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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have done this in ‘public’? Unsupervised kids.

189 replies

WhatsAppening · 02/08/2021 09:43

NC for this as it’s incredibly outing.

For a few months now there have been two small kids playing in the road in our small estate. They have ZERO road sense. They have run in front of cars several times. They often just stop in the middle of the road in front of cars. They are 5 and 6 apparently.

Yesterday when leaving for work I had to slam on my brakes despite only going 5 mph round one of the three blind corners as the little girl sped into my path on her bike. I was really shaken, she was inches away from my bumper.

Not knowing who they belonged to I posted on the estate WhatsApp group to say what had happened, I said it’s not the first time (although the scariest) and that they need to be supervised.

The mum responded to say yeah but we live in a flat and they need outside play, and she can’t always be out there with them because she has to do housework.

I then got a flurry of private messages from other neighbours saying they’ve also had near misses and that the kids are sent out after breakfast and called in at tea time. Not one of them posted anything on the group.

Anyway I responded again saying that I appreciate they need outside time but that they need supervision. Got one line back saying ‘message me privately’.

I lost my rag a bit and said just supervise your kids ffs and I’m not interested in a private chat.

Anyway it all kicked off. Her husband chimed in, she said I’m parent shaming her and she has anxiety (not too anxious about the kids though are you hun) and basically left me feeling like the baddie.

So, was I being unreasonable to do this in the group? I had no idea who she was so couldn’t have messaged her to start with.

OP posts:
Picklypickles · 02/08/2021 13:11

The property was a car, that they had gotten inside, so they could have been at risk of letting the handbrake off.

I'm not usually a fan of shaming people on social media, but perhaps in this case if these parents feel that they are being watched and their neglect of their children is being noticed and discussed publicly they will sort their shit out before their children pay the ultimate price.

fakeplantsdontlookreal · 02/08/2021 13:13

YANBU and you are not parent shaming her. She should be supervising DC of that age, and we all have housework to do around DC.

I would not be apologising as you have done nothing wrong. Perhaps you could report it to 101 and ask a couple of neighbours to do the same, and the community police might go round and give her some friendly advice?

Failing that, call SS, as the DC are not being looked after properly. It's too late when one of them is in hospital injured or worse.

It's not fair on any of you to have to deal with this all the time.

we live in a cul-de-sac and at that age if my DD was out on her bike, I would sit on the front step and watch her.

Maggiesfarm · 02/08/2021 13:15

You are not at all unreasonable. I don't believe children should be playing in the street anyway but definitely not without supervision if they are young.

People with children have lived in flats for years, if we were in Barcelona or Manhatten nobody would think anything of it but the children are taken out to a park or wherever.

There's not much more you can do unfortunately.

If the dad is at home, he can surely take them out.

Don't get into any more discourse with her (and him), I hope they don't know precisely who you are or where you live. It's good that others have backed you up but leave it now, I'm concerned the man may come round to your place and be aggressive.

UpstreamSwimmer · 02/08/2021 13:16

'parent shaming'.

FFS, if their parenting is shameful, let them be shamed.

I8toys · 02/08/2021 13:29

What's having anxiety got to do with it? She'll be more fucking anxious if one of the kids ends up in hospital. Yes you are parent shaming her and with good reason.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 02/08/2021 13:34

I think you were decent enough giving her a heads up. If someone had put me in the position where I nearly ran over a 5 year old I would have been furious. Next time (if there is one) just call the police, unsupervised small child on the road, let them deal with it.

Birkie248 · 02/08/2021 13:38

Good, sounds like she needed a reality check and she’s lucky the kids haven’t been run over.

sashh · 02/08/2021 13:54

You were right OP.

I'm on a quiet cul de sac, my next door neighbour's grandson sometimes plays in the street but if he sees a car he does what I was taught to do as a kid - get on the kerb and stand still where the driver can see you.

Hadjab · 02/08/2021 13:56

@mam0918

what on earth is an estate whatsapp group?

I would just call social services if the children where in real danger and not being supervised.

Also I live in a place with no garden, my kids dont play out on the streets especially wouldnt allow it near roads or if they where young. When they go out I personally take them to the park and stay with them, not having a garden is NOT an excuse to be a bad parent (even in a garden they should be supervised and that at least doesnt have the risk of roads and strangers).

Your snobbery is showing...
TossieFleacake · 02/08/2021 14:01

@ChainJane

Make sure you have a dashcam, in situations like this the presumption will always be that the driver was at fault even if the child jumps out in their path from behind a parked car.

There are lots of irresponsible parents out there and it's a numbers game - sooner or later someone will knock a child down. You just need to make sure that if it's you, you have the footage to show you were driving carefully and braked promptly.

