To ask what you talk about with people who have no interests?

[TheBestPlansAlwaysFail]

I am making more of an effort to make some new friends now that lockdown is over.
(We moved back to the city we now live in right before lockdown and most of the people I was friends with when I previously lived here have moved away - so rude of them! )

Anyway, what I noticed is that there seem to be so many people who have absolutely no interests (and some seem to have no personality to top it off). I usually have no issue to find a topic of conversation but with some people, nothing seems to lead anywhere - arts, sports/fitness, science, reading, traveling, music, cooking, pets, gardening,....? They're not interested/scared/don't care. Stuff like politics, social equality, philosophy? They don't have an opinion on it. Work, family, etc? All good but there is not really much to talk about.

It is like drawing blood from a stone. What can you actually talk about with people like this? I am not looking for friendships for life right now, I just want someone to go to the pub and have a half-way decent conversation with - but by the end of these 'conversation', I am just drained and looking for an out. Maybe it is lockdown? Have people forgotten how to hold a conversation?

[quote TheBestPlansAlwaysFail]@DDIJ out of interest, why wouldn't you want to talk about things you are interested in? There are probably plenty of people who share the same interest :)

Most I met on groups who want to find new people/friends, so we definitely have the same intentions. I also give them plenty of time and room to ask questions etc - doesn't help much. Yes, I a fairly confident, but I can tone it done if I talk to someone shy, not an issue at all - and on balance, I don't struggle to meet new people and make new friends. However, I just seem to have met a recent series of people who don't have any interests at all. I don't think, e.g. hiking, music, etc. are particularly pretentious or intellectual either - they are freely accessible these days.[/quote]
As PP have said I think everyone has interests and if it's that difficult between you are them then you just aren't on the same wavelength.

Although equally I don't think most of us have "interests" and "hobbies" in the same way anymore do we?

Out of interest, what are you using to meet these people? Sounds like something I could do with trying!

I suppose if you meet someone once and find them "hard work" conversationally but they want to meet up again, then give them a chance?

It's possible they will open up more over time and feel more comfortable sharing their opinions, life experiences and interests with you.

Some people clam up and freeze a bit in a one to one social situation. Try meeting for a walk or activity so the focus on them is less intense?

That said, there's no point pursuing a friendship if you're boring the socks off each other. Its quite rare I think to find a person who you connect with as a friend on many levels and bounce off each other.

I'm drawn to people who share a similar sense of humour to me. I find it quite tedious to be in the company of someone who wants to be deep and take themselves seriously all the time.

Maybe they don't actually want to meet again, they're just being ridiculously polite? Who knows?

Some people just can’t do it. I remember a woman at playgroup admitting that she only wanted to talk about her children, and that she would bring the conversation back to her children if it went elsewhere. I asked her what she thought other people might think about that, and it had simply never occurred to her that she might be boring the tits off people. As far as she was concerned conversation was for her enjoyment, not a two way thing.

If the majority of these interactions are from Meetup or similar then they mirror my pre-pandemic experience, and isn't necessarily related to lockdown at all. The people you meet through these means fall into two groups.

Group A: Recent move/job change/breakup and looking to connect with people to match their new circumstances - these people join the group, find their friends ( or give up), and stop attending meetups.

Group B: Struggle to make or maintain friendships through casual and mutually enjoyable socialising - for whatever reason. These people stay forever, and have a social life largely made up of organised, open invite events.

Over time, any group will slowly fill up with group B. My tip is to look for, or start, a new group that hasn't filled up with 'regulars' yet.

I fear I have become one of these people! Don’t mean to be, just for the couple of years have had very little time for anything except works and kids. I barely even have had time to watch tv ( does Hey Dugee count?) . I used to have things to talk about, honestly!

@OrangeElk

If the majority of these interactions are from Meetup or similar then they mirror my pre-pandemic experience, and isn't necessarily related to lockdown at all. The people you meet through these means fall into two groups.

Group A: Recent move/job change/breakup and looking to connect with people to match their new circumstances - these people join the group, find their friends ( or give up), and stop attending meetups.

