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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you talk about with people who have no interests?

239 replies

TheBestPlansAlwaysFail · 02/08/2021 08:09

I am making more of an effort to make some new friends now that lockdown is over.
(We moved back to the city we now live in right before lockdown and most of the people I was friends with when I previously lived here have moved away - so rude of them! Wink)

Anyway, what I noticed is that there seem to be so many people who have absolutely no interests (and some seem to have no personality to top it off). I usually have no issue to find a topic of conversation but with some people, nothing seems to lead anywhere - arts, sports/fitness, science, reading, traveling, music, cooking, pets, gardening,....? They're not interested/scared/don't care. Stuff like politics, social equality, philosophy? They don't have an opinion on it. Work, family, etc? All good but there is not really much to talk about.

It is like drawing blood from a stone. What can you actually talk about with people like this? I am not looking for friendships for life right now, I just want someone to go to the pub and have a half-way decent conversation with - but by the end of these 'conversation', I am just drained and looking for an out. Maybe it is lockdown? Have people forgotten how to hold a conversation?

OP posts:
eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 09:35

Anything light hearted...try to get something that fits with their age or situation (example: parents of a baby, you can talk about baby stuff...fascinating as it might be!)

Ask as many questions as you can.

Sometimes you just end up looking like an idiot because you basically talk about any crap: travel, local restaurants, local news. Skim the news before you meet so you can talk about
the olympics
the wildfires in Turkey
where do they go on holiday, where do they like to go on holiday, where they would like to go...
tv

The majority of people do like talking about themselves, so push with questions without sounding like a weirdo or a lunatic.

it's very boring but small talk is easy.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 09:36

but don't necessarily want to chat with those who they don't know, and aren't really interested in making new friends.

absolutely
but if they go to the pub with the OP, surely you could expect a bit of a chit chat, it's weird!

MrsPsmalls · 02/08/2021 09:37

Absolutely no one has no interests! They just don't care to share them with you. Most adults are not looking to make new friendships with randoms as they already have their lives set up as they want them. So they just make chit chat with you and don't invest energy in you as they are not looking to develop a proper relationship with you.

Shedbuilder · 02/08/2021 09:39

You have my sympathy, OP. I'm just back from a weekend away where I met and talked to at least 50 new people and I'd say that at least half of them were conversationally challenged. Most of them were of a similar age and similar background to me, so it wasn't a generational or cultural issue. I kept it light, I listened, I asked gentle leading questions, I showed an interest, I smiled, I was amused — and still much of the time it was like having trying to have a conversation with a wall. I got into the habit of moving swiftly on. There's no point in trying to have a conversation with people who don't have anything to say.

I noticed how much better at talking and relating a lot of the older people were. My best chat of the weekend was with a lovely 90-year-old man who really engaged. We both came away smiling and feeling lifted by our contact. He was far less self-absorbed and interested in what was going on in the world than most of the people there.

I wish you'd been there, OP. We could have had a long conversation about books and film and history and current affairs and life in general and left the boring ones to entertain each other.

Malteser71 · 02/08/2021 09:40

I sympathise.

I bet these people love you, too. You provide conversation.

I have a neighbour like this, she has nothing to say, however she’s been out walking with me a couple of times and she’s decided she enjoys it so much that she wants to join me on every walk.

I’d rather walk alone in my headphones than be responsible for the conversation.

Branleuse · 02/08/2021 09:40

A lot of people are just really boring and concentrate most on being nice and innoffensive. You cant even get to know them properly.
Youll find your people.

Lavender24 · 02/08/2021 09:41

If conversation doesn't flow naturally with someone maybe your personalities just aren't compatible?

I don't have a long list of extensive hobbies (my life is pretty boring tbh) but I can chat away to most people about random stuff.

Just read your last update - in my experience when I have chatted to people just because they wanted a friend it never really turned into anything. I think you're more likely to make friends via hobby/shared interest groups. Most of my friends I met at school (so lots of shared history) or I have met through vegan/animal rescue groups so we all have that in common.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 02/08/2021 09:42

@Guineapigbridge

However, I just seem to have met a recent series of people who don't have any interests at all Global pandemic got anything to do with a lack of interesting stories?
It might explain the lack of recent stories, but that doesn't account for the many years of someone's life prior to covid that they potentially have done things to talk about. It also wouldn't stop people chatting about what they would love to do if there were no restrictions. It's like some people not only have done very little with their lives, but also have no dreams or desire to do anything either. That's fine if they're happy, but it does make them difficult to chat with.
LouLou789 · 02/08/2021 09:51

I really empathise. We’ve just moved to a new area and are making massive efforts to make new friends and establish local connections. Tbh, it sounds as if the people you are chatting with aren’t necessarily on your wavelength. The age old technique of asking an open question or two doesn’t always work because you can receive the answer “Nothing, really” I sometimes ask for advice, thereby back-footing myself (which can give them more confidence to express themselves) Something like what shop is best for X, or a (sincere!) compliment to them on their hair/top/bag. When they do say something, really really listen to them. Since we’ve moved I’ve noticed how few people listen, eg often asking me where we’ve moved from when I just told them in the previous sentence. Good luck, I’m sort of on the same mission.

Ponoka7 · 02/08/2021 09:54

@MrsPsmalls, did you miss the bit were the OP explained that these are people looking for friends, via an online meetups group?
There are people whose interests don't expand beyond television.

They're similar to people who have cars, but don't drive out of their immediate area, but won't get public transport because 'they've got the car'.

lightand · 02/08/2021 09:56

fwiw, when at funerals, I find the most interesting part of a person's life tends to be the part between leaving schoo,l and getting married/having a partner/kids.
You could try asking about that part of their lives??

