To ask what you talk about with people who have no interests?

[TheBestPlansAlwaysFail]

I am making more of an effort to make some new friends now that lockdown is over.
(We moved back to the city we now live in right before lockdown and most of the people I was friends with when I previously lived here have moved away - so rude of them! )

Anyway, what I noticed is that there seem to be so many people who have absolutely no interests (and some seem to have no personality to top it off). I usually have no issue to find a topic of conversation but with some people, nothing seems to lead anywhere - arts, sports/fitness, science, reading, traveling, music, cooking, pets, gardening,....? They're not interested/scared/don't care. Stuff like politics, social equality, philosophy? They don't have an opinion on it. Work, family, etc? All good but there is not really much to talk about.

It is like drawing blood from a stone. What can you actually talk about with people like this? I am not looking for friendships for life right now, I just want someone to go to the pub and have a half-way decent conversation with - but by the end of these 'conversation', I am just drained and looking for an out. Maybe it is lockdown? Have people forgotten how to hold a conversation?

The best friends I’ve made in recent years have been through classes and activity groups. Having at least one common interest means we cut through that ‘nothing to talk about’ barrier. But you’re right that it can be very tricky when people seemingly have no small talk. My ILs are very like that. We were at a lunch party once and the chat was about events in the news (so nothing obscure). SIL sat there in stony silence and then shouted “we’re hoping to go to Paris next year”. Very wearing, after so many years.

Different people are used to different lengths of silences in conversations (as signals that the next person should speak, or that the topic is finished and the next one should be started). There is a massive difference between cultures, eg the breaks in a Spanish / Italian conversation are much shorter than in British/ German, which are much shorter than in Scandinavia. So you can have a mismatch between styles, where one person perceives that they have never had a chance to speak, while the other has switched topics six times in order to fulfil what they perceived as uncomfortable silences.

In other words, maybe you talk so much they can’t get a word in edgeways.

Maybe they don't feel like sharing.

But they have joined meet-up groups to extend their social circle. What did they expect?

Stick with it, OP. You will find the good conversationalists eventually. I went to a Catholic social group years ago and one of the women there took a shine to me as a potential friend. We met twice, at her instigation, but the conversational heavy lifting got too much for me.

Maybe they just dislike you? There’s a family member who is horrible and whenever they try and engage me in subjects I play dumb and pretend I have no opinion or interests. They never take the hint.

(I’m not just being mean, this person is racist and awful).

OK dislike is harsh. I mean maybe they just don’t feel like chatting?

Love how posters are trying to make it the OP’s problem!

There you go, OP. It’s your own fault for being horrible, apparently.

@Iamthewombat

Love how posters are trying to make it the OP’s problem!

There you go, OP. It’s your own fault for being horrible, apparently.

Yes, real life isn't the only place cluttered with people devoid of social skills, they're online too 😂

Are you looking in the wrong places? At the school gates I found a lot of people like you describe. No interests other than who might be coming to their BBQ that Saturday and whether anyone was free to give their son a lift to football etc. If you mentioned the news or a good book they looked at you like you had walked into a room with dog poo on your shoe.

But join an evening class and you end up talking the night away with like minded people.

I have this problem. I met this woman when she and I were staying in the same place. She started talking to me and it soon became clear that we have zero in common but she pursued a friendship and I didn't know how to back out.

She has never voted in her life, wheas I like a good political discussion. We have completely different tastes in pretty much everything from food to tv and films. Fortunately she hasn't been able to visit because of lockdown but when we do talk (she calls me a couple of times a week) we have nothing to discuss and she asks me the same questions every time she calls. I try to talk about different things but she has zero interest in ANYTHING.

@kwiksavenofrillsusername

Maybe they just dislike you? There’s a family member who is horrible and whenever they try and engage me in subjects I play dumb and pretend I have no opinion or interests. They never take the hint.

(I’m not just being mean, this person is racist and awful).

But they keep trying to get the OP to stay and talk for longer and to come to other meet-ups.

I have a friend who, if you asked, would tell you she has no hobbies or interests.
She watches a lot of TV, reads, is a housewife and cleaning and family are her major preoccupations.
We can talk for hours. She's very perceptive about people and will often draw parallels between things she reads or watches and real life. She probably knows every cleaning tip in the book. She's also proficient in sign language, though she rarely mentions it (a skill relating to a previous job).
She'd probably tell you she 'doesn't do politics' but she has an opinion on everything - often very insightful - she just doesn't think of it as political - 'that's just my thoughts on life and stuff.'
Having said that, I've seen her when 'confronted' by someone she feels is 'an expert on everything' and she just shrivels up. She lacks confidence, possibly because she feel uneducated and unqualified, but she has loads to offer. If you asked her opinion on a topic and put her on the spot, she'd immediately tell you she knows nothing about it. It's the label that scares her.