Group B: Struggle to make or maintain friendships through casual and mutually enjoyable socialising - for whatever reason. These people stay forever, and have a social life largely made up of organised, open invite events.

Over time, any group will slowly fill up with group B. My tip is to look for, or start, a new group that hasn't filled up with 'regulars' yet.

That’s pretty much exactly what my sister said when she moved to the UK and joined the local Meet Up. I think her experience was that people in category A identified one another relatively quickly, and if they got on, exchanged contacts and made their own independent arrangements.

I have encountered a few people like this and feel baffled especially as they had placed themselves in a social situation where the usual thing to do is ... meet and talk with people. I'm a bit of an introvert but if I didn't feel like talking/socialising I would just avoid joining a group situation.

Two of these were women I was on two separate courses with and tried to converse with each of them when they joined the common room or pub before/between/after seminars. It was like blood out of a stone. They would respond happily to a greeting and then say almost NOTHING. I would try out some "usual" topics - what they thought of the course/lecturer, how work was going, any holiday plans, but would just get shrugs or monosyllabic replies and no attempt at starting any conversation themselves. The latter woman and I always seemed to arrive at the common room before lectures/seminars at the same time. She would always seek me out and come and sit with me, so I don't think that it could have been that she disliked me, but I found the effort of trying to make conversation so exhausting and dispiriting that after a while I just gave up. I was also curious to see if I didn't speak whether she would. However, after a cheerful "hello, how are you?" we would just sit in complete silence for up to half an hour. Bizarre. I was relieved when that course ended!

Another woman I met at a baby group. One time I spoke to her and she pretty much rolled her eyes and said she didn't much like having conversations as she preferred her own company! 10/10 for honesty but ... what on earth was she doing at a group?

I did notice that the first two women in particular seemed to enjoy watching and listening to other people in the group conversing, would laugh along etc. but not participate. It was as if they saw conversation as something that was there to entertain them, like watching TV, but saw no need to contribute to.

@Notawriteryet

Some people just can’t do it. I remember a woman at playgroup admitting that she only wanted to talk about her children, and that she would bring the conversation back to her children if it went elsewhere. I asked her what she thought other people might think about that, and it had simply never occurred to her that she might be boring the tits off people. As far as she was concerned conversation was for her enjoyment, not a two way thing.

Brilliant :D I remember a work colleague like this, but with gifts. She'd buy people fairly baffling things, but then insisted that she bought people things she herself would like, as the gift was intended not for the recipient's enjoyment but as a memento of her, the giver!

@AnotherMarvellousThing That's exactly what I did, met a couple of like-minded people and we soon went offline with our social life.

I am also lucky to have made one friend who is in secret Category C: Insatiably sociable and tolerant and will continue to go to the groups, harvesting more As to add to our collection haha.

OP - it is worth it, I've been in my city 4 years now and roughly 50% of my friends are directly or indirectly from the group I joined. You just have to be brutal and (gently) drop the people who aren't for you, think of it that you're also preventing them from meeting potentially more suitable pals by flogging the dead horse.

One persons dull is another person's interest. You may find talk of dogs or love Island dull, they may find talk of brexit, kafka or netball dull.

@Hereforthedramaz "New in X"-type Facebook groups and Meet-up groups for people new in town/looking for new friends/shared experiences (e.g. Expat groups). For the most part, it has been a pleasant experience, I could see it be a good place to ease (back) into social situations. I mostly joined because I don't want know all my friends through work, other organisations I'm tied to, or my husband (who grew up here locally).

@honeylulu
I have encountered a few people like this and feel baffled especially as they had placed themselves in a social situation where the usual thing to do is ... meet and talk with people. I'm a bit of an introvert but if I didn't feel like talking/socialising I would just avoid joining a group situation.

See, I don't even mind that - not everyone deals easily with social situations, I applaud anyone who struggles with it and puts themselves out there. And I'll happily sit and chat with someone who is 'socially awkward' or 'clumsy' for lack of a better phrase. What confuses me is that these are all well-travelled and highly-trained women, who - I imagine - must have something interesting to say but they just seem to sit there waiting to be entertained.

[quote OrangeElk]@AnotherMarvellousThing That's exactly what I did, met a couple of like-minded people and we soon went offline with our social life.