Totally agree that a dash cam would hopefully absolve the driver of being charged or blamed in the legal sense ... but no amount of dash cam footage would erase the memory and subsequent trauma from being the driver who hit a small child.
cooldarkroom · 02/08/2021 14:26

I know a young woman who actually did collide with a young unsupervised boy that ran out in front of her car in a small village, she was going slowly mercifully.
The boy was seriously injured, with head injuries & in a coma for months.
It completely ruined this woman's life, the shock & guilt she felt set her mental health into a spin, unable to work for months.
The child did eventually recover after over a year in hospital.
She however has never completely regained for former self.

Thehenbunringsock · 02/08/2021 14:29

You've definitely posted about this situation before. Not the WhatsApp confrontation, but the kids playing out all day in the road. Too many similarities to be someone else. Obviously can't find the other thread if you've NC though.

MrsR87 · 02/08/2021 14:36

YANBU

I’d rather be known as a parent shamer than that woman who hit that kid with her car.

Sweettea1 · 02/08/2021 14:46

Happened by mine only the child (age 5) ran out in front of a police car. The police fella went straight to the parents house and give the parents a good talking too even said they would be reported to social services for neglect if they see the children playing out unsupervised again.

Maggiesfarm · 02/08/2021 14:47

Hadjab Mon 02-Aug-21 13:56:12
mam0918

what on earth is an estate whatsapp group?

I would just call social services if the children where in real danger and not being supervised.

Also I live in a place with no garden, my kids dont play out on the streets especially wouldnt allow it near roads or if they where young. When they go out I personally take them to the park and stay with them, not having a garden is NOT an excuse to be a bad parent (even in a garden they should be supervised and that at least doesnt have the risk of roads and strangers).

Your snobbery is showing...
.........
Not at all! The poster is speaking good sense.

Nobody has ever considered me to be a snob and I endorse what she says 100%.

Maggiesfarm · 02/08/2021 14:48

@Thehenbunringsock

You've definitely posted about this situation before. Not the WhatsApp confrontation, but the kids playing out all day in the road. Too many similarities to be someone else. Obviously can't find the other thread if you've NC though.
That doesn't matter. It's a serious concern.
CantChatNow · 02/08/2021 14:50

I suspect, having dealt with families like this before, that the mum wanted to DM you to give you a sob story about how her anxiety means she can’t supervise her kids properly. You did the right thing calling her out op, I would’ve responded much as you did. People need to be shamed if they leave their children at risk.

Cadent · 02/08/2021 15:04

I did vote YANBU as sounds dangerous but also, we have a range of ages playing in our area and they're adorable, I just drive at a snail's pace.

Congressdingo · 02/08/2021 15:10

@RedHelenB

The last bit is what makes you unreasonable. No problem with pointing out that you had come close to hitting them but now you know they are often playing out and generalised it the only thing to do is to be really cautious when you drive in and out of your road.
OP isnt the only one driving around. This isnt just about OP not hitting the kids with the car, it's about the kids getting hurt or killed.
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 02/08/2021 15:22

I would be texting back telling him that his kids were almost killed multiple times due to playing in the road unsupervised and that if you see them out there without an adult again, you will be contacting police before someone dies.

As for anxiety, I don't know what does make her anxious but it sure as hell isn't her kids safety.

RealBecca · 02/08/2021 15:33

I am so fucking over people being told there is an issue and instantly pulling the shaming card.

The couples parenting is shit and dangerous, end of. Who gives a fuxking fuck if she feels shamed over it. Imagine how shamed they will feel if one of their kids has a fatality or abduction.

2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl · 02/08/2021 15:41

”I did lose my temper because she was so full of excuses.

Older kids need their independence (they are 5 and 6)

I can’t watch them all day (they are your fucking children)

They need outside play (use the large communal garden or the green then)

She’s only just off her stabilisers so a bit wobbly (even more reason to keep her off the road)

I have anxiety (wtf)

My kids are polite (errr whatever that has to do with it).

She has never once said she’ll stop them playing in the road, just that she’ll tell them to be more careful. It gave me the proper rage”

I’m not surprised you’re pissed off, I would be too. As someone who has depression and anxiety I don’t quite understand how her reasoning works with having anxiety but letting her young children ride their bikes outside on their own with no adult supervision when they’re clearly not responsible enough. If someone told me they’d nearly run over one of my kids (for any reason) I’d be having heart palpitations, not basically saying “ahh well shit happens they need to be freeeeee and I’ve got to clean my house!”

Constellationstation · 02/08/2021 15:50

I think you should have started messaging her privately when she asked you to. If you were interested enough to post it and care enough about the children why weren’t you interested in having a private conversation? Was it just showboating for everyone else’s benefit?

DeflatedGinDrinker · 02/08/2021 15:54

Who the hell let's kids that age play in the street. Hope you shamed her enough so that next time she's out with them and they might not het hit by a car.

Lavender24 · 02/08/2021 15:54

YANBU and I don't blame you for losing your temper. She's a shit mother and her kids could literally be knocked down but she doesn't seem to care. If it continues I would contact SS,