Shedbuilder · 02/08/2021 09:58

OP, I've just seen that these people are online looking for friends and it occurs to me that they're online looking for friends because they can't make friends the usual way — by meeting random people, striking up conversations and getting to know each other.

Malteser71, I share your pain. I used to live in a rural area and I had a silent but clingy neighbour who several times a week used to 'coincidentally' go for a walk at exactly the time I was going and accompany me. Getting a word out of her was like getting blood out of a stone. I ended up sneaking the dog out of the house at odd hours to avoid her.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 02/08/2021 10:02

Op is love someone to go out for a drink with. Pity you’re not in my area ☹️

Regularsizedrudy · 02/08/2021 10:03

You don’t have a right to know peoples interests and just because they don’t want to talk to you doesn’t mean they don’t have a personality. I think I would find you very intrusive and wouldn’t particularly want to talk to you.

BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 02/08/2021 10:06

I don’t have any interests whatsoever and now you’ve made me feel really bad OP so cheers for that. I’m just not that good at anything, even though I’ve tried.

LuxOlente · 02/08/2021 10:08

Some people are genuinely like this, though. They don't have interests. My parents are proud to boast that they 'do nothing' and 'never go anywhere', because everywhere is 'rubbish', and all they want to do is wake up and watch television. The only thing my mum can talk about it television, which I don't watch. I don't tell her anything about our lives, because she interrupts with how 'silly' it is to have hobbies, to go to places, to travel or to 'have opinions'. She genuinely says being 'opinionated is unattractive'.

I found similar at the school gates. I have no desire to discuss my kids at all, but if they didn't work or have any interests or follow the news or watch TV/films or anything, there was nothing to talk about.

AnotherMarvellousThing · 02/08/2021 10:08

@Regularsizedrudy

You don’t have a right to know peoples interests and just because they don’t want to talk to you doesn’t mean they don’t have a personality. I think I would find you very intrusive and wouldn’t particularly want to talk to you.
But these are people meeting on groups where the point is to find new friends, and who keep trying to prevent the OP leaving and to get her to commit to another meeting! To be frank, surely even the thickest person would realise that there has to be something in these encounters for the OP, other than sitting like a Quaker meeting?
LuxOlente · 02/08/2021 10:09

@BananaMilkshakeWithCream

I don’t have any interests whatsoever and now you’ve made me feel really bad OP so cheers for that. I’m just not that good at anything, even though I’ve tried.
She said "have interests", not "be good at things". You can have lots of interests - they are things that interest you, not things you're good at.

Surely something much interest you enough to talk about it for a few moments? How can you have 'no interests whatsoever'? Is your brain just white noise?

AnotherMarvellousThing · 02/08/2021 10:09

@BananaMilkshakeWithCream

I don’t have any interests whatsoever and now you’ve made me feel really bad OP so cheers for that. I’m just not that good at anything, even though I’ve tried.
No one has suggested you need to be talented at anything. The OP is talking about having any topics of conversation!
LuxOlente · 02/08/2021 10:12

@MrsPsmalls

Absolutely no one has no interests! They just don't care to share them with you. Most adults are not looking to make new friendships with randoms as they already have their lives set up as they want them. So they just make chit chat with you and don't invest energy in you as they are not looking to develop a proper relationship with you.
She's literally talking about meet-up groups for adults making friends. The aim is to attend and converse.

And yes, some people are utter dullards with no interests. They wake up, sit by the window or television until nightfall. My mother does and it's pretty baffling, and also pretty sad, but she doesn't want to do anything else and refuses any attempt to make her do something else. She only wants to watch television and play little Facebook clicky games. She doesn't want to see her grandchildren, or go outside or to a place, or anything.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 10:21

I found similar at the school gates. I have no desire to discuss my kids at all, but if they didn't work or have any interests or follow the news or watch TV/films or anything, there was nothing to talk about.

it only means people are happy to make small talks but don't want to engage further, not that they have any interest. I wouldn't even discuss my job at the school gates with a random!

Notawriteryet · 02/08/2021 10:25

Being a conversationalist is a skill. We were taught it at school (that’s what naice gals learn) and actually it has stood me in good stead. Open questions, gentle anecdotes, heartfelt compliments etc. Mostly it’s reciprocated but occasionally it’s like pulling teeth.

I do think though that some women are socialised not to have any strong opinions for risk of offending. I find that incredibly tedious.

Imcatmum · 02/08/2021 10:26

Everyone has something to say in my experience. And little passions and opinions and happinesses and frustrations. It's easy to lean on an interest or hobby for topic but if that doesn't pinpoint something, asking them about their family or work or even TV can lead you into an actual conversation about something.

OrchestraOfWankery · 02/08/2021 10:34

@TheGenealogist

Are you talking about my brother and sister-in-law?

They have NO INTERESTS. They don't do anything or go anywhere. No hobbies, no clubs, no "passions" about anything, don't enjoy eating out or cooking, don't go on holidays, have never visited any of the attractions in the major city where they live, not interested in art, or sport, or history, or politics, or ANYTHING. Their children are grown up.

Literally the only things they can talk about are their dog, or what they've watched on TV.

It's utterly fucking mind-numbing.

They sound so restful! I'd love them! Grin
50ShadesOfCatholic · 02/08/2021 10:44

Some people are mind numbingly dull. They have no knowledge, experience or indeed curiosity of the wider world. Just smile, do the breezy hellos and save your energy for the right people. They're out there and you will find them!