Having said that, I've seen her when 'confronted' by someone she feels is 'an expert on everything' and she just shrivels up

Now the OP is confronting these women who want to be her friend and being a know all! Your sins are legion, OP!

She talked to you. Probably that's extended her network.

She didn’t though. She answered the questions I asked her. There was no ‘conversation’, no reciprocation or display of interest in me or anyone else that was there. I tried everything, the usual what do you do, how long/how did you become part of this group, do you already know anyone else here today, how’s business picking up now post covid… it was like pulling teeth, I felt like saying, throw me a fricken bone please, give me something here!

“Is this the first time you’ve been to one of these things?”
“No”
“Oh ok, the last one must have been ages ago, pre covid?”
“Yeah it was 2 years ago in Manchester”
“Did you find the last one useful for business?”
“Mmm I’m not sure really”
“Did it take you long to get here?”
“About an hour”
“Did you drive or come by train?”
“I drove”
“I found it quite tough being closed over all the lockdowns, the last one with the dark nights ams winter weather especially, how about you?”
“I didn’t mind it so much”
“I walked my dog a lot, how about you, what did you get up to?”
“I just chilled really”
“I did really get into gardening, cleared a the overgrown borders and I’m loving going out every day now to see what’s appeared or started flowering. Do you like gardening?”
“Mmm not really”.

At that point I took her social cues on board - i.e. minimal answers to questions and lack of interest - and ended our ‘conversation’ whereupon she followed me round and stood on the outside of any couple or group that formed, I actually felt as if she was waiting for me to introduce her (to these other people, that I also didn’t know).

She hasn’t extended her network, I couldn’t and wouldn’t recommend her to any of my clients, and in fact if I saw her at a future event I’d do my best to avoid her.

I find if I start a conversation that people are happy to just talk endlessly about themselves and their lives and opinions but it's not reciprocal and they rarely ask me anything. I'm too good at feigning interest and too polite. It feels uncomfortable to have to derail or force my own interests into the mix.

@TooWicked

She talked to you. Probably that's extended her network.

She didn’t though. She answered the questions I asked her. There was no ‘conversation’, no reciprocation or display of interest in me or anyone else that was there. I tried everything, the usual what do you do, how long/how did you become part of this group, do you already know anyone else here today, how’s business picking up now post covid… it was like pulling teeth, I felt like saying, throw me a fricken bone please, give me something here!

“Is this the first time you’ve been to one of these things?”
“No”
“Oh ok, the last one must have been ages ago, pre covid?”
“Yeah it was 2 years ago in Manchester”
“Did you find the last one useful for business?”
“Mmm I’m not sure really”
“Did it take you long to get here?”
“About an hour”
“Did you drive or come by train?”
“I drove”
“I found it quite tough being closed over all the lockdowns, the last one with the dark nights ams winter weather especially, how about you?”
“I didn’t mind it so much”
“I walked my dog a lot, how about you, what did you get up to?”
“I just chilled really”
“I did really get into gardening, cleared a the overgrown borders and I’m loving going out every day now to see what’s appeared or started flowering. Do you like gardening?”
“Mmm not really”.

At that point I took her social cues on board - i.e. minimal answers to questions and lack of interest - and ended our ‘conversation’ whereupon she followed me round and stood on the outside of any couple or group that formed, I actually felt as if she was waiting for me to introduce her (to these other people, that I also didn’t know).

She hasn’t extended her network, I couldn’t and wouldn’t recommend her to any of my clients, and in fact if I saw her at a future event I’d do my best to avoid her.

This precisely the kind of conversation I mean! I just don't get it!

On the upside, I am going out with some newish people who can hold a conversation to celebrate later today - it is not all bad!

@Iamthewombat

Having said that, I've seen her when 'confronted' by someone she feels is 'an expert on everything' and she just shrivels up

Now the OP is confronting these women who want to be her friend and being a know all! Your sins are legion, OP!

