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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right here?

512 replies

bakinbiscuits · 02/08/2021 10:42

I don't want to give away who I am in this situation so trying to be neutral.

Katie and John split up 2 years ago. 3 children who live primarily with Katie. John has regular contact, every other weekend and a Wednesday evening. Contact isn't set it stone so sometimes he has them more if work/plans allow. John has a girlfriend, Sarah, who he's been with for a year.

Katie's boiler has broken and John is a Plummer. Katie asked John if he would come fix the boiler as there is no hot water. John initially said yes but then changed his mind and he and sarah both think it's Katie's responsibility to fix the boiler herself as it is her house. John and sarah are happy to support by allowing the kids to bathe at their house until Katie gets the boiler fixed.

Should John help and fix the boiler or should Katie be getting another Plummer in to fix it.

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsDV · 03/08/2021 19:22

Bloody hell some women have low expectations of men.
Of course he should fix it.
Its keeping his kids warm and clean.
Only a total fucker wouldn't sort that out unless there is some back story involving the mother of his kids having a habit of smacking him on the head with a brick any time he is crouching down with his back turned.

Scarlettpixie · 03/08/2021 19:22

John should help.

EspressoDoubleShot · 03/08/2021 19:25

John is the dad who is a plumber too, his kids have no hot water. As a dad & plumber he needs to get round there pronto and fix it free
John girlfriend Sara is a sad inadequate woman if she can see it’s not a big ask for a dad to assist his own kids by undertaking a task he is adept at and trained to do

CauliflowerBalti · 03/08/2021 19:26

John should fix the boiler. And not charge anything. Because he’s a decent human being who should help out the mother of his children and there’s just no point in being anything other than co-operative helpful co-parents. You’re adult enough to have kids, you should be adult enough to deal with a separation and move on. I’m divorced and remarried. My ex is part of our lives because of our son. I wouldn’t dream of charging him if I could help him. He has my back too. We both have new lives. Our partners are grown ups.

John and Sarah should grow the fuck up.

FreddieMercurysCat · 03/08/2021 19:29

Although it is Katie’s responsibility ultimately, it’s my opinion that John could easily help out & fix the boiler in the property his children live for mate’s rates at the very least.

Chewbecca · 03/08/2021 19:32

YANBU, he should help you out in this situation.

But you do need to re-jig your savings so you have money to cover household emergencies / breakdowns. It’s more important than some of the other things you’re saving for.

comedycentral · 03/08/2021 19:33

What a crap situation. I would take them there and back every day for a shower, with a bag of their washing too for as long as it takes to save up, he will get bored soon enough! I would also point out how you've been doing him a favour with the dropping off/ picking up for a while too- ask him what his plans for that are going forward!

GintyMcGinty · 03/08/2021 19:38

John is a complete knob - especially for agreeing and then changing his mind.

DingDongThongs · 03/08/2021 19:40

there HIS kids - fix the damn boiler!

bpirockin · 03/08/2021 19:41

I'm absolutely gobsmacked at the number of people saying that he should not help the mother of his children out. She would cover the costs, and he would be ensuring that his children have hot water. It's not as if it's something she can do herself.

Definitely sounds like the partner has stuck her oar in, something I can certainly relate to having been with a guy whose ex completely took advantage of his kind nature any time he went to pick up or drop off his son. He'd get back hours later and knackered from doing stuff around her house - all while she had a partner and family who were round all the time and all, including her were perfectly capable. This inevitably meant any plans that had been made were scuppered, and their time together was greatly impacted. Both had boundary issues, but only the father and son lost out because of it, the Mother got to cause as much disruption as she possibly could, and loved having the power to do so.

This is different though, good plumbers are hard to find, and if he's willing, and their children get to see them co-operating to keep their home life pleasant, surely that can only be a good thing.

Come on John, do it for your children, and your own peace of mind!

ShortBacknSides · 03/08/2021 19:45

John is mean and seems to be saying No as a powerplay. And it's none of Sarah's business.

Katie should probably find another plumber, and stop being flexible for John's convenience if it doesn't suit her.

singleagain22 · 03/08/2021 19:46

John should fix the boiler.

It's his children and the mother of his children.