I am also lucky to have made one friend who is in secret Category C: Insatiably sociable and tolerant and will continue to go to the groups, harvesting more As to add to our collection haha.

OP - it is worth it, I've been in my city 4 years now and roughly 50% of my friends are directly or indirectly from the group I joined. You just have to be brutal and (gently) drop the people who aren't for you, think of it that you're also preventing them from meeting potentially more suitable pals by flogging the dead horse.[/quote]
Oh, I will, I can believe that someone is having an off day but if someone just doesn't engage, I have no issue to (gently) drop them. Must find a friend from category C ;)

@sweeneytoddsrazor

One persons dull is another person's interest. You may find talk of dogs or love Island dull, they may find talk of brexit, kafka or netball dull.

That is not my issue - but if dogs, love island, brexit, kafka and netball all fail to start a conversation, I am beginning to question what the point of meeting up is. No doubt that question will also remain unanswered.

I did notice that the first two women in particular seemed to enjoy watching and listening to other people in the group conversing, would laugh along etc. but not participate. It was as if they saw conversation as something that was there to entertain them, like watching TV, but saw no need to contribute to.

The above is interesting -I have done this myself! CBA to join in, but appreciated listening and laughed along.

The colleague I share my office with has absolutely no interests beyond what's on the TV. It's a struggle having to listen to detailed monologues about what she's watched. Even the standard office conversation about what you did at the weekend will involve her describing in detail every single TV show and film she saw. She often says 'I can't wait for the weekend because there's so much good Telly on'! I find it mind numbingly boring having to feign polite interest for the sake of a good working relationship.

Most I met on groups who want to find new people/friends, so we definitely have the same intentions.

Well yes but as pp said that doesn't work very well. Only having "loneliness" in common isn't an efficient way to find compatible people.

I am beginning to question what the point of meeting up is. No doubt that question will also remain unanswered.

What you probably need is to join a crafting group or a sports club or a political campaign or a book club etc. Something where people who share one of your many interests gather where you all have a shared activity or purpose to talk about and give the meetup a point. "How's your knitted cat project going? I really liked your teacosy, how do you do the tricky bit round the spout?" and "Did you enjoy the surrealist exhibition on Friday? What did you think of the Dali? Where shall we go next?" make for better conversation.

And for general chat a walkers' group is often better than a pub.

Well I think you sound great OP. I’d meet you for a drink.

And I know exactly the type of people you mean. I met one at a networking/social event this weekend, I gave up trying to drag a conversation out of her after 20 minutes or so as it was exhausting, yet she followed me around for the rest of the day and literally sprinted across the dining room with her plate of buffet food to sit next to me at lunch. The whole point of the day was to network with people in the same industry (and we’re all self employed so it was our choice to be there) and it’s so easy to spark up a conversation at these things.

I don’t know why she attended. Totally baffling.

@YouJustDoYou

However, I just seem to have met a recent series of people who don't have any interests at all

Oh, they will do. They just don't want to have to talk to YOU about it.

What the fuck is wrong with people on mumsnet? Why be so rude?

I don’t know why she attended. Totally baffling.

She talked to you. Probably that's extended her network. She probably doesn't find it easy to start a conversation. I didn't know that being self employed in a specific industry automatically made everyone outgoing and able to start conversations with many strangers at a single event. It's not something I could do myself, though for that reason I avoid that kind of event... and then of course the people who run them wonder why not everyone goes. I prefer longer slower interactions with a small number of people. With more than a couple of contacts I can't even remember what different people said.

I don't share much hobbies with my friends. Some of them are gaming fans, some are cinema freaks, some are just generally walking encyclopedia of pop culture, I'm a history and design person.

But we talk about life really. Relationships. What we like, what we don't like, other people, how we feel about society, about the past, about the future, we theorise, we find patterns...

