To ask what you talk about with people who have no interests?

[TheBestPlansAlwaysFail]

I am making more of an effort to make some new friends now that lockdown is over.
(We moved back to the city we now live in right before lockdown and most of the people I was friends with when I previously lived here have moved away - so rude of them! )

Anyway, what I noticed is that there seem to be so many people who have absolutely no interests (and some seem to have no personality to top it off). I usually have no issue to find a topic of conversation but with some people, nothing seems to lead anywhere - arts, sports/fitness, science, reading, traveling, music, cooking, pets, gardening,....? They're not interested/scared/don't care. Stuff like politics, social equality, philosophy? They don't have an opinion on it. Work, family, etc? All good but there is not really much to talk about.

It is like drawing blood from a stone. What can you actually talk about with people like this? I am not looking for friendships for life right now, I just want someone to go to the pub and have a half-way decent conversation with - but by the end of these 'conversation', I am just drained and looking for an out. Maybe it is lockdown? Have people forgotten how to hold a conversation?

You'll be flamed for this post unfortunately but for what it's worth I agree with you that it's frustrating. I work hard, have a young family, study and make a huge effort to have interests outside of this including arts, culture, exercise, playing music. All the other school mums seem to want to talk about is their younger children's sleeping habits and don't seem to have any interest in their older children's school life, education. Having an interest in more interesting things is what makes life worthwhile and has got me through the last 18 months. I come from A very poor background so exposure to this stuff is not something I take for granted so maybe that's a difference. I'd always avoid politics though - that just leads to arguments.

For what it's worth I just smile and nod along to what they say and limity social time with them and keep it to very innocuous subjects. Done people are just dullards #sorrynotsorry

Hummmmmm I think your attitude sounds quite judgemental and as you approach h situation thinking people have no interests and no personality is almost certainly why you are not dining anyone to hang out with. Who wants to hang out with someone who is so judgemental.
You can’t change the people in the world but you can change yourself.

Maybe you're asking the wrong questions? Rather than saying "what do you think about Kier Starmer" for example, you need to lay the groundwork with your own opinion ("I think Kier Starmer is fucking useless because of x, y and z"). Once you've been going for a few minutes about how terrible you think he is the other person will know exactly what you think and feel like there is no risk in telling you how much they hate him too. (Or if they don't, you'll know to walk away!)

If you're veering between "arts, sports/fitness, science, reading, traveling, music, cooking, pets, gardening" and "politics, social equality, philosophy" the conversation sounds pretty confusing, I'm not surprised they are struggling to keep up with you.

They’re not your type of people, keep
Looking for some who are. I’ve got superficial friendships with people who don’t seem to love anything.. but my deeper ones are with people with at least some of the same interests

Are you talking about my brother and sister-in-law?

They have NO INTERESTS. They don't do anything or go anywhere. No hobbies, no clubs, no "passions" about anything, don't enjoy eating out or cooking, don't go on holidays, have never visited any of the attractions in the major city where they live, not interested in art, or sport, or history, or politics, or ANYTHING. Their children are grown up.

Literally the only things they can talk about are their dog, or what they've watched on TV.

It's utterly fucking mind-numbing.

The weather
Netflix
How they found lockdown
How they dealt with home schooling

@SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge

Hummmmmm I think your attitude sounds quite judgemental and as you approach h situation thinking people have no interests and no personality is almost certainly why you are not dining anyone to hang out with. Who wants to hang out with someone who is so judgemental. You can’t change the people in the world but you can change yourself.

Hit a nerve??

For one reason or another I've spent a lot of time on night shifts with people very different to me. At first, as a young woman, I really struggled to know what to talk about and how to relate to them, because I had only really known a very 'topic-based' way of talking to others. But you know, I discovered that everyone, everyone, is a whole human being with interests and dreams and stories. Everyone. You can find this out if you ask people, openly and without pre-judgment, about their lives and then really listen.

You need to find new people to talk to.

Someone - have you genuinely never met someone who has nothing to talk about? It is such hard work trying to keep the conversation going, I met someone like this about a year ago, new to our area, she said she wanted to make friends but whatever you suggest she has a reason for not doing it, won't try volunteering (offered lots of options), joining a club, going for a walk ... all she will do is sit in an expensive coffee shop and moan about how hard it is when you move to a new area .... I frequently move and find it incredibly easy to make friends and find things to do but sitting around with no conversation is just hard work and sadly I gave up trying in the end.

Some people are just quiet and don't like to chat. With them, it's better to DO something eg go for a walk, or to the cinema, so the focus is elsewhere. Afterwards you can chat briefly about the route or the film

But I agree with a PP. You do sound a bit judgemental. Perhaps better to look elsewhere for friendship eg join a sports club, or start volunteering

Politics etc. is may last resort, when nothing else works. I don't jump around much in topic, it is more a "have you had a chance to have a look around the city/found something fun to do since moving here/...." and if they don't mention anything, I might hint at a topic but some people just seems to wake up, work, talk to their spouse, go to bed.

@Demelza82 I'd take kids-talk over nothing - but the people I met don't have children yet, so even that wasn't an option.

It may not be that they aren't in to politics but lots of people don't want to discuss politics.
I bet there are interests but they are probably different to yours!

