Who is right here?

[bakinbiscuits]

I don't want to give away who I am in this situation so trying to be neutral.

Katie and John split up 2 years ago. 3 children who live primarily with Katie. John has regular contact, every other weekend and a Wednesday evening. Contact isn't set it stone so sometimes he has them more if work/plans allow. John has a girlfriend, Sarah, who he's been with for a year.

Katie's boiler has broken and John is a Plummer. Katie asked John if he would come fix the boiler as there is no hot water. John initially said yes but then changed his mind and he and sarah both think it's Katie's responsibility to fix the boiler herself as it is her house. John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

Should John help and fix the boiler or should Katie be getting another Plummer in to fix it.

[bakinbiscuits]

@SequinsandStiIettos

He finally stepped up. As for keeping it between you, you don't talk to Sarah a lot, do you? plus financially, you had your car bill out the blue. I would have said thank you to John for his generosity in the circumstances and bitten his hand off. You made your point about him pandering to his gf. He sorted it.

Yep! Hindsight is wonderful isn't it, I reacted emotionally and have only actually spited myself snd the kids. Totally kicking myself now!

Will wait and see if said mate shows up tomorrow!

[EspressoDoubleShot]

Christ alive stop prolonging argument get your boiler fixed for free @bakinbiscuits
Being a skint principled martyr is not going to feel good,just so you can get last word

[Firstwelive]

It's a bit much for me.. I think John should just help Katie out as it doesn't cost him a thing, human to human and mother of his children. He should also grow up and not let his partner cloud his judgement in what I think is a clear simple decent thing to do... which he agreed to in the first place

[SequinsandStiIettos]

Hopefully, he will. Then have a nice bath. Say thank you to John next time you see him (I wouldn't text, she's probably checking his messages) and don't offer to pay it, you've uniform to buy.
You have won. Yes, he's spineless but he's paying

[bakinbiscuits]

@EspressoDoubleShot

Christ alive stop prolonging argument get your boiler fixed for free *@bakinbiscuits*
Being a skint principled martyr is not going to feel good,just so you can get last word

I know, I was skint before so not sure what plan my reactive side had when throwing his offer back!

Just really annoys me that he obviously wants to help but his girlfriend won't allow it!!

[Taliskerskye]

Perhaps point out to him that being in a relationship where you have to lie by omission to your girlfriend isn’t healthy and doesn’t make for a happy life. Ever!

[LunaMuffinTop]

So let me see if I can get this straight you complain because he won’t help fix your boiler even though he’s not obligated to and he told you the last time he fixed it that it might need replacing so he pre warned you about and when he does send you help in the form of a friend after you moaned at him as soon as you found out that he wants to keep it between you both you cut your nose off to spite your face and tell him to shove his help wow do you want his help or not or is this just an opportunity for you to complain about his new girlfriend telling him not to help you out. If I was John I would be telling the mate not to bother fixing the boiler and let you sort it yourself. You don’t get to moan because he won’t help and then have a go at him and be rude to him when he does help.

[MakeMathsFun]

@marmitemarinaded
@Hertsgirl10

I think there has been some confusion with all three of us regarding the quotes and who said what. I (perhaps wrongly) thought that Marmite had made two contradicting statements about not fixing the boiler (which I labelled Quote 1 and Quote 2). Then Marmite responded thinking that I was Hertsgirl, who I am not, talking about driving. Then Hertsgirl followed up which clarfied to me the thing about trips. So, sorry I totally missed the info about the driving trips, as I though the suffering was all about a failed boiler. And yes it was difficult to understand, given the number of posts that intertwine between the conversations. Probably best to ignore me as I didn't find the full dialogue you two were having before I interjected, confused about it all.

[Hertsgirl10]

[quote MakeMathsFun]@marmitemarinaded
@Hertsgirl10

I think there has been some confusion with all three of us regarding the quotes and who said what. I (perhaps wrongly) thought that Marmite had made two contradicting statements about not fixing the boiler (which I labelled Quote 1 and Quote 2). Then Marmite responded thinking that I was Hertsgirl, who I am not, talking about driving. Then Hertsgirl followed up which clarfied to me the thing about trips. So, sorry I totally missed the info about the driving trips, as I though the suffering was all about a failed boiler. And yes it was difficult to understand, given the number of posts that intertwine between the conversations. Probably best to ignore me as I didn't find the full dialogue you two were having before I interjected, confused about it all.[/quote]
I thought you was marmite 😂 don’t worry I haven’t got a clue what’s going on anymore. Glad the boilers getting fixed though lol

[PheasantsNest]

You are such a drama llama. You moan he doesn't fix it then you moan when he arranges for it to be fixed. He's well out of it.