For example, recently, I wanted to know EVERYTHING about nuclear plants, just wanted to know how it worked.
So I watched stuff, read stuff, and met my friends afterwards making grand statements such as "Guys, I know how nuclear plants work, it's just a big kettle"
2 min of QA, enough to realise that of course I don't know much about nuclear plants, and then jokes and experience-sharing around how we all think we're experts after we read one article, what podcasts we've been listening to, how cooking and cleaning is the perfect occasion to listen to podcasts, how cleaning is soul-crushing (them), how cleaning is therapeutical (that's me), then we talk about our quirks ("I hate touching sponges" "I have a very poor opinion of people who don't make their bed") we laugh etc etc...

Seinfeld (the series) is really good at highlighting how mundane conversations can create familiarity and be seriously funny. When there's fun, there's a bond.
I'm not sure that I've cracked the conversation code yet, but my theory is that it's about that. Theorising. About everything. You notice something, you try to find a pattern, you theorise about it, and then the other person adds up with their experience, you expand the theory, it's a game really.

This said, some people are dull, nothing you can do about that (that's my theory)

@lokomojo

For one reason or another I've spent a lot of time on night shifts with people very different to me. At first, as a young woman, I really struggled to know what to talk about and how to relate to them, because I had only really known a very 'topic-based' way of talking to others. But you know, I discovered that everyone, everyone, is a whole human being with interests and dreams and stories. Everyone. You can find this out if you ask people, openly and without pre-judgment, about their lives and then really listen.

That's such a lovely post lokomojo. And very true. OP, I would try to get off the subjects and explore the people themselves, their dreams. Ask more, say less and always be interested. People surprise you!

@FastFood

I don't share much hobbies with my friends. Some of them are gaming fans, some are cinema freaks, some are just generally walking encyclopedia of pop culture, I'm a history and design person.

But we talk about life really. Relationships. What we like, what we don't like, other people, how we feel about society, about the past, about the future, we theorise, we find patterns...

For example, recently, I wanted to know EVERYTHING about nuclear plants, just wanted to know how it worked.
So I watched stuff, read stuff, and met my friends afterwards making grand statements such as "Guys, I know how nuclear plants work, it's just a big kettle"
2 min of QA, enough to realise that of course I don't know much about nuclear plants, and then jokes and experience-sharing around how we all think we're experts after we read one article, what podcasts we've been listening to, how cooking and cleaning is the perfect occasion to listen to podcasts, how cleaning is soul-crushing (them), how cleaning is therapeutical (that's me), then we talk about our quirks ("I hate touching sponges" "I have a very poor opinion of people who don't make their bed") we laugh etc etc...

Seinfeld (the series) is really good at highlighting how mundane conversations can create familiarity and be seriously funny. When there's fun, there's a bond.
I'm not sure that I've cracked the conversation code yet, but my theory is that it's about that. Theorising. About everything. You notice something, you try to find a pattern, you theorise about it, and then the other person adds up with their experience, you expand the theory, it's a game really.

This said, some people are dull, nothing you can do about that (that's my theory)

Very excellent post too

Talking about the weather is always a big hit.

I've met people like this. I find it baffling. There are the people who seem to have no interests and very little knowledge of the world around them - barely know who the PM is, let alone hold an opinion on Keir Starmer - and meet every attempt at conversation with a blank look.

I've also met people who have interests but who don't seem to want to talk about them at all. "Oh I go kayaking sometimes, but I won't bore you with that." Dude, I'm already bored, you may as well tell me something interesting - an anecdote about a thing you did in a kayak, something about kayak design / history / development, the best place you've kayaked, the fastest you've been - literally anything is better than a forced silence when we're stuck next to each other for however long! I don't mind awkward, weird, daft, and I don't mind if people want to get their footing in the conversation with a bit of a ramble about their work / kids / OH / something meaningless, I just want something other than a blank look.

Fortunately I tend to meet people through various sports so I'm generally good for fun conversation, but sometimes you're stuck in a work / forced social situation with others and it can be interminable.

It doesn't sound like the OP does this but some people do stray from a conversation to a lecture on topics. Or alternatively interviewing the other person.

Neither make a nice conversation for the other person.

As PP have said I'd be wary of conversations focused solely on "topics" some people just don't chat that way.

My boss has a networking technique which is to have 3 interesting topics to bring up at any networking etc events. Personally I think it comes of as a lecture and (unintentionally) a show that they know more than the conversee. But it is a recognised tactic.