To ask what you talk about with people who have no interests?

[TheBestPlansAlwaysFail]

I am making more of an effort to make some new friends now that lockdown is over.
(We moved back to the city we now live in right before lockdown and most of the people I was friends with when I previously lived here have moved away - so rude of them! )

Anyway, what I noticed is that there seem to be so many people who have absolutely no interests (and some seem to have no personality to top it off). I usually have no issue to find a topic of conversation but with some people, nothing seems to lead anywhere - arts, sports/fitness, science, reading, traveling, music, cooking, pets, gardening,....? They're not interested/scared/don't care. Stuff like politics, social equality, philosophy? They don't have an opinion on it. Work, family, etc? All good but there is not really much to talk about.

It is like drawing blood from a stone. What can you actually talk about with people like this? I am not looking for friendships for life right now, I just want someone to go to the pub and have a half-way decent conversation with - but by the end of these 'conversation', I am just drained and looking for an out. Maybe it is lockdown? Have people forgotten how to hold a conversation?

I’m naturally quite quiet, especially when I’m not already close to someone. It doesn’t really relate to the number of hobbies or interests I have!

What I have found though is that I’m very comfortable with some silences within a conversation, and don’t feel the need to immediately try and think of the next thing to say to break the silence. But some people (not all) seem to hate this and will desperately say anything just to avoid a brief silence. Which to me is really counterproductive as I find the awkward conversation that then ensues more awkward that a bit of silence would have been!

If you look at the amount of posts on aibu compared to the topic boards
you'll see that most people don't really want to talk about topics and hobbies, they want to give their opinion on if they think other people are doing life right!

I think pretty much everyone is interested in something, but not everyone is comfortable just chatting. Covid has made this much worse. I read a lot, am doing art, and have views about a wide range of things. I can hold my own in a wide variety of topics. I am fortunate to be well educated and to have traveled a lot in the past few years.

But it is scary to bring up so many subjects now because of the woke thing. I feel I can't talk about holidays I'd like to have, cooking, places I'd like to visit in my province, health, the environment, etc, etc. I am constantly afraid I will offend someone and will be considered a cretin of some sort. Yet I am open to discussion and I love a good debate.

The news here in British Columbia, Canada is endless woke and guilt. I don't disagree with much of it, but it brooks no debate.

Sad really.

@lokomojo

For one reason or another I've spent a lot of time on night shifts with people very different to me. At first, as a young woman, I really struggled to know what to talk about and how to relate to them, because I had only really known a very 'topic-based' way of talking to others. But you know, I discovered that everyone, everyone, is a whole human being with interests and dreams and stories. Everyone. You can find this out if you ask people, openly and without pre-judgment, about their lives and then really listen.

'Charm' is a difficult-to-define personality trait, but you just managed to describe it. Listening to others and feeling heard is so important and is one of the ways that makes a person seem 'charming' to others. If only more people were like you!

@Nightlystroll

This is embarrassing to me because I don't think I have any particular interests either. Nor do any of my friends and yet we chat away for hours. But I can't tell you what about really. Just stuff. We'd be dreadfully boring to the intellectually elite of MN.

Where has anyone said that in order to participate in a proper conversation, you need to discuss ‘intellectually elite’ subjects?

The OP has joined a meet-up group to make new friends, as people do when they move house/job or experience other life changes. She’s met some people who seemingly want to be friends with her but want her to take full responsibilit6nfor the conversation whilst they sit there giving monosyllabic answers and contribut8ng nothing.

The discussion moved on to people who are hard work at social events, and when persuaded to talk seem capable only of talking about themselves and their interests with no concept that a conversation is a two way street.

It’s quite remarkable how people can read this and somehow find an insult. You’re clearly interested in something - your ‘stuff’ - or you wouldn’t be chatting for hours about it, would you? So why be insecure about some imagined ‘intellectual elite’ to the extent that you’re snarking about it on a thread that has nothing to do with intellectual capability and everything to do with social skills?

@Nightlystroll

This is embarrassing to me because I don't think I have any particular interests either. Nor do any of my friends and yet we chat away for hours. But I can't tell you what about really. Just stuff. We'd be dreadfully boring to the intellectually elite of MN.

You don't have to have interests or hobbies — I think that's been a bit of a red herring. You just have to have an opinion or a preference or a point of view on something, anything, that you can talk about. That will almost inevitably lead to something else and if you're talking to someone who's a good conversationalist you'll be off on a good conversation. But you have to make a bit of effort, it's teamwork.

The 90-something gent I spoke to at an event at the weekend talked about his early life and his wartime experiences, but not in a boring or bragging or obsessive way, and he asked me about myself and my parents and related what he'd been saying about his own life to life now and things I and my parents had been through. We probably talked for half an hour, and because we were listening to each other and genuinely interested we had that lovely sense of a connection and a delight in each other that crosses age, sex, race and experience. We made each others' day: we both said that. It made all the other dreary conversations about peoples' grandchildren, the weather and the traffic worthwhile.