I didn't read it that way but maybe I am too naive I have had people feel intimidated by the idea of me (e.g. friends of friends) but apparently I am less scary if people actually meet me in-person. So I am mildly optimistic that that is not the issue!

@kwiksavenofrillsusername

OK dislike is harsh. I mean maybe they just don’t feel like chatting?

Probably shouldn't go to "meet new people!" meetup group sessions advertised online, then.

TooWicked persons sounds like that father Ted episode with guy who never talked - though it later emerges it was the highlight of the guys year to stop with them.

In my 20s I usually subsquently found people like this didn't actually waat to talk to me - though they may have wanted me to be hang around till someone they did came along - similar at school gate sometimes people weren't intested in who they were talking to but that they weren't stood by themsleves - school events and children could fill in there.

MIL talking about her pet subjects and leaving gaps for people to join- holidays, trips and meals eaten - can sometimes work there usually something people can say or ask about - she talks and people can join in and slowly change the subject. Though she would need some interest or input at some point but it does mean quieter people can join in with less pressure.

Micro game cards, orgamai, sewing/knitting or unual clothing work for others family members start conversations but if every topic is closed down - there's no were for conversation to go.

I'm not sure it is about hobbies or interests as I have family who do little and have very small worlds but they can still hold conversations with other people.

Haha yes I thought about the same Father Ted episode, which is called ‘Entertaining Father Stone’

They’re probably just not your type.

I like (despair of) politics, current affairs, art exhibitions, museums, travel, gardening and books. I’ll watch football if England are playing and I have ok friendly small talk, but if someone I meet is really interested in shopping or rugby or cars etc, I accept that we just won’t have much in common long term.

It takes years to build decent friendships anyway; for now just be content at meeting nice people who are happy for a drink in a pub or coffee shop- keep doing it and eventually you’ll meet similar people.

Have you tried a book club, political party or local historical society?

Some people really are just in to the day to day of everyday life, and that’s fine. You just need to keep looking if you want something else.

My safe topics for conversations are:

Have you read any good books lately?
Have you seen any good films lately?
Have you got any plans over the summer? (Replace with plans over Christmas later in the year)
I love your (hair/item of clothing/pet dog/whatever), where did you you get it?

I agree with you OP - it's all very well to have quieter/more reserved people in an established friend group - in fact it's ideal. But if you are going to an event specifically targeted at meeting new friends then you should probably be aware that you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone and chat to people, about anything really! There's a whole world out there, how can something not be interesting to you? Without being mean there are so many threads on MN about not having any friends, but for most people we aren't lucky enough for new friends to just knock on our door - the older you get the more you do have to push yourself, go to new things, make the effort to chat to people - basically sell yourself as someone it's worth being friends with!

People seem to think that introverted/reserved/quiet = no interests but often they are the most interesting people but are reluctant to express their ideas - in fairness because people have told them their niche interests are boring or unusual in the past.

On the other hand there is nothing more boring than someone who does have very specific interests and just bores on about them without any deviation or back and forth....

Was it Eleanor Roosevelt who said, "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people?"

@TheGenealogist I wonder if I’m your SIL . The reality is DH and I have lots of interests but we can never get a word in because our SIL barely pauses for breath. I’m sure she tells everyone how boring we are and that we never go anywhere/do anything but as soon as I mention something I enjoy she talks over me!

The colleague I share my office with has absolutely no interests beyond what's on the TV.
This was the case in so many of my workplaces over the years. Soul destroying. Any conversation beginning: “Did you see…” still makes me flinch (inwardly).

This said, some people are dull…
Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes.

As far as she was concerned conversation was for her enjoyment, not a two way thing.
Crikey, I think you may have hit on something there. I’ve never had someone be as honest (or as daft) as to say that…

I find if I start a conversation that people are happy to just talk endlessly about themselves and their lives and opinions but it's not reciprocal and they rarely ask me anything…
We find this is VERY common now when we try and work on friendships.

We can tell you most of our neighbours’ relationship situation, previous jobs, holidays, their children, pets, etc etc. But if we ever get to talk and stray into OUR lives, they appear to only be thinking about how to steer it back to them as quickly as possible.

“explore the people themselves, their dreams. Ask more, say less and always be interested”
And get to hear even more about them…

I've met people like this. I find it baffling. There are the people who seem to have no interests and very little knowledge of the world around them - barely know who the PM is, let alone hold an opinion on Keir Starmer - and meet every attempt at conversation with a blank look.
And yet they’re allowed to vote.