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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right here?

512 replies

bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 10:42

I don't want to give away who I am in this situation so trying to be neutral.

Katie and John split up 2 years ago. 3 children who live primarily with Katie. John has regular contact, every other weekend and a Wednesday evening. Contact isn't set it stone so sometimes he has them more if work/plans allow. John has a girlfriend, Sarah, who he's been with for a year.

Katie's boiler has broken and John is a Plummer. Katie asked John if he would come fix the boiler as there is no hot water. John initially said yes but then changed his mind and he and sarah both think it's Katie's responsibility to fix the boiler herself as it is her house. John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

Should John help and fix the boiler or should Katie be getting another Plummer in to fix it.

OP posts:
Saxineno · 03/08/2021 18:26

John should fix the boiler. Sarah is a cow.

ittakes2 · 03/08/2021 18:27

It sounds like Sarah is jealous (of the Katie) and controlling. Its just daft to suggest everyone goes to the flaff of having showers at their house when it is quicker for everyone if John fixes the boiler. I am not suggesting he does normal home improvements but a boiler is essential and he can do it quickly.

SunshineCake · 03/08/2021 18:28

He's an embarrassment. She's a cow. Ask your parents for help and don't allow the kids to bathe at daddy's. He'll feel like he's being such a good person - or girlfriend will - for allowing them to get clean in the house they don't really live in, while missing the point they are adding to their kids difficulties

SunshineCake · 03/08/2021 18:28

When he comes to fix it, be sure to shag him.

Chloemol · 03/08/2021 18:31

John should do it for his kids. Sarah needs to buttout

LindieB · 03/08/2021 18:33

Perhaps Katie should see if she can do some extra work to pay for the boiler repairs and John and Sarah can look after the children while she does so Smile

Hertsgirl10 · 03/08/2021 18:34

Sorry this is my 3rd comment on this threat but I’m so shocked this even needs to be asked 😂💆🏼‍♀️

Honestly if my Dad seriously didn’t help in this situation he would NEVER hear the end of it I would literally mug him off forever every chance I had, like ayyyy Dad remember when you left us with no hot water and heating Cos Sarah didn’t let you help us 😂😂

I dunno why this is so unbelievable for me 🙈 I haven’t got the best relationship with my ex and his gf but fuckin hell if I need help or the kids they step up and same way for them I do, this is so strange.

And no OP don’t drop the kids or help at all, treat them with the same respect, and tell the kids too so they know when they’re doing 3 trips to have a bath that it would of taken less time for dad to fix the boiler than doing all the trips in his fuckin van, while you’re home stinking away 💆🏼‍♀️😂😂

NoNotYou · 03/08/2021 18:35

John should fix the boiler where his children live and Sarah needs to back the fuck out of their business

honeybuns007 · 03/08/2021 18:36

@ChainJane

John should stay out of this, it's Katie's boiler and therefore her problem. If she wants John to fix it she should pay for everything including his time. The fact his kids are without hot water is irrelevant, Katie needs to book the heating engineer ASAP (even if that costs more because of the urgency).

John's only obligation is to pay child support.

Well by your reckoning, the OP should stay out of John's car problem situation. She is currently driving their kids to and fro as his car hasn't enough seats. Not her problem. Works both ways Petal.
honeybuns007 · 03/08/2021 18:38

@BillMasen

If Katie was a lawyer and John needed legal advice should she provide it for free?

If Katie was an account and should she do Hihns tax returns for free?

If the legal problem was causing huge distress/discomfort to their children, then yes. Ditto the accounts thing. In any case, he is neither of these, he is a plumber and without hot water, their children will suffer and he will end up struggling as they will need to wash daily at his place and as he has no car that fits them, there will be a massive problem all due to him being a weak arsehole
honeybuns007 · 03/08/2021 18:44

OP, it is sad that he is taking such an awful line on this. As his car situation is temporary, I would DEFINITELY tell him that you have found your mutual co-operation to be a very happy way to co-parent but as he is unwilling to use his skill and expertise to help you out, you are left with no option but to do the same so you are unable to assist him with driving the dc anymore. It is the only thing you have to use to show him how unreasonable he is being. Be polite and calm but tell him that you would much rather things were amicable and mutually advantageous to both you you but if he has decided that this style of co-parenting won;t work for him then you will follow his lead

crabbingbucket · 03/08/2021 18:47

I can't believe anyone thinks he shouldnt do it.

What kind of parent wouldn't be delighted that their special area of expertise could be used to help their children?

As for the offer that the kids can wash there... that'll go down in history as such a kind favour they did when it's actually anything but.

