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Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what you talk about with people who have no interests?

239 replies

TheBestPlansAlwaysFail · 02/08/2021 08:09

I am making more of an effort to make some new friends now that lockdown is over.
(We moved back to the city we now live in right before lockdown and most of the people I was friends with when I previously lived here have moved away - so rude of them! )

Anyway, what I noticed is that there seem to be so many people who have absolutely no interests (and some seem to have no personality to top it off). I usually have no issue to find a topic of conversation but with some people, nothing seems to lead anywhere - arts, sports/fitness, science, reading, traveling, music, cooking, pets, gardening,....? They're not interested/scared/don't care. Stuff like politics, social equality, philosophy? They don't have an opinion on it. Work, family, etc? All good but there is not really much to talk about.

It is like drawing blood from a stone. What can you actually talk about with people like this? I am not looking for friendships for life right now, I just want someone to go to the pub and have a half-way decent conversation with - but by the end of these 'conversation', I am just drained and looking for an out. Maybe it is lockdown? Have people forgotten how to hold a conversation?

OP posts:

UnsuitableHat · 02/08/2021 08:56

Sounds like you’ve been quite unlucky with the people you’ve met. If you take an interest in other people and their ‘stuff’, there’s normally some conversation to be had, whether or not you end up going to the pub together. Keep trying!

YouJustDoYou · 02/08/2021 08:59

However, I just seem to have met a recent series of people who don't have any interests at all

Oh, they will do. They just don't want to have to talk to YOU about it.

whatinthenameofhen · 02/08/2021 09:00

Just find some other people to hang out with that you do gel with. It takes all kinds.

SmileyClare · 02/08/2021 09:04

So you're meeting up with people online who are specifically looking to make friends in your area?

Perhaps arrange a group meeting? A one to one "date" in a pub with a stranger you are hoping to strike up a friendship with is a tough gig. It sounds really awkward.

I can converse with most people but you can't force a friendship. I wonder if you need to relax and make friends in a more organic way, through shared experiences and interests, rather than searching online.

Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 02/08/2021 09:04

@TheGenealogist oh Christ, this sounds like my BIL & his girlfriend.
What tattoo they want next and what takeaway they’re having for tea. Mind. Numbing.

StrangeToSee · 02/08/2021 09:07

Two tactics: either ask lots of open questions and show an interest in their family/where they grew up/their job etc.

Or talk about your own interests until they get bored and start interrupting. Eventually you’ll say something they find interesting and they’ll ask more about it. This is how I used to get very nervous patients to relax around me when nobody else could build a rapport or get any info from them. If someone’s very anxious or shy they often don’t mind listening or half listening (provided they’re under no pressure to talk) and normally visibly relax after a bit and start joining in. You have to have a lot of things to chatter about though and keep jumping from topic to topic, almost like you’re talking to yourself. Sometimes I used to tell funny stories against myself or just reminisce out loud. As soon as they joined in we’d stay on that topic, sometimes they’d change the subject so I’d let them lead.

I quite like people who do this to me in social situations too as I don’t always have the energy to talk after work, or don’t want to bore them. So I let them chat away until I find something interesting to turn into a conversation!

Original poster

TheBestPlansAlwaysFail · 02/08/2021 09:08

@YouJustDoYou

However, I just seem to have met a recent series of people who don't have any interests at all

Oh, they will do. They just don't want to have to talk to YOU about it.

Which would be fair enough - but then it doesn't explain why they try to make me stay longer or keep asking to meet again.

OP posts:

BobLemon · 02/08/2021 09:09

My manager, when getting people at work together on a Teams social, tends to ask the group for recommendations what to watch on Netflix. I’m sure they have no intention of watching anything, but it gets people talking. At the risk of fanning flames, are these men, women or a mix? On MN it always seems like men have more hobbies and I think I do see that IRL.

Houseofvelour · 02/08/2021 09:09

I haaaate people like this. I have two young children so currently have no time for hobbies but I have lots of interests.
I'm a very chatty person and can strike up a conversation with most people so when I meet someone who has nothing to say, I find it really uncomfortable.

Guineapigbridge · 02/08/2021 09:10

However, I just seem to have met a recent series of people who don't have any interests at all
Global pandemic got anything to do with a lack of interesting stories?

Oblomov21 · 02/08/2021 09:13

I do think this is kind of a wierd attitude. Yes some people are a bit more difficult to talk to than others, especially if they are very shy, but you can always find something to talk about.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/08/2021 09:14

Covid has defently affected my remit of conversation topics lately

Not really any new movies/shows being made (this is changing)
Holidays restricted/cancelled
No opportunity to try new restaurants/bars
Theatre shows cancelled

Hot topics in the news/online are:-
Political handling of covid
Brexit
Trans issues

None of these are areas I actually want to spend any time chatting about in my downtime as they are so fucking boring or will lead to me being mislabelled as transphobic.

PearlFriday · 02/08/2021 09:15

My interests are quite solitary but I don't find that having ''interests'' or matching interests is any big clue to whether or not two people can talk to each other.
Do they have an opinion on something? Can they present it calmly knowing it's their opinion. Do they ask you what you think? Do they ask you questions? Everybody is informed about something, concerned about something, why?

What do they ponder....
Are they self-aware?

Interesests are actually quite a restrictive springboard because if you know nothing about cricket and i know nothing about dressage then we both have ''interests'' but nothing to say.

tiredanddangerous · 02/08/2021 09:15

Many people don't want to share their life story with a stranger they've just met op. It takes time for people to open up and share their views. Especially if they're a massive introvert like me.

Maybe the people you're chatting to don't want to make new friends?

nembrotha · 02/08/2021 09:16

A lot of people with more niche interests have probably had people roll their eyes and call them weird when they have mentioned their hobbies before.