Try not to consider yourself intellectually superior, just accept that you're on a different wavelength to some people.

Sometimes highly intelligent people lack conversational skills. This is often due to shyness, introversion, insecurity or lack of confidence.

You sound quite outgoing and confident in yourself so seek like minded individuals.

Try not to dominate a conversation; you don't have to always lead or steer it with direct questions. That can be intimidating and have the opposite effect on the person you are trying to draw out of themselves.

When you're getting to know someone new, it's not an interview. Lots of questions can feel intense. Perhaps take a pack of cards to the pub or have something neutral to focus? Or join a club where you will have shared interests.

I bet you this people do not want a chat. They just want to chill.
Otherwise they would put some effort in the conversation.
Try elsewhere OP. Or let them lead the conversation.

It takes two to hold a conversation.

All people are fascinating in their own way. You need to think about why, it appears on the surface, you are have so many interests, but meet so many people who cannot engage with you. Maybe meeting one or two fair enough, but if you are meeting "so many people" like this, why do you think this is?

But you know, I discovered that everyone, everyone, is a whole human being with interests and dreams and stories. Everyone. You can find this out if you ask people, openly and without pre-judgment, about their lives and then really listen.

Agree with this.

I find this hard too, especially as I am quiet and find it hard to produce interesting conversation myself so it is a lot easier if you can ask people about their opinions or interests or just generally what they have going on in their life.

Being quiet is definitely my fault/ problem but some people really make it hard as they just don't do anything, care about anything or have an opinion.

I think lockdown has affected a lot of us. I don't know how old you are but listening to people mid thirties to mid forties - life can feel all work and raising a family, with little time for much else. Not everyone has enough spare cash for things they'd like to do. I have a passion but I don't expect it would interest anyone else, and so I wouldn't talk about it. I'm not interesting in debating it either. Why would I waste energy convincing someone else how fascinating it is? I would ask about the other person though, the things that they struggle with and enjoy, even if it's something I couldn't watch on tv. I am super wary of anyone with strong opinions and emotions. It can get confusing quickly. Politics is a risky area. I often stick to safe subjects, even with people I know really well. I'm not looking for people to entertain me. I look for people who have qualities that I'm happy to sit alongside with for a while. I don't get bored with people. I get uncomfortable with unprocessed emotion and strong opinion lacking nuance. This is post lockdown me. Dull, perhaps. I have observed others get very wary of people who enjoy a debate, especially if they don't know them well. I guess you have to feel robust for debate and challenge and well versed in a subject. Lots of people are not feeling robust. Going out still feels like a novelty. I'd give people more of a chance to warm up. Maybe do something together, rather than expect scintillating conversation?

I had a friend who was really hard work - every time we met it was me doing all the talking and in the end I felt like I was interviewing her. I was happy to let the friendship slide but she was the one who kept suggesting we met up! I hate awkward silences so probably gabbed about random crap and just got yes or no answers back.

That's no help OP but maybe they like your company regardless of how much effort they put in. Not much fun for you tho!

@TheGenealogist

Are you talking about my brother and sister-in-law?

They have NO INTERESTS. They don't do anything or go anywhere. No hobbies, no clubs, no "passions" about anything, don't enjoy eating out or cooking, don't go on holidays, have never visited any of the attractions in the major city where they live, not interested in art, or sport, or history, or politics, or ANYTHING. Their children are grown up.

Literally the only things they can talk about are their dog, or what they've watched on TV.

It's utterly fucking mind-numbing.

This is what my PIL have always been like. Even before lockdown. My own DM is a bit of an anti-social hermit but even she watches the news, knows what's going ok and likes to talk about it.

Personally, I do have interests and hobbies. But I don't talk about them a lot because IME people find them not socially acceptable (we all know how MN feels about gaming). I find people don't always like the same books I like to read, don't like the same films etc. So I just don't bother talking about them because it usually kills the conversation anyway. Or turns into 'Why do you like that?'.

Particularly if they are someone who is quite judgemental and likes to talk about what they want to talk about only. A bit like you come across TBH OP.

You would this badly of me on first acquaintance, because I'm naturally reserved except with people I know well and like. If you interrogated me about my interests and views, I'd find you sneering and judgemental and definitely wouldn't be interested in being made to feel inferior by you.

*think badly

@DDIJ out of interest, why wouldn't you want to talk about things you are interested in? There are probably plenty of people who share the same interest :)

Most I met on groups who want to find new people/friends, so we definitely have the same intentions. I also give them plenty of time and room to ask questions etc - doesn't help much. Yes, I a fairly confident, but I can tone it done if I talk to someone shy, not an issue at all - and on balance, I don't struggle to meet new people and make new friends. However, I just seem to have met a recent series of people who don't have any interests at all. I don't think, e.g. hiking, music, etc. are particularly pretentious or intellectual either - they are freely accessible these days.

Back in the days when I encountered real-life people.... I found that many, many people can only talk about their friends and family. And that cuts across all classes and age groups. People can be talking nineteen to the dozen, but it's all about the life and times of their immediate friendship and family group.

If you are a person of limited family and even more limited friends, it is hard to make a connection with such people. I can talk about any subject (er, probably not golf, tbh) but of course I can't join in any conversation about how Jane's gone off with Mike or whether Lucy's new haircut suits her etc etc.