Bard6817 · 03/08/2021 18:51

Boundaries…..

Keep the ex an ex, and i’ve only ever seen the negative sides of the ex’s being too involved with each other, fixing cars, diy or whatever.

NeedNewKnees · 03/08/2021 18:52

John is being a knobhead. He needs to tell Sarah to wind her neck in and he needs to get his children's access to hot water resolved. Katie should cover any costs for parts etc.

Katie and John's children can't currently have showers. John could resolve that but doesn't want to... How would that ever be acceptable between decent humans? Co parenting always needs give and take to work smoothly.

DentonsFringeArnottsWaistcoat · 03/08/2021 18:52

Katie you sound like a great mum and a decent human being. John, on the other hand. You can blame Sarah (the cow) all you like but, no one would ever stand in the way of me helping my kids out. That’s on John, I’m afraid.

happinessischocolate · 03/08/2021 19:02

@Bard6817

Boundaries…..

Keep the ex an ex, and i’ve only ever seen the negative sides of the ex’s being too involved with each other, fixing cars, diy or whatever.

Like what? What possible negative affect could it have for a man to fix the boiler in the house his kids live in.

As per my pp my ex helped me move house 10 years after we split up, it's now another 8 years on from that and there's been no bad things happen to anyone just cos people helped each other out.

On the other hand, if John doesn't fix the boiler and Katie stops giving the kids lifts to John's that's going to cause problems down the line as everyone does less and less to help each other.

Tigger1895 · 03/08/2021 19:06

Sarah has a lot to answer for as it sounds like she had a word with John. It may be Katie’s house but it’s his kids home and they deserve hot water.

Icantrememberthenameoftheartis · 03/08/2021 19:10

John has the skills to fix the boiler and potentially save Katie a LOT of money hiring another plumber.

If Katie and John have a good relationship then of course John should fix the boiler.

If Sarah is taking issue with John helping Katie then Sarah is insecure.

DeRigueurMortis · 03/08/2021 19:12

For disclosure I'm a SM.

DH isn't a tradesmen but has "skills".

Over the years he's helped his Ex out with various issues.

To be fair she's never taken the piss by asking every week, more every 5 months or so and always requests that impacted not just her but DSD.

He's happy to help and I'm happy for him to do so.

Two reasons:

  1. it's where his DD spends a lot of her time. He and I wanted her to be happy and comfortable.

  2. Neither of us want maintenance payments "wasted" on paying tradesmen for jobs DH has the skill and tools to do. We want that money spent on supporting DSD and not the local economy.

So from what you've posted OP YANBU.

Lokdok · 03/08/2021 19:15

John and Sarah are spiteful mean people. His kids live there. Fix it!!

Pastrydame · 03/08/2021 19:16

Have only read OP.
OP must be the new girlfriend as anyone who had been around John (or who was John) long enough to have three dc with him would know how to spell plumber.
Also noone other than the girlfriend or possibly lazy father would think it fine to not use the skills of a plumber genetically linked to the offspring of the house with no hot water to sort out said water situation.

Sadiecow · 03/08/2021 19:16

@DeRigueurMortis

For disclosure I'm a SM.

DH isn't a tradesmen but has "skills".

Over the years he's helped his Ex out with various issues.

To be fair she's never taken the piss by asking every week, more every 5 months or so and always requests that impacted not just her but DSD.

He's happy to help and I'm happy for him to do so.

Two reasons:

  1. it's where his DD spends a lot of her time. He and I wanted her to be happy and comfortable.

  2. Neither of us want maintenance payments "wasted" on paying tradesmen for jobs DH has the skill and tools to do. We want that money spent on supporting DSD and not the local economy.

So from what you've posted OP YANBU.

And that makes you and DH, nice, reasonable people

Your children (if you have any) and your DSC will all appreciate your loveliness.

Flatwhitetostayin · 03/08/2021 19:18

If I was your ex, I would fix it because you sound like an amazing mother. Basically, I'd be eternally grateful and do everything I could to keep up a good relationship.

Hertsgirl10 · 03/08/2021 19:19

@Bard6817

Boundaries…..

Keep the ex an ex, and i’ve only ever seen the negative sides of the ex’s being too involved with each other, fixing cars, diy or whatever.

She’s not offering around nosh him off for his hard work.
Ideasplease322 · 03/08/2021 19:22

Any decent parent would help out - it also shows the kids he is kind and cares for them even though he isn’t there all the time.

I am shocked so many people think helping out like this is a problem.

He is his own man - responsible for his own actions - not the girlfriends fault