26

I can understand why Joyn feels aggrieved in general that payment for parts should be enough. You have to so refresher exams, they've divided up so my husband now has 11? Separate ones to ensure he is appropriately qualified and got the experience - you're paying for the years of that, not just however many minutes the job takes.

If it's no big deal everyone can train as a gas engineer and do their own repairs.

But that's more a general rant, in this situation John is being a knob.

Datingandnoideahowto · 02/08/2021 11:26

Clearly John has already helped out once and fixed the boiler. He put Katie on notice that a further repair would be necessary.

My time has value and I prioritise paid work. I am struggling to see how that’s unreasonable?

Sarah should keep her nose out mind you.

Intherightplace · 02/08/2021 11:26

Would you expect your husband, who lives with you to take unpaid time off to do household repairs? Regardless of how much of the childcare burden falls to you?

StaceysmomandIhavegotitgoinon · 02/08/2021 11:27

John needs to sort out his priorities and do this for his kids. Sarah needs to keep her snout out.

Jerima · 02/08/2021 11:28

He should fix it and Katie should pay for any parts needed

IonaLeg · 02/08/2021 11:28

@Datingandnoideahowto

I’ve just re read. She said she would pay for parts.

So his time wouldn’t be paid.

Which is unfair.

His KIDS live there. Why are people bickering about going rates when we’re discussing a man doing something that is needed for the direct benefit of his kids?!

And how much does he benefit from the fact that Katie looks after the kids for the vast majority of the time? How much would he have to pay if she wasn’t doing that?

Honestly some people are so selfish and tight it’s unreal.

Dandy0911 · 02/08/2021 11:29

I think John should fix the boiler! If he has the tools and is in the right industry to fix it. Of course!!
His kids live in that house!

No reason to blur boundaries whatsoever. John is literally going there to fix an essential item of a home to have the basics like hot water.

Unless there's a huge backstory - what's wrong with fixing a boiler in a home where your kids live?

..just because his ex lives there? Everyone's adults in the situation and I really don't think Sarah should even come into this.

It's a broken boiler, not couples counselling Grin

Dandy0911 · 02/08/2021 11:30

(If payment is needed, so be it.)

But I still think John should fix the boiler :)

Original poster
bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 11:30

I don't think the car being broken is his responsibility, I just meant I'd usually have a backup fund for this kind of thing but it's been used recently.

When he repaired it last time he said X might need replacing soon but hopefully this should do the trick, we can cross that bridge when we come to it.

So he didn't indicate he wasn't willing to help again.

OP posts:
Datingandnoideahowto · 02/08/2021 11:31

My ex is not my friend or my mate and no way would I have him benefit from my expertise for free.

Intherightplace · 02/08/2021 11:32

@Datingandnoideahowto

My ex is not my friend or my mate and no way would I have him benefit from my expertise for free.
Maybe not, but presumably your children can?
lljkk · 02/08/2021 11:32

John is entitled to say no but it's a daft decision. He'd be doing it for his children, not his ex-wife.

Datingandnoideahowto · 02/08/2021 11:32

Yes them themselves but not anything to do with his house.

I’d tell them to come here for showers in the situation the op is in.

Kalvinette · 02/08/2021 11:33

Look you know what OP get it sorted yourself, ask someone to sub you. But make life harder for him from now on.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 02/08/2021 11:34

Yes John should fix the boiler in his children's home. I can't imagine caring more about spiting my ex than my children being able to wash in their own home.

FamishedAtAnAirport · 02/08/2021 11:34

Assuming Sarah has no reason to doubt Katie's intentions, and the split is amicable, then I see no reason for him to say no.

ThunderCrow · 02/08/2021 11:36

Not for the first time I am so incredibly grateful to my parents for handling their split differently. There was cheating and heartbreak and pain on both sides but it would have been a cold (unheated!) day in hell that my Dad would not have helped with something like this.

It has made all the difference to how close I am to them both as an adult. It's also probably one of the reasons I am always happy to pop round to his and help fix his technology - so it all comes round in the end.

IonaLeg · 02/08/2021 11:36

@Datingandnoideahowto

Yes them themselves but not anything to do with his house.

I’d tell them to come here for showers in the situation the op is in.

The idea that you would put your children to inconvenience and make their lives harder because helping them properly would also benefit your ex is just sad, really. I can’t imagine hating someone more than I love my child.

That said, maybe your ex is abusive? If so it changes things. But that clearly isn’t the OP’s situation.

Datingandnoideahowto · 02/08/2021 11:37

I’ve already indicated my ex is abusive.

SamVimes6 · 02/08/2021 11:39

Try getting a plumber instead.

IonaLeg · 02/08/2021 11:39

In that case, I think you have every right to avoid him. You absolutely aren’t obliged to do favours for an abuser.

It’s not really relevant to the OP’s situation though - in her case where it’s an amicable co-parenting relationship, I think it’s totally indefensible for John to refuse to help his children because his girlfriend doesn’t want him to simultaneously help his ex.

Datingandnoideahowto · 02/08/2021 11:39

And the thing is. My ex would come on somewhere like here and paint a picture that made him to be reasonable. And me the unreasonable one.

Not saying the op is doing this but it needs to be born in mind that maybe John is just fed up being asked to fix stuff.

Datingandnoideahowto · 02/08/2021 11:40

My ex would tell you we had and have an amicable co parenting relationship. And he can’t understand why I won’t advise him (in my specialist area) he’s asked numerous times via the kids and face to face when he saw me.

MadeForThis · 02/08/2021 11:41

It's pretty mean not to help.