Therefore they stick to the safe topics of tv and the dog.

For example like PP I'm into gaming, I also like adult Lego, science fiction books, interesting scientific discoveries and maps.

Original poster

TheBestPlansAlwaysFail · 02/08/2021 09:17

@BobLemon

It has been a mix but the "I have no interests"-group were all women (thus far anyway) - none of them had children, though, so I don't think it is the "DH has started to go cycling"-effect. I remember similar from some of the online dating men but the match-% may have saved me from the worst.

Tried Netflix on a number of occasions, including yesterday - "oh, nothing really". Okay then - should we ever have children, I feel much better prepared for the teenage-years

OP posts:

Original poster

TheBestPlansAlwaysFail · 02/08/2021 09:20

@Oblomov21

I do think this is kind of a wierd attitude. Yes some people are a bit more difficult to talk to than others, especially if they are very shy, but you can always find something to talk about.

I agree - hence why I'm asking for advice :)

OP posts:

EveningOverRooftops · 02/08/2021 09:22

I’m feel you OP.

I’m fed up of making so much effort. I’m fed up of being surrounded by beige.

I’ve been trying online dating and out of 50 matches only one bloke can hold a decent convo and the rest keep putting xx after their messages and I’m wtf??

Ok it’s dating specific there but it’s the same with general friendship type things too
Beige. So Damn beige and I’ll hold my hand up and admit I have my beige bits but fucking hell… it’s so dire out there.

I just need someone to have a coffee with and a good chat about how to save the world, what Sandra is doing down the road and my hopes and dreams and everyone wants to talk about live island.

It’s making me really bloody sad.

gluenotsoup · 02/08/2021 09:24

That's a huge range of topics! It's great that you feel passionate enough about life to be able to converse freely with other people about almost anything, but not everyone is the same. Maybe you are being a bit full on, and expecting too much too soon from people, maybe they are more reserved, less confident, watchers rather than do-ers. I'd say be patient, open, and listen more. Ask them about themselves, how they are, and gradually after the basis of trust is laid they may open up and be more conversant. Instead of looking for witty conversation, look at the person in front of you, they may have many fine qualities that you are overlooking because you are dismissing them as dull, based on your own expectations. Lay the groundwork, and the rest will follow. In the meantime join a debating society and some clubs of your own to meet people you can find an immediate point of connection with.

AnotherMarvellousThing · 02/08/2021 09:25

@SwanShaped

You need to find new people to talk to.

This. At DS’s old school, there were an awful lot of his type of parent. Topics of conversation included what someone had done 20 years ago at school and the cost of someone’s new kitchen. It was the dullest place I’ve ever lived. However, despite him starting at his new school in a new city only eight weeks before the first lockdown, so the time since has been far from ideal in terms of people’s interests, I’ve met loads of people who are lively talkers, and highly engaged with their lives, even though a lot of them work in the creative industries that have been badly hit by Covid.

Original poster

TheBestPlansAlwaysFail · 02/08/2021 09:26

@nembrotha

A lot of people with more niche interests have probably had people roll their eyes and call them weird when they have mentioned their hobbies before.

Therefore they stick to the safe topics of tv and the dog.

For example like PP I'm into gaming, I also like adult Lego, science fiction books, interesting scientific discoveries and maps.

Which is fair enough but if your conversation partner made a move to leave and you want to keep talking, wouldn't you at least try to talk about something like this? e.g. yesterday I made noises to leave after 1.5h (not subtle - think "Well, I still have to go to X, should probably get going") because the conversation dragged on. Person made it clear she wanted me to stay and keep talking (she was not British, so no "oh no, such a shame, bye bye" with a secret happy-dance). I did and regretted it - but at least we both agree the atmosphere in the cafe was nice.

OP posts:

Phineyj · 02/08/2021 09:27

Haha, sounds like you've met my SIL! Nice woman but absolutely no small talk. Sooo painful in a family smalltalk situation.

Once I'd packed colouring books for the kids and she quite enjoyed those. Get a colouring book and some nice pens!!

CandidaAlbicans2 · 02/08/2021 09:29

I'm in a social group with someone who has nothing to talk about because she has no interests or hobbies, which would be OK if she didn't get so arsey when people don't talk to her. Thing is, it's not that she's shy or introverted, it's that all she does is watch soaps on TV (which no one else in the group watches), moan about how she has no friends, and go to the social group. She has a garden but no interest in gardening, has a kitchen but no interest in cooking/food, etc. She's in her 60s yet has nothing to talk about. The group is mixed and the conversations so varied (but light) that it's as easy as it can be to chat, but she has nothing to talk about. It wasn't too bad the first week as you go through all the usual conversation openers, but after that there's nothing. All I, and others, can do is make sure she's not ignored but it's very hard work.

Original poster

TheBestPlansAlwaysFail · 02/08/2021 09:32

@Phineyj

Haha, sounds like you've met my SIL! Nice woman but absolutely no small talk. Sooo painful in a family smalltalk situation.

Once I'd packed colouring books for the kids and she quite enjoyed those. Get a colouring book and some nice pens!!

I walked past a stationary shop on the way that had some in the window and was really tempted - maybe I should have

But that is my point - don't like one of the billion small talk topics? Fine, let's get into the real stuff and if we broadly agree, great, if not, then at least we know what we're at. I am really not very dogmatic or domineering whe it comes to this stuff - whatever works for people, I'm happy to go with the flow. Doesn't work so well with family, though :)

OP posts:

ledesertsacre · 02/08/2021 09:34

Stop trying to talk to them about their interests and talk to them about their life experiences instead.
Bear in mind though, that there are some people out there who can do small talk, and do have interests but don't necessarily want to chat with those who they don't know, and aren't really interested in making new friends.

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