Mollymoostoo · 03/08/2021 19:51

@bakinbiscuits

I am Katie, and there is no horrible back story. We'd become housemates and John cheated (not with Sarah) but the split was coming anyway so it wasn't a big awful shock. We went our separate ways, John pays his Maintanence and helps when needed. Contact is done via agreement on what suits everyone at the time. So if I want to go out he'll have them my weekend and vice versa. We co-parent really well.

I don't ask him to do stuff all the time, I have my Dad who does a lot of odd jobs that I can't do so not reliant on him or taking advantage. He did look at the boiler a few months back for the same problem. He fixed it and said something may need replacing soon. So now it obviously does. I can't afford to pay a Plummer to do it, I've just had to do an expensive repair on my car so that's eaten most my savings. He knows this. I can borrow from my parents but I just thought as his kids live here he'd be happy to help, I don't expect him to be out of pocket, I'd pay for parts but thought he'd be happy to help as we've always been supportive of each other.

I asked if he can't help me with the boiler if he'd get the kids school uniforms as I really cannot afford both. He hasn't got back to me on that yet, I imagine he's asking permission from Sarah!!

I'm annoyed as I feel like this is Sarah's input and I'm upset he'd refuse to help me with something beneficial to the kids because of his girlfriend. I was stepmum to his oldest daughter and I'd never of stopped him doing something to help his ex that impacted his child.

It won't become an issue or argument as I can't be bothered with that. Whatever he says I'll accept but just wondered what other people though was right/wrong.

I am a Sarah as well as a Katie.

My ex paid maintenance and spent all of the past 16 years trying to get out of it. My DH's ex gets more money from us than I got from my ex us asks for money for holidays, clubs, mobile phones etc. It has caused massive issues in our family as our child together has had to go without whilst his ex makes demands.

Having been in your shoes and in Sarah's, my opinion is that you need to deal with your life and if you can't afford unexpected issues, you need to go to your support system which isn't him.

Sorry of this sounds harsh, but if you were Sarah, as much as you would think you would be okay with this, you wouldn't.

AnotherLongDay · 03/08/2021 19:51

@DreamAboutSleep

Wow. My ex and I help each other out however we can as we both want to make sure our children are well cared for. To refuse to fix the boiler of the house where your children live when you are a plumber, words fail me at how callous that is! Confused
Yeah, this. John’s being a dick
Mollymoostoo · 03/08/2021 19:52

*but asks for more money....

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 03/08/2021 19:53

His kids are living without hot water, he has the skills and tools to fix this, and he hasn't done it yet?

What a crap father.

Taliskerskye · 03/08/2021 19:54

He’s a cunt. Full stop.

Nanalisa60 · 03/08/2021 19:55

At decent dad would fix the boiler In the house his kids live.

Di11y · 03/08/2021 19:55

YANBU it's petty for someone not to do something that would benefit their own kids and barely put themselves out.

Kevintheelf80 · 03/08/2021 19:59

Of course John should fix the boiler. His children live there, the only reason he doesn't is because he cheated on their mother. He should be a decent person and fix the boiler. Obviously Katie should pay for any out of pocket expenses but they got on well enough once upon a time to make a family so I can't see the issue

Bookworm20 · 03/08/2021 20:01

@Mollymoostoo

Your situation sounds very different. And you also sound like you resent your dh for supporting his child he had before you.

Katie is asking for one thing. And I couldn’t respect or stay with a bloke who’d refuse to help his ex and his children out in this sort of situation.

muffindays · 03/08/2021 20:04

John should be accommodating as it's about his kids!!

PopAyetheSailorMam · 03/08/2021 20:05

Float the idea about him paying for an uber for the kids to get to his … screenshot the price estimate and forward it - see if the penny drops about give and take in parenting. If Sarah IS the source of discontent you could ask if she’ll be helping him with that now. Let him draw his own conclusion about parental co-operation moving forwards.

Twoforthree · 03/08/2021 20:09

Of course he should help you. He’s taking money away from his kids by not helping, as they will have to go without something else if you have that bill to pay.

Fair enough if you aren’t on good terms, but why on earth would he want to deprive his kids when he’s able to help - just as you are saving him taxi money by ferrying them around. You should definitely point this out to him.

Fuckityfucksake · 03/08/2021 20:10

@Kalvinette

I dont see why Sarah's opinion is even coming into this.

Of course John should fix the boiler in the home where his children live.

This 100% Why wouldn't he do it. It's his kids home.
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