AIBU to ask how you sleep at night if you’re the other woman?

[DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone]

Got a frantic call from my cousin that she’s caught her husband cheating, gone over to hers & seen that his iPhone is synced to the iPad & photos of a very cosy day out with his fancy woman have pinged over all at once 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ There’s even messages from the other woman saying “I know you have a wife & kids, but I hope you pick me”

It’s easy to always blame the other woman, we are so quick to do it. But F me this is just god awful & I don’t get how you’d sleep at night knowing you are happy to help break up a family? I’d love to hear from “other women” to know how this works in your head? Did you end up staying together? Did he leave his wife for you?

Meh they both have agency and choices in this, is the man more to blame and committing the ‘worst’ sin of the two, likely yes. But is she a shitty human being with no morals, likely yes too.

Moral of the story is they are both to blame, cheating on your spouse/family is horrific, knowingly sleeping with a married man with kids is also horrid.

She doesn’t owe the wife/family anything of course he does but just because you can doesn’t mean you should, that goes for the pair of them.

Both to blame in my eyes.

I think it's terrible. My dh ( obviously before he met me ) was the other man although no kids involved. When I've asked him if he felt any guilt he just says no because she was the one cheating on her husband, he was not cheating on anyone. I don't think I could see it that way though and could never be the other woman. One of my closest friend was also the other woman ( again no kids involved) and she is one of the nicest people I know. There are obviously problems in a marriage if someone chooses to start an affair. I was once friends with a Nurse and she casually said " well we've all had affairs with married men haven't we, i spent my twenties chasing married doctors ". Well no actually we aren't all like that. I'm amazed how casually some people explain away their actions as if it's completely normal behaviour.

The key question should be how does the married man who's cheating on his wife sleep at night?

Just as the husband knows exactly what he is doing so does the other woman. 100%.
Suspiciously a lot of people on here try to portray them as a bit of a victim. Not so.
The two OW I know of are thick, insecure lizards with zero self respect or self esteem.
They will use every nasty trick in the book, intent on getting what they want at any cost with absolutely no regard for anyone else.

Both of them are not with the man anymore and have been given a huge dose of Karma.

@Zenithbear

Just as the husband knows exactly what he is doing so does the other woman. 100%. Suspiciously a lot of people on here try to portray them as a bit of a victim. Not so. The two OW I know of are thick, insecure lizards with zero self respect or self esteem. They will use every nasty trick in the book, intent on getting what they want at any cost with absolutely no regard for anyone else.

Both of them are not with the man anymore and have been given a huge dose of Karma.

In what way were the husbands superior to thick, insecure lizards? What karma have the husbands received?

@Babyroobs

I think it's terrible. My dh ( obviously before he met me ) was the other man although no kids involved. When I've asked him if he felt any guilt he just says no because she was the one cheating on her husband, he was not cheating on anyone. I don't think I could see it that way though and could never be the other woman. One of my closest friend was also the other woman ( again no kids involved) and she is one of the nicest people I know. There are obviously problems in a marriage if someone chooses to start an affair. I was once friends with a Nurse and she casually said " well we've all had affairs with married men haven't we, i spent my twenties chasing married doctors ". Well no actually we aren't all like that. I'm amazed how casually some people explain away their actions as if it's completely normal behaviour.

If you thought it was that terrible then why did you get together with him at all? I mean, he's all kinds of unredeemable shitty so...?

These threads are just catnip, they are completely designed to cause maximum froth/embellishment and drama and serve no purpose other than that.

@Kanaloa

Well he manages to sleep comfy and cosy knowing he’s cheating on his wife, putting her sexual health at risk and betraying his family in the worst possible way.

She has a lot less than that to worry about, so I imagine she sleeps better than he does.

If he is putting his wife's sexual health at risk surely that means the OW is also doing so, yes?

Why aren't you asking how HE sleeps at night knowing he's in a full relationship with someone who is not his wife?

Asking these questions about the morals of the OW just absolves the man of HIS moral responsibility. No woman is responsible for policing the morality of men. Stop this sexist obsessive focus on the sexual morality of woman and start asking questions about the morality of men instead.

@eightyfourandahalf

I have never been the OW, couldn't be arsed with the drama and dealing with someone with so much luggage

but why do you think anyone should care about people they don't know? Why should they put complete strangers above themselves exactly?

Bit different when you are cheating with your best friend's DH, but some people are just weak.

Well because it would be a pretty horrible world to live in if no one cared about anyone else and just did as they pleased just because they don't know the person. Just because someone is a stranger, I would still act with a little decency and respect towards them because I am a decent person. Why would I knowingly be a party to hurting another human being so much?

If he is putting his wife's sexual health at risk surely that means the OW is also doing so, yes?

Not unless she is forcing him at gunpoint to put his cock in her and then his wife.

... oh, the mythical 'karma-llama' has made an appearance. It was about time.

If you thought it was that terrible then why did you get together with him at all? I mean, he's all kinds of unredeemable shitty so...?

Well because I only found out he had been the other man years after we had been married !! Was I meant to break up my own marriage ( with four kids) because of something he did years before we met ? I was shocked and disappointed at his behaviour but at the end of the day it happened years ago and no kids involved like I said. Yes it did make me distrust him a bit because I started thinking if he had been involved in an affair before he could be more likely to cheat on me but I have not had any suspicions.

@DoYouHaveAHeartOfStone

Gosh people are so shitty on here. I’m certainly NOT a journalist. I’ve come back from my cousins who’s world has fallen apart & judging by some of the heartless comments on here I have little faith in humanity. This woman clearly knows he had a wife & child, I know he’s a grade A d*ck head in this situation. I legit wanted to know woman to woman, how the hell you feel happy to shag a married man? Do these women enjoy the chase & then F off once the damage is done? Or do they expect to live happily with a man who’s cheated & assume he’s not going to be a wanker & just do the same to her as soon as he’s fed up again?!