I'm still struggling to understand why people would want to gather in a pub, exchange a few 'hellos' and 'How are you/ I'm fine, thank yous' and then sit silently around a table together, looking at their drinks. Do they think this is what socialising is about? Do they go so that the next day at work they can say 'I was out at the pub with my friends last night'?

Is this retreat from conversation linked to the epidemic of loneliness I keep reading about? Are people who can't connect through conversation more inclined to be lonely, do you think? Or maybe they are the least lonely because they don't need the connection created by good communication.

Many people don’t have hobbies or interests but manage perfectly well to have conversations. Some people are terrible at listening to others or asking them questions. They just don’t seem to be interested in anyone but happily go on and on about themselves. I find if you don’t then ask the next question, they just stop talking, it gets a bit awkward and they start looking at their phone or something.
If, however, they can’t even talk when asked a question, there’s not much you can do.

I don’t know if I have ‘interests’ as such. I read a lot, enjoy my pet, cinema, food, music. I can talk politics and ishoos, but I wouldn’t want to spend the whole night discussing Keir Starmer or Brexit! I’d find that tedious.
I find that with new people I either click with them or not, has nothing to do with interests although it helps if you both like similar things. I do enjoy talking about books but it’s more a 10 min part of a convo, wouldn’t base a whole evening around it!

Who said that you had to spend the entire evening talking about Kier Starmer, Brexit or books? Nobody.

Do people read these threads selectively, ignore the subject then think, “what can I say about ME even if it’s only peripherally connected”?

That might explain some of the stories we have heard on this thread.

I have a couple of friends who I realise I look forward to meeting up with more than others. Whenever we meet up they launch into a lively: 'Oh the other day I went to this talk/reads this book/went on a course about XYZ and it was so interesting because...' and we end up discussing ideas or new scientific breakthroughs or something. We're not scientists, we're not vastly intellectual but we prefer discussing what's going on in the world than gossiping about people we know. So I totally get OP's longing for people who just seem engaged with something more than their own family life. By contrast when I go to parties or out with friends who talk only about their families I feel drained. Much as I love their families and genuinely want to know what they are up to, I'd like the conversation to branch out a bit more.

@robotcollision

I have a couple of friends who I realise I look forward to meeting up with more than others. Whenever we meet up they launch into a lively: 'Oh the other day I went to this talk/reads this book/went on a course about XYZ and it was so interesting because...' and we end up discussing ideas or new scientific breakthroughs or something. We're not scientists, we're not vastly intellectual but we prefer discussing what's going on in the world than gossiping about people we know. So I totally get OP's longing for people who just seem engaged with something more than their own family life. By contrast when I go to parties or out with friends who talk only about their families I feel drained. Much as I love their families and genuinely want to know what they are up to, I'd like the conversation to branch out a bit more.

Perhaps we know some of the same people because I love those kind of bouncy conversations. I listen to Radio 4 a fair bit and most days there's something on there that gives me food for thought and something to discuss with like-minded people who enjoy kicking ideas around.

@Iamthewombat

"So why be insecure about some imagined ‘intellectual elite’ to the extent that you’re snarking about it on a thread that has nothing to do with intellectual capability and everything to do with social skills?"

Op wrote: Stuff like politics, social equality, philosophy?

It sounds like intellectually elite content to me.

She named several topics that she’d be interested in talking about. She didn’t say that she only wanted to discuss those things, or that anyone she was friends with would be required to talk about those things all night to the exclusion of anything else. You seem to be quite invested in the idea of a MN ‘intellectual elite’ looking down on you. Why is that?

[quote Nightlystroll]@Iamthewombat

"So why be insecure about some imagined ‘intellectual elite’ to the extent that you’re snarking about it on a thread that has nothing to do with intellectual capability and everything to do with social skills?"

Op wrote: Stuff like politics, social equality, philosophy?

It sounds like intellectually elite content to me.[/quote]
Just an idea of a few of the things that would fit under those headings:

Politics: potholes in the local roads, library closures, bins and recycling, strange things they're teaching kids in school these days, worries about how you're ever going to afford to retire/ buy a house, global warming, what was Trump about, wtf has your local councillor/ MP been saying this week, should cruise liners or. planes be banned, (and on and on ad infinitum)

Social equality: worries about getting a child into the best local school, broadband problems, BLM, have you seen the price of (insert product here)?!, women working, are cockerpoos middle-class indicators?, single parenthood, employment opportunities and issues, benefits, concerns with funding a university course, musings on why rich people/ Boris/ certain footballers get away with things and others don't, food banks, homelessness, transport issues, accents, ruddy public schools...