[rosalie11]

He should fix the boiler what’s the big deal with this

[Greenmarmalade]

• PheasantsNest
  
  You are such a drama llama. You moan he doesn't fix it then you moan when he arranges for it to be fixed. He's well out of it.*
  
  She’s not.
  
  He’s chickening out of fixing something in his children’s home because his gf doesn’t approve,

[Sarcobaleno]

Text and say you over reacted and thanks for sorting. You nagged him for not putting kids first and now you've let your emotions take over best thing for kids. Well done for getting him to sort it in first place, but you've now lost the moral high ground

[bakinbiscuits]

I don't think he has the moral high ground, he's lying to his girlfriend.

I have reacted emotionally and it's so out of character for me, this is actually the first hiccup we've had since splitting. It's always been really good between us despite what happened.

I think I'm upset because I feel like everything is going to change now. In her mind she's stopped this. I definitely will never ask him for help again and I will need to find the balance between putting my own boundaries in and ensuring the children aren't impacted. I just hope that her input doesn't effect our children. He's let her dictate this, I hope it doesn't then start being visits, or going to events together for them. We usually do things together for their birthdays, a party/trip/meal or whatever, I strongly suspect this won't happen anymore. If he isn't allowed to come fix the boiler to ensure our kids have hot water she's hardly going to like us going to dinner together is she.

[Sarcobaleno]

I didn't say he had moral high ground, I said you lost it. I understand your fears about the GF influencing his behaviour towards you and kids, but I think you need to try and stay as calm and reasonable as possible otherwise you're playing right into that. You catch more flies with honey and all that. Good luck

[AnneLovesGilbert]

We usually do things together for their birthdays, a party/trip/meal or whatever, I strongly suspect this won't happen anymore.

Things change. It’s sometimes better for children to do separate celebrations with their separated parents. It maintains healthy boundaries and doesn’t have to be a bad thing or upset the children.

Don’t borrow trouble by jumping ahead but it’s okay for him to want to change the dynamic you’ve had if he wants to. Considering his girl friends feelings is also normal and okay.

[ellyeth]

I think John should fix the boiler. He's a plumber and they are his three children. It's not a cosmetic issue - having a working boiler is essential.

[Hadenough2021]

Omg John needs to fix the bloody boiler. I’m sure he’d do it for his mate, these are his kids! Absolutely ridiculous. And as for Sarah it’s nothing to do with her!

[madabouttheman]

If an amicable split then John should repair the boiler as his children live there. Probably a lot more to this situation though.

[bjjgirl]

Op I like you have a great relationship with exp - my current dp does with his ex also so he understands the need to coparent to well and that being friends is possible.

However it can be really intimidating to new partners, exp had a girlfriend who was super intimidated until she met me and got to know it works for all parties, I would have the kids extra for their date night etc. She really struggled to understand that there was nothing more than friendship / no hidden agenda in our relationship- this eventually among other things caused their relationship to end.

I would advise not to pressure him about his relationship, but support. He has fixed the problem, just think of it as

"Not my monkeys, not my circus"

[MzHz]

@madabouttheman

If an amicable split then John should repair the boiler as his children live there. Probably a lot more to this situation though.

No.

Just the arrival of Sarah.

[Blueink]

Stop focussing on/blaming Sarah, if u can OP, not healthy nor productive and everything to do with why you reacted emotionally.

[HappyGoLuckyLuLu]

Did the mate come today? If not another message might be worth thinking about. Just say sorry for over-reacting but you would be grateful for his mate's and his help to get the boiler fixed. And if you wanted you could try to explain why you had such a strong reaction by expressing concern that his relationship will impact how he engages in situations that would impact the wellbeing of your DC.

In the long run the joint dinners and things may come to an end, but a health/safety/wellbeing issue should not cause a problem and contact ought to be possible in those instances.

And yes, maybe trying to not ask his help too frequently is your best way forwards - but for plumbing emergencies I think he really should be allowed to help you out.

Good luck!

[MarcusRashford]

I'm not sure why you're bringing Sarah into the argument? Get it fixed yourself, you're not his responsibility and he pays maintenance for his children.

[MarcusRashford]

I've just read a bit more. I was Sarah in this situation, it was horrible being the butt of the ex wife's anger for doing nothing wrong apart from being alive. Leave her alone she's done nothing wrong to you. Your boiler problem is not her issue.