* dickhead * fuck

Fixed it for you. You need a new keypad.

My question would be more how does the husband sleep at night. Much more interesting. He is the one cheating and lying.

Married men often use their OW as much as they use their wife. They lie to OW, form emotional bonds with them and the OW ends up hurt and used. They use their wives for the security of a solid relationship and the OW for sex, fun and an ego boost.
They are men who use women and I have no respect for them.

I would never knowingly be the OW, and if I knew a friend was doing that it would put a major strain on our friendship. I would probably let go of the friendship.

Well because it would be a pretty horrible world to live in if no one cared about anyone else and just did as they pleased just because they don't know the person. Just because someone is a stranger, I would still act with a little decency and respect towards them because I am a decent person. Why would I knowingly be a party to hurting another human being so much?

we are talking about having sex with someone, not stealing somebody's life savings.

If they are really in love, the married one can divorce and the new couple live happily ever after.

If the couple is not even married, then why not.

Doyouhaveaheartofstone I feel for your Cousin ,and think that she is lucky to have you to talk to .Going against the grain here .And I Think if OW knowingly hits on a married guy ,then it is very selfish and wrong .Only in the last few days we have had a woman on here saying how much she fancies a guy at work! Honestly ask on a different day/time probably get a whole different set of answers FFS! Obv men are to blame as they are the ones who have broken their vows .Lets face it some men are weak, and will always welcome the chance to get a bit on the side .However if women who led them on (and there are many that do) then they are largely to blame and should as you say feel ashamed of themselves .

@Babyroobs

If you thought it was that terrible then why did you get together with him at all? I mean, he's all kinds of unredeemable shitty so...?

Well because I only found out he had been the other man years after we had been married !! Was I meant to break up my own marriage ( with four kids) because of something he did years before we met ? I was shocked and disappointed at his behaviour but at the end of the day it happened years ago and no kids involved like I said. Yes it did make me distrust him a bit because I started thinking if he had been involved in an affair before he could be more likely to cheat on me but I have not had any suspicions.

Quite. The point I'm making is that this is such an ENORMOUS thing for so many posters that I'm surprised the question didn't arise when you met him, pre-marriage and kids.

That is the general point I'm making; that people smooth these things out when it is best and easiest for them to do so. I think we all do that. We don't all though jump to pillory OW/OM for their bad choices when the primary fault - and total responsibility - lies with the married person. Every time.

If it soothes you any, your husband has more experience than most who spout off on these threads that 'they would never'... He actually knows what this is like, has lived that life and knows the pitfalls so, if he tells you that this wouldn't happen again, be comforted by that because he knows the cost.

I was an OW when I was younger, I wouldn't do it again.

How does the other woman sleep? She doesn’t she is up all night shagging your husband.

I've known cases, usually in older men, where they've fallen out of love with their wife but don't want to break up the family. But one day they meet someone, fall in love, and their kids are older, and they jump. It happens to women too in long marriages, but women usually leave first then find another partner - partly, I think, because women have a stronger social network and aren't so lonely if they have a period of living alone.

@Wishes2020

How does the other woman sleep? She doesn’t she is up all night shagging your husband.

basically...

😂

@dottiedodah

Doyouhaveaheartofstone I feel for your Cousin ,and think that she is lucky to have you to talk to .Going against the grain here .And I Think if OW knowingly hits on a married guy ,then it is very selfish and wrong .Only in the last few days we have had a woman on here saying how much she fancies a guy at work! Honestly ask on a different day/time probably get a whole different set of answers FFS! Obv men are to blame as they are the ones who have broken their vows .Lets face it some men are weak, and will always welcome the chance to get a bit on the side .However if women who led them on (and there are many that do) then they are largely to blame and should as you say feel ashamed of themselves .

There is so much wrong with your post.

Still, if your husband cheats then I'm sure he'll be ok, he'll get of with 'oh he's just weak and silly', 'couldn't help himself'.

Just think. If NO husband/wife ever said 'yes' to anybody other than their spouse, there would be NO OW/OM. But they elect to choose to betray their partner that they made vows to. If it's a man though, silly boy...!

Utterly foolish.

My sister had 2 affairs that l know of with 2 men who were married and had children. She helped to split the marriages up and went on to get pregnant by both of them, only to terminate the pregnancies at 24 plus weeks. Nothing wrong with the babies just , changed her mind.
My sister never speaks about it , not a word , she kept the pregnancies secret till she was about 22 weeks , yes l know how didn't we notice trusted her l suppose . Anyway , she has no trouble sleeping at night , she blames the wives & children and is a vile cow .

@dottiedodah

Doyouhaveaheartofstone I feel for your Cousin ,and think that she is lucky to have you to talk to .Going against the grain here .And I Think if OW knowingly hits on a married guy ,then it is very selfish and wrong .Only in the last few days we have had a woman on here saying how much she fancies a guy at work! Honestly ask on a different day/time probably get a whole different set of answers FFS! Obv men are to blame as they are the ones who have broken their vows .Lets face it some men are weak, and will always welcome the chance to get a bit on the side .However if women who led them on (and there are many that do) then they are largely to blame and should as you say feel ashamed of themselves .

Obv men are to blame as they are the ones who have broken their vows ....However if women who led them on (and there are many that do) then they are largely to blame...

Women who lead men on are to blame. How does it feel to be on the side of rape apologists, er, madam?

I would rather you people just owned your sexist double standards than insult everyone's intelligence with such inane and obvious self-contradiction. How do you not hear yourself?

I’ve had two friends who were the OW. Both of them simply thought they were more important than the wife.