Philosophy: do you believe in fate/ god/ luck/ karma/ Father Christmas/ the Loch Ness monster? If so why? Have you ever thought about what happens when we die? Coincidence. Ghosts and spirits. Keep Calm and Carry On: good life advice or not? Is home really where the hearth is? Has modern technology changed the way we think and relate to each other? And most stuff that starts with 'I think' or 'I believe'. It doesn't all have to be about Aristotle or Kierekegaard.

You probably talk about and think about all those things at some point, you just don't classify them under the headings Politics, Social Equality or Philosophy.

You seem to be quite invested in the idea of a MN ‘intellectual elite’ looking down on you. Why is that?

Op asked why she couldn't get people to have a decent convo with and asked for opinions. If someone asked me whether my life was more influenced by Sartres existentialism or Neitzsches nihilism, I wouldn't want to engage either. I was pointing out that someone who wants to chat with people, shouldn't start out with such intellectual topics.

You seem to be offended by my comments but I've looked through some of your posts and I can reassure you I wasn't referring to you when I was talking about the intellectual elite.

@shedbuilder. Yeah, op wasn't talking about potholes, cockerpoos or Nessie. And if she was, that's just another reason she can't engage anyone.

[quote Nightlystroll]@shedbuilder. Yeah, op wasn't talking about potholes, cockerpoos or Nessie. And if she was, that's just another reason she can't engage anyone.[/quote]
But how on earth would you know what exactly the OP would consider to come under the headings of politics, philosophy etc? And what do you consider appropriately engaging topics of conversation, if you think potholes, cockerpoos or the Loch Ness monster are debarred?

How much time are you spending talking to these people? If they are people you've only recently met, it may not be that they don't have inner passions but that they don't want to share them with you until they know you better.

So many people are judgemental about the interests of others, they don't necessarily want to expose themselves to that. Especially if they've been burned before.

I was badly bullied as a child for like 'cringe' music and having 'boring' hobbies. As an adult I don't tend to talk about things like being an avid reader of historical romance (or as some people call it stupid chick lit trash for people who can't handle 'serious literature') or an enthusiastic knitter (saddo grandma hobby) who also enjoys playing video games (waste of time/only for manchildren) unless I know the person I'm talking to well enough to trust that they will at least be respectful of those interests, if not share them.

To somebody I've just met or who has not given me the impression of being positive about such topics, I probably come across much like the people you're referring too, but not sharing what is in their head doesn't mean there's nothing there.

The OP said:

'I usually have no issue to find a topic of conversation but with some people, nothing seems to lead anywhere - arts, sports/fitness, science, reading, traveling, music, cooking, pets, gardening,....?'

Are you classifying talking about your pets or the Olympics as intellectual and elitist?

You seem to be offended by my comments but I've looked through some of your posts and I can reassure you I wasn't referring to you when I was talking about the intellectual elite.

Is this you being waspish? It’s not working. Thanks for the laugh, though!

Be careful of turning into an online stalker, though. That intellectual elite you are worried about won’t like that, either.

[quote Nightlystroll]@shedbuilder. Yeah, op wasn't talking about potholes, cockerpoos or Nessie. And if she was, that's just another reason she can't engage anyone.[/quote]
Well, we sometimes get to puppysit our neighbour's cockerpoo - and we are in Scotland, so most expats have a story about going up to Loch Ness and promptly falling into mud as they exit the bus or something similar. Maybe I should mention these topics more, thanks for the ideas ;)

@Iamthewombat

You seem to be offended by my comments but I've looked through some of your posts and I can reassure you I wasn't referring to you when I was talking about the intellectual elite.

Is this you being waspish? It’s not working. Thanks for the laugh, though!

Be careful of turning into an online stalker, though. That intellectual elite you are worried about won’t like that, either.

I'm never waspish. I was trying to be kind and put your mind at rest because you seemed so upset. Now don't you worry your little head about the elite and me, which I know you mean kindly, because I'm pretty sure they and I will come to an accommodation.

@Blithepilgrim

But how on earth would you know what exactly the OP would consider to come under the headings of politics, philosophy etc? And what do you consider appropriately engaging topics of conversation, if you think potholes, cockerpoos or the Loch Ness monster are debarred?

I know she wasn't talking about any of these things under politics, philosophy etc, because she'd already listed travelling and pets as subjects which she'd dismissed. And potholes and Nessie are under travelling and cockerpoos are definitely pets.

You are funny. You’re one of those people who will look for a slight, real or imagined, then devote your attention to punishing the perpetrator. It must get tiresome, being like that. Sympathy. Unless it’s a hobby you didn’t know you had?

@TheBestPlansAlwaysFail

Hehe, always happy to help. You sound like good fun so as long as you avoid Descartes and Kant, you'll have people flocking to you in no time.