To ask what you talk about with people who have no interests?

[TheBestPlansAlwaysFail]

I am making more of an effort to make some new friends now that lockdown is over.
(We moved back to the city we now live in right before lockdown and most of the people I was friends with when I previously lived here have moved away - so rude of them! )

Anyway, what I noticed is that there seem to be so many people who have absolutely no interests (and some seem to have no personality to top it off). I usually have no issue to find a topic of conversation but with some people, nothing seems to lead anywhere - arts, sports/fitness, science, reading, traveling, music, cooking, pets, gardening,....? They're not interested/scared/don't care. Stuff like politics, social equality, philosophy? They don't have an opinion on it. Work, family, etc? All good but there is not really much to talk about.

It is like drawing blood from a stone. What can you actually talk about with people like this? I am not looking for friendships for life right now, I just want someone to go to the pub and have a half-way decent conversation with - but by the end of these 'conversation', I am just drained and looking for an out. Maybe it is lockdown? Have people forgotten how to hold a conversation?

I think you just haven’t met your people OP, perhaps you would be better off socialising with people at specific events/clubs e.g. join a hiking group, book club, take up charity work, etc. At least then you’d know the people there have something about them. I can imagine a lot of the people you’re meeting are joining these friendship apps because they don’t have many friends, and in a lot of cases there may be a good reason for that 😬

@Iamthewombat

You are funny. You’re one of those people who will look for a slight, real or imagined, then devote your attention to punishing the perpetrator. It must get tiresome, being like that. Sympathy. Unless it’s a hobby you didn’t know you had?

I already said I don't have hobby or interests but that's twice you've said I'm funny so thank you for that. Hey, maybe that could be my hobby!

Are you referring to yourself as a perpetrator? Why what have you done? What have I missed? I haven't noticed you saying anything horrible. But I'm so sorry that you feel I've punished you somehow. I was meaning to be kind, trying to put your mind at rest when you've been worrying about me and sending your sympathies. But maybe you're just a worrier. Some people are. Hey, is that your hobby?

Don’t give up your other pastimes for comedy just yet. I’m laughing at you, not with you. Keep it up!

No, I haven’t perpetrated anything. I’ve got better things to do. You keep on working yourself up into a lather of inert spite, though. The poster proudly proclaiming that she has no interests.

You seem to be offended by my comments but I've looked through some of your posts and I can reassure you I wasn't referring to you when I was talking about the intellectual elite.

(with you, not at you)

I hear you OP. My dad has no interests at all. Anything he comes out with is just stuff repeated from the tv. He is happy with that though, so what can we do?

@MsTSwift

I have been criticised for this view but I think it’s imperative to teach children social skills. It’s far more valuable than the violin or something. Some people pick these skills up anyway or they are innate in some but many don’t as this thread attests.

I used to eye roll my mother as a young teen teaching us this stuff but my god she was right. Her social skills are stratospheric she is the most popular person I know. When she retired her leaving party filled a large church hall standing room only.

It’s easy to be shy we are all shy.
Ask non intrusive questions of the other person and really listen to the answer.
Don’t bang on about yourself the whole time.
Know when to leave and never outstay your welcome.

It really is vital. Both my kids' schools held Communication clubs for kids who were... well. Poor at it.

It taught turn-taking. Listening. Questions. Sharing ideas. They built collaborative small projects so they had something to springboard off, but yeah, it was clear that someone had identified a need.

I instill those lessons in the kids, too. Not to repeat themselves too much. Learn how to tell a story. Ask about other people. They monologue and bang on about dross when they're 5 or 6, and it's cute, and then by 8 and 9 it's a bit tiresome but "oh they're just kids", but leave it and congrats, you have a 28 year old who still marches about like a cartoon foghorn about Minecraft while everyone else shuffles away.

My Mum is like this. She came over yesterday and it was the first time I’d seen her for a few months. We just have nothing to say to one another. She filled the first half an hour with gossip about various people I either don’t know or maybe met when I was a young child but haven’t seen them since. I just nodded and made a few noises but after that it fell totally flat. She advised I watch a TV programme I would just never be interested in, she thought I’d like it because I watched a programme with the same presenter about 15 years ago in my teens… She picked a book I was reading up from the side and asked what it was about so I gave her a basic synopsis and she just said ‘oh’ so that fell flat too.

We’re very different people and I’ve just had to learn to accept this. She prefers my younger brother because they have a lot more in common so I don’t have much to do with either of them really.

@MsTSwift

I have been criticised for this view but I think it’s imperative to teach children social skills. It’s far more valuable than the violin or something. Some people pick these skills up anyway or they are innate in some but many don’t as this thread attests.

I used to eye roll my mother as a young teen teaching us this stuff but my god she was right. Her social skills are stratospheric she is the most popular person I know. When she retired her leaving party filled a large church hall standing room only.

It’s easy to be shy we are all shy.
Ask non intrusive questions of the other person and really listen to the answer.
Don’t bang on about yourself the whole time.
Know when to leave and never outstay your welcome.

Out of interest, what were the key skills your mother taught you?

Sounds like Dh's SIL. No interests, no hobbies, doesn't even watch TV. Last time she came over with BIL I ended up shouting "doughnuts, do you like doughnuts? Everyone like doughnuts don't they? Great place down the road does them, I'll go buy some " and then scarped out the door to buy doughnuts in order to escape for a bit and leave them with DH. Her reply to my doughnut questions was "I don't mind"

@Icecreamsoda99

Sounds like Dh's SIL. No interests, no hobbies, doesn't even watch TV. Last time she came over with BIL I ended up shouting "doughnuts, do you like doughnuts? Everyone like doughnuts don't they? Great place down the road does them, I'll go buy some " and then scarped out the door to buy doughnuts in order to escape for a bit and leave them with DH. Her reply to my doughnut questions was "I don't mind"

That reminds me of my mother, who believes that the only polite response to even a direct yes or no question where the questioner genuinely wants a concrete reply is ‘I don’t mind’. You should see her talking to waiters in restaurants. ‘What would you like?’ ‘Oh, I don’t mind.’

I think the idea is that the questioner is supposed to applaud her manners and press her again for a reply.

It is exhausting, though.

Some people don't do recreational conversation. But they might be a good friend in a crisis, offering practical support.

Listed at the end of my post. It’s not complex but is shocking how many adults don’t have these skills.

We used to host foreign language students all girls and some of them at 15 and not in their own language had better social skills than many adults. Was great for our kids for role modelling purposes “isn’t Laura a lovely girl didn’t you see how polite and friendly she was”.

Basically it’s emotional intelligence self awareness and actually thinking how you are coming across to other people. Do they want to hear you drone on about the minutiae of strangers lives or your kids bedtime regime or to sit in silence while you entrain them? Clue - they do not.

@OutwiththeOutCrowd

Some people don't do recreational conversation. But they might be a good friend in a crisis, offering practical support.

They might indeed, but how would you ever know if you met them at a meet-up aimed at making new friends, and they simply replied 'Yes' or 'No' or 'I don't know' to anything you said?

I'm talking about the kind of people who would cooperate in a work or activity situation and communicate about the task at hand but wouldn't necessarily be up for a cocktail party. So you wouldn't be getting to know them purely through chit chat.