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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right here?

512 replies

bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 10:42

I don't want to give away who I am in this situation so trying to be neutral.

Katie and John split up 2 years ago. 3 children who live primarily with Katie. John has regular contact, every other weekend and a Wednesday evening. Contact isn't set it stone so sometimes he has them more if work/plans allow. John has a girlfriend, Sarah, who he's been with for a year.

Katie's boiler has broken and John is a Plummer. Katie asked John if he would come fix the boiler as there is no hot water. John initially said yes but then changed his mind and he and sarah both think it's Katie's responsibility to fix the boiler herself as it is her house. John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

Should John help and fix the boiler or should Katie be getting another Plummer in to fix it.

OP posts:
Greystray · 03/08/2021 20:11

John is a selfish knob. This is not about an ex he has no ties to, calling to ask a favour. His three children are being inconvenienced and he won't help them.

happinessischocolate · 03/08/2021 20:18

@Mollymoostoo

No child or adult will be deprived of anything if John spends an hour or so fixing a bloody boiler.

Just because your ex was an arse who tried not to pay his way I fail to see why you would wish that behaviour on anyone else. You DHs ex's demands are nothing like Katie needing her boiler fixed.

Logmein · 03/08/2021 20:20

4 needs of hot water, 1 wage,3 are duel responsibility so yeah he should fix it.

Kokosrieksts · 03/08/2021 20:20

I think the nice thing would be for John to fix it given they are his kids and he’s a plumber.

ERFFER · 03/08/2021 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ineedanewnameplease · 03/08/2021 20:21

If John was a plumber I'm sure he'd be able to spell plumber. Sorry I digress.

MunroBagger · 03/08/2021 20:44

If I was John I would offer to fix the boiler. If I was Katie I would either accept or refuse John’s offer to fix the boiler. If I was Sarah I would mind my own business.

daisydaisy7 · 03/08/2021 20:45

You don't need to justify how you spend you wage and or maintenance.
John should want to help when he has the means to do so. Heating and hot water is a basic necessity. You could be waiting weeks for a plumber at the moment. Everyone is crazy busy.
If Sarah is denying Johns kids of hot water then he seriously needs to bin her off.

Tessabelle74 · 03/08/2021 20:55

John should fix the boiler with Katie paying for any parts. Why should the children suffer because of petty squabbling?

sympatico1 · 03/08/2021 20:59

John shouldn't think twice about fixing Kate's boiler, his kids live in that house, and they should be his priority, and if Sarah has got the hump about it, he needs to think very carefully about whether he want to remain in a relationship with such a bitter and selfish woman.

Christinatherabbit · 03/08/2021 21:05

I have children with two exs neither would dream of leaving their children (or the mother of their children) with no boiler when he has the tools and means to fix it . Ridiculous! And the fact the new girlfriend even has a say is utterly outrageous!

PilotRochester · 03/08/2021 22:09

What?? My ex offered to pay for a new boiler for me and HIS 3 children, when mine broke. He’s not a plumber and I declined his kind offer as I can afford it myself. But he offered because he’s a decent human and good dad. I assume you’re ‘Sarah’ and for whatever reason have a problem with Katie.

DeRigueurMortis · 03/08/2021 22:14

@Sadiecow

Thank you.

I'd like to think we are kind, reasonable people as is DH's Ex.

We do have a child together (as does Ex x2 with another partner now also Ex) and do our best to ensure that the needs of all the children are met whilst respecting everyone's boundaries.

Doing this absolutely requires give and take and sometimes looking at the bigger picture.

It's easy to get caught up in a "feud" over trivia and equally easy to be the boiled frog whose boundaries are increasingly compromised.

That said I'm baffled why as a parent you would refuse to fix the boiler of the house your children live in when you have the skills to do so. Fair enough you ask for the cost of parts to be reimbursed but wtf would you want the maintenance you pay for your children to be wasted on paying a premium to a competitor????

Seriously your mind boggles 🙄.

Offering accommodation/bathing in lieu isn't kind, it's just a manipulative power play and pretty damn nasty especially after all the pick up / drop off runs the OP has done.

Anyway thanks for your kind comments Thanks

AliTheMinx · 03/08/2021 22:21

John should absolutely fix the boiler. It baffles me why he would even think it would be fine not to at least offer. Katie should offer to pay - for parts at least. Sarah should not get involved at all.

Angiemum24 · 03/08/2021 23:12

Sarah need to stfu

Bleachmycloths · 03/08/2021 23:20

John should fix it so his kids will have hot water. Seems to me that he was happy to do it until his girlfriend stuck her oar in. They’re not her kids so she simply won’t care enough. Putting her own pettiness above the comfort and hygiene of children.

RiojaRose · 03/08/2021 23:36

Damn it John. Fix the damn boiler.

blacksax · 03/08/2021 23:52

Of course John should fix the boiler in the home where his children live

Absolutely this.

And if he doesn't, then he's a cunt.

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 04/08/2021 00:28

YANBU. For fucks sake... of course he should fix it.

LauraPearl · 04/08/2021 00:29

I think Sarah's opinion doesn't come in to it - its between Katie & John.

I am assuming that K & J have an amicable relationship if his first instinct was to say he'd fix the boiler. If their relationship was frosty I dont think this would have happened. My guess is that John is a nice chap, happy to fix the boiler, and Sarah has put her foot down and said no.

I think John should fix the boiler (which he originally agreed to do). I think he should do this free of charge, but Katie should pay for any parts.

Localocal · 04/08/2021 00:35

Fix the boiler. The kids need hot water. Sarah needs to stay out of it and let John deal with it.

SD1978 · 04/08/2021 00:37

If the separated parties have an amicable relationship, then doing it for part costs, if it doesn't affect other work, and won't take a whole day would be fair. If the whole thing needs replaced, and Hohn would lose income because of it, I do t see it as Johns responsibility to be honest. If it's a quick fix, and they get in, see no issue with asking him.

Hertsgirl10 · 04/08/2021 00:43

I hope this ends up on the daily Mail and shames John and Sarah into acting like normal decent humans by changing their minds.

MakeMathsFun · 04/08/2021 01:23

@Kalvinette

I dont see why Sarah's opinion is even coming into this.

Of course John should fix the boiler in the home where his children live.

Yes, yes, yes! Of course you fix your kids' boiler for free, irrespective of the context.
DeRigueurMortis · 04/08/2021 01:28

I think this might become a new MN saying along with EKL, PB, Pom Bears and Cancel the check....

Now we have...

Fix the fucking "BoilerJohn" as a counterpoint to "Disney Dad".

Aka men who prioritise unreasonable second wives/girlfriends to a ridiculous degree.